Suffering Silently

Disclaimer: all Harry Potter names, characters and locations belong to JK Rowling. I own nothing that you recognize.

A/N: This story was written for me back in 2011 by the author fhestia. I have spoken with the author and have been given permission to republish their story.

This story is very special to me because it is the first fanfiction that was written for me, and it is the inspiration for my story Complicated Healing. That's why I wrote Complicated Healing, as a gift to fhestia. And after all these years, Suffering Silently is still one of my favorites. So thank you, fhestia, for the story as well as the inspiration.

"Well, well."

Sirius rocked back in his chair and crossed his arms as he noticed Severus enter the kitchen of Grimmauld Place. "You finally decided to join us, I see,"

Severus ignored his taunt and shrugged out of his traveling cloak. The sodden edges dripped water steadily on the flagstone in the kitchen.

"Don't know why you even bothered," Sirius continued, scorn infusing every word. "The meeting's nearly finished by now."

Severus took his time drying his cloak. He wasn't sure why he'd bothered either. The trip in a pouring rain had taken twice as long as usual. He'd found himself lacking the focus necessary for a long-distance Apparition and had walked to the closest point he could find, becoming thoroughly drenched in the process. He felt weak, nearly ill from the effort, and was beginning to shiver despite the warmth in the room.

"You're soaked through, Severus," Molly called from the far end of the table. "Come sit near the fire and warm up."

He nodded in Molly's direction but took a seat nearest the door instead. The meeting showed every sign of drawing to a close and he wanted to leave as quickly as possible at its conclusion.

"Have you any news?" Remus asked quietly as he poured a cup of tea and passed it across the table to him.

Severus wrapped his hands around the cup, savoring the warmth, but did not drink. All eyes turned toward him. He swallowed, fighting to keep his expression neutral. The pain that had started in his throat days before had worsened and his head throbbed in time with his pounding heartbeat.

"Rumors only...concerning Ollivander. I must..." he swallowed painfully, his voice beginning to fail "I need to speak to Arthur."

The last came out as little more than a ragged whisper. The Order members at the far end of the table leaned closer to hear him and gave each other sideways glances as they realized there would be no elaboration.

"Arthur is working late tonight," Remus said.

Severus sagged in his seat as he glanced around the crowded table. Why hadn't he noticed?

"No news," Sirius let the legs of his chair down with a bang. "Again. Will somone explain why we're risking our necks allowing him here?"

"That's enough, Sirius," Molly said, shooting him a warning glance.

"If there is no other business," Kingsley Shacklebolt said, standing from the table to address the group, "I suggest we adjourn before the weather worsens."

General murmurs of agreement went up and the kitchen began to fill with the sounds of casual talk and laughter.

Severus sighed and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. He didn't know why he felt so miserable. Even the strongest analgesic potion he could tolerate did little to ease the searing pain. He wasn't sleeping well, couldn't eat and to make matters worse, he was beginning to feel achy and feverish.

"Severus?"

At the sound of his name, he started in his chair and nearly knocked his cup of tea over.

"Oh, dear," Molly said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted a quick word."

He remained silent, raising his eyebrows inquiringly at her.

"Arthur should be here within the hour. If you're going to wait for him, I thought you might like to join us for a meal," she said. "You usually leave so quickly after the meetings."

Severus shook his head. Just the idea of trying to consume anything caused his throat to constrict in pain.

"Thank you," he said, his voice sounding oddly muffled, "But I must see Dumbledore tonight."

He started to push himself away from the table but Molly placed a hand on his arm to stop him.

"Severus, wait," she said. "I hate to pry, but are you sure you're quite well?"

"No, it's..." he said, struggling to get each word out. He tugged at his collar which was beginning to feel too tight and swiped at his sweaty forehead with his sleeve. "My throat..."

She nodded knowingly. "I thought you looked a bit peaky," she said. "Well, if you're coming down with something, you shouldn't be out in this horrid weather. All the more reason to stay." She smiled down at him, her satisfied manner suggesting the matter had been decided. "We can get a message to Albus."

Severus tried to protest further but his voice failed him completely. He coughed once and the answering stab of pain in his temples made him feel lightheaded. He dropped his head into trembling hands, taking deep breaths as the dizziness slowly passed.

Molly took the chair next to his, leaning in closely so she wouldn't be overheard. "You look like you need to rest," she said.

Severus wiped the sweat from his upper lip with a shaking hand and shivered. He did need to rest, and if he didn't leave soon he wasn't sure he'd have the strength to make it back home. He stood and the quick movement made him feel woozy again. He leaned against the table, head bowed as the room seemed to undulate around him. He'd known it was coming, had felt himself weakening for days but hadn't expected such a quick deterioration in his physical condition.

