Chapter 3.
That should have been the ending.
There are a few days when Sirius thinks it was. He thinks they got it out of their systems, this desperate rebellion against their own happiness.
He should know better than that by now. He should know that his capacity for fucking things up is endless.
But he's an idiot, so he genuinely believes it's over and that everything will be fine.
This belief persists until the next time he sees Ginny.
She shows up at his shop in the middle of a Tuesday. She looks so normal in the light of day, like any other customer, dressed in jeans and a Harpies t-shirt.
She says she wants to buy a bike, that she's always wanted one and today's the day.
"Why today?"
"I just came from Mum's. She says I should be more responsible."
"I see."
"Yeah, well, it was do something irresponsible or hex my own mother, so. Here we are."
"Here we are," he echoes softly, pointing her towards the motorbikes he thinks she'll like best.
He goes over the specifications of each model, talks her through the pros and cons. It's his standard sales pitch. He does nothing unprofessional or untoward.
Ginny chooses the smallest model. Though, size is no guarantee of power, and the smallest is also the fastest.
He brings her to his office to sign the paperwork, like he does with every other customer. But his office is private, no windows out to the street like the main shop, and the next thing Sirius knows, they're rushing into each other and he ends up fucking her over his desk.
She leaves without signing the paperwork.
Which means she comes back.
On her second visit to the shop, two good things happen.
First, she signs the paperwork, meaning that Sirius makes a sale.
Second, she gives him a blow-job in his office chair, meaning that Sirius fulfills a fantasy he's had ever since he got an office.
"So, when are you going to teach me to fly that thing?" she asks afterwards, sitting on his desk and watching him button his trousers.
"Er — I mean, I don't normally teach customers to fly… It's quite straightforward if you can fly a broom. Just an extra on-switch and a levitation pedal —"
"But I'm not a normal customer, am I?" she says, standing and pressing her lips against his neck. "Or do you do that with all your customers?"
"Of course not, but I don't —" He sighs. "Do you want me to take you flying?"
"Yes."
He shakes his head a little, but feels a smirk twitching at the corner of his mouth. "Saturday morning?"
"It's a date."
This is stupid.
Sirius is pacing around his shop on his day off, on a day he's not even open. He's waiting for Ginny. His godson's girlfriend. In the daylight. On a public street. On a fucking Saturday.
Sirius is not just a depressed middle-aged asshole with a survivor's guilt complex, he's a stupid depressed middle-aged asshole with a survivor's guilt complex.
He used to be quite smart, he recalls. Developed the Marauder's Map at 14. Became an animagus at 15. It's all been downhill from there.
He refuses to look at the front windows. Anticipation and nervousness bubbles inside him and, seriously, he cannot look.
If he were a rational, normal human being, he'd be nervous about getting caught, about the ramifications for his relationship with Harry, and possibly about dying in a magical motorcycling accident.
But, naturally, what he's actually worried about is, like, impressing a girl? Clearly, he is neither rational nor normal.
Though, if he were, he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
"Why are you walking into the corner?" That's the first thing Ginny says when she comes through the door, so things are off to a brilliant start.
"I —" he sputters for a second, spinning around, then gives up and ignores the question. "Hi."
"Hey," she says, looking like she's smothering a laugh. "Do you want to get going, then?"
"Right, sure, of course." He points towards the bike Ginny bought. "That one's yours."
"I know which bike I bought, Sirius." She's laughing openly at him now.
"Right, sure, of course." He swears he used to know how to speak in full sentences.
She goes over to her bike and gives it another look, stroking a hand adoringly over the clutch. "Hello, you," he hears her murmur to it. More loudly, she asks, "How do I — get it out of the shop?"
"I'd probably levitate it, if I were you."
"Oh. Obviously." She blushes a little, and it's his turn to smother a laugh.
She pulls out her wand and starts sending her bike resolutely towards the door. He stops her before she gets there.
"One thing before we go." He looks around, makes sure there's no one outside the shop, and kisses her. It's light and easy - a morning kiss. She leans towards him, a palm on his chest, lingering for just a moment.
"Mm," she says when she pulls away. "Thanks for reminding me."
"Anytime, love."
When they're outside, they keep their distance. She gets on her bike and he gets on his, which was parked out front. He reviews what he told her yesterday about what all the controls do. She listens patiently, but he gets the sense that she's humouring him.
