Chapter 26: Crossroad

The steady beep of her heart monitor had become a constant sound in the back of her mind that Kira was able to ignore for the most part now. She understood the need for it, but every once in a while she found herself wishing someone would shut it off or mute the damn thing.

It was a constant reminder of where she was.

Still, she ignored it the best she could.

She was flipping through a book mechanically, not reading it at all, thoughts once again recalling the past days of explanation, problems, outcomes, and solutions. They're all muddled together in her head, only slightly clearer now than they had been three days before during the hestical, devastated fit she'd had. No one blamed her for losing her cool; in fact people seemed to have been expecting worse. Kira wasn't sure how she could have been much worse. She'd never cursed so much in her life, never opening cried in front of so many people, never felt so much anger. Her leg had been gone and she'd been inconsolable. A mild sedative had been the end of that tantrum, and Kira had still been able to feel the gentle buzzing of it, hours after it had worn off. It hadn't knocked her out, just relaxed her, slowing her mind down enough to realize what she'd been doing and be horrified.

It was a normal reaction.

That's what Lady Tsunade had said as Sakura had sat on the edge of her bed beside her and carefully taken her hand to comfort her, seeing as no one from her village had been around at the time. It had been rather early and she couldn't blame her friends for wanting to get some sleep or having duties to see to. Visiting hours were a thing after all.

The explanation of what happened was what Kira thought about most now. A day long run where her ANBU team had to be carried by leaf ninja and their own Kazekage. Apparently she'd woken up at one point, but Kira couldn't remember it, hardly remembered anything after Gaara had arrived on the battlefield and the pain had stopped. Most of Tsunade's medical explanation after that was too technical and too painful to understand completely; still the important words stuck to her brain like glue. Fever. Infection. Hallucinations. These words were followed by ones like 'irreversible damage', 'amputation' and, 'flat lining', words that made Kira shudder if she lingered too long on them.

To think she'd almost died on a medical table during a procedure that had been nearly five hours long. She wasn't sure she would have made it if Sakura and Lady Tsunade hadn't been there. Kira owed them her life and she was grateful, even if things were hard to swallow. After they'd been done talking to her the former Hokage had left the room and Sakura had hugged Kira as she cried, softer that time. Kira hadn't really known the girl very well, hadn't spoken with her much outside of being a patient, but that didn't seem to matter at the time. She'd still been there for Kira, and the shadow user had been grateful, even if bitterness ate at her mind.

In the end, words and what could have happened didn't matter, only the end result, which stared back at her every time she looked down the length of the bed. Her leg was gone from the knee on. The kneecap shattered, the bones burnt, and nerves fried and damaged, all of it removed in order to save the rest of her leg from the growing infection that had turned the edges of the wound an eerie green. Gone. Kira peeked over the top of her book to look at the missing limb and grimaced, laying heavily back into the elevated upper half of the bed. She let the book slip from her fingers and flop onto the bed in a rumpled mess, probably creasing pages into weird angles.

Kira can't find it in her to care, not about a damn book.

"Is your leg bother you?" Temari's voice was a reminder that she wasn't alone and she looked to her friend who sat perched on a chair to her left. The eyes she met are softer than the norm for the blond and worried making the blue color unusually warm. Temari had been a constant since the blond had found out she'd woken up. Kira wondered if she felt guilty for not being there, but they never spoke about it and really, she was glad for someone like Temari at her side. The elder girl doesn't ask if she's alright, doesn't try to cheer her up with promises she has no control over, instead she asked the real questions, ones that are easy enough to answer.

"It hurts a little, but it's not bad." Her lie sounds false even to her own ears, but Temari doesn't press the subject. Kira is grateful for that, she doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to think about the what she feels and knows aren't real. It's a frustration that's nearly constant due to pain killers that dull her mind. She swears when she moves one leg she's moving both and she can feel the sheets scrape against the top of her missing foot, but when she looks she'd reminded: it's not there. She wished her mind would tell that to her body. Wished she'd stop feeling the pain of a wound that's no longer there.

She'd asked Sakura about the sensations that morning and the medical ninja had smiled sadly. She'd called it phantom limb syndrome. Apparently that was normal too and would fade with time. Kira was starting to hate what was 'normal' in hospitals.

