The first time she realized she was in love with him, he was brushing his teeth.
She'd stayed the night in his room at Grimmauld, and as happened unfortunately often, she dropped her wand to the floor with a loud clatter as soon as her alarm started to blare. Muttering a stream of curses, she nearly fell out of bed reaching for her wand before managing to grasp it and silence her alarm. Finally sitting back up against the pillows, she looked up blearily to see Remus stepping out of the bathroom that adjoined his room with a toothbrush dangling out of his mouth.
"Sorry for the racket," she said, stifling a yawn. A bit of toothpaste dripped onto his shirt as he mumbled a frothy 'good morning' to her, and she laughed. And as he stood there leaning against the doorframe, hair tousled from sleep and clad only in his tshirt and boxers, those words passed through her mind while he smiled sheepishly at her. The words. I love you. I fucking love you. She very nearly blurted them out, too, but she was so taken aback by how fiercely the emotion overcame her that all that came out of her was a weak laugh.
Remus thankfully mistook this laugh as a chuckle at his toothpaste misfortunes; he waved his hand over the stain, managing to vanish it but only dripping more onto his tshirt as he tried to get the incantation out around his mouthful of toothpaste. He rolled his eyes now and disappeared back into the bathroom, where she heard the water running in the sink as he rinsed.
I love him. I'm in love with Remus.
Of course she was. She wasn't quite sure why she was so surprised; now that she'd had the thought, the thought that she was incontrovertibly in love with Remus Lupin, she realized that she'd been in love with him for awhile now.
She thought back to the last full moon, almost exactly a month ago now. Remus did not like her being around him too close to his transformations; if she was around that day, she'd normally head back home sometime in the early afternoon in order to give him space. She would always return first thing the next morning to check in on him, coming before work if she had to, to bring him biscuits and tea. She worried about him - of course, she always worried about him - but knowing that Sirius was with him had always soothed her anxiety.
Yet something had felt different about her worry last full moon. It had felt sharper as it gnawed at her, more all-consuming. She'd woken up the morning of the full moon to the sound of vomit splattering against ceramic. Disoriented from sleep at first, she'd sat bolt upright in bed as she realized the sound that had woken her up was the sound of Remus retching in the bathroom. She'd gone and crouched beside him, brow crinkling with worry as he'd turned to her from his place on the floor kneeling before the toilet. His face had been pale and sweaty, and he'd recoiled slightly as she cautiously rubbed a hand on his back.
"Oh, Remus - are you alright?" She'd internally cringed; of course he wasn't. But he'd still managed to give her a weak smile before wincing and leaning over the toilet again.
"Sorry if I woke you up," he rasped. "I don't want you to see me like this. You can - you don't have to stay -"
"Please don't worry about that. Can I get you anything? Water, tea, biscuits, anything? What would help?"
"Nothing really helps," he admitted wearily. "But I...I suppose some peppermint tea might be nice. If you were already going to be making something for yourself. You really - if you have something else you need to be doing -"
She'd shushed him. "Peppermint tea it is," she'd replied. "I have an hour and a half until I have to leave for work, and I'm not going anywhere until then unless you really, truly want to be alone."
He'd given her a small, sad smile then, shaking his head almost imperceptibly, and so she'd gone to fetch him some tea. He was back in bed by the time she'd returned to his room, eyes blinking open slowly as she set his tea on the table beside the bed, and she pressed the back of her hand to his forehead as he stirred.
"You're feverish," she'd murmured. "Is it - is it always like this? Is this normal?"
"More or less," he'd said tiredly. "Some months worse than others. They've been better lately, but you're unfortunate enough to be witnessing one of the slightly worse ones now." He'd taken a small sip of tea then, smiling gratefully at her. "Thank you for this."