The second he's finished, before he can even start his own bike, she takes off roaring down the street, soaring into the air when she picks up enough speed. More speed than necessary, honestly.
He doesn't catch up until she's settled in the air, flying in easy circles.
"What took you so long?" she yells when he's within shouting distance, then she takes off again.
She seems to be flying with a purpose, which is unexpected. He thought they were just going for a flight around the neighbourhood so she could get a feel for the bike, but it seems she has other plans. Ginny never ceases to surprise him.
They soar over the countryside for a while. Ginny slows down enough that he can pull up alongside her, and they ride together in easy silence.
The world always looks so still and peaceful from up here — from the air, from a distance. Sirius has the thought that if he flew more often, he might make fewer bad decisions. He could do with a little more stillness and peace in his life.
But, before he gets to any of that, he has to continue the bad decision currently in progress.
Ginny slows, and dips lower to the ground as they pass a small village. He recognizes the area as being close to the Burrow — all hills and greenery and wildflowers. She seems to spot what she's looking for and takes a sharp dive that he scrambles to follow.
She lands cleanly and effortlessly — which is mildly infuriating seeing as Sirius landed his first motorbike sideways and/or in a river for the first six months he had it — in a meadow. It's secluded and quiet, surrounded by a thin layer of trees on three sides and a marshy pond on the other.
She gets off the bike and promptly flops down on the grass, just lies down with her face up towards the warm autumn sun. Her eyes are closed as she smiles radiantly and breathes deeply. Sirius sits cautiously next to her.
"Lie down," she says without opening her eyes.
He does. He lays so they're close but not touching, and he too closes his eyes, letting the sun kiss his face.
"See, isn't that better?" she says. It is. He doesn't think he's lied in the grass since before he went to Azkaban. So, when he was Ginny's age. He should lie in the grass more often.
"How did you like the bike?"
"It was fucking amazing." He can hear the smile in her voice.
"I thought as much," he laughs. "You were a natural up there."
"I don't know why you ever do anything else but fly."
"I was wondering that myself," he says. "It's peaceful in the air, but thrilling at the same time." He pauses for a moment and turns to look at her. "Kind of like being here with you."
She's biting her lip and grinning when she looks back at him. He inches closer to her in the grass and they kiss, slowly and gently. Languidly. It's not a kiss that's going anywhere, it's just a kiss that is.
They lie in the grass for ages, alternating between kissing, and talking, and basking quietly in the sun.
"What is this place?" he asks at one point, drawing circles on her palm as they hold hands in the grass.
"I used to come here when I was a kid," she says. "It's close to the Burrow."
"I thought it must be."
"Fred brought me the first time. He and George used to come and play here. That day was one of the only ones I ever spent with just Fred. He and George were always a package deal, but I think Mum had George doing extra chores that day for some reason, so Fred was stuck playing with just me. We built a fort or something, I don't remember, really. I was only eight, I think. But it was a good day."
Sirius brings their clasped hands to his face and presses a kiss to the back of hers.
"The twins and I came here a lot the summer I turned twelve," she continues. "After Tom Riddle and the diary. Mum wouldn't let me go anywhere alone, but when we got here Fred and George would go play near the pond or fly around on their brooms and I would lie in the grass, just like this. They were the only ones who understood that I needed to be alone, who didn't fuss around and try to protect me constantly. They just let me lie in the grass."
"George is a good man," Sirius says quietly. "A good friend. I wish I'd known Fred better."
"They looked up to you, you know. When they were teenagers. The Great Sirius Black, who created that map and broke out of Azkaban and had all those awful muggle posters."
He laughs at that. "I suppose I was pretty cool, wasn't I?"
Ginny rolls her eyes.
"Well, go on. What did you think of me back then?" he asks in his cheekiest voice.
"You were grumpy. And I hated your house." She pauses, tilting her head. "You made a cute dog, though."
He laughs loudly, then kisses her. "I'm glad you've changed your mind since then."
"Who says I have?" she asks, an eyebrow raised.
"Oh, my pride!" he cries, clutching his heart. "It's wounded!"
"I stand by everything I said." Her mouth twists up into a smirk. "But, does it help if I think you're cute not as a dog now too?"
"Marginally," he pouts.
She laughs, rolling over so she's propped up on her elbows, facing the ground. She starts tearing the grass in front of her to pieces.
"Sirius," she says after a moment, "why do you think we're doing this?"
"'This' as in…"
"This, this whole thing. You and me."