The pink haired girl had come to her that morning to talk to her about the long road to recovery ahead of her. Physical therapy had started two days before but would soon become more rigorous. There was a prosthetic was in the works; a temporary one for her to get use to until a better suited one can be made. Whether its made for combat or normal day to day function would be up to her and how well she adapted to a leg made of metal and not bone.

The idea of it not being for combat haunted her. Kira hasn't known any life other than that of a ninja as it had been her only choice growing up. It's what she had trained for all her life, what she finds purpose in. Only seventeen - almost eighteen she realised - years old and already life has taken more from her than feels right. She wanted to talk about it, but not with Temari and not with Tenten or Aya who visit often. She doesn't want to talk to Sakura about it and hear more about how 'normal' the response is. She didn't know who she wanted to talk to about it. Maybe Lee, if only because he would understand.

"Do you want anything?" Temari asked after a moment, getting up from her chair. "I need to find some food but I'll be back; should I bring something?" She's asking because Temari knows how much Kira hates the hospital food; everything lacks flavor. The eldest is letting that mothering edge of her personality show through and it's endearing. Kira isn't very hungry though, the IV in her arm saw to that, but she'd been told it was important to eat solid food anyway.

"Maybe some tea," she relented, if only to make Temari worry a bit less. Something warm might be nice. The blond nodded her head, the look on her face worried but thoughtful.

"Black or green?"

"Black."

"Alright. I'll be bac-" Temari's farewell was cut off as a knock on the door sounded, followed by it opening a moment later.

It was the first time she'd seen him since waking and while Kira had wondered on his absence she'd known he more than likely had other problems to deal with. Gaara looked tired - more so than normal - dressed in his normal gear minus the gourd and sporting a bandage on the left side of his jaw. Temari paused and smiled at her younger brother as he let the door swing shut behind him.

"Gaara, I was beginning to wonder where you were," she offered, walking up to him. He nodded his head slightly, eyes sliding from his sister to Kira and a shock ran down her spine and into her chest. What a sight she must have been to him, his bodyguard laid up in bed again with wires and tubes sticking out of her. Then her leg… Kira looked away, staring off to the other side of the room, embarrassed and ashamed to have him see her like this. The heart monitor seemed too loud in the span of quiet that couldn't have been more than a few seconds but seemed longer.

"I was delayed. As you know, prior matters kept me away," Gaara replied finally and Kira glanced back at the siblings once she felt his eyes off her. Something the back of her mind pointed out that it was a bit of a stretch that whatever it was had kept him busy for four days. She pushed that thought away quickly. "We started interrogating the two female shinobi that we captured." That was… odd. Gaara didn't normally get involved with interrogations. Maybe the fact that the attack had been on him personally? No, that happened enough that it wasn't that out of place. Kira wandered what was up, but Temari beat her to asking another question.

"Have they revealed anything?" she questioned and it was plain to see that the blond wasn't surprised by Gaara's involvement, which only puzzled Kira further. The young ruler shook his head.

"They have some sort of seal around their minds that's preventing them from talking about it. With the resources the Leaf has, I'm sure that will change with time," he answered evenly. "Were you going somewhere?"

Temari nodded her head.

"Just to get some food, I'll be back in a bit," she informed him and Kira had to bite her tongue to stop herself from telling Temari she didn't have to come back. Surely the blond had other things to do besides sit in the room with her. Gaara hardly needed to know his sister was wasting her time, but she knew that the elder girl would wave her off. It was her choice after all. "You have good timing, this way she won't be left alone." She made it sound like Kira would do something if she was. She wasn't that upset… not anymore.

"Very well," Gaara murmured and watched as his sister left the room without another word, the click of the door shutting starting another long pause in conversation as Kira looked away once his attention was back on her. She shouldn't do that, she'd worked so hard to not do that, but she found herself relying on old habits again with how vulnerable she felt. Over the sound of medical equipment, she heard the soft steps of the sand user coming over to her and taking his sister's chair by the bed. Worrying her bottom lip with her teeth she glanced at him and tried to offer a smile. It failed miserably.

Truthful she didn't know what to say to him; there were too many things to say to him. It made her chest hurt thinking about how badly things had turned out in the last few days. How she'd gone from telling him the truth to ending up in the hospital. So many things to say and no way to say them. Finally, she lets out a small sigh and closes her eyes.

