Rekindling
Chapter 7
情願 墜落在你手中
羽化 成黑夜的彩虹
蛻變 成月光的清風 成月光的清風
幸福 跳進你的河流 一直游到盡頭 跳進你的河
(Yellow, Katherine Ho)
He hadn't known that those magic tricks his mom had taught him would come to use. And although Zuko had always treasured those memories he had with her, he never believed those tricks were going to benefit him in ways other than amusing himself, considering he only met with fellow businessmen on a daily basis back in Beijing.
"Do it again?" the small blond kid urged, polite but persistent. His honey-colored eyes were focused with an intensity that of a professional critic's, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.
Zuko couldn't stop himself from laughing at the child and at himself. He was actually enjoying it. When Kosuke had started warming up to him, he started to come to Zuko expectantly with a curiosity that he knew could come only from Yane.
"Okay, watch closely," Zuko instructed as he raised one hand holding the King of Spades. Kosuke's gaze followed his movements, and then, with one flick, the card disappeared into oblivion.
With an agility he didn't know a 4-year-old could have, Kosuke's hand shot to grab his pinky finger. He pulled Zuko's hand towards his face to inspect and search for any signs of the missing card. His face was a wash of shock once Zuko closed his free hand and flipped out the said card in between his fingers.
"How did it go there?" Kosuke enthused, completely bewildered.
"Magic," he replied with an ominous tone he heard villains use in cartoon shows.
His face broke into an excited grin. "Can you teach me?"
"Only chosen ones get to do magic," he told him, still in-character. "You have to do something in exchange."
Kosuke took this in and scratched his head in thought, clearly distrusting but enticed nonetheless. Zuko blew at the card and fanned it.
"What do I have to do?" he gave in as he snatched the card.
Zuko hummed like he was actually deliberating on it. He snapped his finger and bent down so that he was on eye level with Kosuke. "You just have to get another perfect score on your next math quiz."
Kosuke beamed at him.
"Not hard, right?" he chuckled, ruffling the boy's hair fondly.
"Nope!"
"Then, Kid," he whispered, "We have a deal."
Zuko straightened just in time for him to see Yane ambling towards the living room, all dressed up for the occasion. He felt his throat parch at her appearance and hoped she hadn't noticed him swallowing nervously.
"Didn't know you were good with kids," she observed out loud as Kosuke launched himself towards her in a bear hug.
"I was surprised myself," he half-laughed, half-coughed. "He's a good kid."
"Is he now?" she crooned affectionately, holding Kosuke's face in her hands and pinching at his cheeks. "Is he now?"
"You might tear his skin if you keep up with that," Taiga's baritone voice came to join the fray.
The unnaturally big hulking muscle of a man made his way to the cupboards before giving him a sidelong glance and gruffly saying, "Coffee or tea?"
After all those times of bringing Yane home, joining them for dinner and sometimes sleeping over on the couch, Zuko had grown used to the man's constant intimidating presence. What seemed like a perpetual disapproving scowl on his face only turned out to be what the people here dub as resting bitch face. He was well aware of Taiga's acceptance of humor—at least, the idea of Yane dating him, when he started offering drinks and even taking food requests.
Taiga turned out to be an excellent cook. Needless to say, Zuko was flummoxed.
"I'm good," he told Taiga.
"Yeah, we're about to leave, too," Yane added. "Save me some of that honey soy sauce chicken, okay? I'll eat it tomorrow."
"What time will you be home?" Taiga asked with raised brow, sounding much like those dads who'd bite anyone approaching his daughter.
"She'll be home by 11," Zuko answered for her. "I'll make sure of it. If she doesn't, assume the worst and file for a criminal search in the police immediately."
"Got it. I'll be sure to look for your body and give you justice."
"Guys, there's a kid here!" Yane chided amidst the men's low obnoxious chuckles, her hands already covering Kosuke's ears. "My goodness. Take your sick humor somewhere adult-rated, will you?"
"Says the one with the darkest humor," Taiga muttered under his breath.
"You," she stabbed one finger at his direction. "I'll deal with you later, and you." Yane elbowed him in the ribs. "Come on."
"Bye, Uncle Zuko!" Kosuke chirped with raised hands. "Don't forget our deal!"