"Molly," he managed to whisper. 'I'm sorry, but..." He took a shuddering breath, forcing the words out through the pain. "I need...to lie down."

"Of course you do," Molly said. "Wait for me by the staircase, I'll be just a moment."

When Molly was certain no one was watching, she assisted him up the stairs and guided him to an unused bedroom at the far end of the corridor. The room was small but tidy, with a chair positioned near the hearth and a bed pushed up under a large window. Rain pattered steadily against the glass as she eased him down to the edge of the mattress.

"Shoes off," she said briskly, shaking out the blanket she'd carried folded on her arm.

Severus felt too ill and dazed to protest and clumsily toed off his boots. Molly sent them sailing under the bed with a flick of her wand. As she turned to start a fire in the grate, he stretched out with a grateful sigh. The plump pillows cradled his aching head and the sheets felt blessedly cool against his fevered skin. He couldn't risk staying long, but a few minutes of rest wouldn't make a difference one way or another.

"You're shivering," Molly said. "Let's tuck you in well."

He closed his eyes as she bent over him, suddenly aware of the comforting smells of cinnamon and sugar and baking bread.

"There," Molly said, stepping back and surveying him with satisfaction. "You look a bit more comfortable now."

"Mum," a voice whined from the corridor, "Where did you disappear to? We're all starving."

Molly rolled her eyes, patted his arm and moved to the door, opening it a crack.

"Keep your hair on, Ronald," she said. "Ask Ginny to start the meal and I'll be there in a few minutes."

Molly waited, listening as the heavy footfalls receded and then moved back to Severus's bedside.

She conjured a glistening tumbler of water and offered it to him. Severus shook his head. Despite a raging thirst, he'd had little to drink because of the pain. It felt like shards of metal tearing his throat when he tried to swallow.

"Just try a few sips," Molly encouraged him. "The cold water may help."

He propped himself on one elbow, pain knifing through his throat and neck with the movement. The water was so cold it had partially turned to slush and the glass, slick with condensation, nearly slipped from his grasp.

Molly watched silently as he took a few tentative swallows. The icy water numbed some of the pain but the back of his throat felt swollen and he choked on the last mouthful. She took the glass from him and rubbed his back gently as he folded forward, spluttering and coughing.

"There, there," she said soothingly.

When he was able to sit upright again, she produced her wand.

"Lumos," she murmured. "Open up and let me have a look."

Molly held his chin gently, directing the wand light inside his mouth. She turned her head from one side to another, narrowing her eyes in concentration. "Can you open up a bit wider?" she asked, her voice edged with frustration. "I can hardly see anything."

Severus tried to do as she asked, but found he couldn't open his mouth more than a few centimeters without pain spiking through his temple and jaw. He clutched the side of his head and slumped back to the bed.

"I think this is more serious than a simple sore throat," Molly said, a worried frown creasing her forehead. "Poppy needs to have a look at you."

"No, I..." Severus coughed again and his eyes darted anxiously toward the door where voices and laughter were growing louder in the corridor. He should have left when he had the chance instead of giving in to a moment of weakness.

"Don't worry," Molly said softly. "No one need know."

She loosened his collar, conjured a warm flannel and snugged it around his throat. Even with her attentions, he felt chilled all the way through. A hard shudder shook him. She pulled the blanket up to his chin and brushed the hair back from his forehead.

"You rest for now. I'll be back to check on you soon."

.oOo.

"How is he doing?" Molly asked as Poppy Pomfrey stepped out into the corridor, gently shutting the bedroom door behind her.

The Hogwarts matron blew out a tired sigh. "It's a good thing you contacted me when you did," she said. "He's a bit more comfortable now, but still in a fragile state."

"Poor thing," Molly said. "I knew he didn't look well, but I had no idea he was so ill."

Poppy tucked her wand away with a wry laugh. "Well, that's Severus, I'm afraid. He's most likely been ill for days and hiding it from everyone."

Molly nodded. "Still, I wish I could have done something for him sooner."

"There wasn't much you could do," she said reassuringly. "He had easily the largest peritonsillar abscess I've seen."

Molly winced at the words. "It sounds dreadful."

"And it's as dreadful as it sounds," the matron said. "But I've drained the abscess, given him a strong analgesic and enough Dreamless Sleep to knock him on his arse for a while. Even at that, he's in for a rough night."

"I'll stay with him," Molly offered. "Heaven knows I've had enough experience with that. Why, when Percy was a boy, he'd get the most terrible..."

Molly's voice trailed off and her eyes grew distant for a moment. "Never mind,"she said, shaking her head slightly.

