a/n: hi ODAAT fandom! Here with another sad one-shot. This is about Alex finding Elena's goodbye letters and her telling Penelope about her suicidal thoughts, so please don't read if it's going to bring you into an unhealthy mindset or trigger any suicidal ideation. The beginning starts with third POV of both Alex and Elena and then in the second half shifts to just Elena. I started this back in July and recently finished it and decided to post it. I wrote this when I was feeling pretty down, so some of the things Elena talks about reflected how I felt for a while. I hope this brings comfort to people who feel/felt the same way. You aren't alone and you deserve help and happiness. I know this year has been really hard, but I want you to know that getting help and feeling better is worth it. May 2021 bring you peace and healing.
"Elena, were you...are you...what's this?" Elena looked up, surprised by the hesitancy and uncertainty in her little brother's voice. He never sounded like this. They were sitting in the living room, doing h.w, while the TV was on for some background noise. She has just sent him into her room to find her math notebook to help explain his geometry homework to him. At first, she'd thought she sounded scared of something he may have found. Like a tampon or something. But there was a fragility in his tone that made her worry. She was scrambling her brain, thinking of anything that could make Alex react this way.
"Are you going to...hurt yourself?" Alex finally asks, watching the color drain from his sister's face. He couldn't say the word kill. He wouldn't say the word. There was no way he is going to let his sister do this, or feel this way. He didn't mean to find the goodbye letters, let alone read them. She told him to grab the blue notebook in her book bag, so he did. He flipped through to make sure it was the right one. He saw everyone's name on a separate piece of paper, Mami, Abuelita, Alex, Papi, Scheider, and Syd. He was curious and wanted to read his, thinking that maybe she wrote letters for everyone to read when she goes away to college. He skimmed through it and all he could see was sorry, can't do it anymore, I love you, please don't be upset. His heart raced, panic took over his brain. His first thought was to tell his mom. But it was just him and Elena home. So, he decided to confront her. He wanted nothing more than to make sure this wasn't real. He wanted to believe he imagined all of it, some sort of strange, math homework induced hallucination.
Elena eyes the notebook dangling from Alex's hand. Tears gathered in her eyes as her heart felt it was going to beat out of her chest. Her breathing got heavy as she felt what was another anxiety attack come on. But it didn't. She was in a state of shock. She completely forgot about her goodbye letters being in her backpack. If she had remembered, she would've gotten the notebook herself. She saw the distraught in Alex's face, guilt and shame consumed her. She felt like she already burdened her little brother enough with her anxiety attacks and all the other problems she puts on him to help get her through. She never wanted him to find out she sometimes thinks she's better off dead. She felt as if she failed him as a big sister. He has been nothing but a comfort all this years. Knowing she is causing him so much pain crushed her. Elena knew nothing she could say could possibly put him at ease. So, she decided honesty was her best option. "Those are my goodbye letters. But that's just in case. It's not my first option. just a backup plan."
"Just in case?!" He yelled in disbelief.
"Alex.." Elena quietly pleaded. He waited for something to come after that. Anything to let him know she no longer felt this way. Once he received silence he continued. "You need to tell mom."
"No! She already has enough to deal with!" Elena protested.
"Oh, and you being dead is going to help her?" He watched his sister flinch at his words. A part of him felt guilty for going to that extreme, but he was terrified. He went to go sit next her and put the notebook on the table. "What's going on, Elena?" he asked softly, worried his anger will make his sister shut him out. "You can tell me anything." He patiently waited for her to gather her thoughts, though he wanted nothing more than for her to magically feel better and not feel the way she does.
"I just don't want to be a burden to everyone. It would be better if I wasn't alive." Elena confessed. Alex noticed she had wiped away her tears and her voice was no longer shaky. It was hard, cold. As if what she said was a straight up fact. "Me going to college is a huge financial burden on the family, Papi would be more than happy with just you, Syd wouldn't have to worry about long-distance and live their best life at college, and..."