"I — I wish I knew." He sighs. "I think… I think I've always been this way. Whether it was how I was born, or how I was raised… I don't know, but I've always made bad choices. Coped poorly. Done anything I could to feel too much or not at all. Hurt people I loved. I never start out wanting to do the wrong thing, but I always manage it somehow."
She considers this, staring at the ground. "I don't think I used to be like that, but maybe I am now. Since the war."
"War changes everyone."
"I don't want to hurt Harry, you know. He's the best, kindest, most incredible person I've ever known."
"Me too."
"I think I'm going to hurt him really badly." She sighs, pinching her eyes closed. "We both are."
"I think we already have, even if he doesn't know it yet."
"I don't think I can stop."
"I know I can't," Sirius says. He pats the space on the ground next to him. "Come here."
Ginny rolls over into his arms, and he holds her. They stay that way until clouds blow in, covering the sun, and it starts to rain.
"I really shouldn't be here," Ginny says. He feels her throat vibrate against his lips as she speaks, her neck arched back, her head hitting the back of his bedroom door.
"You're not wrong," he says, sliding a hand up the side of her shirt.
She takes his chin and pulls his mouth back to hers, locking him in a kiss that feels like honey and firewhisky: sweet and burning.
Tripping over each other's limbs, they stagger to the bed. His bed. She's never been in his room before, even though it's now been several months of increasingly frequent encounters.
The wrongness of it feels less real every time. It's like… he has Ginny, the best, most interesting part of his life, and he has the rest of his life. Sirius has always been able to compartmentalize with the best of them. It's what's got him through Azkaban. Who knew that the skills he developed to survive prison would also come in handy to survive an illicit affair?
But even if he hadn't been able to emotionally separate her from the rest of his life, he's pretty sure he'd still be doing this. She's his new obsession, his new addiction. Better than firewhisky.
Being in his room seems like it should be a small thing, after all the lines they've already eagerly and recklessly crossed. But this is his private, intimate space.
More importantly, it's in Harry's home. Sirius may own it, but this is Harry's house as much as it is his, maybe more so. And he and Ginny are desecrating it while Harry is out of town for the weekend.
Things progress as they usually do: kissing, taking clothes off, battling between the desire for more, right now, and the desire to slowly and methodically savour every inch of the beautiful witch in his bed.
The latter wins out for now, and he works his way over Ginny's body, trailing his lips over her torso, sucking and pinching at her breasts. He pauses when he gets to her thighs, opting instead to sit up and look at her while he touches her with his hands. He strokes his fingers lazily over the inside of her thigh, inching inwards towards the place he knows she wants to be touched.
She's lying back, watching him touch her. She's so fucking sexy. Young and fit and naturally gorgeous, but more than that, she's fun and fierce and hilarious and she gets him in a way that he's not sure if anyone ever has before.
And he wants her. In this moment, laid bare, he can admit it to himself. He's wanted her this whole time — wanted her body and her company. But now, seeing her in his room, in his bed, he wants more. More than secret kisses and stolen afternoons and sneaking around. All of her. He wants all of her.
It's maddening that he's this close, and he can't have it. That he does have it, she's here, he's touching her right now, but it's not real. It can never be real.
It sneaks up on him, the jealous rage, but it's instantly out of control.
Sirius slips his hand from her thigh and clutches covetously between her legs.
"Do you get this wet for Harry?" The indelicate words escape his lips, a side-effect of this new possessiveness that's taken over him.
Ginny's head snaps up to meet his gaze, and she stares at him for a moment, but she doesn't object to the question.
"No," she says.
"Just for me? Good girl." He slips two fingers inside her and strokes the spot she likes. She moans, arching her hips up and rubbing against his hand.
He bends down and flicks his tongue across her clit, just once. Then he stills and looks at her from between her legs.
"Does he lick your pussy as good as I do?"
"No," she groans out. "Fuck, Sirius, please."
A grin splits across his face as he dives in, giving her what she's asking for. He knows her body now, knows how to get her right where he wants her, so much better than he did the first time he did this at the dingy bar. How very far they've come.
She tangles a hand in his hair, keeping him close to her. When she comes undone, he feels it, quivering against his face and hand. He hears it too. Loudly.
"Does he ever make you come like that?"
"God, no," she whispers. "Never like that."
It's exactly what he wants to hear, sick as it is. The validation makes his skin tingle and his pulse quicken. His desire becomes ruinous, catastrophic.