"You got it, Kid," Zuko gave a salute in return.
The two made their move to exit the house and the loss of noise soon set his nerves in a haywire again. With a clammy hand, Zuko turned the knob and welcomed the view of their ride.
"Are you finally going to tell me where we're going this time?" Yane asked as she got in the car. She waited for him to take the driver's seat before she went on, "You even got us a car. Whose is this?"
"Toph's," he replied and put on his seatbelt.
"Get out of here," she spat, looking around with curiosity piqued. "How does she drive this?"
"Obviously, she doesn't. She has a chauffeur, but that tough-headed woman knows nothing of being served, much more to be driven around like she was helpless. She pays the chauffeur to shut up about not driving so her parents won't come and get her."
"Okay," she intoned, completely suspicious. "So, where are you taking us?"
"It won't be a surprise if I tell you."
She huffed and threw her frame onto the seat. "I had to buy a new dress."
The engine purred to life with a twist of his hand. "Why?"
"You said it was special."
He arched a brow at how incredulous that sounded and began to drive. "You've probably gone to special events before, and going by that assumption, I'd think you'd have at least a few pieces of clothing for that. I don't get why you had to buy a new one."
"Most boys wouldn't get it."
"Most?"
Yane seemed to have back-pedalled there, succumbing to silence for a brink of a moment before she patted her lap and complained, "Aren't you at least going to compliment me and my new dress?"
Hiding a smile, he glanced briefly at her as though she was a fly buzzing about to annoy him and nodded begrudgingly, "You look lovely."
"Ugh, you sound so fake," she groaned, and though he couldn't see her, he could already hear the pout in her whining.
"I'm just joking," he laughed. "I've been unable to keep my eyes off you ever since you came down to the living room, happy?"
"Now you just sound patronizing!"
"I said what you want to hear! What else do you want from me?"
"Tell me I'm pretty."
"I just did!"
Zuko could feel the sharp dagger she was throwing at him right now from the passenger's seat. A few seconds later, her braying noise filled the car as she jabbed a finger unto his cheek repeatedly.
It was his turn to groan this time, one that he hoped translated to the misery he felt in having a woman who was more childish than her son as his date. If Yane understood, she paid him no heed as she continued to badger him to praise her.
"By the way," he cut across her incorrigible blabber. "Why is your accent different from Taiga's?"
She paused, a bit confused. "What?"
"You talk—I don't know. You sound like you didn't grow up in Japan."
"Oh, you're saying Taiga sounds funny."
"I didn't mean it like that," he bit out as he took a turn.
"He does sound funny, like the rest of my friends when they speak English. I only know, like, one person from my group of friends who speaks without a tinge of Japanese accent."
Zuko gently stepped on the brakes as the yellow light blinked in warning. "Did you get special education for English, too?"
Darkness veiled over Yane's face, her eyes only partly illuminated by the soft gleam of street lights from outside. Slowly, she tilted her head to the side as she hummed, her whole face falling under the cast of the shadows.
"I've always admired the natural American accent. The flow is smooth like silk. The British accent sounds more like a captivating rhythm. The Irish, with hard rises and falls. French, singing in every sentence.
"Chinese and Japanese accent," she tapped her lips. "They sound so... normal for us, I guess. So I tried not to sound like that when I was learning as a child. You like my accent?"
"I never said such a thing," he mumbled. "I just found it unusual."
They didn't talk for the rest of the ride since Yane fell asleep a minute after he took another turn. Driving turned out to still be a natural task for him, even after nearly a year of staying in the US. He was glad he took on Sokka's offer to watch him grease up on his driving skills before taking Yane on this date, otherwise, the supposedly menial task would add up in the list of things piling up in his mind.
Sokka had been patient, but the guy would never pass up an opportunity to bash the back of his head whenever he made little mistakes like abrupt stops and slightly rough turns.
His lips quirk to a smile as he slowed down upon reaching the intersection.
They reached their destination faster than he thought. Zuko parked the car beside a red Sudan and unbuckled his seatbelt.
He patted her hand and found it cold. "Yane, we're here."
Stirring, she gave a soft moan of complaint as her face twisted to a premature scowl. The sour curve of her lips was instantly replaced with a watery smile the moment her eyes lit up.
"Great, I'm starving," she slurred.