"Will you...will you be okay today? I can call out of work -"
"Absolutely not," he'd replied firmly. "I'll be fine, Tonks. Please don't worry about me. It's not pleasant, but this is...it's indeed normal. And Sirius will be around if I really need anything." He'd heaved a small sigh, glancing down at the mug of tea that he was clutching tightly with his long fingers. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this. It's...I know it's not -"
"Will you stop apologizing for being sick?" she'd said with an exasperated eye roll. "Merlin, Remus. Don't worry about me right now. I'm just...I wish I could help you feel better." She'd come around the other side of the bed then, slipping under the covers to curl up next to him. He'd flinched slightly as she tangled her legs with his, but then he'd relaxed against the pillows as she began stroking his hair.
"You already are, Tonks," he'd said sleepily. She'd continued to run her fingers through his hair till he was nearly asleep again; when it had been time to get up and head out for work, she'd been extremely reluctant to leave. This wasn't a foreign feeling, for as much as she enjoyed her job, leaving the warmth of bed and human contact early in the morning had always been difficult for her; but this reluctance had felt different. She'd hesitated by the door for several moments longer than she should have, glancing back at Remus as he'd continued to sleep, and noting how even in sleep, his face was drawn and pale and his brow was furrowed in pain. She supposed she should have known at this moment, when she first became aware of this burning longing to protect him from his pain and the stinging disappointment she felt at the knowledge that she couldn't successfully do so, not completely; she should have known that this was love.
But somehow, the realization only hit her now, rather like a freight train, as Remus brushed his teeth and they both went through the regular motions of a hurried morning spent together. He pulled on his trousers and opened his wardrobe, searching for what she knew now to be his favorite faded green jumper; he tossed an offer at her over his shoulder to make her coffee before she left, and she reluctantly declined as she knew that she'd already be late, and the longer she took to leave his small, warm bedroom in headquarters the harder it would be to do so. She was especially reluctant to leave him as the following night was another full moon.
She finally got out of bed, making a halfhearted attempt to pull the duvet up over the pillows since she knew Remus liked his bed to be made first thing, and knowing full well that he would simply remake the bed after she'd left. "I have a watch at the Malfoys' tonight," she said, looping her arms through her bra. "And then I have a double shift tomorrow. So I won't...I won't be able to see you again before tomorrow night, I'm sorry. I -"
"Nothing to be sorry for," he reassured her. "I'll be fine."
"I'll be here the morning after though, okay? Like I always am." She was in a hurry now, gathering her things from where she'd scattered them all about in his room - it was a wonder he still wanted to be involved with her, really, after seeing what she did to his tidy room whenever she was over - and she was trying to fight a rising wave of anxious nausea as she thought of his transformation the next night.
"You really don't have to worry about coming to see me, Tonks. If it's too much -"
"Stop that. It's not too much, and I want to," she said firmly. "It's for my own peace of mind as well, you know." She darted over to him to press a quick kiss to his lips; then, after a second thought, she tugged on his tshirt before he could pull away to kiss him again, slower and deeper this time. She could taste mint toothpaste on his tongue, and the way he momentarily clung to her as she kissed him reminded her why she stopped by the mornings after the full moon. He needed her. He had never said as much, but she could sense it. "I have to leave now, else I'll be late for work. I wish I didn't have to, though."
"Okay. It's okay. I'll see you then, Tonks." She brushed a hand over his cheek, pressing a quick kiss to his jaw - which was clenched, he was always tense this close to the moon - before slinging her bag over her shoulder.
She had her hand on the doorknob when she stopped and turned around to face him again, heart leaping in her chest. "Remus?"
"Yes?" he replied distractedly, still searching for his jumper. He looked up at her as she hesitated.
She opened her mouth, but the words wouldn't come. She wanted to say it - but she found she couldn't, not now. I love you. I'll be worried sick about you because I love you. Please be okay. You have to be okay because I love you. But everything that she really wanted to say felt as if it was stuck in her throat. She blinked as he smiled bemusedly at her, then swallowed around the lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat. "Be safe, yeah?"
His face softened. "I'll be fine. Promise. Bye, Dora. Have a good day at work."
