He stood off to the side, watching the dance floor with remorseful eyes.
More importantly, he was watching a specific couple, the bride and groom. He had no one to blame but himself, he had let her go and now she had found love with someone else.
As he watched them looking into one another's eyes, completely unaware of anyone but themselves, he found himself becoming lost in memory.
She was absolutely breath-taking in her lilac dress. He does not remember buying it for her, so it must be something she sew herself during the time she stayed at the church, the too-many weeks since he sent her back to where she rightfully belongs.
Throughout the entire Carnivale festival, he could not seem to take his eyes off her. Even the beautiful debutantes, in their immaculate dresses and flowers on their hairs, could not deter his attention. All the townspeople stared at the parade in admiration, but he had eyes only for Lili.
He loved her, he loved her so much. He hated being separated from her, he hated not being able to tell her how much he loved her but he had to protect her. He would not lose her.
After the war in Ethiopia, after his trial, after Mussolini was dead and gone, then and only then could he be with her. Oliver begged him to at least tell her how deeply he felt for her, to reassure her that he would return, but he refused.
He did not think he would have the strength to leave her if she said it back.
He continued watching her at the church, as she served food and distributed the hymns. Her long, blond hair cascaded down her backside in shining waves. Her green eyes glistened as she talked animatedly with every parishioner in the nave.
Liliana Adornato was a vision of complete innocence and beauty, just as the Church intended. Just as he wanted to keep her, because innocence means safety in Burlone. Innocence means her life expectancy is significantly higher, and he would rather her away than dead.
He was still staring when her eyes suddenly drifted his way. She had caught him, but he could not bring himself to look away. She excused herself from Elena and slowly made her way towards him.
The mob boss knew he should probably walk away, but she was captivating him, and he could not move his feet. He was torn with wanting to be as far away from her as possible and wanting to hold her in his arms and never let go at the same time.
She stopped in front of him, her eyes fluttering across his face looking for some sort of explanation. She held her hand out to him, silently beckoning him to take it. He hesitated, unsure of what to do. She sighed in frustration, grabbing his hand herself.
"Just one dance, I don't think you can deny me this." She said, smiling at him, but making no effort to disguise her demand.
He nodded, not trusting his voice, and followed her to the dance floor. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him tightly against her. His arms automatically wound around her tiny waist. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of holding her.
It felt like Heaven and Hell at the same time.
"I know you're leaving tomorrow." Liliana whispered into his ear as they swayed to the music. "To America, I suppose, but I didn't ask Oliver for details. I didn't want to know."
He tensed, but did not respond. The feeling of her breath on his neck sent shivers down his body.
"I'm not going to ask you to take me with you." She continued. "Because I know it would be useless."
She paused here, gathering her courage. She pulled away slightly, so that she could look him in the eye.
"But there is something I must ask you, or else I will go insane with doubts." The blonde church ward said timidly. "Before you go... I... I just want to know. I need to know, either way. Do you love me, Gil?"
Gilbert Redford was shocked by the question. He had not expected her to ask this, she had to know, she had to know he loved her more than anything.
Even though he had never said it, she had to know.
Why was she asking this? What good would it accomplish for him to say it?
Lili stared at him patiently, waiting her answer. She watched as his eyes suddenly became darker, with a faraway look in them.
His scarred face was tense, his jaw clenched. He was having an internal war with himself, and in the end his cold side won out.
Gilbert grimaced profoundly before saying the words he knew would hurt her, but he kept telling himself he was doing this for her own good, and he could afford to be cruel if he must. It is better having her heart broken than have it shot.
"Lili... I... I don't." He breathed out. "I don't love you, and I never did love you. I…"
He stopped upon noticing her expression changing from one of love and trust to one of hurt and betrayal. It nearly killed him to see the pain and anger in her face, but it was too late to turn back now.
She pulled away from him as though he had burned her, as if his hands were poison, pushing him away more than just an arm's length.
"That's fine, that's just fine." Her melodic voice was breaking. "I don't really know what I expected, but that's completely fine. I'm just… I will carry on, alright? I will carry on and leave you behind, Gilbert Redford."
With that, Lili walked away from him, unknowingly taking his heart with her.
At that moment, he wanted more than anything to take it all back, to tell her how much she meant to him. Tell her how he wanted to marry her someday, have lots of green-eyed, redheaded children, and grow old with her.
Instead, Gilbert stood their motionless and completely empty, except for the strongly increasing feeling of regret.
Liliana Adornato had stayed true to her word, as one could expect.
She did carry on with her life, through the oppression of fascism. She never did look back, she never asked for him back, for his help, but he did look back enough for the both of them. That day, that horrible day, was the day that sealed his fate.
The name Gilbert Redford is whispered in awe in the streets of Chicago. He may be the crime kingpin of North America, rich and powerful beyond any measure, admired and feared by those who did not even know him, but none of that mattered. He did not have her love.
Lili belonged to someone else now, someone who undoubtedly told her he loved her every day, someone who treasured every moment he spent with her. He did not know this from speaking with his former allies or from hearing church gossip fed to him by Oliver and other underlings. In fact, he did not even know it until this moment, by the way they danced.
There was not an inch of space between their bodies. He was holding her with such tenderness and care as he guided their steps, and her body language showed she trusts him completely. Their hands are clasped by their sides, fingers intertwined and their cheeks are touching ever so slightly. Every once in a while, they glance into one another's eyes, the simple gesture speaking more than any words.
Pain and immensurable regret filled his heart to the point he feels difficulty to breathe as he watched them, but he forced himself to continue staring through the hurt. He deserved his suffering, it would be his penitence, and fortunately the image of this dance would be forever seared in his mind, as a warning.
It confirmed what he feared most. The only woman he ever cared for had found love and happiness with another, due to his own folly. There was no point in 'what if's or rehashing old memories, she truly had walked away without looking back. This was all the proof he needed.
The dance said it all. Now, every day of his life will be an Ash Wednesday.