Alex looked up, noticing her eyes were watery again. "Everything hurts," the shakiness returned to her tone. "Look at the state of the world. I can't take constantly worrying about things. What if nothing ever gets better? What if I get hurt by someone homophobic or racist? I can't take it. This way, I know what's going to happen. It would make everything easier." Alex felt his heart shatter at his sister's words.
Elena couldn't believe she let out her deepest, darkest fear to her little brother. Seeing the look in his eyes pained her deeply. All she saw was hurt. She never wanted to hurt him. She just wanted to make his life easier.
"Nothing about you ending your life makes anything easier," Alex said. "Everyone would be devastated, you know that, right? I may never understand the fear of being an out gay woman of color, but I can try my best to help you get through them. You can't let the bad people of the world win. If you end it, you'll just prove them right, that people like you don't deserve to live. But that's not true. You deserve a wonderful life just as fulfilling and happy as everyone else." Elena was a bit taken back by his point, though she did understand where he was coming from. Her just staying alive proves that a gay woman of color can thrive in this harsh world dead set on tearing her down. Guilt for making Alex be the strong one again ate at her.
"I am so sorry you found this notebook, Alex." Her tears now running down her cheeks, regardless of how many attempts to wipe them. "You deserve a better big sister."
Alex moved closer to Elena, and held her hands. "You are the best big sister and you're never a burden. Would you tell mom she's a burden because of her anxiety and depression?" Elena shook her head, no. "So what makes you so different?"
Elena found herself astonished by her little brother's words of wisdom yet again. He was really growing up right in front of her eyes. She hugged him tightly to her. "Good brother."
"You need to tell mom, ok? We already lost abuelito, we nearly lost abuelita, we almost lost dad. No way in hell I'm losing you." Elena's heart broke from the reminder of their past pain.
"You're not, ok. I'll fight this." She promised. "I love you."
Realization about what she was actually thinking about doing hit her. How could she leave her brother to deal with everything on his own?
"Love you more." Alex said as he wiped his own tears. "You need to tell mom, so she can get you the help you need."
"I will." Elena said. "Tomorrow."
"Mami, are you up?" Elena asks, standing close to her mom's bedroom door at 3 am. She asked it quietly enough so there was a possibility her mom couldn't hear her. That way she could tell Alex she at least tried like she promised she would. Her mom seemed to be up though, she heard the sound of a TV show coming from her phone. She didn't realize her mom had the same habit of late night show bingeing on the weekend like she did. She kind of wished her mom was sleeping, so they didn't have to have this conversation.
Penelope paused her show and rolled over to other side to face her daughter. "Yes, I'm up," She looks at the time on her phone. "3 am, damn," she muttered to herself. "Why are you? What's wrong?"
The questions had Elena's heart beat loudly in her ears and froze her into place. She was really hoping her mom wasn't going to up. Penelope sat up and went to put on her room light, guide Elena gently to her bed, and close the door.
Elena stayed stiff, not putting herself under the blanket or getting comfortable. While she knew what she was going to say, she wasn't expecting to say it so soon. But she made a promise to Alex, she intended on keeping it. Before the words could come, she felt her throat tighten and eyes water.
"Elena," She heard the concern in her mom's voice, and felt her hand on her shoulder, to jolt her from her internal battle. "You're scaring me. What's wrong?"
Elena tried again to say something, but she couldn't do it. Her mom was just catching up on her shows, she can't just come in here and pour out the dark thoughts that had been swirling around her mind.
"Did you have another anxiety attack? Are you in pain? Are you hurt? Did you and Syd get into a fight or break up? Are you not feeling well?" Elena felt a tear escape as her mom listed possible scenarios. "Come on, baby," her mom begged. "help me out please."
Elena took off her tear stained glasses, attempted to clean them, and put them back on. She scrambled her brain for the best way to start.
"You remember how you said we should tell you whenever we are feeling.." she hesitated to find the best word. "bad?" She didn't want to scare her mom and out right say suicidal. She wasn't quiet ready to say the word herself.
"Bad like sad? Bad like mad? Feel bad about a decision you made? Something you did?" Penelope asks.