"Sorry," she murmured, realising he was probably uncomfortable with the entire thing just like her. He doesn't answer at first and when she opens her eyes look at him again he has a calculating look to his face. She caught his eyes for only a moment before he shook his head.

"Sakura told me you're recovering well," he said, changing the subject completely. "After what happened, I'm relieved to hear it." He was being so proper, nearly formal. Kira felt herself frowning at him, brows pulling together slightly. Was he really that uneasy about being alone with her? "How are you… dealing with everything?"

How are you dealing with not having one of your legs? An unspoken question she knew he wanted to ask, but didn't know how to without being rude. This time, she shook her head, he wasn't the first to ask and she doubted he would be the last.

"As well asy one could be I guess," she murmured, eyes flitting to the missing limb. "I kept expecting it to see it there. It doesn't feel gone. I was told that's normal." Because the nerve endings are still raw. It's normal. She hates that word.

"I've heard much the same," Gaara said softly and Kira kept expecting something, a hand on her's or on her shoulder. Something he always did when she was upset. Nothing came though and his arms remained crossed loosely over his chest. "It will subside with time."

Time.

Kira hated that word too, as if time could fix everything. More often than not she found time simply made one feel distant from an event, not healed. How could time fix a missing limb? It was gone. The heart monitor responded to her anxiety, the tempo picking up slightly and she bit at her lower lip again.

Stop thinking about it.

She took a slow breath in through her nose, trying to calm herself before it got out off hand. She'd freaked out in front of enough people already, she hardly wanted to do to in front of Gaara. Especially with the mood he appeared to be in.

"How have you been?" she asked to distract herself, looking back at him again. The redhead surveyed her silently for a moment before shifting in his seat slightly, resting his back more firmly against the chair.

"My injuries were superficial for the most part. I'm fine." He appeared to be telling the truth. Besides the small dressing on the side of his face he looked fine and he hadn't been limping. Her fingers twitched to reach out and touch the bandage, to inquire on it, but he kept speaking. "Your team took most of the damage as I'm sure you know."

She did.

Kira wasn't the only know who'd been hospital bound after the attack. Aya had nearly drained all of her chakra and had suffered a wound to the head. She was up and around now, stitches hidden under her blond hair and remains of stress around her eyes all but gone. Shura, her leader, was another story. The tree he'd been under had broken both of his fibula and left severe tissue damage to the upper legs and torso. He'd been lucky nothing else had broken, but the doctors were keeping him sedated until he healed more.

"Yeah..." She trailed off, lifting her hand that nearly ached at its previous urge. "Looks like you did get hit pretty good though," she said lightly, reaching out to touch the bandage, to touch him hoping that the contact would make her feel less like she was made out of glass like everyone was acting. To her surprise the redhead flinched away from her touch. Flinched. Kira drew her hand back instantly giving him a confused, worried look. He'd never moved away from her before like that. That was her thing, or it had been. "Does it hurt?"

"No," he said quickly, his eyes stormy with emotions she couldn't quite read right. Something like regret or pain but not quiet. "Don't worry about me."

Right.

Too late.

They lapsed back into silence, the heart monitor much like a clock in its' never ending sharp beeps, the green line jumping in a jagged mountain range across the screen. Something wasn't right. It was like there was a distance between them, one that felt like miles after being so close before. Kira had a feeling she knew why too and she knew avoiding it wouldn't get them anywhere. So even as a small part of her screamed at her to keep her mouth shut as it cowered in her mind she forced her mouth open. Forced the words out if only to get it over with as she stared forward, hand gripping at the sheets on her bed.

"Gaara we… About what I said before we were attacked… we should talk." Oh, it was awkward. So much so it was nearly painful. Normally people didn't have to talk about why they confessed to loving someone. Then again they weren't normal. "I wasn't… It was true, is true."

Silence.

It wasn't really that she hadn't thought it wouldn't be tense, but the air almost felt suffocating in her small room. Quiet suddenly she wished she hadn't said anything, that she had listened to that small cowering voice.

"I can't," Gaara said suddenly, even voiced but not soft, oddly cutting, just like the words. It was enough to get her to look up at him again and she was met with a hard expression. Not angry, but something else. Flat. Tight. Guarded.

