Ruby was stirring in the early morning, pouring herself a glass of scotch to kick back for another day of movies and her family's constant bickering. She was in a pair of pink sweat pants, covered in hearts, and a small, white tank top. She made her way to the fridge when Neptune appeared in the kitchen, in a tight pair of black shorts, sandals, and a white shirt with the sides torn almost completely off. He immediately halted in his tracks with a surprised look on his face. "What?" Ruby asked.
"Nothing, sweety, I'm just not used to seeing you up this early in the morning."
"What, are you trying to get rid of me or something?"
"Why would I want to get rid of you, stop being so suspicious of my yoga instructor."
"I didn't say anything about her."
Neptune was caught, he knew it, he had to think fast to make himself not look like the bad guy. "At least I'm productive in my day, all you do is sit around, get drunk, and stare miserably at the clouds, or God only knows what else."
"Oh, yeah, I really screwed you over, huh? Pulled you out of a freezing hellhole, got you a mansion in Vineyard Hills, hell, the only thing you've put in was a load of bastard cum in your tennis instructor or your yoga girl."
"Screw you, Ruby!"
"Oh, you haven't and you won't, you cheating bastard!"
"I was faithful to you until I found that weird German guy in you!"
Ruby only laughed at his allegations as Neptune continued, "You are nothing but a murdering, cheating hypocrite! Thank you, Ruby, for making me take your last name and ruining my serenity yet again! My yoga is fucked!"
"Oh, is that what they're calling it now?! You and your fucking yoga!"
"Did someone say yoga?" a voice called out.
A woman in very short blue shorts and a training bra-like pink shirt, a black beret covering her brown hair, a long strip off the side dyed orange. "Oh, hello, Coco, darling."
The two clasped their hands together, as if praying, and bowed to one another. Coco turned to Ruby and said, "Ah, you must be the Ruby I've heard so much about."
She gave Ruby the same bow but Ruby replied with, "Go fuck yourself," before heading back to the fridge.
"Ruby..."
"Ruby, my darling, you have to work on your anger...and your choice of clothing, it's horrible, doll."
"The fuck did you say to me?" Ruby said, slamming the door of the refrigerator shut and glaring at Coco across the table.
Penny cautiously made her way down into the war zone, looking at the ground and rubbing her arm uncomfortably, "Mom...Dad...there's a new DLC for my game coming..."
"Oh, so you want fucking money, too? Here's my advice, Penny, marry someone who has potential and leech off them, like you're shithead of a father! Until then, go outside and have a fucking social life!"
Penny appeared to shrink as her arm-rubbing intensified, Neptune interjecting, "You're all ruining my fucking yoga!"
"Did someone say yoga?" a familiar voice asked, preceding a blonde woman entering the kitchen.
The room fell silent, forgetting its recent quarrel, the two sisters now staring each other down. "Yang?" Ruby asked in disbelief, instinctively pulling Penny behind her.
"Ruby." Yang replied in a gravely, deadpan voice.
"Hey...it's good to see you, sis."
"Hm...yeah, I bet it is. Course, I'm not the one who's been...resurrected."
Ruby and the silent audience continued to stare at Yang, who continued to intently stare at Ruby until she threw her hands up in the air, saying, "Ain't this grand!"
"Yeah, well, I got myself in a bit of an awkward situation."
"Yeah, you're telling me, sis," Yang hissed, slowly moving closer to Ruby, "Yeah, just one of those faking your own death, taking all the dough, and buying a big mansion awkward situations."
"That's one way of looking at it."
"Well, you got any other ways of looking at it? Cause I'm all out."
"That was a long time ago, I'm in witness protection. I still am."
"That's great...that's great," Yang whispered, her tone quickly uplifting as she continued, "I'm sorry...where are my manners, right? Neptune, it is good to see you. I missed you. You used to be skinnier, nice fashionable whore, by the way. You...who the hell are you?"
"I'm Penny, they're...daughter."
"By adoption, because having an awkward, slow child around makes the rich family shtick that much more believable, genius! But, I can't blame you for being a complete, spineless pussy. And you...who the hell are you?"
"I'm...I'm Coco."
Yang took a long, deep, dissatisfied sigh before uttering, "Good lord...well, the gang's all here, right?"
"No, my daughter Nora is...is...where the fuck is she?"
Neptune shrugged his shoulders, he'd assumed she was still in bed. "Great parenting, might I add."
"I know where she is." Penny chimed in, trying to conceal a smile and the joy in her voice.
"Where is your sister, Penny?" Ruby asked.
"She kept saying how she wanted to join a fight show, so I told her about a tryout down at the Vale Dome for female martial arts."
"You what?! You know she can't do that, she fights way to dirty, she'll end up in jail!"
"I didn't really send her to to that," Penny clarified, giggling as she said, "I sent her to tryouts for Thinly Valed, the tryouts get aired on national television."
"You did what?! DEAR GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU EVIL, MANIPULATIVE GENIUS!?" Yang roared, shoving Ruby aside and nearly squeezing the life from Penny.
"The fuck are you two babbling about?" Ruby asked.