She spent the next two days oscillating between the almost breathtaking elation that comes with first realizing you are in love, and gnawing impatience to see him again. She wasn't planning on telling him just yet; at first, she wanted to be sure of her feelings, but the more she thought about them, the surer she was. Her actual problem was simply how to tell him without scaring him off. Even though they'd been together for months now, sometimes she felt that she was still navigating the potentially delicate situation that was intimacy with Remus Lupin. And so she knew that such a declaration, an admission containing the big L word, needed to be handled with equal delicacy.
Of course, she ended up telling him completely by accident.
She came over the morning after the full moon. As she usually did, she fixed him tea and toast, and sat on the edge of the bed while he picked at the toast, relieved to see some color start to return to his cheeks as he asked her about her day at work. She knew his transformations were better now that he could take the wolfsbane potion, but that didn't stop her from her incessant worrying over the state of his health every time she walked into his room to see him asleep sprawled on top of the bed covers, under-eye shadows starkly contrasting with the pallor of his face.
He felt well enough to attend the Order meeting that night, and she stayed overnight with him again, though the two of them fell asleep almost immediately after coming upstairs to his room; he was still asleep when she left for work, and she slipped a scrap of parchment under his wand to tell him she'd be back after her shift that evening.
And so that evening, she found herself back in his bed. They made idle chit chat as he inquired about her day at work, and then he'd kissed her; softly and chastely at first, then more deeply, his tongue sweeping across her bottom lip as he gently laid her back against the pillows. He laid on his side next to her, and they continued to kiss unhurriedly for several minutes; his fingers traced light circles on her side, so light she could barely feel his fingers through her shirt.
The first few times she'd stayed with him a day or two after the full moon, she'd been surprised when he initiated anything further than snogging. It didn't always lead to full-on sex, but she'd noticed that he seemed eager to pleasure her, even when he himself was too tired for it to be reciprocated. She used to feel guilty about this until she realized that he really did enjoy it, and that perhaps he needed it; that this kind of intimacy helped him to feel more human again. As for her, she took any opportunity she could get to show him that not only did she want to be around him after his transformations, but that she still wanted him in that way; she wanted him to touch her, she wanted to touch him. Sometimes, if he felt up to it, she got him off with her hands or her mouth, but oftentimes he was content to do just that for her, with no reciprocation expected or needed.
He continued to kiss her now in his bed, his tongue exploring her mouth languidly while one of his hands cupped her cheek; his other hand moved from her side to slip under her tshirt, his palm skimming her abdomen. She moaned into his mouth as his thumb brushed against one of her nipples, and she arched into his touch as his fingers switched their attention to her other breast before moving lower again, his fingers tracing the waistband of her cotton shorts.
"Is this okay?"
"Fuck yes," she replied, nearly too eagerly, and she was rewarded with a laugh as he undid the tie on her shorts before she quickly shimmied them down her hips and kicked them off. He gently brushed his fingers over the damp center of her knickers, moving them quickly away as she tried to push against him.
"Tease," she said, letting her head fall back against the pillows as Remus gently kissed her neck; she felt him chuckle against her throat as she bucked her hips impatiently again.
"Don't worry, I'm rather short on willpower tonight myself." He hooked his fingers under the waistband of her knickers now, tugging them down until she kicked them away and they joined her shorts somewhere beyond the foot of the bed. "You're already so wet," he added breathlessly. Even now, after months of sleeping together, he always seemed shocked at how aroused she became from his touch.
"What can I say, you're a talented man." She sensed rather than saw his eyes roll, but she could feel him smiling as he continued to mouth at her neck.
"You flatter me." He shifted now, and she felt his erection press against her hip; she ran her hand down his side to palm him gently through his pyjama pants.
"Do you want me to...?" she murmured.
"Not yet," he replied. "Only you for now." His fingers were running teasingly up the inside of one thigh, before repeating the same motion down the other; Tonks let her legs fall open as he did so, and hiked her tshirt up to give him access to her breasts as his mouth continued to move lower down her neck, his tongue darting into the hollow between her collarbones.