Yane got out of the scar before he did, stretching with her arms raised in the air. The dress she's been buzzing about came to his full view—white, off-shoulder with a modest-length above her knee, hugging her figure and accentuating her waist and hips.
To his dismay, she caught him staring. She placed her hands on the waist he's been ogling at and said in a sickeningly sweet voice, "I told you it looked dashing on me."
He glared at the mocking innocent face and offered a hand. "And I said so, didn't I?"
She grimaced as she took his hand. "One thing I hate about this is how small my boobs look—"
"Yane, please—"
"—when they're already small in the first place. I mean, seriously! Mine look like mosquito bites, for the love of Pete. I'm so flaaaat. I've got a flat chest. A flat ass. If only I had a s—"
"I get it! I get it!" he hissed, tugging her faster into the venue in the fear of the people hearing her. She stumbled a bit on her high heels but never stopped giggling at his apparent embarrassment over one of her many quixotic speeches.
"Sorry," she whispered sheepishly.
"Why do you even bother apologizing when you're just going to repeat the same thing the next time you get a chance?"
"If it makes you feel better," she said as she stopped looking around the place in favor of him. "The scarf looks posh on your semi-formal outfit."
His eyes dropped to his scarf for a fraction of a second before he rolled them in exasperation. Ignoring her expectant grin, he released her hand and walked towards the woman who was already on her way to meet them.
"Reservation for two. Lee Huang Zhi," he said.
"Good evening, Mr. Lee. I am Holly," the attendant greeted them jovially. "This way please."
"La Grandiose?" she said in a hushed tone when they were out of earshot, no doubt already aware of the solemn atmosphere of the place they stepped into. "Why didn't you tell me we're going to La Grandiose? I could've worn something else and put on some blush-on."
"Here is your seat," Holly gestured at the table set and gave a bow. "Please enjoy the night."
"Thank you," he replied and pulled the chair for her.
Yane's disquiet eyes scanned the area as she took the seat. She smoothed out the crease on the table cloth and linked her fingers around the glass of water already prepared for her.
"I already made a pre-order of our food, if you don't mind."
"As long as you didn't order any internal organs, or bloody steak, then I don't mind."
"I made sure of that, and will you please relax?" he snickered.
"I am relaxed," she lied through her teeth. She knew he knew what she was feeling. The way she curled her hands on the table as if itching to play with the flower in the center piece, just so she could busy her mind a bit—it all spelled out to him the unease that's settling like a big mass in her stomach.
She pulled lightly on her sleeve. "Sorry. I'm not used to this."
Sombre rivulets of music drifted through the whispered hum of people's tones and barely audible clinks of cutleries. The cream-colored curtains hanging around them like cascading waterfalls swayed with the breeze of wind, carrying with it the scent of flowers and oak wood. He didn't think he'd had enough to afford a reservation in La Grandiose, but he did. He had to decline the offers of help from his friends because he wanted to be the only one to give this to her fully.
"I meant it when I said you looked lovely," he uttered and to make his point, Zuko fished his phone from his pocket and turned on the camera. "Smile."
Ready as always, she tilted her head and flashed a smile.
He stared at the photo for a while before showing it to her. "See?"
She touched his screen and expanded her photo. "It's not that."
"Then, what's the matter?"
"I'm just not used to—ugh, okay, okay," she inhaled deeply and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I love places like these. I love all these beautiful decorations, atmosphere, real damn good food, classical music, dim light, but it brings bad memories. It's like, when I go to places like these, I get the feeling that everyone else is looking at me like I'm some sort of microorganism under their microscopes."
She swallowed and rested her chin on her hand. "Don't worry. It's just my introvert self taking a hold of my nerves. Let me just—let me acclimatize and I'll be back to normal."
"No," he said. "I get it. If anything, I understand exactly what you feel. With each step, put your best foot forward. Look perfectly capable. Make no mistake."
The nod she gave him released some tension in his shoulders. Unlike her, Zuko was bred to bear the pressure of those scrutinizing eyes waiting for him to screw up. Over the years, he'd hardened and accustomed himself to behaving like he was sure of everything he did. Fake it even if you don't have it. Make people doubt their own criticisms by exceeding the image they painted of you.
He opened his mouth, about to ask what situations made her feel that way when she beat him to it.