"Can't what?" she whispered, surprised she got the words out. He held her gaze in those stormy sea colored eyes, the corners of his mouth tilted down.

"I can't say what you want me to," he stated, shifting his gaze away from her. "It wouldn't be fair."

Kira stared at him, shock freezing her in much the way finding her leg gone had right because she'd gone off the deep end. Wouldn't be fair? Her hands clenched harder in the fabric of the sheet. He was right. It wasn't fair to him. She had just basically shoved her feelings at him. She'd always known there was a possibility he wouldn't feel the same way. Now he just didn't want to hurt her more than she already was. She should have known better. Should have thought it through more before telling him. Too late. The damage was done and Kira…

"I'm tired," she whispered suddenly, drawing her eyes from him. It wasn't a lie, Kira was tired, the drugs to help with the pain made spells of drowsiness common. Whether he believed her or not, Gaara doesn't push her or argue, not that she thought he would. He was probably grateful.

"Alright," he said softly, standing back up again. "Try to get some rest Kira." It was a fair-well that didn't feel right, but all the same she gave a single nod of her head, not willing to look at him as he made his way back towards the door. She didn't even realise she was holding her breath until it clicked shut behind the redhead and she exhaled, her lungs aching. Even with new air she felt like she was choking, felt like her small room was getting smaller by the moment. Her heart monitor responded with more jagged mountain ranges, the steepness sharper than before. Looking up Kira tried to distract herself by counting the same 57 slats of wood that made up the ceiling she'd counted five times already. It didn't work and her eyes stung as they betrayed her, lips twitching in feeble denial.

She was a horrible ninja, she thought, as tears skated down her cheeks and she pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle a sob. Maybe it was a good thing she more than likely could no longer be one if simply being rejected by the boy she loved brought her to such a state. Reacting like this at the loss of her leg had been understood, had been normal, but this? Stupid. How was this somehow worse than her leg? How could she have ever been a ninja like this?

If not a ninja than what though? Kira didn't have an answer because a ninja was all she'd ever been and wanted to be in life.

Staring at the place where her leg should have been Kira felt whatever had been keeping her together crumble. It was just like the house she'd lived in with her mother: everything had turned to ash in moments and Kira had nothing left intact to cling to.

She doubted that time would fix that either.

…

The Leaf did interrogation different than how the Sand did. Baki had a tendency to be violent in his methods and Shura used his Third Eye jutsu to simply read through a person, using silver tongued words and genjustes and manipulate answered from them. The Leaf appeared to use the Yamanaka clan's Mind Transfer jutsu and a series of devices that caused stress on the body.

Gaara eyed the large dome one of the rogue ninja was encased in up to her chin, hair and face drenched in sweat. It was some kind of pressure chamber kept hot and damp. Ino stood in front of her, hand on the stark still ninja, both of their eyes closed. Every once in a while she'd twitch an eyebrow or lip, muttering under her breath. So far things hadn't been going well. Both women were either well trained or something was stopping them from answering questions. Hopefully Ino would figure out which.

Kakashi flipped through a page in the book he was reading as he stood next to Gaara. The silver haired man had walked in with Ino and hadn't left, though Gaara suspected he was just dodging the mountain of paperwork more than likely waiting for him. The redhead couldn't blame him. In truth Gaara was avoiding things too; neither of them really needed to be there for this but neither of them was willing to point that out. He was sure the current Hokage knew well enough what was going on given Gaara's clipped answers when it had come to them speaking about Kira.

He didn't want to think about her. When he did he found his chest twisting so hard it hurt to breath. Guilt and pain seemed to have carved a hole out in it. It was for the best, he kept telling himself. How could he possibly...

No.

Best not to wander down that train of thought.

Ino made a small noise in front of him and Gaara let his attention sway to her once more as she blinked, frustration clear on her face.

"They have seals on their minds, that's for sure," she informed them, letting her hand fall to her side and turning to the two leaders. "It's almost like they need some kind of trigger to unlock it and I can't find out what that is. I can't get through it. Maybe if my father were here..." she trailed off, pain flickering through blue eyes for a moment before she shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be so hard on yourself Ino," Kakashi responded, a small smile under his mask appearing through the dark fabric. "You've improved immensely and I have no doubt you've done as much at Inoichi could have done. We'll simply have to keep trying."