"Are you blind or just devoid of any sexual deviancy? Thinly Valed is a strip club on TV, whip cream, bikinis, whips, chains, leather, lube, you name it, they service it for perverts all over this shitty kingdom."
"WHAT?! Penny!"
"Sorry." she replied, unable to contain her grin.
"A niece I never knew getting humiliated, let's go get her!" Yang insisted.
"We?"
"Yeah, we, now are you gonna stand here and argue while your daughter becomes a national laughing stock? You're worse than I thought. Come on, let's go!" Yang demanded, rushing out of the house.
Ruby reluctantly tagged behind, finding Yang in the passenger seat of her car, fiddling with the radio. With a deep breath, she approached the vehicle and got in with her sister, turning down the blaring heavy metal and cruising onto the strip, weaving through traffic and stoplights as she spoke, "You know, I can handle this myself. We can catch up in a few hours, grab a beer, get reacquainted properly."
"I'm good, sis."
"She's my daughter, I can handle it."
"Really? Well, based on you right now and what your family looks like right now, fuck only knows how in control you are."
"Hey, fuck you."
"Yep, you're a model wife and wonderful parent, I can already tell."
"And what hellhole have you been living in? You think you're so above me you can waltz into my home and tell me how to run my life?"
"For your information, I've been in the desert for years, running my own skyrocketing company, Yang Xiao Long Industries. We deal in guns, crystal...and that's it!"
"Well, nice to meet you Miss CEO, you can go now."
"No, I'm not letting my sight off you, you fucking slippery snake! I know you, you'll just turn around and go home if I leave, we're saving your kid. I'm not letting you abandon her like you did me and Velvet."
"Yeah...Velvet..."
"Yeah, poor bitch must've woken up in a penitentiary hospital ward when she came to. She still writes me, you know."
"Really? So, how's life going?"
"Great. If you get past crippling heartache, horrific nightmares, and soul-crushing guilt, yeah, I guess so."
"So...the desert, how's that?"
"Great, got lakefront property, it may not have tennis courts, or golf courses, or all the plastic sluts pumping through the veins of this city, but...you know...it'll do."
"Look, we can sort out our issues later, can we just focus on this, please?" Ruby asked, pulling up into the dome's parking lot and whipping into a spot.
"Well, hurry up, you slow fuck!" Yang demanded, charging into the building.
Ruby rolled her eyes and followed behind, her sister barreling through a crying contestant in the doorway before the duo surveyed the foyer. "Ah, that host, man, he's like any closeted fucking TV presenter, bitter as fucking vinegar." Yang said.
"Well, where the fuck are they?"
A man with a black ponytail approached them with a clipboard, asking, "Hello, may I have your names and type of fantasy you bring?"
"We're sisters, asshole. Now tell us where Nora Vasilias is...Nora Rose...fuck it, where's Dragon Bitch!?" Yang shouted.
"Oh, he's that way," the man said, pointing to an adjacent hallway with people lined up outside the one door, "This is great, we haven't had an incest pair since our Amish pair got sent to prison over it! I just need you to fill out these forms..."
"Fill this, fucker!" Yang roared, ripping the pen out of the man's hand and jamming it through his eye.
The man crashed back, grasping the pen lodged in his eye socket and screaming, another stomp from Yang silencing him. "Jesus fuck!" Ruby exclaimed.
"Maybe in prison, but for now, let's go find your daughter."
The sisters ran for the door, shoving their way through unhappy contestants and forcing their way inside, walking past a man with a gerbil in hand before freezing at the sight before them. The white host stood before the show's logo background, his gnarled, blonde dreadlocks pulled back in a ponytail as a twirled a jockey's whip before him. The man wore a black and red corset that connected to his black fishnets by a black garter, wobbling on a pair of red stilettos. His face was punctured by piercing on his lip, nose, and all up and down his earlobes, the host speaking in a faux ghetto accent, "Yo, boys and girls, how's it hanging, and is it wet? This is your boy, Dragon Bitch, welcome to another special on Thinly Valed, where everyone has a perverted desire, and those who don't are weak! Up next, we've got Vale's own Nora Rose. Nora like to fight," the man spoke at the camera, pulling an uncomfortable Nora to his side, "So, she would like to show us how she fights today, when she takes on a horse we shotgunned 10 packets of Viagra to! If she gets knocked down, well the horse has the way with his loser!"
Nora struggled to break free of his grasp, covering herself with her massive boxing gloves, her orange, latex suit barely covering her. "Not today, you fucking creep!" Ruby shouted, stepping up to the man.
"Who the hell are you, bitch? Get back or else the horse is loose on all yo asses!"
"Shut the fuck up, you fucking pedophile!" Ruby shouted once more, shoving the man to the floor.
Dragon's could no longer control his "tough guy" voice, calling out in a high-pitched shrill, "Security, get this crazy cunt away from me!"
"What the fuck did you just say?!"
A bald black man grabbed Ruby by the shoulders, holding her back as Dragon made a dash for the door. Her captor soon went limp after a metal chair cracked against his skull, Yang tossing the weapon aside as she shouted, "Let's go get that fucker! Get back here you little shit!"
