A/N:
This chapter reveals SO MUCH which is why I made it rather short. Also! I have one review but I'm getting a lot of visitors on the story, so please, if you like the story and have fun reading it, please review! It would give me a motivation to write more because right now I lowkey might end it here and continue writing for myself, so please show signs that y'all are reading!
Anyway, ENJOY! Tell me what you think abt it so far!
Last week was filled with knife throwing and gun practice. Four announced that we have one last stage of initiation before we are given our final rankings and become members of Dauntless. The idea of being an official member of Dauntless is very exciting. I've managed to rank in the middle top this whole time, trying to keep the attention off of me. Since Capture the Flag, I've managed to stay off of Eric's radar, and I'm ranked #4 right now, Roxxy right behind me.
Currently, my arms are too sore to move because Zeke, Uriah, Roxxy, and I are all placing a bet on who can do the most pushups in a minute. Zeke wins, with a whopping number of 63. I had only been able to get to 50 before crumbling down to the floor.
"Can you believe we're almost done with initiation? It seriously feels like it flew by," Roxxy says as we make our way to the tattoo parlor.
She wants to get another tattoo to signify that she's brave or something like that, and she wanted us with her. I nod my head beside her.
"It's insane. It was surprisingly easier than I had expected," I say, remembering Four's scare tactic when we had first arrived. He made it sound like no one would make it out alive, which makes me laugh.
He was so dramatic.
"Well, I feel like it's taking forever. This whole time I've been thinking about how badly I want to go back to normal and not have to sleep in stupid dorms," Uriah whines, and Roxxy and I start fake crying.
"Aw, poor Uriah," Roxxy and I tease and Uriah pushes Roxxy into me, causing both of us to fall over. I muster up the meanest scowl I could manage and give it to Uriah. To his luck, we have reached the tattoo parlor before I can do any physical damage. Roxxy squeals as she walks towards the man with the tattoo gun and goes on and on about what she wants.
"You getting a tattoo, initiate?" a deep voice growls from behind me, quiet enough that only I can hear it. I ignore the chills that run down my body and keep looking forward.
"Uh, no. Just here for a friend," I answer him dryly, making sure to sound nice enough that he won't bother me. It doesn't work.
"Oh c'mon, where's the yelling today? I missed it," he whispers into my ear and I turn around, pushing him away from me slightly.
"Eric." I give him a warning growl.
"Not quite the yelling I'm used to," he says as he touches my side with his hand, squeezing it. I flinch and immediately recoil from his touch.
"Don't touch me," I whisper at him. This is the first time we've talked in a while, the last time when he yelled at me because my knife hadn't hit the center of the target yet. I have no idea why he's bothering me now.
I walk away and find Uriah, who is laughing at a tattoo that says 'I 3 UR MOM'. I feel Eric's stare burn into the back of my neck, but choose to ignore it. I'm not giving him the satisfaction. After a while of him lingering around the tattoo parlor, I see him walk away out of the corner of my eye, and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I resume talking with my friends.
After about half an hour of Roxxy shrieking and squealing at the tattoo man poking her with the needle, she's finally done. Roxxy and I hug Zeke and Uriah good bye, and then we start to walk back to the dorms. Roxxy proudly shows off her tattoo of a small snake biting into her. She explains it means she's not afraid to die or something like that.
As we reach the dorms, I spot Eric standing in front of the door. I look around for a way to escape but quickly realize there isn't one. Roxxy eyes him carefully, and he moves aside for her to enter. She goes in without question, but when I try he holds a hand up, his hand lingering too close to me for my liking. He holds a stack of papers out, and I reluctantly take them
"These are for you." He walks away from me and doesn't look back, and I skim the papers in my hand.
"Casefile: Divergent Trent Grant".
I stay in the hallway and crouch under a light, trying to read what it says. I ignore the tiredness seeping through me and read the truth about my brother's execution.
I wake up to the sound of boots stomping around me, and when I open my eyes I see Roxxy standing over me, a concerned look on her face. I jump a little, and the file goes everywhere. I quickly do my best to clean it up before Roxxy gets too curious, but it's too late.
"What's that?" she asks me, suddenly uninterested in why I am in the hallway sleeping. I clutch the papers close to my chest and shake my head at her.
"Just some information that was given to me, nothing important. Let's go to breakfast!" I say in hopes of distracting her and changing the subject. It works, and before I know it we are talking about how Zeke asked her out before we left them at the tattoo parlor. I hug her enthusiastically and congratulate her.
She's been talking about Zeke nonstop since we met him. I always knew she liked him, and now he is finally making it official, sort of. I glance anxiously down at the papers in my hand and I know I need to find Eric immediately. Reading these papers last night was very emotional for me.