"The guy I used to date was a celebrity."
Zuko closed his mouth, feeling like a dumbass for no particular reason. There wasn't a day that the mysterious ex didn't cross his mind. He didn't bother bringing it up because, one, he didn't want her to remember, and two, jealousy, anger and insecurity would all join into a mixture of atrocious emotions that would suffocate the little beating organ he had hanging in his chest. It was neither going to help him or her.
"And look at me now," she flicked her hand a few inches from his face like she was doing the magic he did earlier. "Dating a celebrity again."
"Not by choice," he said and stirred away from her hand. "I would trade my entire childhood for a life in the desert."
She burst out in a string of chuckles with a playful roll of her eyes. Yane took notice of the menu resting by the side and began skimming through the pages.
"You want to know what I do to calm myself down?" he murmured like he was in on a secret, attention already laid on a certain middle-aged man a few tables from theirs.
"What?"
He beckoned her towards him so she could hear him whisper as he looked back at the man. "At your 4 o'clock direction. See that guy?"
Yane carefully turned her head with narrowed eyes. "The one with a green tie and gray dress shirt?"
"That's our guy," he nodded.
They watched the man tuck one hand under his arm and shift on his seat, once, twice and another time. He covered his mouth like he was about to cough but it appeared like he was just speaking to the other man seated across him. Yane observed this exchanged with slightly squinted, calculating eyes.
Zuko shifted his gaze to peak on Yane before returning to the direction of the man. "See how he can't seem to stay still in his chair?"
"Yes. Let me guess, he's trying to close a business deal with the other guy but he's not doing a good job hiding his apprehension, which then would look highly unprofessional."
Zuko made a low noise before cocking his chin to the other man. "What about him?"
The other one was considerably younger—maybe a few years older than Zuko himself. With his hazelnut hair slicked back, face perfectly shaved, the guy looked as though he just came out of a photoshoot of a perfume advertisement. Unlike his older counterpart, he wore no tie and had his first few buttons opened.
"He looks so assured of his advantage. Head held up high like that. Sitting like he's the boss listening to someone present a proposal in a meeting. And," she barred her hands and made vertical motions between them. "The way he leans back like that with an aloof expression is like forming an invisible wall in front of him. It's like he's saying, 'you and I are on a different level'. It's also a means of cold intimidation. Passive aggression. A more effective weapon in instilling deep-set fear."
Zuko shook his head and gave her a look that reminded her of the disapproving ones her professors gave her whenever she made a mistake in a return demo exam.
"Wrong?"
"Wrong."
"What do you think then?" she asked, frustrated. "I really can't grasp concepts like these when it comes to business. Teach me. Maybe I could use this skill someday."
"It's really simple. You have to keep watching people and their behaviours. You look at their eyes," he instructed and pointed at his. "The lips and at which way they turn. All subtle nonverbal cues, like a twitch of a finger to grander ones like an upward tilt of a chin, could hide deceit, shrewdness, guilt, fear."
He looked back at Yane to find her giving him her undivided attention.
"Now, look again. See that man?"
"Yeah?"
"He keeps on putting one hand in his armpit like this," he whispered and demonstrated. "Then, he puts it over his nose. Like this. He doesn't look like he's comfortable so he keeps on squirming in his seat and looks like he's about to walk out and head to the restroom. You want to know why?"
"Say it already, Zuko," she hissed through gritted teeth.
"It's obvious. There's a 97.6% chance he has body odor, so he keeps on sampling a whiff."
He watched with malicious amusement as Yane's face mollified like she's lost all control on the muscles that kept her skin taut. Before he could blink his eyes, Yane's hand fazed out of his sight and flicked on his forehead.
"You made that all up!" she exclaimed and made another attempt to hurt him by pulling his ear this time. Luckily for him, Zuko was able to move out of her trajectory whilst setting loose the laughter he's been keeping since his whole fiasco began.
"Now you know why his companion is leaning away from him?" he asked between fits of snorts.
"You stupid walnut," Yane cussed pathetically. "If you keep this up, you'll end up a corpse I'll be dumping at the back of this restaurant by the end of the night."
"Calm down, Shinayane Koujida," he raised his hands mockingly. "Food's almost ready. Don't try to eat me."
