20 September 2011

Highlands of Scotland

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Wynn bloody Sudrach is becoming the bane of my existence. The past few weeks he sat next to me in Herbology and tried to partner up with me in Potions. I narrowly avoided him, choosing to make boring conversation with Keris while Liera was off schmoozing Lupin. It's nice not having to entertain the girl, but something about the way she's avoiding me seemed off, like she is trying to push the mudblood and I together. I usually am not one to think irrationally, so I filed my suspicions away for the moment. I have more pressing matters to focus on, such as the three essays and a star chart due tomorrow.

Shaking my head, I attempted to refocus on the Transfiguration essay before me. The universe, however, was not on my side this week, and I was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder.

"Hey Circe! Do you still have that book you were reading for your foot long essay in Arithmancy? I'm tutoring Matt, and I could really use it."

That voice, by Salazar, Avada Kedavra me now. Lennox McKendrick of all people would be the one to bother me. He is the seeker for Slytherin's quidditch team, fourth year, and my not so secret admirer. How he managed to tutor anyone was beyond me. I began to wonder how I became unlucky enough to be best friends with an annoying twat and admired by a dumb fucking brute, but then I remember it's my grandmother's fault. If she gets her way Lennox and I will be married by the time I graduate. An arranged marriage is the one practice she still believes in that I loathe.

Threading a hand through Eros's fur, I wordlessly hand him the book, hoping to be spared any further conversation. I hear the shuffle of his feet before he speaks again, "Come to Hogsmeade with me this weekend."

It isn't a question. He didn't even bother to try to voice it like one. Merlin's beard I was in a tough spot. I have a million excuses, all of them worthy enough to be unoffending and believable, but my grandmother was sure to get word of it. Saying yes will please her, but it also means giving Lennox more reason to believe there was something between us. Is my life ever my own? Who am I kidding? I already knew the answer to that.

I removed Eros from my lap, and he growled lowly at his abrupt awakening. Lennox's gray eyes looked warily down at the black ball of fur, almost as if he feared the creature. More information to file away for later. Standing up to face the dark haired fourth year, I plastered the fakest, friendliest smile onto my face.

"Of course, Lennox. Whatever you want."

His smile was cocky,"Great, I'll meet you after breakfast."

He sauntered away without giving me time to reply, rejoining his friends on a sofa near the common's fireplace. The green flames cast eerie shadows across his porcelain white face, making him look sinister. It is strange how something so inanimate and abstract fills me with a sense of dread.

…

"You're going to Hogsmeade with McKendrick!" Liera squealed, jumping onto my bed and sending Eros scuttling out of the room. Thankfully all of our other dorm mates were downstairs in the common room. I hate for things to be out of my control when it comes to rumors about my personal life. I also really didn't want to talk about Lennox, out of fear that I might spill how I really feel about the situation.

Taking a deep breath to control my bubbling frustration, I turned to face my invasive companion with a tight lipped smile, "So it would seem."

"How come you didn't come tell me?" She asked with a pout, "I thought you hated him?"

Her questions caught me off guard considering I keep my feelings about the boy I'm basically destined to marry pretty neutral. Racking my brain, I tried to think of a time where I slipped up and said something that made her think that.

Nothing came to mind, so how did she know?

"What makes you think that?"

Liera huffed, as if the question was ridiculous, "The way you look at him maybe? The fact that your dumb grandma still thinks arranged marriages are the shit, and she has practically forced you two together since we were all in diapers?"

My jaw almost dropped. Liera saw through me this entire time? Does she know I'm only friends with her on my grandmother's orders? Am I that transparent?

I decided to deflect. What else am I supposed to do when the annoying, ditzy girl I always knew is starting to appear way smarter than she lets on. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Lennox and I are friends. It's my duty as a pureblood to marry into another pureblood family. It's the way the world works, Goyle. Just because your family associates with blood traitors and mudbloods doesn't mean everyone has lost sight of the way our world is supposed to be."

Her face fell, and an emotion passed over her face that I didn't recognize, "Come on Circe, you don't actually still believe that do you? After all of the people you met and seeing how peaceful and diverse Hogwarts is, have you learned nothing? After knowing what terrible things our parents and grandparents fought for, you still believe the things your grandmother tells you? You still adhere to the purists' ways?"

"Yes."

Liera got up from her sprawled position on my bed, ducking her head and letting her black bangs fall over her eyes, "I hope one day you change your mind."

With that last statement she left, heading out of the dorms and back down to the common room, leaving me alone.

I waited for the relief left by her absence to wash over me, but suddenly the room felt too crowded, the shadows too ominous. I struggled to catch my breath, feeling as if a weight was placed on my chest. My composure broke, fracturing into silent sobs. I shot out a hand to grab Eros's fur, but remembered Liera scared him off.

This can't be happening. Not here where anyone can walk in, not again.

I weighed the pros and cons of slipping out of the dungeon and sneaking out to the lake. The last time this happened I passed out, and I didn't need anyone to find me at such a weak moment. I am better than this. I can control this.

"Fuck it."

Willing my body to stop shaking, I quickly made my way out of the dorms, sneaking down the stairs and thankfully out of the commons without drawing any attention. Curfew is in an hour, but that's all I needed to take care of this strange, overwhelming problem.

…

The black lake sits covered in a heavy fog, the half crescent moon offering just enough light to see. I sat near the water, trying and failing to control my erratic breathing. My thoughts scattered like spiders, my hands trembled, and my vision went fuzzy. Nothing I did to control myself worked. Did I need to go to the infirmary? Am I dying? Why now of all times did this shit happen?

Darkness creeped into the corners of my vision, and something like a memory dangled just out of reach. Pain raced up my chest and rooted itself into my airways. I hear screams. Is it me? Am I the one screaming?

I tried to stand but fell backwards onto the ground. My hands shot up to my hair, desperate for a distraction from whatever long forgotten memory seemed to be tormenting me. A cold feeling began creeping into my bones, and I felt my hands and feet seize up. My vision went completely black, furthering my spiral into panic. There was no controlling this, by Merlin I just wanted it all to stop!

Suddenly, in the distance I heard a voice, vaguely familiar but too difficult to place at the moment. All I knew was that I wish they didn't see me. I wish the voice would go away.

"Circe, is that you? Are you okay?"