Apparently, Trent's execution had been planned for a long time. Jeanine had supposedly slipped a serum into everyone's food in Erudite one day, and it signified who was Divergent and who wasn't. The serum made everyone who wasn't Divergent answer every question Jeanine asked with the words, "I am free,". It wore off 24 hours after that. Trent and I were visibly immune to the serum, and so Jeanine cut a deal for Trent. He would be used for their exploration and experiments of Divergents as much as they needed, and in return, I would be left alone. Trent told Eric everything, and how he needed help to get out of it. Eric offered to talk to Jeanine since they were family friends. When Eric did talk to Jeanine, she manipulated Eric into thinking Trent had gone insane. She ordered Eric to bring him to her staff immediately for testing of hysteria. Eric had dragged Trent into Jeanine's arms in hopes of helping his friend, but instead, he dragged him right into a death bed. Eric's words he whispered to me, "He asked for this,'' make sense now. Trent had asked Eric for his help, and that's exactly what he thought he was doing. Eric has had to deal with killing his best friend this whole time. After I was finished reading the file, I cried for a long time. Fucking Jeanine did this. I was so exhausted after reading it, mentally and physically, and drifted off to sleep without realizing I was still in the hallway.
Now I just close my eyes, trying to relax before training starts. This is the first day of fear simulations and I've heard this is a very mentally exhausting stage. Roxxy talks all throughout the morning and I find it easy to tune her out and think of Eric. My heart aches for what he's had to deal with. I'm glad he informed me about the truth of Trent's death, although it's quite surprising he did. I have a sudden urgency to find him and talk to him about it, and I decide I'll do so after my fear landscape.
I walk into the fear landscape room after Four calls me in, and when I see the large syringe in his hand, I swallow loudly.
"Morning Lacy. Have a seat please," he orders me, gesturing towards the chair in front of him.
I take a seat and he calmly goes over what I should expect, and how to get out of the simulation. I manage to nod at him and prepare to face my first fear as he injects the serum into my neck. My vision gets cloudy and my eyes begin to droop down, and then everything goes black.
I wake up to stormy clouds above me, and I seem to be near a lake, the waves crashing as the wind picks up. I look over at the lake and see a big boat in the middle of it, one that I remember from my history class. It's coming at me at full speed, and I wave my hands at it to stop. The water around me begins to rise, and I'm being submerged in it but my feet are still able to touch the ground. The boat continues racing for me, and as I try to run I find myself stuck in place. I keep trying to lift my feet up, but they are stuck in the sand, and I can't seem to get them out of it. I look around for anything to help me when I remember what Four said: you can only wake up if you either face the fear and solve it or lower your heart rate.
"This isn't real. It's a simulation," I tell myself out loud.
I finally pick my feet out of the sand and walk towards the boat. As it comes closer, it looks smaller and smaller, and I soon realize it's a fake boat. Everything starts to disappear quickly, and I open my eyes to the fear landscape room. I wipe off a layer of sweat that has formed on my forehead and look at Four expectantly.
"How did I do?" I ask him casually. He meets my eyes with the same look as the Amity man doing my aptitude test, and I know I've shown my Divergence. My mind starts panicking at ways to come up with excuses, but Four smiles a little, obviously picking up on it.
"5 minutes and 16 seconds. That's a new record here at Dauntless," he tells me, giving me a curious look.
"I just managed to slow my heart rate down," I respond, trying to keep my voice even, and to my surprise, it is.
"Don't worry Lacy, your secret is safe with me. I'll fix it," Four says, and I look at him with wide eyes. I give him a grateful smile and rush out of there.
That was way too close for my liking.
I need to learn to control my awareness in the simulations and work out my fear the way a Dauntless would, by facing it. I take a few deep breaths and calm down. I can't deal with my Divergence right now, I need to focus on finding Eric.
Although there is really nothing to forgive, I feel like he probably feels guilty and responsible for my brother's death. I want to reassure him and finally put him at ease that it wasn't his fault; it was Jeanine's. I charge down many hallways trying to search for his short blond hair and muscular figure. Around the corner, I see a hallway filled with apartments, and when I turn the corner I slam into him, his body nearly knocking me over.
He glares down at me and looks at me with disgust.
"Eric," I say desperately. He eyes me suspiciously and I continue. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea what happened. I just want you to know it's not your fault. I'm sorry I always blamed you, I just didn't know the full story."
Eric's glare is replaced with shock. His eyebrows lift and he looks at me as though I've told him I'm pregnant with his baby.
"What?" he whispers at me, looking at me with a serious, dark expression. His eyes are stormy grey and I feel as though I've said the wrong thing.
"The papers you gave me. I read through them and I just wanted to say how sorry I am, and that I forgive you, even though you've done nothing wrong." I explain to him, finding it odd that he's not hugging me or letting out a sigh of relief or something.
