"Your hair looks weird," Berry calls across the counter one day while Steven polishes Peridot's gem. It's a habit he'd gotten into when he realized how dusty it had gotten one day; so now he makes it a point to polish it until it shines every few days. It helps a little, makes him feel like he's doing something. And he knows it's not enough, that it's not nearly enough, but at least it's something. At the very least, it's all he can do. So he does it. He does it for her, and… and for himself. Because it feels nice to just hold her gem close to him, as cold and vacant as it may be. It feels like, at least in some way, he's there for her. He hopes she knows he's there for her.
He pauses mid-polish, however, and spares a glance up at the Ruby, his eyebrows raising and lips curving up in a briefly amused expression before it falls into a more contemplative look. He knows their routine by now - she had mentioned it once, a while ago, after Peridot had poofed, but he hadn't had the energy to do anything about it then. Now, however, he understands, because his hair definitely had grown quite a bit longer in the past few weeks. It's time for a cut. He honestly appreciates Berry's reminders; he doesn't like it when his hair gets long, but he never really pays attention to it until it's too long. He doesn't like it as short as it used to be either, though; he likes it… about shoulder-length, maybe a little lower if he feels like it that day. Not too long, not too short. "It's about that time of the month, huh?" He mumbles, managing a smirk despite himself as he turns back to Peridot's gem. "I'll chop it down a little bit after this."
Berry hums in response, and silence falls over the two of them for a moment while Steven finishes up what he's doing. He enjoys the content quiet they can fall into from time to time, but he'd be lying if he says he doesn't wonder what's on her mind most of the time. She's always so thoughtful, so contemplative. He can see the gears in her head turning every time he looks at her. As Star Ruby, he'd never really been able to notice a difference, considering the fusion was mostly laid back and calm, their thoughts slow and casual. They were relaxed, confident. Berry was the opposite. Just once, he wishes he'd be able to know what's really going on in there, but he doesn't even think she'd be able to explain it to him. His mind runs a hundred thousand miles per second, but Berry's mind is trapped in a constant buzz, faster than the speed of light itself.
Perhaps, he considers with a smirk, it's because she's made of light.
"I've been thinking," she says suddenly, as Steven moves to put Peridot's gem down on its pillow. He smirks, because he knows she'd been thinking, but he can't pass up the opportunity.
"That's never a good thing."
Berry throws something at him and he catches it without looking, chuckling as he returns it to its rightful place. He slides onto a stool, sitting across from her, and crosses his arms over the counter while she composes herself again, though she gives him the stink eye as she speaks. "About the rebels. Melanite. Sage and Agate apparently plan on returning to Homeworld when we're ready, and considering how long we've been here without interruption from Homeworld - and I'm not trying to jinx anything, the peace is great - they're still busy fighting off the rebels." She pauses, and he frowns, inclining his head as she speaks, "but that does beg the question. What are you planning on doing? It'd be foolish to try and return to Homeworld at this point."
("I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here.")
"I'm not going back," he tells her honestly, pursing his lips for a moment before he continues, "I don't wanna go back, Berry, I… you know how I feel about Homeworld. You know that I'm… that I… I mean, yeah, it was my home. And maybe on some level I miss…" He stops himself, before he can utter the words he knows are bound to destroy him, and starts over. The Ruby merely gazes at him, brows raised slightly in surprise. "But I can't. I can't go back there. I can't just give myself back to them, not knowing everything I know now. Knowing about the Diamonds, and what they've done, and what she did. It wouldn't be right, you know? It wouldn't fix anything."
Berry looks startled. "No… where did this come from? You were so…"
"I can't fix it on my own," he interrupts quietly, knowing where she's going with that, what she's about to say. "I can't take a broken planet and mend it back together with the power of love and friendship. And even if I could, I don't want to. There's nothing I can do about Blue by myself, and nobody here is anywhere near ready to fight that kind of battle. I think the best thing we can do is… sit it out. Sit it out and wait. Like Agate said, Homeworld needs to change before anything else can be done, right? But it's not my…" He stops again, taking in a deep breath and pushing on, despite how much his heart aches in response to the words that form on his tongue. "It's not my responsibility to make it change. The Earth is my responsibility, so I'm gonna fight for that. When Homeworld comes, when Blue comes - I'm going to fight. That's the right thing to do. When Homeworld's ready for me, I'll be there. Until then, I'm staying right here on my planet." He pauses again, rolling his shoulders back. "I don't have a plan. I just know that what happened before isn't going to happen again. Homeworld needs to change. I need to change."
Berry gazes at him for a moment, eyebrows furrowed so close that they're almost touching. Then, finally, the corners of her lips tug upwards into a brief, barely noticeable smile, but her eyes practically shine behind her visor as she inclines her head toward him. "You have, hybrid."