Gaara simply nodded his head when her eyes flickered to his briefly. She was a Leaf Ninja, he doubt she wanted much of his attention.

"Perhaps it's time we took a short rest. We've been been here quite a while," Gaara offered.

"True enough," Kakashi agreed nodding slightly. "Our only lead probably needs a rest too given the length in which she'd been in there. Won't be much good if she suffers permanent damage." He nodded to two ninja near the door and they set to work on undoing the doom. "I'll let you know when we continue, Lord Kazekage."

A dismissal if he'd ever heard one. Kakashi probably wished to speak with the blond without him present. It was fair enough. They may have been allies, even friends, but all nations had their secrets. Another nod and Gaara left the room and then the building a few moments later. He was greeted with the bright light of afternoon when the doors opened, his eyes blinking rapidly to recover. It really was a lot later then he'd intended to stay but again he'd had reasons.

Not good ones, but they were reasons.

Now that he was out he wasn't sure what to do. Options were limited and even fewer seemed pleasant. It had only been a day since he'd last spoken with Kira and he knew things hadn't gone well. His sister was almost always with her as it was and that left few people to speak with that he felt he could. There was always Naruto, but last he'd heard the blond was out training, still getting use to the new arm he had.

New arm…

Gaara had spoken briefly with Lady Tsunade after leaving Kira the day before. She'd wanted to give him a straight answer about her options. He'd been surprised when she'd brought up the Hashirama cells, the same method that had given Naruto back his arm, but it had been with a different answer than he had hoped. Kira wasn't compatible with the cells. It shouldn't have surprised him; very few actually were despite the Hero of the War being so. Still, it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Gaara," a clipped female voice broke his thoughts instantly and he was left slightly confused as he turned to his left. He hadn't moved much but it appeared people had been waiting for him. Two people. Tenten and Rock Lee stood side by side, the former's arms crossed and her face twisted into a serious, almost angry expression. The later looked concerned and a bit nervous, his eyes flickering between the girl beside him and Gaara himself.

It wasn't often Lee looked nervous. What had he heard about scorned women again?

"What are you two doing here?" he asked, keeping his arms crossed naturally across his chest. From their expressions it couldn't be good but he couldn't think of what they could have to talk… unless… "Is everything alright with Kira?"

It was the only thing he could think of. Beside his sister and Aya, the two in front of them seemed to be the ones who were around his bodyguard the most, if the visitor sign in meant anything. It seemed he'd hit the mark by the way Tenten frowned at him, but it also appeared he'd somehow done it wrong as the weapon user's hands balled.

"Are you seriously asking us that?" she snapped and Lee nearly flinched. Gaara's brows raised, surprised that she'd speak to him like this. He was, after all, a Kage. "How do you think she's doing Gaara? Did you expect everything to be okay after what you said yesterday?" she said it so abruptly all the redhead could do was blink, surprised. "Kira didn't tell me what happened, if that's what you think. She too loyal to do that… but ever since yesterday, after I saw you leave her room..." She trailed off, her eyes looking down as she shook her head and Lee rest a hand on her shoulder. "She was crying but she wouldn't say why. She hasn't been… She said she didn't care anymore, if she could keep being a ninja or not."

...What?

Something in his brain felt wrong at that statement, fuzzy and hollow. It was like hearing a lie yet Gaara new Tenten had no reason to lie. Kira didn't care? As in she'd given up? That wasn't…

He didn't know what to do with that information. The fact that she'd been in tears made that feeling in his chest show up again, guilt and pain swarming in. He'd thought she'd seemed upset when he left but he'd never thought what he'd said would do that.

"Gaara," Lee spoke up finally, getting his attention. For once the green jumpsuit wearing ninja seemed to have shed all of his glee, a certain seriousness in his face and in his tone. "Will you tell us what happened? We are simply worried and it appears you are as well. Maybe we can solve this."

The sand user looked away from his gaze for a moment. There were few who made him feel compelled to talk about his problems. Naruto, his sister, and Kira were most of them. He realised in that moment, Lee was one too. There was something comforting about the fighter despite their past interactions. Then again, maybe it was because of the past that he felt he could speak with him.