"Severus will likely need another analgesic or two before morning, so I'll try to leave enough," Poppy said briskly, trying to change the subject. "I would stay, but..."

"You're needed at Hogwarts," Molly reassured her. "I don't mind at all."

"Poppy Pomfrey," came a hearty voice from the top of the staircase. "I thought I heard your voice."

The two witches whirled at the sudden interruption. Sirius was standing with one hand on the banister, a concerned frown creasing his forehead.

"Everything okay?" he asked, moving toward them. "Nothing's wrong with the kids, I hope?"

"The children are fine," Poppy said. "Don't worry."

Molly rushed to explain. "Sev...er, I should say, an Order member took ill after the meeting and I asked Poppy to come over."

"It's not Remus...?" he said, moving quickly toward the bedroom door.

"Sirius, wait!" Molly said as he walked past her. He threw the door open and stood frozen, staring at the figure curled up in bed.

After a long moment when no one spoke, Sirius barked out a laugh.

"If I didn't know better,"he said, "I would swear that's Snape lying there."

"That is Severus," Molly said.

"Ah. I thought I recognized his greasy cloak still hanging in the kitchen," Sirius said, his lip curling in disgust.

"He became quite ill after the meeting tonight and needed to lie down," Molly said, trying to maneuver herself into the doorway to block Sirius from entering.

"But why is he still here?" Sirius asked. "If he was in such sorry shape, why didn't he leave right away?"

"He wanted to," Molly said. "But he was barely staying on his feet. I couldn't send him out into the rain."

"You certainly could have," Sirius said, turning toward her. "But instead you took pity on him." His features contorted in anger. "You have a generous nature, Molly. Too generous for your own good and it's going to get you in trouble one day."

Her face flushed. "Severus is a member of the Order. He has as much right to be here as anyone."

"Not in my house, he doesn't," he said menacingly. "I want him out of here."

Poppy stepped between Molly and Sirius, who were eyeing each other warily.

"We can't move him yet," Poppy said to Sirius. "Not under any circumstances. His condition is too serious. I'll notify Albus as soon as I return and he can make the final decision in the morning."

"No," Sirius said, whirling on Poppy, growling low in his throat. "No, Dumbledore doesn't get to decide everything for me. I'm trapped in this sodding house on his orders, unable to make a move without his permission, and I'll be damned if I'm sharing it with Snape, too."

From inside the bedroom Severus moaned in his sleep, tossing fitfully, his breathing loud and harsh in the quiet of the corridor.

"That's it. I've had enough of your foolishness, Sirius," Molly said, stepping close to him. "I know there is little love lost between you two, but we're doing nothing until Poppy can talk to Albus."

She held up a hand as Sirius made a reflexive move toward the doorway. "Severus is very ill and he leaves here tonight over my dead body, do you understand?"

"I'm not a child," Sirius said, pushing her hand away.

"Then stop acting like one and go to bed."

Sirius glared at her for a moment and then turned on his heel. "You haven't heard the last of this," he said over his shoulder. "Either he leaves in the morning, or I do. And you can tell Dumbledore that."

.oOo.

"What if he's faking it?" Sirius swirled the dregs of tea in his cup as he sat at the table, watching the leaves settle at the bottom.

"Sirius..."

"No, hear me out, Remus," he said, glancing up. "What if it's a ruse? Snape pretends to be ill, and stays here long enough to give You-Know-Who a chance to locate the headquarters. Don't tell me it hasn't crossed your mind."

"If Severus is faking it, he's doing a remarkable job, " Remus said, draining his own cup. "Hasn't Poppy been here nearly every night for the past week?"

Molly banged a plate onto a tray as she listened to the two friends talk.

"It could all be part of his plan. Maybe Poppy is even in on it," Sirius replied. "Bottom line, I don't trust him."

Sirius glanced up at a loud snort from Molly.

"If the Headmaster trusts him," Remus said, "Then we should as well."

"Oh, Dumbledore," Sirius said spitefully, shaking his head. "We're supposed to blindly follow him, do anything he asks of us, believe whatever he wants us to believe without questioning. I'm sick of it."

"I cannot believe what I'm hearing," Molly said, rounding on them, gripping a tea tray so tightly her knuckles whitened. "You should be ashamed of yourselves. Both of you."

Lupin averted his eyes, but Sirius laughed.

"And you should see the soppy expression on your face, Molly," he said. "Don't let Snape fool you. He is a master manipulator and a liar."

"A liar, is he? You wouldn't be saying that if you'd been the one sitting by his bedside while he coughed up blood for two nights running." She slammed the tray on the table.

