Part 1

John looked at the button on his console and chewed on his lip. He sighed and started his pacing again. How hard could it be? Just press the button, wait for them to respond and then nicely ask if he could please come down and be home for Christmas. It shouldn't be so hard right? It wasn't like they would flat out tell him no. They would want to know why he wanted to come home, they'd get worried. He had to make sure they did not get worried. Scott especially would start worrying about his health while Virgil would worry about his mental and emotional state. John dropped into the chair in front of the control panel and sighed again. This should not be so hard… then why was it so hard? He sighed again.

'Man up Tracy', he thought. 'You are just being pathetic.' He looked at the button again.

"For fuck's sake", he grumbled and slammed his hand down on the button. It took all of three seconds for someone to pick up. When he saw who it was he smiled.

"Hi Grandma", he said.

"Oh John dear how good to see you", she said and smiled. "Your father and brothers are just finishing with decorating the Christmas tree." John smiled and heard a chorus of "hello" from beyond the camera range.

"Hi", John called back then he smiled at his grandmother. "How are you Grandma?"

"Oh I'm fine dear", she said and smiled. "How are you? You look pale and don't think I do not see those dark rings around your eyes."

"I'm fine Grandma just a little tired."

"Hmph you don't eat properly and you do not sleep properly."

"Sorry."

"Hmph", she huffed again. "You need to look after yourself sweetheart", she scolded. "You'll end up sick."

"I promise to do better Grandma."

"Good, now what's on your mind dear? Or did you just call down to check on us?"

"A little of both?" John said and ran a hand through his hair, feeling a little embarrassed.

"Oh?"

"Feeling a little lonely I guess."

"Understandable since it is just a few days until Christmas."

"You okay there Johnny?" Virgil cut in as he appeared behind his grandmother. He'd heard John's words. When he saw his brother's worn out features his eyes widened a little and John rolled his eyes. Here we go again. "I'll send Scott and Alan up."

"Wha-no Virgil!" John objected. "I'm not sick I've just not had proper sleep for a few days."

"Why is that?" Scott asked appearing next to Virgil. His eyes widened as well and John rolled his eyes. "John!"

"Hey don't blame me", John grumbled. "It's not my fault rescue calls go haywire during the Holidays!"

"Tell me about it", Alan called from somewhere.

"Oh as if you know", John growled and then blushed when he realized he'd said that out loud. "Uh… sorry." Alan just huffed in annoyance.

"John that was very uncalled for", Jeff said sharply.

"Hey I apologized!" John spat back. Then he sighed again. "Okay look I did not call to start a fight."

"Then why did you call?" Scott asked.

"Like I told Grandma, to talk. Feeling a little lonely up here at the moment."

"With everything going on around you?" Jeff asked. "How do you have the time to feel lonely?"

"Dad", Scott said and noticed his grandmother give her son a sharp glare.

"Geez dad I don't know", John asked. "Maybe when things are quiet and there is. No. One. To. Talk. To."

"Watch your tone mister."

"Sorry", John said again and ran a hand through his blonde hair again.

"Geez Johnny you look like shit", Gordon said somewhere out of frame. "Are you sure you're not getting sick?"

"I'm not getting sick", John said. "How could I? I've not been home since September. Kinda hard to catch a bug up here."

"Hey if anyone can do it you can!" Gordon teased and John chuckled.

"But seriously John are you sure you're okay?" Virgil asked. "Gordon's right you do look kind of worn out."

"I am just a little tired."

"Hey dad", Scott said. "What do you say we put Five on automatic and bring John back here for some rest? He looks like he needs it." Jeff looked up from the tree where he was putting tinsel and looked at his middle son.

"I see no difference from the usual", he said and turned his face away.

"Dad!" John heard all his earth-bound brothers object. He didn't want to hear anymore. It was clear his question would get the answer no. He cut the connection. He got up from the chair and stalked towards the station's gym. He needed to get some anger out of his system.

"Dad that was cruel", Scott said as Jeff walked by him to sit at the desk. "John looked really worn out!"

"Yeah", Alan said. "He looked like he really was getting ill."

"John has always been pale and has always looked sickly", Jeff said and started doing some paperwork. "He always looks like that at the end of his tour."

"But dad", Virgil began. But Jeff cut him off.

"Boys I know you worry about your brother but I assure you he is fine. He said he was just a little tired. He will be back to his normal self in no time. In the meantime he should stick to doing his duty and so should all of us."

"Jeff", Grandma said. "One day you are going to wake up and regret saying that to John and I hope that day comes soon." She stalked out.

"Yeah dad that was totally uncool", Alan said and he and Gordon left as well. Jeff rolled his eyes. Scott and Virgil shared a look and Virgil nodded at Jeff. Scott nodded in understanding.

"Dad what if Virg and I go up and check on him", he suggested. "Just to make sure he gets some rest. We'll be back before you know it."

"That is nice of you to offer boys, but I need both of you here", Jeff replied. "What if there is a rescue or an emergency? I can't have you fooling around in space."

"But dad… it's John", Virgil said. "John never asks for anything for himself. Never, ever puts himself first… can't we just bring him home for once? The whole family hasn't been together since IR launched."

"John needs to be where he is."

"Why?" Scott asked angrily. He noticed Jeff's eyes move to a picture on his desk and then back to his papers. Scott felt anger creep up. "Really? That's why?"

"What is why?" Jeff asked without taking his gaze from his paperwork.

"You're not letting him come home because of that." Scott pointed at the picture. Virgil looked at the picture as well and understanding dawned on him too.

"Dad…" he sighed.

"Don't you two start", Jeff said. "My decision to keep John on the station to finish his tour has nothing to do with… that."

"Yes it obviously does!" Scott yelled. "You keep John away because he looks like mom!?" Jeff looked up and met his gaze. "Dad! It's not John's fault he looks like mom and mostly acts like her too!"

"Yeah", Virgil agreed. "Dad, you're not being fair!"

"I'm not being fair?" Jeff asked. "Let me tell you boys what is unfair. What's unfair is having the love of your life getting ripped away from you too soon. What is unfair is having the love of your life pass at the same time as your father. What is unfair is having both of them pass away just after Christmas. What is unfair is having a living, walking reminder of what I lost walking around and smiling her smile. What is unfair is having to feel the pain over and over again whenever you see that reminder and remember what you have lost. I miss your mother and grandfather every day. It is always worse on Christmas and one day… one day each year I wish to wake up, spend the day with my family and not feel that pain." Jeff got up and stalked towards the door.

"One day you will wake up dad and that 'reminder' will be gone for good", Virgil said. "And you will only have yourself to blame." Jeff ignored him and walked out. Virgil and Scott had no idea what they were talking about. They didn't understand how he felt. No one did. Jeff always thought of everyone else, why could they not let him be selfish… just for one day of the year. Was that too much to ask? Besides, John didn't really mind being up on Five over the Holidays. He would have said something if he did, which he hadn't. Besides there was another perk to having John, the near replica of his dead wife, up on Five. He was safe. Jeff would not be able to bear it if he lost John too. It was through John he saw most of his Lucy. Virgil had her talents when it came to music and art. Scott and Alan had her stubbornness and Gordon her sense of humor. But John… he looked like her, talked like her, his smile was just like hers and he acted just like her. Jeff didn't keep John on Five to get rid of him… no he kept him there to keep him safe. Out of all the Thunderbirds Five truly was the safest place. His treasure was safe and nothing would change that.

And it was in that moment… that Thunderbird Five exploded.

Why do I ALWAYS do this... I didn't plan for it I swear! *runs and hide*.

TBC