So he told them. He started with before the battle days ago and ended with him leaving the room the day before. He didn't express much, just said what had happened, relayed the words and by the end of it, the hand on Tenten's shoulder appeared to be holding her back rather than being there for comfort. He couldn't seem to decide whether she was angry or just upset but Gaara found him wanted to take a step back from her gaze. He felt rather disarmed in the face of angry friends, even more so when that anger was clearly pointed at him.

"Why would you say that?" she asked confusion lacing her voice. "You know, Kira talked about you all the time in our letters back and forth. She painted quite the picture. Even if she hadn't told me, it was easy to tell how she felt about you. And don't even try to tell me you don't feel the same way," her sudden snap stopped Gaara from protesting, his words falling silent in his mouth. Tenten's shoulders were nearly shaking as she shook her head. "I know what I saw when we were heading here and I know what you said. Or are to going to tell me you aren't the sandstorm in that analogy?" She took in a deep, almost pained breath of air and Lee whispered her name as if to get her to stop but she ignored him. Instead she stared the redhead down with glossy, wet eyes filled with fire. "She's your miracle, right?"

If Gaara hadn't been surprised before, he was now. He didn't know Tenten very well, but he'd always known she had to be something special, had to be a good person, if Kira had formed a bond with her so fast after only knowing the girl a few days. He didn't know how to respond to what she'd said other than what came to mind instantly. He didn't have to think about, he just knew.

"She is." It surprised him how strong his own voice was with those two words, emotion bleeding into them like tea leaves in water. He had thought it would sound frail - tired or hopeless to admit it out loud. A lot of people saw such things as weakness, but as he said it, he felt none of that. Just the steel strong truth of it. He'd only known Kira personally for a little over a year but she'd know him most of their lives. She'd been his shadow, quite literally, and had seen everything he'd done yet she'd never held it against him. She'd seen past that, seen something worth protecting enough to cause a scene in his office all those months ago.

It had changed the course of both their lives and Gaara was better because of it.

She made him a better person.

She made him stronger.

She was his miracle in the sandstorm that had always been his life.

"Then...why say that to her?" Tenten asked quietly and it seemed as if some of her anger had diffused into sadness edged with regret, as if just now realising how out of bounds she was. Not that it seemed to stop her from finishing. He knew he could turn her away, tell her to leave because she was out of line but he'd never seen his friends that way. He'd never turned them away or had them speak to him like a leader. He'd never wanted that and while it did little for his ego he couldn't fault her for her actions.

Gaara just let out a small sigh, knowing he couldn't just leave the answer untold. He'd been avoiding it too much as it was.

"She lost her leg because of me," he admitted finally. "Everything that's ever happened to her is my fault or can be traced back to me." He couldn't seem to stop himself from saying those words. They were true, even when he hadn't know who she was, her life had been turned upside down because of him. His father had used her as a tool, let Korin down right torture her all for him. Even being a ninja, her entire career had been based around him. He'd never really thought about it till he'd been faced with the fact that he'd ordered her to that fight and it had cost her a leg. He wanted to blame the rogue ninjas but it wasn't just their doing. It was his too.

His face twisted into a frustrated frown, hands twitching where they were. Why couldn't they simply understand the truth of the matter?

"She would be safer kept at a distance from me."

Glancing at his friends he saw Tenten had lost all of her anger, her face contorted in shock and confusion, a lingering sadness in her eyes. Lee seemed settled about something, as if he'd made a choice and Gaara didn't have long to wait to see what that was as Lee looked to the girl beside him.

"Let me talk to him," he said quietly, squeezing her shoulder with the hand that had yet to leave it. She looked to him, eyes locked there for a long moment before she closed them and gave a small nod. Lee gave her a fond smile. "I'll come get you for dinner later." With that he dropped his hand and ushered her back the way they must have come. Tenten paused only briefly to look back at them, her eyes meeting Gaara's as for the briefest of moments, a silent apology, and then she was gone, turning the corner around the building.

They waited another five minutes before the Taijutsu user waved a beckoning hand.

"Let's take a walk, Gai sensei always says it helps lift the spirit." It was odd to hear such words without that chipper voice of his, but the redhead still silently agreed and followed him away from the building that served mostly as a jail.

They took a path that seemed to follow the flow of the river that snaked the outer edge of the village, the colors of the sky reflected in the even flow of it casting warmth upon the surface. Gaara could distantly hear birds singing off in the woods beyond. It was oddly calming, just as Lee had said, though Gaara had never imagined it would be with the boy he'd nearly killed twice less than five years ago. This wasn't how he had thought the day would go but he found the act somehow fitting, even if it was brought about by Rock Lee.