Elena couldn't do this, she got up, and went towards the door. "You know what, its fine. Never mind. Sorry to bother you."
Her mom grabbed her arm softly and brought her back to the bed. "It's not fine. It's 3 am and you're crying." Penelope moved a piece of Elena's hair and tucked it behind her ear and wiped the tears off her face. "You can tell me, I am not going to judge you or get mad. I got you, baby."
Elena took a deep breath. "Remember when you and Papi were married and both home from the army. There was the one night, when I was in middle school, he woke me and Alex up to say goodbye and we were really confused. And when I asked you about it the next day, you said sometimes when people are really sad and can't think properly, they think leaving is better than staying?"
Penelope nodded. Elena can tell her mom was confused. She decided to get to the point. "Well I feel that way. I feel like you, Alex, Abuelita, and Syd would be way better off without me. I feel like..." She tried not to look a her mom's facial reaction, she knew it was the only thing that would get her through is not seeing the pain on her face. "I'd be better off dead." she managed to get out and made sure to stay looking at the blanket when she did.
Elena felt her shakiness return and she hugged a pillow to her. "I don't want to feel this way, I want to change the world and watch Alex grow up." she continued, hoping adding this would comfort her mom. "But some days it overwhelms me and the thought of living through another day is unbearable."
Elena looked up at her mom's face and saw all the pain in her eyes and guilt washed over her again. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you, I didn't mean to put you through this. I never want you to think me feeling this way means you failed me. You're the best mom ever. I can't change how I feel though, no matter what I do. I had no intention of anyone knowing I felt this way. But then Alex found my goodbye letters-
"Alex? Goodbye letters?" Her mom interrupted, in shock.
Elena just nodded.
"Elena, baby, I'm going to need you to be honest with me, okay? No matter what. Please do not try to spare my feelings."
She nodded again as her mom held her hands. She felt anxious for whatever was going to come next. "Do you have any immediate plans to do this? Writing letters sounds pretty serious. Were you going to do it tonight? Is that why you told me?"
Once she realized her mom's line of questions were done, she answered. "I have no immediate plans, there are just in case I give up. I wasn't going to do it tonight, I promise," she added, seeing the doubt in her mom's eyes. "Alex found the goodbye letters and I told him I would tell you."
"When was this?"
"Yesterday."
Penelope sighed and wiped a tear Elena didn't know fell. "Oh, my baby," Her mom hugged her. "I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and were going through it alone." Elena broke down at the softness in her tone. This wasn't the reaction she was expecting. She was so scared her mom would be upset or blame herself in a way. She never wanted her mom to feel as if anything she did caused this.
"Feeling like that," her mom continued. "Is terrifying and makes you not trust yourself. It's overwhelming, and I know how hard it is to be open about the dark and heavy stuff. So thank you for opening up to me."
Penelope let go and held Elena's face in her hands. "You are so strong and brave. I love you so much"
Elena had no choice but to look in her mom's eyes and felt every word she said. Penelope let go and went back to holding her hands.
"I need you to promise me you'll come to me, just like this, if you ever feeling this way again, even in the slightest, understand?"
Elena speechlessly nodded.
"Are you okay to answer more questions for me?"
"Yes," Elena answered, feeling as if she was quiet for a long time.
"How long have you felt like this?"
She was caught off guard by the question, she couldn't really pinpoint a time. "I'm not sure to be honest. Not super long."
"What was your plan? What were you going to do?"
"I'm don't have any specific plans. But I knew it wasn't going to be at home. I didn't want any of you guys finding me."
"Can you tell me what your triggers are? What makes you feel this way?"
Elena knew her mom was approaching this in a medical/clinical way as opposed to an emotional way. While Elena appreciated it, it confused her. She knew her mom to be occasionally over the top, in the most loving way.
"You're being so calm," Elena couldn't help but share her observation. "You aren't mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad?"
"I just thought you'd tell me I'm overreacting and I need to be more grateful for my life." She answered honestly.