"My point exactly," Sirius said. "You've been playing nursemaid all week and now you're tired and overemotional and not thinking straight. Let us handle this."

"Don't you ever," she said fiercely as she snatched his cup away and sent it hurtling toward the sink, "ever patronize me, Sirius Black."

"Molly, calm down," Remus said in a soothing tone. "Sirius didn't mean..."

"And leave Severus alone," she said, ignoring Remus.

"Not while he's putting the entire household in danger, I won't."

"How exactly are we in danger?" she asked, her voice rising. "The poor man can scarcely move about!"

"The 'poor man' is a Death Eater, Molly, or have you forgotten?" Sirius scoffed. "He bears the Dark Mark. He answers to You-Know-Who. Everything the Order has accomplished could be in jeopardy because he's here. "

"You are being horrible," Molly said, turning to attend to the dishes. Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus and said nothing.

A harsh whisper broke the uneasy silence.

"Sirius is correct."

They all turned to see Severus supporting himself against the doorway with one arm. After a moment, he approached the table and sank heavily into a chair. He had regained some use of his voice. While speaking no longer caused him agony, his words still came out haltingly.

"What are you doing out of bed?" Molly asked.

He ignored her question. "The longer I remain at Grimmauld Place, the greater the risk."

"But the Fidelius charm..." Remus said.

"If I am summoned while other Death Eaters are nearby, there is a chance the connection of the Dark Marks would be enough to betray our location." Severus paused, breathing heavily from the effort of speech. "The danger, unfortunately, is quite real. I must leave today."

"I'm glad someone is speaking sense," Sirius said. "Even if it is you."

Severus squeezed his eyes shut, running a shaking hand over his face. A rivulet of sweat worked its way down his temple.

"You've gone completely white," Molly said, going to his side. "Have you had your potions today?"

He shook his head. "If I take them, I'll be too groggy to travel."

"That's because you're supposed to be resting," she said. "Go lie down and I'll bring you a tray."

"No," Severus said, pushing himself from the table. "I've coddled myself long enough."

"Too right you've coddled yourself," Sirius said in a cold, sneering voice. "What's wrong, Snivelly? Starting to feel the pressure? It's much nicer hiding out here than facing your master, isn't it?"

Severus clenched his jaw, his eyes blazing with hatred, but he remained silent as he walked over to retrieve his cloak. It wasn't worth the energy to fight him.

"That will be quite enough, Sirius."

Dumbledore's voice rang out in the kitchen. Sirius dropped his head, pretending to be very interested in a spot on the table.

"Albus!" Molly said. "I wasn't expecting you this morning. Will you have something to eat?"

"Thank you, Molly," he said, "But no. I cannot stay long."

He approached Severus, grasping the younger man by the upper arms. "Poppy has been keeping me apprised of your condition. You gave us all quite a scare. I trust you're feeling better now?"

"I'm fine, Headmaster."

"Glad to hear it. Because I must say, you look dreadful."

Severus pulled on his cloak, fumbling with the clasps. Dumbledore fastened the cloak tightly around him and asked, "Are you well enough to Apparate today?"

"I believe so."

"Good." He gave the younger man an encouraging pat on the arm. "Poppy is waiting for us in the Infirmary."

"Albus, please," Molly said. "Severus is still too ill to travel anywhere."

Dumbledore turned to her with a kind smile. "You have given him excellent care, Molly, and I thank you. But I'm afraid it's no longer safe to allow him to remain here. We have no other alternative."

"Well," she said, her chin trembling a bit as she took in the sight of Severus standing with his shoulders bowed. "Whatever you think is best. Take care of yourself," she added softly.

Sirius made a retching noise and Molly turned to fix him with a glare.

"Headmaster," Severus said. "There is one concern. The Dark Lord will expect me to make an appearance soon and when I do, I'll need crucial information to relay to him; something that will explain my absence these past days..."

He broke off as his voice failed him. Molly tutted and brought over a cup of tea. Dumbledore watched as Severus accepted the cup with a trembling hand and took a long drink.

"I have already put the word out through usual channels that we have been tracking your movements more closely than usual. Voldemort should appreciate the need to keep your distance from him for a while"

Severus began to speak but Dumbledore silenced him with a gesture.

"Rest your voice," he said. "I'm aware the tactic won't buy us much time, but we should have perhaps a few days where you can rest and gain strength while we fabricate a believable tale. Sirius, I'm sure, would be happy to help us in that little matter?"

Dumbledore fixed Sirius with a piercing look until he nodded his assent.

"And, Molly," Dumbledore said as he guided Severus from the room with a hand on his back, "Please don't worry. I will take good care of him until our arrival at Hogwarts."