She pointed the knife at him threateningly, and with the murderous glower she was currently projecting across her, Zuko had to swallow dryly as a trickle of something akin to fear tickled his spine.
"You look a bit like my sister on her worst days," he commented dryly.
"I'm probably going to be worse than her on MY worst days."
"I'm not going to question that. Makes me think how the guy who hurt you stayed alive."
He had only meant it as a joke, but something flashed through her eyes and all the playfulness vanished—leaving behind only hollow turbulence that began pounding off her like the anguished howl of a wind just before a storm.
"Me, too, sometimes," she said thickly before the corner of her lips quirked up to a painted tragedy—broken and tender.
Zuko wished he should've just shut up.
"Now try this one."
For the second time that day, Zuko found himself sending a prayer above to give thanks for having a mother and an uncle who taught him things he'd be using in his arsenal right now for the pure purpose of entertainment. Yane's laugh by his side was an affirmation to that, a cool and gentle sound straightening out some of the worry creases in his face.
"What do you call a hipster who weighs a lot?"
Yane snorted through the tightly clamped hands over her mouth. "What?"
"Instagram."
And laughter sprayed out of her mouth in choked gurgles and ungraceful snorts. Her guffaw turned into silent sobs as she started to pound on the wooden bridge, her other arm wrapped protectively around her tummy.
"It's not even that funny," he remarked hoarsely, eying her with sheer incredulity.
"I know!" she said in between gasps. Wiping her tears, she held on the bridge for support and proceeded on giggling like a mad man on a killing spree. "It's you—the way you say it. Li-hahahahaha!"
"The way I say it?" he echoed. "Katara used to tell me I kill jokes without any effort by the way I deliver them."
"That's exactly my point! You say it like you don't know what you're talking about."
"And that's supposed to be funny?" he sneered at her.
She cried, a screech that tore up deep from her belly through her throat and out of her mouth as a nasty shriek. It almost felt like his ear drums burst by the proximity of the glass-cracking noise.
He counted to ten, his patience fizzing until he couldn't take her dying whale noises and deadpanned, "I think you've made your point, Japanese woman."
"Oh, my," she laughed breathlessly. "You're so precious. You're really so precious."
Zuko waited for her breathing to even out, choosing instead to admire the man-made pond under the bridge on which they stood on. The water was calm, the undisturbed surface smooth as a mirror. Reflections of the street lamps appeared like floating balls of fire on the lake. If he strained his eyes, he'd see their reflections, too, standing side by side with only centimetres separating them.
"You feel cold?" he asked, glancing at her outfit.
"Nah, I'm fine. And for the record, I totally saw you checking me out and disguising your leering as gentleman concern."
"How much calories do you burn by jumping into conclusions like that?"
"A lot," she shrugged and turned on her heel, resting her back on the ledge. "That's why I stay in shape. Besides, I'm almost always right about my conclusions."
"Yeah? Give me one time you got it right."
"Well, Mr. Hong, I'll have you know I guessed that you were going to ask me out."
Zuko quirked his brow and stared at her challengingly. "I didn't think I was obvious."
"You weren't. In fact, you made it a point to look like you wanted to incinerate me with every glare you generously shot at my direction."
He let the insult slide and pressed on, "Then how did you come up with that?"
Yane slightly twisted her body so that she was in front of him, her other hand still laid onto the ledge for support. Slowly, as though he'd suddenly disappear, she placed on her hand on his shoulder and inched closer. Zuko's breath hitched, the temperature around him escalating degrees higher.
Her eyes locked on his, captivating him with the way she looked at him like he was the most valuable treasure in the world, and she kept it that way, until her face broke into a grin so wide he wondered how her face remained intact.
"Yane—" he warned with unsaid threat.
"You should've seen your face!" she roared again, shoving him aside. "You looked so nervous, my golly gosh. Have you never kissed anyone?"
"I have! Stop laughing!"
"But you looked so pure and astonished, like, oh my goodness. You're so precious."
"You're despicable. In my whole life, I've never met anyone as immature and scattered-brained as you are. And that's saying a lot considering I meet different breeds of people!" he yelled as he sank into a gooey mess of humiliation. "You're even worse that Sokka when he's drunk. I can't imagine how devastating it'd be for anyone to be near you if you get drunk."