Steven grins a little, propping his elbows up on the table and resting his chin in his hands. He knows he's changed, he knows how different he is. He's not the same little boy that had walked into that spaceship with Aquamarine. He's not the same kid he was when he'd first set foot on Homeworld, and he doesn't really expect himself to be. In a way, he doesn't want to be either; he was so innocent, so naive, so… so unprepared and clueless. Yes, he misses the easier days, and he mourns for the boy he used to be, but this is who he is now. He's never really liked himself, and he doesn't really like himself now, but at least he feels a little more ready to face the challenges being thrown at him. At least he feels like he'll be able to survive in this world.
More than that, he'd matured emotionally. He knows he's told the gems things that the younger him from eight months ago wouldn't have dared to speak aloud. He knows there's still things he's willing to tell them, everything he's willing to tell them if they're willing to listen. He knows to be honest when he's not fine, when he's hurt, when he's upset, when he's scared. He knows he can tell them these things, that they're not going to break apart in his hands when he does so.
(That they will take care of him. That they are.)
He doesn't want to lie to them, plaster on a smile and tell them he's fine when everyone knows he isn't. He doesn't want to hide from it anymore. He'd learned what hiding from his trauma does to him, and he hadn't liked the results. It's better this way, with everything out in the open. It's better that they know, that they understand, because in a way, he doesn't, not completely. He just knows there are things he's been through that he hopes deep in his gem they'll never know personally - but he will tell them about it, because he knows keeping it from them, shutting himself off and not talking about it won't solve anything. He's not going to scream his traumatic experiences from the rooftop for everyone to hear; more so in quiet words when they ask him, honest descriptions and gentle reassurances. Because he's not okay, but he did survive. And that's important. He survived, and everyone knows it. Nobody expects his experiences on Homeworld to be great. So he can be honest about how bad it was, how much he'd been hurt.
("You have to be honest about how bad it feels so you can move on!")
And he is. For the first time, he is.
Looking at the Ruby in front of him, he likes to think he knows who to thank for that. Berry's so open, so honest, so blunt. Steven's learned a lot from her, but mostly, he's learned that she's right. That he's just a kid. That he deserves to be able to talk about things, that not everything is his responsibility, that he doesn't have to fix everyone and everything at the risk of breaking himself. And, yeah, if he can help someone? He's going to try. Of course he's going to try. But as for Homeworld and Blue Diamond, he's going to try and learn when to stop testing his limits. When enough is enough. When he needs to step back, hands off, and just let things happen.
"I suppose it's time to head back to the ship," Berry sighs, looking toward the warp pad, successfully breaking Steven from his daze of thoughts. He shakes his head a few times and looks back down at her as she shrugs and glances over at him. "Almost finished with Lemon Lime's weapon. Not that he needs it," she remarks, "with the things Tangerine's teaching him."
Steven can't help but chuckle. Tangerine had been teaching Lemon Lime how to fight without a weapon while Berry works on finishing it, since her limited supplies had put her at a bit of a disadvantage when it comes to building. He still doesn't know what the weapon itself is yet - Lemon Lime was very adamant about keeping it a surprise until it's done, and Berry had amusedly agreed not to say a word to anyone. Regardless, yes, he's sure by the time Tangerine is finished with Lemon Lime, the Peridot won't even need a weapon. "Yeah, hey, I bet. Wonder if she'll teach him the art of gem pulling," he comments and chuckles again, while Berry simply rolls her eyes with a smirk. "It's nice he's learning how to fight, though. Definitely a smart move."
"I'm surprised," Berry admits. "He's never… though, this is a different situation. Nothing he's ever been in before. I-" She stops, her red cheeks turning maroon, and looks away from him. "I'd been hoping to keep him out of it, but he's determined to fight for himself this time."
"You can still protect him," Steven reminds her gently. "But it's good for him to learn."
"I know." Berry doesn't speak again for a few moments, only letting out a sigh as she turns to jump off the stool. "Anyway, I'm gonna head off. I'll be back when the moon comes back up." Steven glances out the window and quirks an eyebrow, but nods. It's still a little early, but he's unsurprised by the fact that Berry's willing to just shut herself off in her ship and work on the weapon. He knows being able to build anything, for her, is better than not being able to build. Though he also knows her lack of supplies and tools had put her in a pretty sour mood at the same time. "And don't forget the haircut, you're gonna need it. Long hair is a disadvantage-"
"In battle, I know," Steven drones on, rolling his eyes playfully at the Ruby as she steps onto the warp pad. He heaves himself up after a moment, nodding toward Berry. "I know. I'll do it now."