She gasped as his tongue circled slowly around one nipple, his fingers still tracing patterns on her inner thighs but remaining frustratingly far from where she most wanted them. "What was that you were saying about not having any willpower tonight?" she managed, her arousal becoming a painful ache between her legs at this point.
"I might have lied. I have a little. Enough to ensure you get at least a little enjoyment out of this." His mouth had made its way over to her other breast now, lips closing over her nipple.
"Oh I'll enjoy this, that's not what you need to worry about; I might run out of patience, though." She ran her hands through her hair, holding his head where it was as his tongue continued to flick at her nipple.
"And then what'll happen?" His fingers were circling closer and closer to her center, but skimmed up to her hip at just the last second. She bucked her hips again with a huff of annoyance.
"Then I'll start bossing you around and I'll be the one in charge here."
"Maybe I'd like that," he teased, and she filed away a mental note for later about the way his voice sounded husky with pleasure as he said that. "But since you've been so patient..."
His fingers brushed gently over her clit now, and she bit back a gasp. He repeated the motion, and his fingers remained where she wanted them this time, gently rubbing circles over the tiny bundle of nerves.
"Fucking finally, thank you," she groaned. "That feels great, keep doing that." His mouth resumed its earlier ministrations at her breasts, and the combination of his gentle fingers between her thighs and his tongue circling her nipples soon had her squirming on the bed. "I want your fingers inside me, Remus, please -"
To her surprise, he complied immediately, pulling back to look down at her as he gently pushed one finger easily inside her. "Okay?"
"Definitely okay. More."
He pulled his finger out and slid two inside her now, and she saw his eyes darken with desire. "Fuck, you're so wet," he breathed.
"I think you greatly underestimate how much time I spend thinking about your hands and what they can do to - oh." She broke off as he began to slowly thrust his fingers in and out of her, his thumb continuing to brush over her clit as he did so. "Fuck, I love your hands. Keep doing that."
He chuckled. "This okay? Faster or slower?"
"A little - you can go faster -" she gasped. He complied, his other hand brushing her hair out of her face as he leaned down to kiss her, continuing to thrust his fingers in and out of her as his tongue slid against hers.
He pulled back slightly, his hand still tangled in her hair. "You're so beautiful," he said quietly as he looked down at her. Tonks felt a sudden flush of warm pleasure spread through her at the way he said this, at the way he was looking at her now while his fingers continued to move between her thighs.
"Fuck, Remus -" She spread her legs even wider, wedging one of them between his own; she could feel that his cock was still hard, and his hips jerked slightly as her bare leg pressed against his clothed erection. "You're so - that feels - oh."
He'd pressed his fingers deeper inside her, crooking them slightly to rub at just the right spot; the heel of his hand was now grinding against her clit, and she thrust her hips up, craving the friction this provided. "Fuck, that feels so good. Keep doing just that, keep your hand right there. Don't you dare stop, I fucking love your hands - fuck -" Her hips were thrusting jerkily now, and she knew this likely made his job harder, but the pressure of his palm against her clit and the feeling of his fingers inside her was sending a growing warmth straight to her core. "Don't stop, I'm close - don't stop, Remus -"
He was looking at her intently as his hand moved between her thighs, his other hand still tangled in her pink locks. His fingers tightened slightly in her hair now as he leaned down, mouthing gently at her ear. "Look at me when you come," he commanded quietly.
She felt a jolt of pleasure as he said this, and it was enough to push her over the edge; she moaned loudly as he pulled back again, and she looked him in the eyes just as she felt herself begin to clench around his fingers, gasping his name. The look of awed desire mixed with tenderness on his face as he looked down at her only served to intensify the sensations she was feeling, and she came harder than she could remember coming in a long time. His hand continued to gently work her through her orgasm, and then he finally pulled his fingers out of her before it became too much. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling her heart pound in her chest as she leaned back against the pillows.