It had to be one of the strangest things Gaara had ever done.

"You know, I have always admired you a bit," Lee said off hand, surprising the redhead as he grinned at him suddenly, though never stopped walking. "You are my age but you're a Kage, I always wondered how you handled it all but you seemed to do just fine. You are a good leader Gaara, you make the hard choices some would not be able to." He looked at the redhead evenly then, it was so strange to hear such words for him. So often he'd thought of Lee as too energetic and single minded to ever have such insight into people's lives. He'd misjudged him yet again it seemed. "I think that is what you did during that ambush too."

Gaara halted in his steps, frowning at the boy. "You're wrong." Gaara made mistakes all the time, it just never seemed to matter. Before Naruto it had been the opposite. Nothing but fear and hate and negative words. He'd done everything he could to change that and it had worked, perhaps a bit too well. People only seemed to see what he did right. Maybe that was why he kept the elders around, because they regularly did point out the things he did wrong. Lee shook his head, disagreeing.

"I have spoken with Aya a few times since she was up and around." He bent down and scooped up a good sized rock from the ground where it had lay half in the grass half on the road. He clenched his hand around it for a moment, thinking. "From what she has said about that fight, if Kira had not shown up, neither Shura or her would still be alive. It was a four to two battle and they had been caught off guard. It is very possible Kira saved their lives." He looked to Gaara as he tossed the rock in the air and caught it absently. "I think you knew that was a possibility and did what you thought was best. You made a hard decision, and it was the right one in my book."

Maybe he was right, it was what he'd told Kira when she'd protested. Gaara had only seconds to make a choice back then and he'd known he would be okay in a one on one battle. He hadn't wanted to send Kira away but he'd had it think about the others on her team. It had been a hard choice. It didn't make him feel much better.

"That doesn't change the outcome," he pointed out, and Lee nodded rolling the rock in his hand. It frustrated Gaara. "If you knew that why say it at all?"

"Because neither Tenten or I can just sit back and watch this happen. I think you are making the wrong choice," he stated, frowning, eyes on the rock in his hand. "During the war we lost Neji, and then we almost lost Gai Sensei. There are a lot of things I wish I could have told Neji, things we both wanted to say, but I know he never regretted his actions for one moment because he was smiling in the end." Neji had saved two of his friends by sacrificing himself, Gaara had heard, but he hadn't known much else. It brought new light to the act. "I do not know Kira as well as you do but..." Lee's hand tightened around the rock, and his eyebrow shifted down, determined. "But I do not think she would regret it either. Even if she had known, I think she would have chosen to save her team at the cost of her leg anyday."

He was right. Gaara didn't even need to think about that question. Her ANBU team was almost like family to Kira. Aya was one of her few close friends and Shura had acted like a father figure to both girls who had none. How badly would it had hurt her to find out they were both dead? He concluded in seconds it would have been far worse than losing a limb. She'd been devastated when she'd lost her mother and her home, and ever since the war her sleep had been haunted. He didn't think she could lose much else without breaking.

Suddenly Tenten's words came back to him like he'd been hit square in the gut. She'd been crying. She didn't care anymore. Had his words unintentionally done what he'd feared might happen? It appeared him trying to keep her from getting more hurt had come back around and done so anyway. His fault again but maybe something he could fix. If she even spoke to him.

"Even if I did tell her… what my feelings are," he relented finally. "It wouldn't change the fact that if she stays with me, she might suffer more than she has." It wasn't worth the risk. Gaara would rather be alone, watching her at arms length then watch anything else bad happen to her because of him. Enough happened to her because she was his guard, he could only assume it would be even worse if they were more than that.

"I think, maybe, you are missing an important fact," Lee offered and Gaara raised a pale brow at that. Lee lifted his shoulders in a small shrug. "It is just, according to Tenten, Kira loves you and that makes everything you just said out of your hands." He raised a thick brow at the redhead's clear confusion. "When I was told that the surgery to fix my arm and leg might kill me, a lot of people told me not to do it. That I would be better off just retiring from being a ninja. That was their idea on the matter, but the final decision was mine because it was my life. It's the same for Kira: it's her life, her feelings. That makes it her choice Gaara, whether she wants to take the risk."