Berry smirks slightly in response, amusement flashing through her eyes, and warps away.
Steven looks back for a moment, toward Peridot's gem, then rolls his shoulders back and makes his way over to the bathroom. Haircuts are a tedious process which take him quite a bit, but they're always worth it in the end. It's just hard to maneuver the scythe and chop off just enough hair to get it the way he likes it, and it never feels quite right the first few weeks when he does. Still, he knows it needs to be done, so he resigns himself to his fate as he retreats to the bathroom. He doesn't plan on showering or using the toilet, so he simply leaves the door open. Much better for him, actually, he'll have a little more room to maneuver around and get settled.
He checks himself out in the mirror, summoning his scythe and propping it up, then begins the process of running his fingers through his hair to detangle it. It's a little tricky, although not nearly as much as it had been on Homeworld. Showering as often as he does has granted him the benefit of being able to detangle his hair much easier than it had been back on Homeworld.
So he sets to work.
He's in the process of chopping off a chunk when Pearl arrives, calling out to him. He calls back quickly, but goes silent again to focus on his task - one that, unfortunately, gets interrupted when Pearl peeks into the bathroom to see why he left the door open. Her horrified shriek is all he needs to hear for him to whirl around, scythe at the ready to fight now instead of chopping hair, but when he realizes that he's the reason for her reaction, he can do little more than blink. He freezes for a second, his entire body seizing, rigid with a sudden rush of icy cold fear when she rushes toward him, but it vanishes almost immediately in the next second. It's just Pearl, he knows he's not in any trouble, and certainly not in any danger. He does brace himself for a firm scolding, knowing he's about to receive one simply because of the way she carries herself, and the expression of motherly concern and fury rapidly spreading across her face, but he still reminds himself that he's not going to be in trouble. "Steven Universe! What on Earth are you-"
Steven winces at the use of his last name, but this time only because he knows that the scolding is definitely going to be worse than what he originally thought. So he's quick to try and divert her attention for the most part, to remedy whatever he had done. "Ah, I can explain!"
"Then explain!" Pearl squawks, gesturing toward the scythe. Steven just grimaces in response now, silent. "Why are you trying to cut your hair with that?! You're going to cut your head off!"
Steven blinks, raising his eyebrows, and drops the scythe to his side. "I always do this."
Pearl stares at him, absolutely astonished, and he realizes, of course she wouldn't know that. It's been quite some time since he's had to do it, and that was long before he'd even started thinking about Earth. He grimaces a little more, heaving out a quiet sigh, and diminishes the scythe for her own benefit, reminding himself to continue later. His hair feels absolutely weird now, only half cut. "It's, ah, how I keep my hair short. Actually, it grows pretty quickly now," he adds, narrowing his eyes faintly, then shakes his head. Pearl just continues to stare at him. "But really, it's okay. I've been doing this for a long time," he assures her. "I won't hurt myself, Mom."
"That's not-" Pearl lets out a low, whining sound in the back of her throat, pressing her hands to her face. "Oh, Steven. That's not how you cut your hair, goodness. Stars, I didn't even think…" He furrows his eyebrows, watching her for a moment - and trying to ignore the odd feeling of shame rapidly seizing his gut - but it vanishes quickly as he watches her suddenly relax again. Her demeanor changes in an instant, confusion and concern melting into fondness as she shakes her head at him and looks up again, sighing. "Come out here, let me help you with that."
He's surprised, but pleased, and he doesn't argue.
She helps him clean up the chunks of hair on the floor, then takes him to the living room and summons a pair of scissors from her gem. He allows her to take the lead, sitting him down on the coffee table and stepping around behind him, but she does ask him how short he wants it before she sets to work. The sound of the scissors snipping away at his hair is oddly comforting - and musical - and he can't help but smile at the memories that surface along with it. He remembers her sitting down to cut his hair when he was younger, no matter how busy she might have been. She had admitted once that she liked it longer (he hadn't had to ask why), but had soon grown so accustomed to cutting it for him that she ended up volunteering before he could ask her to help him. He smiles at the memories, shutting his eyes and letting out a soft sigh.
It doesn't take her long to finish, brushing through his hair a few times before presenting him with a hand mirror from her gem so he can look, and he's absolutely pleased by what he sees. Not too long, not too short, just right. Shoulder length. Just how he likes it.
"It's perfect," he murmurs, looking back up at her. "Thanks, Mom."
Pearl only smiles at him, squeezing his shoulder lightly. "Of course, Steven." She pauses for a moment, then raises an eyebrow and adds, "just let me know next time you need help. You know I'll gladly cut your hair for you in a much less dangerous way than that. So no scythe."
"No scythe," Steven agrees, chuckling. "Promise."
Some things never change - even when everything else does.