Warning (Rated MA (mature adults)…I'm not super clear on rating systems. Just don't read this at work)

Chapter 42: Mudblood

Severus stared up at the dark ceiling. It had been two months since he had slept in this bed. However, he didn't think he would get any sleep tonight. The sheets and pillows smelled of Rose. It was intoxicating and it was keeping Severus awake. The surrounding bed was cold. He almost wished he was sleeping in his room at Hogwarts rather than be in their bed alone. Severus contemplated bringing Esme from her room, so to not feel so completely alone. He had put his mirror on the bedside table. He never stopped carrying it with him, yet tonight he kept looking over at it as if he saw flashes of Rose staring at him through it.

Severus was sure that Rose would eventually drive him to madness. He thought about when Lily had married James Potter. Severus had felt betrayed and angry and hurt by the one person he had cherished and loved. However, he rationalized is feelings with the fact that he deserved it. After what he called Lily, how he betrayed her by becoming a deatheater, he knew he deserved to feel the way he did. He could not accuse Lily of treating him unfairly.

With Rose, Severus could not tell himself that he deserved what she was doing to him. Severus knew he was far from a perfect husband, but seeking out his father and caring for the man who tormented and mistreated him as a child, that was a betrayal that Severus could not justify.

He both hated Rose and loved her with all his heart. He worried about her constantly, all the while wishing he could stop thinking about her. Severus would miss her, but the moment she got near him, he would want her to leave. Today when he saw tears in her eyes, Severus wanted to comfort her, yet he felt self-satisfied to see her upset, feeling that she deserved to be as unhappy as he was.

Rose was surely going to make him lose his mind and he was powerless to do anything about it.

Severus heard movement in the front room. He jumped from the bed, wand in hand, and hurried to see what was going on.

It was Rose.

She was in the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboard where they kept their potions. She was shaking and her face was ghostly white. She grabbed a vial of potion with her nondominated hand and pulled the cork out with her teeth. She then proceeded to dump the potion on her right hand. She winced in pain as the potion spilled into her palm.

"Rose," Severus said.

Rose jumped and she pulled her right hand out of sight. "Severus," she said, her voice shock violently like she was choking down a sob. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," she stammered. "I just needed to…" she trailed off. "I will be gone in just a second. I promise."

Severus hurried to her. "You're hurt."

"No," Rose lied.

Severus's face distorted with anger. "Can you say anything truthful to me anymore?" He held out his hand to her. "Let me see it."

Rose looked brokenly at her husband. She cautiously raised her arm and placed her hand in his.

Severus's eyes widened as he saw the inside of her palm. He lifted his eyes to her face, looking shocked and horrified. "Who did this to you?" he demanded.

Burned into Rose's palm was the word 'mudblood.'

Rose began to sob. "I can't make it go away. I tried countless healing spells. I thought the potion might…" She couldn't continue.

She was breathing heavily. She was panicking.

"Rose," he said firmly, yet with a hint of tenderness in his voice that caught her attention and made her breath slow. Severus gingerly turned her hand from side to side, examining the brand carefully. "Tell me what happened," he said, "so that I can help you."

Rose nodded, tears streaming from her eyes. "I visited Tiberius's grave tonight."

Severus's body stiffened. Then he gave her a sharp nod to continue.

"I just touched his tombstone," Rose explained, struggling to keep her sobs back. "I got thrown back and…" She couldn't continue.

Without needing further explanation, Severus pointed his wand at her palm. He began muttering an incantation that Rose did not recognize; it sounded more like a song.

Then a greenish mist rose from Rose's palm and the words burned into her flesh disappeared.

Rose closed her fist. The pain was gone. "How did you do that?" she asked in astonishment.

Severus let Rose's hand drop. "I know more about dark magic than you," he told her roughly.

"Well, thank you," she said, barely moving her lips. She eyed Severus through her swollen eyes, always her protect, always there when she needed him most. He was in his oversized, gray nightshirt. It had been so long since she had seen him like that, intimate and vulnerable. She wondered why she ever disliked his nightshirts.

Rose was staring a Severus in that way she did, telling him without words that she was his. Although, those conflicting feelings stirred within Severus. He saw his sweet, innocent wife in front of him, but her pleading eyes could not erase what she did, what she was still doing. And how much could she be his when she was running off in the dead of night to visit her dead lover's grave despite the danger. Her loving expression was a mockery.

Severus pointed his wand at the hallway toward the children's bedrooms. He casted a spell to block sound from reaching them.

"We've talked about this before," Severus began, his voice rising in volume. "You can't go there. It is not smart. It is not safe."

"I know," Rose cried. "I know."

"Do you?" Severus exclaimed.

"I just needed him," Rose said in a whisper.

"You needed him," Severus hissed.

"They keep taking him away from me." Rose clutched at her chest as if trying to ease the throbbing in her heart.

"You were lucky nothing else happened to you," Severus said harshly.

"Lucky," Rose repeated, gazing up at him.

"What if something more permanent happened to you," Severus said through a dry throat. "I have an intimate knowledge of the types of curses the Malfoy family is capable of. You are luck not to be dead." His speech became more rapid. "You could have died! Would that really have been worth the company of a dead man?"