"Lacy, what on earth are you talking about? I don't have time for your foolishness, I have actual work to do. Now get out of my way," he barks at me and I look at him dumbfounded. He turns on his heels and I think of things to say.
"Trent's execution. I read it. You told me to read them." I remind him. Eric stops dead in his tracks. I decide it's a perfect time to keep speaking. "I came to find you after I finished reading it and wanted to give you back the folder since it seems secretive. Thank you for showing it to me, and I wish you'd have shown it earlier."
Eric is still looking at me like I've done something terribly wrong. He walks towards me and snatches the folder from my hand. He then grimaces when he reads the first paper and wipes his face with his hands.
"Forget everything you read. The papers you were supposed to read were the ones from Erudite giving you medical clearance," he snaps at me, and I finally piece it together. I should have known Eric would not have given me such information just so I would forgive him.
He is much more stubborn than that.
"Oh. Well, Eric-" I say as I reach for his arm, but he pulls away quickly.
"Stop. Go back to the dorms and don't touch me ever again," he hisses at me and walks quickly away from him.
That's not what I had planned, I think to myself. I brush my fingers through my hair and try to calm myself down. I would have thought Eric would be relieved. I finally knew what happened, but maybe he was embarrassed? I can't figure out why he would be so angry about me knowing.
I head back to the dorms without eating dinner, mostly because I don't feel like talking to Roxxy or Uriah about anything right now. As I walk through the doors I spot a frantic Four talking with one of the initiates, and when his eyes meet mine he gets even more frantic.
"Erudite, come with me," he orders and I follow right behind him. He leads me past the Chasm, through what seems like hundreds of dark hallways until he finally stops outside of a door. I tried asking him questions about why he needs me, but he never answered. When he opens the door to the room, I see Jeanine, Max, and my mother. My heart drops and my mind wanders to the worst possibility.
They caught me, I think to myself, Four sold me out.
My eyes meet my mother's cold expression, and I almost flinch. Jeanine looks downright amused, and it takes every ounce of power in me to not strangle her. Max's face looks rather bored like he has a million other things to do, and finally, I look up at Four's face. He looks distressed and anxious as if he is also wondering why I am here. I try to steady my thoughts and manage to throw a tight smile at the people in front of me.
"Sit down, Lacy," Jeanine says slowly as if I'm a rabid animal. I look over to Four nervously and he nods his head. I bite down on my jaw so hard it might break, and sit across from them.
"Lacy, I see you have been doing quite well with your initiation so far. I hear you've been working very hard." Jeanine looks relaxed, and if I didn't know her I would think she was a nice lady. I clear my throat before speaking.
"I've managed to stay afloat," I tell her. Her eyebrows knit together. "Now let's get to why you're really here," I snarl, narrowing my eyes at her.
"Lacy, honey, I'm worried about you. We want to do a few tests at Erudite to make sure you are doing okay," my mother answers, sounding concerned. My mother hasn't been worried about me a day in her life after she fixed my heart. I scoff at her.
"I already got checked. I'm fine." I lean back into the chair. Max looks up at me surprised and gives me a slight nod of approval for sticking up for myself.
"Not about your heart. About your mental health. We have heard you've had a few episodes-" Jeanine starts, but I interrupt her before she can say anything else.
"Episodes? Who is making this shit up? If my leaders are concerned, they will order tests upon me, not the people in my old faction. I am not having episodes, and Four can vouch for that," I snap at Jeanine, and when I look over at Four he nods his head.
"She's done perfectly fine here," he tells her in a polite voice. Jeanine lets out an annoyed grunt and sticks out her jaw. She opens her mouth, but before she can say another word I get up and look at Max.
"Sir, can I leave now?" I ask him, and he smiles and nods. I get out of there as fast as I can and I run to where I saw Eric last. He needs to help me. I know what they were going to do. They were going to bring me in to participate in their Divergent experiments, and most likely kill me once they're satisfied.
Before I reach the apartment area, I stop dead in my tracks.
I can't just run to somebody when I need help. I need to handle this on my own. Eric has already had to deal with Trent's death on his conscience, and I doubt he'd want mine on there as well. I turn around and slow down my breathing. I feel unsafe now. Like at any moment Erudite will snatch me up and Max or Four won't be able to do anything about it. My heart is beating and no matter what I do I can't slow it down. I try to take deeper breaths, sit down, stand up, but nothing works. My chest is suddenly filled with a tightening feeling, and I double over on the ground. I cry out in pain as the feeling gets tighter and tighter, and I feel like my heart is about to shatter into a million pieces. My vision starts to blur with tears, and the hallways get slimmer as my vision fills with blackness, until I can't think or hear anything else. All I feel is pain. I lose all strength in my body, and before I know it, everything is dark.