"That's why I never drink, Chinese man."
"I'll never understand what I saw in you that made me like a clown like you."
To her credit, she went on spewing bouts of guffaw as she repeatedly punched her abdomen in a failed attempt of keeping those sounds down. For a minute there, he actually thought she was dying of lack of air and was about to make a run for it but a voice gave a harsh stab in his mind. He wanted to argue back and buy more time for himself, but what was the point of prolonging this agony that's been eating at him since the sun rose that day?
"Yane," he said carefully, hearing the slight quiver in his voice and cringing internally.
She glanced at him.
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
She stopped in the middle of her laughter, looking like a cat caught rummaging food in a dumpster. Zuko mentally patted himself in the back for putting an end to that broken sound. If he hadn't, his eardrums would've bursted and he'd have to come home with yet another permanent injury in his face. His stomach, however, made back handsprings before jumping to a dive into the center of the earth.
Mai's reaction to his proposal had been a stark contrast to the expression that crossed Yane's features right now. He remembered how Mai, even when she had still worn her trademark nonchalant, blank look, relayed the uncharacteristic elation she felt over his confession. His heart had swelled with happiness back then, and he had wanted nothing more but to crush her into an embrace and never let go.
"Zuko," his name was painful to hear with the broken tone she used.
He shook his head, unwilling to hear the next things she wanted to say. Her face. Her face looked so pained, so hurt, so alone. Why? Why was she looking at him as if he ripped her heart out when he had only expressed how much he wanted her?
Gulping, he forced out a smile. "I'm kidding."
"No. Look at me."
"It's okay," he said, more to himself than to her. "I'm okay. I can wait. You know that, right?"
"If I say yes, will you stay with me here? Leave behind everything in China and start a new life with me and Kosuke? Will you be his dad?"
Her voice was infuriatingly calm that he felt something inside him flare madly.
"Is that what you're worried about?" he snapped, temper reawakening after a long slumber. "That I'm not man enough to commit to you and your kid? Yane, if you ask me to do something, whatever it is, I'll do it! I like you that much!"
"Will you give everything for me?" she asked quietly.
"Yes! Didn't I make it clear enough?" he borderline yelled.
Yane looked deep into his eyes as she held out her hand which he reluctantly took before squeezing. His mind was a flurry of messed up thoughts and sentiments that he couldn't hear above those voices anymore, yet he stared back at her, willing her with desperate and unspoken pleadings.
"Even when you're still in love with someone else?"
"Yes—" his speech came to a rough halt, his tongue paralyzed to the floor of his mouth as her implications only started to set in. He stuttered, "What—what did you say?"
Her gaze shifted slowly from his face to the scarf tied around his neck just as his heart decided to skip a beat. Horror dawned upon his face as his hand unconsciously lifted to grasp the piece of cloth. He began to shake his head and utter a word of disagreement but the solemn glance she casted him—knowing, understanding and accepting, it told him everything he had to hear from her.
"That's not true," he could only manage a whisper now, and once again, Zuko so lost again. Alone and off to live in a place that was foreign to him. Aimlessly wandering and drifting again in the sea.
"I can't read minds, but people say I have a talent in sensing what others feel. You always think about her, whether consciously or not."
"Don't make this about Mai," he said through gritted teeth. The anger, where was it? That was one thing Zuko was perpetually good at. He revelled in it, held it as his weapon and defense, but as he tried to summon it, he realized he could only chase after its afterimage. Right now, he only felt all the pent up rage snuffed out and reduced to rivulets of smoke.
"It's not just about Mai," she continued, undeterred. "I know that your feelings are genuine. I'm more than honoured to be the recipient of that. I'd gladly reciprocate, but if I did, you'd end up getting... trapped. Here. Forever."
"You make it sound like a bad thing."
"It is," Yane said through a mirthless laugh. "Do you understand what you're trying to do? You're leaving behind reality in favor of living in a dream forever."
"Stop speaking in poems," he practically begged. "I don't get it. You're—you're being too unfair. You can't just—just leave like that. I thought you said—"
He felt her hands cup his face and she came to him, closer and closer, until her lips nearly touched his ear. "You still have a family to save from their own self-destruction. A destiny to claim. A woman waiting for your return."
