I can't pull the trigger. I want to, but I can't.

And I don't want to. My mind is yearning for it but abhors it. My heart craves it but shatters at the idea. My blood boils from my anger but it also spills out of me, burning my skin and the world turns cold and dark. Though it has always been like that anyway.

You had been a glimpse in that darkness. A shimmer of something more to have, of something to finally want. Of being free. It was not supposed to be, because I had wanted too much. No, because I had wanted at all. That is not my place.

I am a soldier, a puppet, a chess piece, a whore. Nothing more, nothing else. I have no right to want or need.

Not even to want to pull the trigger. Not even to want to kill you.

And the little warmth and light you have given me for a mere second of my life now drowns every last bit of strength I have left. I let go of the trigger. I let go of the gun. I let go of the world. You can have it all. It never was for me anyway. I never belonged here anyway.

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

I need somebody to heal
Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold

It's easy to say
But it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

White room, cold world, artificial air, my heartbeat a machine's sound. I don't feel. I am not sure I am alive. But then again, I probably never was.

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

They step into the cold room. Dressed in white first, dressed in blue and black later. They ask questions, but I have no answers. They untie me from the machines to tie me in chains. They drag me from the room into another.

Dark chamber, aggressive light, cold world. Angry voices, rude words, raw hands. They talk guns and bullets and ballistics. Fingerprints and blood traces. They talk of the man who was my father and of the other who should have been. They talk of Yan who had held my hand long ago whenever I had been hurt. Who then hurt me until I played into his hands. Who then handed me over so I would get hurt.

A vast court room, empty and dusty. Cold faces staring at me. Cold world. A hammer coming down like Damocles' sword.

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you

I need somebody to know
Somebody to heal
Somebody to have
Just to know how it feels

It's easy to say but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

They cut my hair and it slips through my fingers just like my life. It spreads on the floor just like my blood did.

The door closes. Grey cell, cold world. It could be you on the other side behind the uncaring steel, sneaking away now. Do you even know I still exist? Do you even know I did at some point in your life? Do you know that I still am? Do you remember me at all?

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all

You were the one tiny needle of brightness piercing through the darkness and desolation of my world. But that was just tricks of the light and I am just a low number in your deck of cards.

I wanted too much, just because for once I wanted anything at all. Just because for once I dared to want. To dream.

You made me. Then you tossed me away.

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I had so little and now it's lost. Because I trusted for once. I wanted to believe for once it anything. Anybody. You.

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around

But you're gone. And I'm still here. But will I be tomorrow? Or later today?

Cold life, cold world. Cold me.

For now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

But now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved