AN: Prompt from u/Nepperoni289 on Reddit. Basically a Harry Potter !gamer fic where Harry uses anything and everything to speedrun to kill Voldemort. I'm not going to write a strictly video game format, since it'll take too long to outline rules, but just imagine that Harry's life is a game that he goes through repeatedly.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
/
Harry Potter and the World Record Speedrun
"What's up guys, it's your boy, Harry Potter, back with another Voldemort run. For those of you who are just joining us, our current record is currently just over 14 hours from start to finish. While we're loading in, I'll take any viewer suggestions you guys have. Nothing? Huh, tough crowd."
/ 0:00 /
Suddenly the darkness fades away to reveal the interior of a cupboard. I look down to take stock of myself. It seems that I'm starting at about 8 years old this time. Not ideal, but certainly better than spawning in at infant age.
First order of business – acquiring my wand. To do that, I first have to get out of my cupboard. Our longtime viewers know that we can't perform wandless Apparition until we're at least 15, but we already discovered the best way to get around that.
"I AM A WIZARD!" I shout, cackling madly. I continue hollering at the top of my lungs as I hear heavy stomping from the stairs above my head. "I CAN DO MAGIC! ABRACADABRA!"
Suddenly, the door to my cupboard slams open, revealing a purple, walrus-like man with his meaty fists raised.
"Boy!" Vernon screams, moving forward to inflict grievous bodily harm onto me.
I feel my magic react instinctively, and my body feels as if it's getting sucked into a thin, rubber tube. It's much easier to direct Apparition after it's already started, so I immediately pull up the image of Diagon Alley in my mind.
Sure enough, as the world reforms around me, I find myself deposited directly in front of a very familiar wand shop. I enter the store and feel Old Ollivander trying to sneak up on me from my right, so I lash out with a fist and knock him out with a precise jab to a pressure point on his neck before he can even open his mouth to speak. No time to waste with his mystical mumbo jumbo.
I make my way to the back of the shop where I know my holly and phoenix feather wand is being kept. I pull the box down from the shelf, take out the wand, and pocket it, chucking the box carelessly to the side.
For a blissful moment, I pause to revel in the rush of warmth that comes with holding my wand for the first time every run through.
Having wasted enough time, I flick my wand and disappear with a sharp crack.
/ 1:49 /
Thankfully, I had spawned in after dusk, so it's already approaching midnight. Using the darkness as a cover, I sneak across the Hogwarts grounds, eventually finding my way to the front entrance. Wizards, as always, have very little sense, so the doors are left unlocked. This makes my job easier, since now all I have to do is get past the moving staircases to get to the Headmaster's office.
After several minutes of stumbling, meandering, and angry cursing, I make my way through the annoying, sentient castle and find myself in front of a pair of gargoyles.
"Ice mice."
Damn.
"Sugar quills."
Damn.
"Kit kats."
Damn.
"Licorice wands."
Bingo!
I bounce on my feet gleefully as the stone gargoyles slide out of the way, revealing the entrance to the spiral staircase leading to the Headmaster's office. Once, I had spent a full 3 hours at the foot of the stairs shouting candy names at the statues, only to get caught and killed by Quirrellmort.
Once I'm in Dumbledore's office, I waltz over to the side door that leads to his private sleeping chambers. He looks very peaceful. It's almost a shame what I'm about to do.
"Avada Kedavra."
A flash of green light illuminates the small room and Dumbledore's chest ceases rising and falling. I pocket my wand and pick the straight, gnarled wand up off of Dumbledore's nightstand. I open his bedside drawer and pull out my shimmering Invisibility Cloak.
In Voldemort runs in the past, I've tried to speedrun without gathering the Deathly Hallows, but it was far slower and far more dangerous to pull off the more risky feats of magic. As tasteless as murdering the old man was, simply disarming him would just get another person on my tail. Trust me, I've tried before. Dumbledore had caught me and completely ruined my time.
Now, with the Elder Wand, I easily have enough power to Apparate through even the Hogwarts wards, so I disappear with a quiet pop to go retrieve the final Hallow.
/ 3:53 /
Breaking through Voldemort's Parseltongue wards that protect the Gaunt shack is a piece of cake since I've done it so many times by now. As I walk through the dilapidated shack, I stay alert, on careful lookout for the various traps, enchanted snakes, and the odd inferius. Strangely, this section actually changes between runs, so I have to stay vigilant.
It's only once I get past all of the defenses and am standing in front of a blackened ring that I realise that I forgot to get Basilisk venom while I was at Hogwarts.
Destroying Horcruxes with Fiendfyre will do in a pinch, but I'm not sure how it would affect the magic of the Resurrection Stone, and I'm not inclined to find out. A Killing Curse would also work, but only if it's cast by the owner of the Horcrux. In this case, Voldemort. Unfortunately, I doubt he'd be too willing to help me out here.
I disable the Compulsion Charms and the Withering Curse on the ring and levitate it into a silk pouch, lamenting the wasted time in making repeated back and forth trips to Hogwarts.
/ 5:37 /
It is much easier to Apparate into Hogwarts than to sneak in, so I appear directly in Myrtle's bathroom. I make sure not to alert the bipolar ghost as I stand in front of the sinks and whisper, "Open."
I curse myself again for forgetting to grab a broom, but it's not a huge deal. I slide down into the hole, shouting, "BASILISK!" as loud as I can.
The Basilisk emerges out of the Slytherin statue's head to meet me as I enter the main chamber. Its eyes are obediently closed as it awaits further orders. Since it has not yet been corrupted by Tom Riddle's diary, the next Parselmouth, me, takes precedence in the chain of command.
"I need a tooth," I tell it. "Actually, make that two teeth."
"Yes, Master," it replies, opening its mouth and presenting me with oh so many rows of pointy, venom-coated teeth.
I carefully extract two, watching the giant snake warily as it cringes in pain. As much as I trust that it'll obey me, I can't help but be a little nervous as I stand with my body half way inside its enormous maw.
"Thank you," I say once I'm finished with my work, because it never hurts to be polite. Yes, I realise how hypocritical that statement is, given that I just murdered a senior citizen not even four hours ago.
Remembering the ring Horcrux that I still have in my back pocket, I pull it out and dump it from the pouch and onto the chamber floor. Without any preamble, I stab it though with one of my brand new fangs, watching as the black, murky substance escapes with an ear-piercing screech.
One down, four to go.
/ 6:29 /
Not being stupid this time, I remember that I still have one more thing to do before I leave Hogwarts for good. That is, of course, destroying Rowena Ravenclaw's Diadem.
It's easy enough since I already know where it is and Voldemort had relied more on the secrecy of the Room of Hidden Things than on actual defenses of any kind.
A quick stabbity-stab later and I've destroyed two Horcruxes with just three left.
/ 7:14 /
Grimmauld Place is empty. I think Walburga's been dead for just a few years and Sirius is still in Azkaban. Now to find Slytherin's Locket…
*POP!*
"AH FUCK!" I scream, spinning and pointing my wand at… Oh, Kreacher. I'd forgotten about him. "Hello, Kreacher."
The diminutive elf eyes me warily. "What business does filthy blood-traitor spawn have in the Noble House of Black?" he croaks.
I think quickly. Aha! Kreacher was pretty desperate to destroy the locket as well, wasn't he?
"I am here to fulfill Master Regulus's final wish," I tell him. "Please retrieve the locket that he left with you, and I will destroy it."
Kreacher eyes me suspiciously, shifting nervously on his feet. "Strange boy knows strange things," he mutters to himself. "But he knows Great Master Regulus, he does. Kreacher will help little half-blood complete Master Regulus's wish."
With that, he disappears with another pop, reappearing in mere moments with a silver locket dangling in his hands. He hands it over reluctantly, tracking its movement forlornly with his large, bulbous eyes.
"Open," I hiss, stabbing it before it has a chance to try to get into my head.
I leave in a swirl of Apparition, leaving Kreacher to fawn over the now destroyed locket. No time to waste, after all.
/ 8:21 /
Now, this next part is the portion that takes the most delicate touch. I'm currently standing on a hill overlooking Malfoy Manor. Once I put my plan into motion, I'll have a very limited window to complete the next part while the Wizarding World is temporarily thrown into chaos.
"Fiendfyre."
I Apparate about a hundred metres and cast again.
"Fiendfyre."
If I hadn't gathered the Hallows, there's now way I would've had enough magical power or stamina to pull this off.
"Fiendfyre."
I repeat this several times, until I'm satisfied that no one and nothing, including a certain diary, will escape the all-consuming cursed flames. And there's no way that they're getting through the Anti-Apparition Charm that I cast with the Elder Wand, either.
Bye bye, Ferret Family.
Four down, one to go.
/ 9:37 /
I've lain in wait in Diagon Alley under the Invisibility Cloak for a while now, watching as various wizards rush around. Several squadrons of Aurors have come through, barking orders to each other and to various bystanding civilians.
To sum up, it's a disasterous, disorganised mess.
Finally, one of the wizards, dressed in Ministry robes, approaches Gringotts and exchanges angry words with the goblins standing guard at the entrance.
I quietly follow behind the goblins and Ministry wizards as they turn to enter the bank. I pass by them and find myself in front of a surly-looking goblin at one of the tills.
"I'm here for the tour," I tell him. Her? I can't really tell. It has a beard, but I'm not sure if that means anything for goblins.
It looks at me, evidently bewildered. "Tour? What are you talking about, Wizard?"
"I'm here to tour your bank," I repeat slowly, making sure to enunciate my words.
"Cease wasting my time, boy," it growls, appearing to be starting to get angry. "If you do not have legitimate business, begone. Or I will gladly call security."
"No, no," I hurry to assure him. "I am here for the legitimate tour of the Lestrange vault."
The goblin pauses. "Oh, yes. Of course, sir. The Lestrange vault tour. Follow me."
I release the breath that I'd been holding. The furor caused by the argument that the Ministry wizards were holding several metres away allowed me to get away with the four Confundus Charms, three Compulsion Charms, and single Imperius Curse – these little buggers really have iron wills. I can't help but respect them a bit for that.
We take the cart down into the depths of the bank, hurtling across the tracks at speeds that are probably dangerously fast. I make sure to cast a shield as we pass under the Thief's Downfall so that the goblin doesn't get released from my control.
As soon as we get past the dragon and the goblin opens the vault, I quickly turn and fire a Killing Curse, killing it instantly. It would only become a hindrance to my speedrun.
I turn back to the vault and cast an overpowered Fiendfyre, hopefully destroying everything within. I shut the vault door behind me. I don't think I put in enough power for the hellfire to reach me, but just in case I did, the door would give me a few extra minutes.
The fastest way out of the bank is the way I took on my very first time, with my friends Ron and Hermione. Through the ceiling on the back of the Ukranian Ironbelly.
I pick up the Clankers that were resting against the wall and begin banging them, sedating the dragon for long enough for me to climb on its back.
"Relashio!" I shout, deftly releasing the beast from its chains.
It roars in triumph at its newfound freedom and takes to the skies. Or just to the air, as it were, since we're still deep underground.
I point my wand upwards and cast a continuous stream of Gouging Spells, carving through the solid rock and providing a path for the dragon to escape.
As soon as we reach open air, I leap backwards off the dragon's back and Apparate away, leaving it to terrorise the Muggles of downtown London. Hehe.
/ 12:31 /
It takes a few quick jumps of Apparition to find my way to that one specific forest in Albania, where the spirit of Voldemort is supposedly lurking.
It doesn't take me as long as I expected to find the shade, since apparently, Voldemort was attracted to the source of magical power, i.e. me.
"I can create a homunculus for you to inhabit," I tell the shadowy figure of Voldemort floating before me. "It won't be great, but it will be less painful than your current state of semi-existence."
Voldemort, as expected, agrees and soon enough, there is a familiar, evil-looking baby thing in silky black robes resting on the forest floor.
My next move surprises the Dark Lord even more than my offer of help did. I take the homunculus into my arms and give it a full-body hug. Voldemort sputters in outrage, failing to notice my wand slipping into my hand and pointing straight towards the ground.
"Fiendfyre."
/ Game Over /
[ Died: 8 years, 0 months, 17 days ]
[ Killed Voldemort: 13 hour, 18 minutes ]
[ New Record! ]
"WHOOOO! Alright guys, as you can see, we've got a brand new record. Thanks for coming; I hope you enjoyed! Don't forget to hit that like button, subscribe, and ring the bell for notifications. Tune in next Wednesday for the next episode of Harry Potter and the Dumbledore Seduction where we continue on our quest to sleep with both Dumbledore brothers!
"This is Harry Potter, signing off. Peace out."
/
AN: Not proofread or edited – I really can't be bothered. It didn't end up being nearly as funny as I'd set out for, but whatever.