"Yane, please," he rasped as he rested his forehead against hers. "Let me fall in love with you. I'll make you forget about all the pain you went through. You won't have to cry anymore. Please..."
"Choosing each other won't erase the ugly things we try to keep locked up in the closet. We'll always be prisoners of our past. If we had just met in a different time, in different circumstances, I would've fallen in love with you without holding back. We'd get married, have as many kids as we want, and grow old together. Trust me, I really want to love you so bad."
She encircled her hand around his wrist, just as she always had when their hearts beat in unison.
"You have to move on. You can't keep on looking at a star because it brightened your path. It's there for a reason."
He wanted to go on and on, pour out everything he felt about her. The person who sprinkled specks of light over him. Tiny and seemingly insignificant as they seem in the enormity of the abyss that had enveloped him, that faintest glow became his Polaris.
How he wanted to affix his gaze to the skies above and stare at her luminosity. Let the waves carry his boat for as long and as far as they wanted. It didn't matter, did it?
"You're not my stopover."
She smiled, "But I'm not your destination, either."
Her grip on his wrist was loose, her fingers resting over his pulse with feather-light touch before he gently pried her hand off in favor of putting his hands on her cheeks. Zuko closed his eyes and pressed his lips on her forehead. He planted another kiss on both her eyebrows, the bridge of her nose, over her cheekbones. Underneath his touch, he could feel her stiffen, her fingers on the collar of his shirt making small spasms as he brushed his lips on the corner of hers.
He angled himself just so he could stare back at her face—eyes closed, eyebrows drawn. Briefly, her eyelids fluttered open. Obsidian met amber before they lost sight of each other once again as he swooped down to kiss the other corner of her mouth.
Zuko tilted his chin, his lips now hovering over hers. There was barely an inch between them but it might as well have been miles keeping them apart like they were now. If he crossed that line, if he kissed her lips—he knew there'd be no point of return. His heart ached with every beat, blood flowing in gushes through the new wound she punctured through it. Steady and smooth. Fine and mendable.
She opened her eyes when the kiss didn't come.
A bruised smile graced his lips as he drew circles on her cheeks and leaned his head against hers again.
"Thank you," he whispered. "For everything."
Yane bit her bottom lip and nodded slowly. "Promise me that the next time we meet will be when you've found yourself."
"I promise."
She let out a whimper and encaged him in a tight embrace, bounding him like metal vice that it almost hurt his ribs. But Zuko fiercely hugged her back, biting back his own sobs as he quietly prayed that this was indeed the best for them, because if he was going to let her go, he wanted nothing more but for Yane to also be freed and find herself.
For better or for worse, it was time to leave that star behind and move on with the journey.
Not for the first time that day, she walked through a haze of doubt blindly.
Did she make the right choice? Didn't she deserve to be selfish once in a while? Every single reasonable thought that came to her told her that what she did was the right and noble thing. He needed his family and friends. He needed to set things right for himself. He didn't need her.
It's one thing to take a break from all the bullshit life threw at him. It's another thing to completely isolate himself from his nightmares and live in limbo with her all his life. She pressed her palm unto her aching chest and silently assured herself.
She did what's right.
She did it for him.
And yet, it was difficult to ignore the voice that screamed and begged at her to take her words back. Would he change his mind and accept her again? With a pang, she remembered the way his eyes had dimmed before regaining a sparkle she had never seen in Zuko before. And as wickedly selfish as it was, her heart had pricked with jealousy. Why had it been so easy for him to just take her words and give her up? Maybe she did like him more than he did her, and the thought of that squeezed at her throat it made her eyes sting with bitter tears.
Why had she always been on the short end of the stick? Why was it always her who needed them more?
Catching herself, she coughed and pressed her palm on her chest in a futile attempt to calm the ugly emotions that threatened to tear her from the inside.
She opened the door and removed her shoes. After which, she placed her hand over the package of takeouts and felt the warmth of the freshly cooked food in a pathetic attempt to distract herself. Shuffling towards the kitchen, she forced her mind to drift towards her son who was probably asleep already. She silently cursed herself for forgetting to get that honeydew milk Kosuke wanted to try.