"You say the hottest fucking things sometimes, and I don't think you even realize it," she finally said breathlessly. He chuckled, brushing her hair out of her face again to press a kiss to her forehead.
"How was that?"
"Bloody amazing," she said lazily, eyes still closed. "I don't remember the last time I came so hard. I s'pose it's true what they say about sex being better when you're in love-" She suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth, her eyes flying open. It had just slipped out; she hadn't meant to say it, not now, not while she was half naked and he'd just made her come and there was any chance at all that he'd think she wasn't sincere. The last thing she wanted was for him to think that it was just something she'd said in the heat of the moment. She looked up at Remus, whose eyes had widened in surprise; his hand froze where it had been stroking her hair.
He didn't say anything for a long moment. Tonks felt as if her heart had stopped. "Do you mean that?" he finally asked quietly.
"I do," she replied, voice shaking slightly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like this, but I do mean it." She took a deep breath. "I love you, Remus." He was still quiet, though one of his hands had resumed tracing circles on her hip. "I don't...you don't need to say anything now. If it's too soon, or if you don't - like I said, I absolutely mean it, but if you aren't ready, there's absolutely no pressure to - I don't want you to feel like you have to -"
"I love you too," he said now, almost too quiet for her to hear. She stopped her nervous babble, finally meeting his eyes. He was smiling at her, almost shyly. "Of course I love you too. I - I just...wouldn't have thought you'd..."
She felt her breath leave her in a whooshed sigh of relief. "Don't be ridiculous. Wouldn't have thought I'd feel the same way, is that what you were going to say? That's daft; what's there about you not to love?" His eyebrows shot up, and she glared at him, pressing a warning finger to his lips as he started to open his mouth. "That was rhetorical so don't you dare answer that question, you git, I won't hear it. Because I love you. And now I'm going to keep saying that like a sap until you're positively sick of it and you change your mind."
"I don't think I could ever be sick of it," Remus replied, smiling at her.
"Don't test me, I'm excellent at pushing people's limits," Tonks warned teasingly, reaching up to tangle her hand in his hair. "Now kiss me again. Show me how you love me."
Remus complied, bending his head down to press his lips to hers. She sighed into his mouth as he deepened the kiss, continuing to run her hands through his hair and stroking the back of his neck like she knew he liked. She gently hooked her leg around his waist, pushing her hips against his when she felt that he was hard again. She felt a spark of arousal ignite in her belly yet again as he continued to kiss her. "Speaking of limits," she murmured, "let me know if you need to stop. I know that yesterday was -"
"Don't worry, I'm fine," he responded, his hand slipping over her waist to gently cup her ass, squeezing her even closer to him. "I think I could actually...that is, if you would want..." She kissed her way down his throat, and from the way she felt him swallow, she didn't need to look at his face to know that he was blushing.
"If it's sex you're referring to, yes, I would want," she murmured, her teeth grazing across his Adam's apple. "But we don't have to if you're not up for it. Do you want me to suck your cock?"
"No, I...I want to be inside you."
"Mmm. Well, I like the sound of that. We can have sex on our sides, if that would be easier."
"No, I want to look at you."
She drew back so that she could meet his gaze, and she was suddenly struck by the intensity with which he was looking at her. She swallowed, sitting up slightly to pull her tshirt off. "I can be on top, then. I'll take it easy on you. No promises for next time, though," she added as he grinned at her. "I'm shagging you sideways next time you're up for it, yeah?"
"You know that's an offer I can't turn down," he replied, smiling as he lifted his hips so she could tug his pyjama pants down off his legs. "Perhaps I can even return...perhaps I can even return the favor," he finished with slight difficulty, the teasing look on his face suddenly disappearing and his eyes fluttering closed as she ran a hand over his erection.
She swung her leg over him to straddle him now, tugging on the hem of his tshirt. "I'm holding you to that. Now take this off." He sat up slightly to comply, tossing his shirt over the side of the bed as he leaned back into the pillows. His hands came up to grip her hips as she positioned herself over him. She moaned as she slowly lowered herself onto his erection, then began to roll her hips unhurriedly.