Penelope chuckled then sighed, she looked off into the distance, no longer looking Elena in her eyes. "Listen, baby, I'm a bit more understanding because I've been there."
It took a while for Elena to take that in, leaving them in silence for a while. "You've...you've been there?" Elena stuttered in shock.
"It was back when I was dating Max, for the first time." she added with a small smile. "I didn't want him to know about me being on anti-depressants. So, against my better judgment, I stopped taking them out of the blue. Which you aren't suppose to do. Especially not without telling your doctor. It led me into a really bad dark spiral. I used this technique I learned in group therapy, where I record myself and listen back to gain perspective. It really helped. I learned that I needed the medication to make sure I don't go into that bad place again."
Elena wanted to question it more, but knew from the looks in her mom's eyes to leave it alone. "Thank you for telling me." Elena managed to get out. Stuck thinking about what her life would be like without her mother. She couldn't bare to even imagine it. "It must've been so scary to hear yourself say those things."
"It was. It made me realize what I was thinking of doing was going to affect you and your brother. I could never do that to you." Elena found it interesting how their anchor to staying alive was the reaction of their loved ones.
"I felt the same way about Alex," Elena admitted. "Before I was thinking I me being dead would make everyone's life easier. But I saw the pain it put Alex through, reading those letters. That's when I knew I had to tell you."
Her mom kissed the top of her head. "I'm so happy you found a reason to stay and that you told me. That takes a lot of courage."
"Thank you," Elena said as she shifted into a more comfortable position on the bed. "I'm sorry if I brought up back bad memories."
"Elena, you don't need to apologize. I'd rather you be honest and we have these types of conversations than having you think you're better off dead."
She felt the intensity of her mom's words. "I can't believe it's so easy for my brain to convince me that's the best option." She admitted in a quieter tone.
"Well baby, maybe you need to talk to someone professionally and work these feelings out. There is no shame in that. At all."
Elena nodded. "Maybe I should," she leaned her head on her mom's shoulder and snuggled into her. "Thank you for being so understanding and honest with me. I've been anxious since I decided I was going to tell you."
"Thank you for telling me. I know this isn't easy. I just want you to know I love you, no matter what." Penelope shifted, so she can look Elena in her eyes. "You deserve a long and happy life. I never want you to feel like you don't. But I also know I can't protect you from these feelings. Only help you through them. I love you so much, baby girl. You are so brilliant and bright. You're going to make so much positive change in the future. I can't wait to see it." Penelope continued. "You just have to stick around long enough."
"I love you more," Elena said. Admittedly, she did feel better letting all these dark feelings out as opposed to letting them stir inside of her for days end.
"I love you most." Penelope promised, back to hugging Elena to her.
They stayed like that for a while, until Elena yawned and decided to just sleep there. Knowing her mom would feel better having her by her side after that confession. Elena didn't even mind, not having the energy to go back to her room. She knew that after sharing all the things she was always to scared to say out loud there was a possibility she could sleep peacefully. Her bad thoughts couldn't overwhelm her since they were already out there. She wouldn't have to spend hours twisting and turning like she normally does. Even if she did, she had her mom right here to help calm her down. Ready to wrap her in a hug and tell her everything will be okay.
She knew tomorrow brought more challenges she has to work through, but now she knows she has people to tell whenever she is feeling down. She laid in bed feeling hopeful for the day to come instead of dread. Elena fell asleep peacefully for the first time in a while. Knowing the first thing she was going to do tomorrow was rip up her goodbye letters.
a/n: Well, I hope you enjoyed! So originally I was just going to post this with just being a conversation between Alex and Elena. But I decided I wanted to write about Penelope sharing that she felt the same way. This was way longer than I expected, but I'm pretty proud of it. Just wanted to give a special shoutout to AndreaCherrypie for being so incredibly encouraging and supportive. Thank you so much, I would've never posted this without you. I hope if anyone felt like Elena, you know that you deserve to heal and to be happy. Please don't be afraid to reach out. I know how tiring being alive is, and I'm so proud of you for fighting every single day.
Hope everyone has a lovely New Year!