He thrusts into her. He's aware that he hasn't given her much time to recover from her orgasm, but he can't wait. From the way she wraps her legs around his waist and pulls him closer, she doesn't seem to mind.
She feels amazing, like always. Warm and soft and wet and exhilarating beyond belief. But he can't quite lose himself to blissful oblivion like he wants to, like his body is desperately clamouring for.
Because Sirius doesn't want bliss, not really. He wants rage. He wants agony. He wants to beat at the unfairness of everything. He wants to be hurt.
He pulls out of her. "Turn over. On your knees," he says, panting.
He doesn't want to see her face.
She obliges, practically purring as she does so.
He thrusts back into her. Hard.
She gasps.
"Did that hurt?"
"Yes," she breathes. He doesn't move. "Do it again."
He does it again.
And again and again and again. He fucks her punishingly hard, though he's not sure if it's her he's punishing, or himself.
"Yes, Sirius, fuck. Don't stop."
He pulls her hair at one point. Grabs a fistful and twists it around his hand, yanking her head up.
He smacks her arse hard enough to leave a mark. He does it a few times. Each time, she squeals, but then she arches towards him, begging for more.
He leaves marks on her shoulder, from his teeth.
He grips her hips so hard she'll have finger-shaped bruises later.
While he's fucking her, he loses all sense of time. By the time he finally comes, bursting inside her with an anguished moan, he's exhausted.
He collapses into his bed, head hitting the pillow, instantly down from the jealousy-induced high. Ginny falls down next to him, breathing heavily, her expression unreadable.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
She answers him by crawling closer and tucking her face against his chest. She presses a kiss to his collarbone and he wraps his arms around her.
"I'm sorry. We probably should have talked about that first," he murmurs into her hair. "Something just — came over me, I guess."
"You don't have to apologize," she says. "I wasn't lying when I said I liked it. That was — amazing, actually." There's something strained in her voice, and Sirius realizes he feels something wet against his chest.
"Ginny?" He shifts so he can see her face. She's crying. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry." He holds her close again, rubbing a hand over her back.
"I'm really fine. I don't know why I'm crying."
Even as she says it, her tears intensify, until she's sobbing openly and loudly against his chest.
"I'm sorry," he says again. "You're okay now. I've got you. You're safe. I'm so sorry." He repeats those phrases over and over, not quite sure what he's saying most of the time, rubbing soothing circles over her back.
She quiets eventually. When she does, she lies still for a little while, just letting him hold her. When she's ready, she shifts off him and turns to face the ceiling, their shoulders still touching.
"I really am fine," she says. "I know it might not seem like it, but I'm not upset."
"I believe you."
"I was overwhelmed, maybe. That was… a lot. But it was amazing, Sirius, honestly."
"For me too," he says, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, "but I just want you to be alright."
They both stare at the ceiling.
"You make me feel really alive," she says eventually. "More than anything else does. When we fly bikes, when we have sex — this time especially, but every other time too — I don't know, but everything's… more. Even when we just talk for a minute, it's the highlight of my week. And you're so good to me. You don't judge me when I do terrible things. Probably because you're usually doing them with me." A grin flits across her face, then disappears. "If things were different, I'd probably tell you that I loved you right now."
"If things were different," he murmurs after a moment, "I'd say I love you, too."
"Sometimes, I think things could be different."
He props himself up on an elbow to look at her. "Different how?" he asks, trying not to sound too hopeful.
Ginny doesn't answer.
Instead, she looks away. "I should go," she says.
"I — What? You don't have to go. Can't we finish talking?"
"I'm not sure we have anything else to talk about, Sirius." She's out of bed, gathering her clothes.
He's left helpless, watching her leave yet again.
When she's almost dressed and halfway out the door, it bursts out of him. "Why? Ginny, why can't things be different? You don't have to stay with him. You can do anything you want! Leave him! Why won't you?"
She stares at him for a long moment. "Because Harry would never hurt me."
And then she's gone.
a/n: Thanks so much for reading! Reviews are always extremely appreciated.
I was quite nervous to post this chapter, as it contains both my favourite scene from this work and, separately, the one that was the most difficult to write and which I'm still not sure I got quite right.
As ever, please come join me on tumblr (diana-skye).
I wish you all an extremely happy and safe holiday if you are celebrating this week, and I'll see you back here on Tuesday for the final chapter!