Part 5 – Alan

Alan roared in anger and threw another wrench across the room. He had already blown up the engine twice. But he had to fix it, he had to! He could not fix Five and he could not bring John back so finishing their project had to do! Sadly so far the engine had exploded twice. Well not really exploded. There had been lots of smoke though. Alan tried to wave the smoke away before diving back into the hood of the car. It was an old car John had bought with him. Alan had always wanted and original Thunderbird, even more now that they had their own 'birds. He had found a gold colored one that could not drive anymore, it was from 1963. It had been too expensive and none of his brothers had wanted to help, well Earth-bound brothers. John had agreed readily. On one condition… the first test-ride would be the two of them only. Alan had promised and they would each work on the car when they had time. It wasn't very often they got the time and never together but Alan always felt closer to John when under the hood or working on the interior or the paintjob or… or just washing it. He would go through John's notes to see where he left off and follow his lead. They asked Virgil and Brains for advice when they needed but other than that this was their project… just the two of them.

Alan wiped the grime and tears from his face and dove under the hood again. He had to finish it. He had to finish their car! He had to! He could barely see for the tears spilling out of his eyes. He wiped at them angrily and kept going. He managed to hit his thumb and cursed loudly, but he kept going. He was not going to give up! Never! He had to make it up to John! He just had to! For all the times he had taken advantage of his brother's kind heart and good will. For letting him down constantly and for being a bad brother. If things had gone as planned John would've been home for Christmas and Alan would have been the one aboard Five. Maybe… maybe if he had been John would have figured out what was wrong so that they could have rescued Alan… Alan could not figure out what was wrong… had not realized something was wrong. John would have. John always knew when something was wrong. He was… he had been almost clairvoyant when it came to things like that. He'd look upon a scene and see what did not fit in. Alan and Gordon had challenged him once to see how fast he could find that little dude with the striped hat and brown hair and glasses. Grandma called him… Wall-E? No… that wasn't right… whatever he was called John found him fast.

John and Alan had not been on many rescues together, in fact Alan could count them on one hand but when they had been… Alan had never felt safer. Well except from when all his older brothers were there as well. Scott and Virgil would always be the strongest… the titans no one dared mess with but… John always was… always had this calmness around him. This air… this aura of calmness and silent support that was invaluable to all of them. Alan sniffled again. He remembered when he was really little… maybe three or four years old. John had been around eight or nine. Alan had woken up to a nightmare and had gone looking for his parents. He had only reached the hallway before John had found him. The younger brother had started crying and John had just picked him up and had carried him back into the room Alan shared with Gordon. John had sat with him all night, pointing to and talking about the stars. Their father had found them both fast asleep, with Alan on John's stomach. Since that day John had been the one Alan ran to when he was sad or upset. John wouldn't just push him away… and when Alan had been a teenager… a really moody one at that John had been the only one patient enough to deal with him and his attitude.

Alan had always thought school difficult, boring and dumb. John had made it fun when he helped him with homework or projects and the like. When it came to mean kids Alan had always turned to Vigil or Scott, because they were bigger and scarier. But pure school things had been John's thing. John could explain better than any of Alan's teachers and he didn't call him stupid or lost his patience with him like Gordon did. John had been a college student when Alan was thirteen but he still lived at home because Jeff didn't like the idea of his young son living alone in a city far away.

Alan had remembered the day John was about to leave. It had felt as if a part of him had gone with him because now… now there had been no one who would take the time for Alan. Jeff had been too busy with his work. Scott and Virgil were already at college or the USAF. Gordon was busy with his swimming… no one had the time for Alan. Only John had been the one with time for him. Alan had called him all hours of the day and John very rarely told him he was too busy or couldn't talk. That was the only thing that made sure Alan stayed in school… that and the promise that when Alan graduated he could spend a few weeks with John.

Those few weeks had been some of the best in Alan's life. Just him and John doing stuff they liked… had liked. They went to races for Alan's sake, movies, museums for John's sake, concerts, fairs, observatories and they had even gotten to see a few test launches with rockets. A summer with just the two of them… some of the best weeks in Alan's life. A tear hit Alan's hand and he stared at it. When had he stopped working? The tear made tracks in the grime on his hand. He scrunched his face up and let the tears flood. He sank down on his knees and turned his back to the car, clinging to the edge of the hood with one hand while letting the other hang slack as he cried his heart out. He had been too late to save John! He had left his brother all alone to die! He had lost the only person with whom he could share his deepest thoughts with, the person he could talk about what scared him with… the only one who knew how horrifying it was to be trapped on Five while listening in on rescues. John was the only one who had understood the nightmares… the only one Alan had been able to talk to about them. The only one who would never judge him because he was the youngest, the only one who would not baby him… the only one Alan could always turn to. What if John had tried to turn to him before the explosion? What if he had called out to Alan the way Alan would cry out to him when he was scared or needed him? What if the signals had not gotten through and John believed they had all abandoned him? Did… Had he felt it when the station was destroyed? Had he seen his doom coming or had it just happened and he got no time to react? Had he been frightened? Had he… had he given up on them?

"Oh Johnny I'm so sorry", Alan sobbed. "It should have been me!" He screamed. "It should have been me!" He felt arms around him. Strong arms that smelled vaguely of coffee and paint. Virgil. It had to be Virgil. Scott always smelt like coffee and expensive cologne. Fashion and image was important to Scott after all… well at least when it came to the ladies. Virgil smelled like paint, coffee and sometimes grease or oil from his tinkering. Gordon smelled like the sea and often of chlorine. John… John had smelt like old books and chocolate. For some reason John always smelt like chocolate. It wasn't that he ate more than the others or had a secret stash or anything… John just smelt like hot chocolate and a little bit of mint. Walking into a café or an old bookstore always made Alan think of John because he had smelt just like it.

"Alan?" he heard asked. "Did you hear me?"

Alan looked up at Virgil, he had not been aware of anyone talking to him.

"What?" Alan croaked.

"It's not. Your. Fault." Virgil said firmly. "You should not have been up there… and John shouldn't have been up there."

"But he was…"

"Yeah he was…"

"He shouldn't have been alone", Alan sniffled. "He died alone!"

"I know… believe me, we all do." Alan looked around at those words and found that all his brothers were there… no… not all. John wasn't there and never would be again. Gordon and Scott joined the hug when Alan started crying again. Alan felt tears hit his hair but didn't ask who they belonged to. After all… they had all lost someone precious to them. They had all lost their brother. A small thought burnt in Alan's mind. If he ever found out who was responsible for the station exploding… that person… would pay.

In a room far away from the island… blue eyes opened.

Am I evil? Do I make you cry on purpose? Yes, yes I do.