Her choice.

As a leader Gaara had been expected to make choices for a lot of people. He'd assigned missions, finalized laws and agreements, and decided whether or not countless ninja were fit for active duty. That was his job as Kazekage. But this choice, this had nothing to do with him being a leader; it didn't even have anything to with Kira being a ninja. It was about Gaara and Kira as two separate people and their feelings for each other. He wanted to keep her safe, protect her even if it made him unhappy, but it wasn't his place to make that decision for her, not in this matter.

"I don't wish to see her in pain," he argued and Lee nodded his head.

"I understand that. But Gaara, if she really does love you, dont you think she'd be just as miserable apart from you, just as you are now? I would think that if you had each other, at least you could have good things to help outweigh the bad."

The redhead considered those words, letting them sink in. He found himself recalling events that had been just that. He remember the day he'd found out Naruto's teacher was dead and he'd been distraught about it. Then Kira had show up and somehow she'd made him feel better and turned that day into something better. There were many events like that; things that maybe should have been seen as bad memories, trying memories, that had ended up not being that at all.

Was that what Lee was talking about?

It had to be, and Gaara realised with startling clarity that he didn't want that to change. If he pushed Kira away, he didn't think that they could go back to how things had been. She wouldn't be the same, and neither would he and it wouldn't be in a good way. He found himself mentally flinching away from the idea.

He hadn't meant to hurt her, he'd meant the opposite, but now he realised the way he was going not hurting her wasn't a possible outcome. He wondered how it must have felt when he'd moved away from her touch and then he'd refused to give in to comforting her. He'd thought it for the best but now… now he felt like a fool. Looking back at his friend, he realised something else.

"That sounds like a personal experience."

Lee rubbed his neck with a free hand, looking off to the side, a smile still broad on his face. "You could say that," he admitted, but instead of explaining left it at that. This wasn't about his relationship, this was about Gaara's. If he had one still.

"She's upset with me." There was no question behind that; Kira had every right to be. Lee laughed slightly.

"Yeah but, I think she'll forgive you, seeing as how much she cares about you."

"How are you so sure?"

"Umm, well...You tried to kill me, twice," he pointed out suddenly, and Gaara found himself flinching as he looked at the green suited ninja. Lee was grinning again, that determined look about his eyes that he seemed to wear so naturally. "Not indirectly, not because you sent me somewhere, but because you wanted to at the time. I have forgiven you for that, so do you not think she can forgive you too? She has been willing to stand up to everything you have been through so far, so why would this be what changes her mind? I think the power of that bond you have with her, might be the only thing more powerful than Gai sensei's power of youth."

Despite his reference to a philosophy Gaara still didn't really understand, he did understand what Lee meant. He watched as Lee caught the rock again and was oddly reminded of that day under the training area with the boys and the paper bomb. Kira had saved their lives at the cost of hurting her shoulder worse. It was the same day she told him everything and he'd learned he'd had someone at his back for far many more years then he'd thought. Thinking back, they'd spent a lot of time together in the past year.

Kira wasn't one to throw away all that time, all those memories. Not if she really meant what she said, and he knew she did.

"I have never been very good at this, at being open about such things," he murmured off hand, a weak argument that he knew would get him nowhere. It was almost a lie, given how he spoke with Kira. Lee shrugged his shoulders and threw the rock suddenly. It skipped across the water four times with startling speed before crashing into a large stone halfway across and impaling itself there. Dust rose up from the two rocks briefly as he spoke.

"Like I said, you can only make up your choice on this. She has to decide for herself what she wants, what she's willing to risk. I would think that if given the chance, you would both be stronger together, strong enough to face anything."

Even a missing leg and a mysterious enemy force. Even a room full of elders that would disapprove and both of their own emotional weaknesses. Gaara let out a long breath and looked out over the river. Once more Lee was right and he was wrong - had been wrong from the start. Now he just needed to fix what he'd started and hold true to what he'd told Kira before the mission had started.

"It appears there's somewhere I need to be."

Lee grinned and gave him a thumbs up.

"I thought so."

Now all together everyone: Face palm.

Writing Gaara understanding feelings is a monster of a project. Sorry it took so long.

Please review!

DROH