It was then when she noticed Taiga's hulking figure by the table, the sharp outlines of his face only partly illuminated by the lone dim light at the corner of the dining room. Internally, she let out a sigh of hysterical relief. Had she not kept those persistent tears at bay, he would've caught her.
"Hey, why are you still up?" she asked. She made sure her tone was neither flat nor lively. Feigned nonchalance or forced enthusiasm would only serve as transparent films to cover up the tumultuous state she was in. It was a trick she had to learn around Taiga so he wouldn't see through her.
It was no small feat to evade those predatory and intent eyes, after all.
"Wanna eat?"
When no reply came, she shrugged half-heartedly. "Guess not. It's way past your bedtime. You can eat them tomorrow."
She pulled the fridge door open and began to store the food in. She could feel questioning eyes boring at her back, and the intensity of his stare made her want to shrink away. She knew she didn't have to hide anything, especially not from Taiga. But if she started bawling her eyes out, he would start asking questions. Demanding would be a more proper term she guessed. And knowing him, Taiga would paint anyone who made her cry as the one at fault without any questions asked.
She didn't have the heart nor the energy to deal with that outburst, even if it were for her sake. And she doubted that hearing angry words directed to Zuko would help her. If anything, it'd pulverize what was left of her. It was her choice. Zuko had made his to choose her initially, but she, noble, tender-hearted, gentle Koujida Shinayane, had turned him down because she had claimed that it was the best for them both.
Maybe.
Maybe for him.
But for her?
Zuko was a tiny flicker of flame amidst the darkness that made her walk astray for a long time now. He was the life outside anything her ex had frozen and asphyxiated with only as much as his existence. Why had she been so foolish as to let Zuko go without thinking about herself? She liked him so much, and she wanted to fall for him and not be able to get up anymore, but those chains, rusted as they were, held her in place even as she desperately clawed at it to reach for him. Perhaps they weren't even chains. It felt more like arms that caged around her whole being. Keeping her in the wallowing dark waters. Slowly pulling her back down into a void she thought she could get away from.
'Let me go, please.'
"So did he ask you to be his girlfriend?"
His words almost undid her. The tears swelled up in her eyes. Yane lifted her hand and sank her teeth into her index finger. The sharp pain made her wince as she tasted iron in her tongue, but it somehow dulled the stabbing sensation in her heart.
Reigning back her emotions, she swallowed and answered, "Yeah, but we both decided that it was best for us not to pursue a relationship."
She was ready for the onslaught of questions from him. In fact, more than half of the time waiting inside the bus on her way home was spent mulling over fabricated answers. A pinch of lie mixed into a batter of truths twisted a little bit. It had always worked if she's able to make her emotions work for her.
Yane turned around and waited, but a minute passed and Taiga still hadn't looked back at the mask she was already wearing.
"Get to bed," he finally said immediately after she sat across him.
Promptly, he stood up and grabbed his glass of water before heading to his room without another word.
Yane took her time to pour herself some water, watching with misplaced interest as the fluid filled her glass and formed small bubbles that clung to its walls. She stared at it for a while until she decided it was time to drop the act. She downed the glass in one go and made her way to her room.
Only when she had closed the door behind her did she allow the porcelain mask to break. Tears streaked down her cheeks and trickled from her chin.
As her feet numbly carried her to her bed, she pressed her finger pads on the side of her lips where he had kissed her, chasing desperately after the remnants of him giving her his farewell.
Zuko. Dearest Hong Zuko.
From the moment she laid her obsidian eyes on Zuko's amber ones—those beautiful irises that were only a shade brighter than his, she saw the lost little child that hid behind a shell of a hardened man. A far cry from the liberated man who held her face and kissed her like she was the most precious gem he has ever found.
Yane's heart bled for her loss. What she had just let go—it wasn't going to return to her.
She would miss him.
She would spend a long time thinking about what could've been rather than what has been and would be.
Three years from now, Yane would be laying on her bed, just as she was now, wondering again if she had made the right choice for herself.
A/N: Song is from Crazy Rich Asians movie. I loved the Chinese version. Here's a translation from /Genius-english-translations-katherine-ho-yellow-english-translation-lyrics
My feelings and hopes land in your hands
Sprouting into night's rainbow
Morphing into the moonlight's breeze, into moonlight's breeze
Happiness
Leap into your river and swim to the end
Leap into your river