"The trio ran once more through the crowd of people, getting into the parking lot just as Dragon started his red Dilettante, Yang calling out, "They take your daughter's sense of security, we take their truck!"
The trio ran for a running semi with the Thinly Valed's crude trailer of various sex toys and body parts all along the side, hopping into their seats as Ruby floored it to chase Dragon, the chase hitting the streets. "How could you let her do this?!" Yang asked Ruby, infuriated.
"Me?! I didn't even know she was doing this! But, rest assured, we're making sure that fucker gets what he deserves."
The semi chugged on down the road, keeping up with the eco-friendly car through sharp turns, red lights, and oncoming traffic, until they went sailing off a set of train tracks to the cement of the man-made Vineyard River. The fall didn't sit well with the battery-powered car, smoke puffing from underneath its hood until it slowed to a stop, the three women hopping out of the truck and charging the car, a pleading man getting on his knees outside it, pleading, "Hey, hey, guys..."
"You run out of battery power, huh? Poor guy." Yang comforted.
"Look, I didn't mean anything by it, alright?"
"Really? You were going to let an underage girl be raped by a fucking horse? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"
"Look, I-I-I just want to make deep statements about sexuality and people's deepest, darkest secrets, but the truth is...I don't even know my own! I'm 24 and I'm dating a 13 year old! I fantasize about rape, incest, and bestiality constantly, and I've got tons of lawsuits over the shit I air, among issues like you trying to kill me. Plus, my message sucks, I mean for the first few episodes it was there, but it got more polluted with fetish shit once I was given full control. I'm the only fucked up one, I'm alone in my shitty crusade, I'm a fucking fruity pedophile, and I've pleasured farm animals, but please don't kill me!" the hysterical man sobbed.
"Jesus fucking Christ, you're pathetic, you know that? Do you at least have any redeeming talents?"
"No, I don't, have you seen my show? It's not well-written, the plot and grammar are terrible, and it's pure perverted garbage, but I love it! Please, I've got penis enlargement surgery tomorrow, just give me a shot man!"
"Well, we've got this guy now, Yang, what do we do?" Ruby asked.
"Well, for starters..." Nora said, flinging her glove aside and uppercutting the man square in the crotch.
Dragon collapsed to the ground, vomiting on the hot cement as Yang kicked him in the mouth, his teeth shattering on impact as blood drained out his whimpering mouth. "Alright, now you're gonna do me a favor, pretty boy." Yang said, hunkering down by Dragon and producing a banana.
"Where the hell have you been keeping that?" Ruby inquired.
"Not important. Now stand the fuck up, drop you panties, and stick this up your ass, then you're gonna do a dance."
"I can do this, I used to do something like this with my uncle and brother, but please, just don't kill me."
"You're a pathetic sack of shit!" Yang roared, punching Dragon straight in his barely existent balls again.
With a harsh yelp and whimpering cries, the man got to his feet, slowly dropping his pants and briefs to the laughter of the three girls, Yang filming with her phone and quipping, "Goddamn, Dragon, you're hung like a Tic Tac!"
Dragon covered himself as he struggled to shove the banana up his rectum, finally doing so with half the banana sticking out. "Good, now turn around and drop it like it's hot for momma."
"I did a lot of things for momma, don't kill me." he murmured, turning around and flinging his waist around madly.
"Oh, you'll have to do better than that, get lower!"
Dragon complied to her demands, getting lower to the ground until his movement was restricted to wild shaking. Finally, the host fell back, shoving the rest of the banana entirely up his ass. "You are a fucking low-life sack of dog shit, you know that?" Yang said, a moaning Dragon getting to his feet and slowly pulling up the shreds of dignity left in his pants.
"If I ever see you near my daughter, I'll fucking kill you, got it?" Ruby demanded.
Dragon nodded before turning and waddling away, clenching his rump as Yang shouted out, "I got it all on my camera, you fucking pussy! The world's gonna see your shit and, judging by what's gonna happen this week, it'll be as fruity as you, asshole!"
"Nice, we're heading home." Ruby laughed.
"Here, take the truck as a symbol of a bond reestablished. Now, get your daughter in some normal clothes and leave that for you and Neptune's fantasy night."
"Haha, very funny."
"What did you do without me for nine years?"
Ruby turned around and sped off as Yang scaled the steep retaining wall. Ruby quickly dialed a number on her phone, Ozpin answering on the other end, "Ruby? We need to talk."
"Ozzy, I was about to tell you the same thing."
"Meet me at Galileo Observatory as soon as possible."
"Alright, I just gotta drop off my daughter, we had a run-in with Dragon Bitch."
"That guy? Jeez, I've got files upon files on that guy, he's a nut."
"Yeah, well, my little girl fights like her old woman, she definitely bust at least one of his."
"Nice, see you soon."
The call ended there, Nora looking out her window and saying, "I'm going to fucking kill Penny."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, instead of getting back at your sister, be nice to her, alright? You give her tons of shit, if you didn't treat her the way you do, none of this would have happened."
"But mom..."
"But nothing, be nice to her or I'm auditioning you for that again, got it?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good."