Rose's face darkened. "That was a big jump from a derogatory message to death," she tried to make her voice sound strong, but it shook violently.

"A derogatory message burned into your flesh!" He took in a deep breath. "What if something happened to you?"

"Would you have even cared?" Rose shot back.

Severus scowled at her. "Don't be a child," he said cuttingly.

"Is it really that ridiculous for me to wonder," Rose retorted. "You have barely spoken to me in two months and the little you have said has been cold and empty."

"So, you ran to your dead fiancé for comfort," Severus said without sympathy.

Rose flinched at his words. "You're one to talk," she said brokenly. "I make you angry and you immediately are wishing to replace me with Lily."

Severus looked up towards the ceiling and then back at Rose with exasperation. "I didn't mean what I said," he told her.

"If you didn't mean it," Rose cried, "then what is the alternative? You just said it because you knew it would hurt me beyond anything else?"

"Well you hurt me too," Severus returned coldly.

Rose's eyes brimmed with a fresh bout of tears. "Not on purpose!"

"What did you think would happen?" Severus pushed. "How would you think I would feel?"

"I know," Rose pleaded. "I know, okay!" She quickly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I tried over and over again to hate him, to modify his memory, but I couldn't do it. Every time I found a reason not to."

"I wasn't a good enough reason to go through with it?" Severus asked.

Rose gazed directly into Severus eyes. "You were always the reason not to," she whispered. "I know what he is. I see it. But I also see a dying man begging to make amends to his son and I see his son who deserves to be set free."

Severus stared at Rose for a long time, his face unreadable. "Why is it that you always look for the good in monsters?" he asked in a low hum.

"There are very few true monsters," Rose replied, "but many innately good people that preform monstrous deeds."

Severus continued to survey Rose. They stood a foot away. Rose's body ached to close the distance between them.

"I should probably go," Rose said, straightening up and rubbing her eyes a few times.

Severus shook his head. "You're in no position to be roaming about," he told her. "Stay."

Rose pressed her lips together. "I just want to take a shower," she said, breaking eye contact. "I fell in the dirt. I should be fine after that." She walked away slowly, fighting every muscle that wanted to run back towards Severus.

Severus stood outside the bathroom door. The running water could not quite mask the sounds of Rose crying. His mind was buzzing with her words and the broken images of her tonight. He quietly pushed the door open and stepped inside, unnoticed by Rose.

Severus's hands quickly began unfastening the first several buttons on his nightshirt until he was able to raise the clothing above his head.

Rose's body stiffened as she sensed movement beyond the shower curtain. She completely froze as Severus stepped inside the shower with her. Her left palm was pressed against the wet, warm wall; she was half keeled over and her left hand covered her mouth, muffling her sobs.

Severus's arm hooked around her bent abdomen and pulled her somewhat forcefully to him, front to back. He eased his chin onto her shoulder, his cheek pressed into her wet hair.

Rose was breathing heavily, but the shock of Severus's presence made her sobbing instantly subside. Her body shook under the hot water.

"You could rip my heart out. You could betray me beyond redemption," Severus hissed in her ear. "And I would never stop trying to protect you; I would never stop loving you. I couldn't." His hold tightened around her. "How dare you suggest that I wouldn't care if something happened to you."

"Have I?" Rose asked shakily, "Have I betrayed you beyond redemption?"

Severus spun her around to face him. His eyes pierced into hers, he looked hungry, and slightly deranged. He gripped at the back of Rose's head and pushed her face towards him. He kissed her. It had been months since he had kissed her, yet she knew that he had never kissed her like this. His touch was forceful, aggressive, and angry, though by no means unwanted. He had always been tender and gentle with her. It was clear to Rose that Severus had not yet decided if her acts were beyond redemption.

His mouth slid from her lips and moved down her neck. His teeth sunk into the sensitive skin around her collarbone at the same time he grabbed her backside with his long fingers clawed. Rose's body counter reacted, both tensing as if she was prey with a predator and releasing, instinctively begging for more. Severus's hot erection pressed hard into her abdomen, bruising her. Rose pulled her leg up the side of the tub and rested her foot on the ledge, allowing Severus to penetrate her.

His rhythm was fast and punishing. "I would die," he told her fiercely. Rose's back was pushed into the wall. "I would die before I'd let anything happen to you." He was furious and breathless. "Look at me," he demanded. Rose did as she was told. Her silent tears were washed away by the shower water. Severus was glaring at her, his nostrils flared, his lips curled. He continued to stare at her as he pounded harder and harder within her, driven by both intense anger and severe love. Rose's hands slid against the slippery walls. When her legs began to give out, she gripped at Severus's back, her fingernails digging into his flesh. He lifted her and held her so tightly to his chest, she couldn't move; his long black hair curtained her face, so she was immersed in darkness. She felt him throbbing within her as he ejaculated, his breath coming out in sharp bursts. He didn't set her down or speak or move for several minutes.

Finally, when his breathing slowed, he gently set Rose back on her feet. He looked at her for a long moment as if he was about to say something but decided against it. He then stepped out of the shower.

Rose sunk down in the tub. She sat with her knees to her chest and let the hot water fall over her quivering body. When she felt able to stand up again, she turned off the water and wrapped a towel around her body. She walked through the house to find that Severus was gone.