"Fuck, you feel good," she breathed. He groaned, his hands gently running up her sides until he was cupping her breasts, his thumbs brushing across her nipples. She bit her lip, closing her eyes as she continued to set a rhythm with her hips, sliding up and down on his cock as his thumbs continued to circle her nipples. "Oh, fuck. Is this - is this okay for you -?"
"Keep doing what you're doing, Dora," he assured her, his voice rough. He squeezed her breasts gently, then his hands moved back to her hips, his fingers tightening against the skin there. "Kiss me."
Tonks leaned forward until her chest was pressed against his, meeting his mouth for a passionate, open-mouthed kiss, his hands pressing against her back as their tongues met. She moaned into his mouth as the new angle provided friction for her clit and she continued to grind her hips against his. She dropped her head to his shoulder, her teeth scraping against his collarbone as she pressed messy kisses to the skin there. "I think I can come again," she gasped.
"Come again for me, Dora. You're so beautiful when you come," he urged hoarsely.
She moaned again at his words. "I love fucking you. I fucking love your cock. I love you," she panted, her hips' movements becoming jerkier now. The way he was looking at her, his face flushed; the feeling of his body beneath hers, of his lean torso beneath her hands, and the sensation of his cock thrusting inside her were bringing her close to the brink of another orgasm; she was almost surprised at how intense it all felt. She'd had plenty of casual sex, plenty of intimate sex, both with Remus and with others before him, but never before had she craved such closeness with someone as she did now with him. "Fuck, I love you," she managed again, the ache between her thighs nearing its peak as she continued to ride him. "Remus, fuck -"
"I love you," he replied roughly. His hands were squeezing her hips almost painfully now, helping her along in her movements. "I'm close, Dora - "
"Come with me, Remus, I'm about to come, yeah?" She reached down to circle her clit with her fingers now, the movement of her hips frantic. His hands came up to cup her breasts again, brushing and pinching her nipples, and then she moaned loudly as she came a second time, her back arching as she felt herself clench around him.
Remus groaned, his hips jerking upwards now; she felt his thighs against her ass as he pressed his heels into the bed in an attempt to thrust even deeper inside her. He came as she started to come down in the aftershocks of her own orgasm, gasping her name as she leaned forward to whisper breathless encouragement in his ear.
She pressed a gentle kiss to his lips as he softened inside her before she carefully rolled off him. After a few moments of recovering his breath, Remus rolled over, brushing his lips against her temple and slipping his fingers between her thighs; he muttered a quick spell to clean her up, as he always did. It had taken her by surprise the first time he did it, as she'd found that a lot of men generally didn't care about the mess they'd made after the fact, but it was always something she'd found oddly sweet about Remus.
"So d'you agree?"
"Do I agree with what?" Remus replied, tugging the duvet up so that it was covering them both.
"That sex is better when you're in love. What do you think?"
Remus hummed thoughtfully. "Well, to be honest, I always really...I've always really enjoyed sex with you."
"Is that your way of telling me you've been in love with me for ages now?" she teased. He blushed, but he gave her a soft smile.
"I suppose maybe it is," he replied. She beamed at him, happiness bubbling up in her stomach again as she settled against his side.
"Good, because I reckon I've loved you for ages now, too."
As they lay in bed together, idly chatting and moving drowsily closer to sleep, Tonks thought that if someone had told her six months prior that her favorite place in the entire world would soon be a 35 year old werewolf ex-professor's bed, she'd have told them they were bonkers. But now, Tonks was sure that this was her favorite place to be. There might be a war raging on outside, and she knew that their continued relationship wouldn't be easy, that they would face insecurities and prejudice and other hardships; but none of that existed here, where the two of them could be together, where they could just be, and that was enough for her.
AN A teensy bit more plot in this one, though still not much. I hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading!