Here we are, folks, the penultimate chapter. Thank you for all the reviews, kudos, favs/follows, comments. They kept me powering through the first story I've ever actually planned out. Also thank you to my beta.
From this chapter, I learned not to write drunk and that most of what I wrote wasn't English. So thank you again for AyakaSpencer for putting up with this.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this feelings train!
"What are we doing here, Kara?"
"We're here for our anniversary," Kara admits timidly, wearily eyeing Lena whose eyes narrow with displeasure.
Lena's feelings bubbling to the surface. The anger at Kara's lie, conflicting and rising from Kara's toying with her emotions, the hot and cold of it. How one minute she wants Lena and the next Kara wants nothing to do with her. Lena wants to go back to a time before the betrayal, back to a time when they didn't have to think and their time together was carefree. She isn't sure if it's something to do with the feelings that have been building within her for four years or the fact she hasn't been willing to admit to them before now. Which is that, somewhere deep down she loves Kara as more than just friends and she wants the deep intimacy that being with her would bring.
"No, Kara," Lena snaps, pinching the bridge of her nose. "What are we doing? You and I? What is this?" Lena gestures irritably between them. "Are we friends or not? Are we… I don't know," Lena sighs. "I'm getting emotional whiplash because you don't know what you want!" Lena accuses in a burst of breath.
"Neither do you!"
Kara regards her silently for several moments before chewing her lip and staring at her feet. Worry cascading over her at the thought of Lena not wanting to be with her. They had avoided this conversation for as long as they could. Until Lena was the one demanding answers to questions they both were too scared to admit they wanted answered.
"You said you wanted a divorce," Lena hisses. "And then... Then the other night," Lena stammers, gesturing in the direction of the bedroom a light blush forming under tan cheeks. "You started it, Kara."
"I-I-" Kara tries to argue, stumbling over her words. Words to placate and justify her actions. But she can't, Lena would see through her excuses. Besides she can only rely on mutterings about mistakes for so long.
"We are doing things that couples do, like go on vacation and take trips for their anniversary," Lena points out, before continuing. "And- And you want a divorce!"
"I don't want a divorce," Kara's head snaps up with a deep frown.
"You suggested it!"
"Because you hated me," Kara's voice borders on shouting as she thinks back to when they woke up here, how repulsed Lena was with her when they had first woken up.
"Because you lied to me for four years. Your Best Friend," Lena explodes. "For four years you took my trust and threw it away."
"I was protecting-" Kara protests and Lena scoffs, cutting her off and shaking her head in disbelief.
"Really, Kara," Lena scoffs her tone dripping disdain. "Again with that old chestnut, trying to justify every bad decision you've ever made," Lena sneers, shaking her head and turning away from Kara.
"I would have gotten you killed," Kara growls. Before sighing, body deflating as she turns to the window, finally giving up."I was protecting me, ok?" Kara murmurs defeatedly. "That's the truth of it," Kara sighs.
"What?" Lena spins, her eyes wide in anger. "So you go from protecting me to protecting yourself?" Lena hiss with disbelief. "You don't get to control fate, Kara. You don't get to be all self righteous in one situation, vulnerable in the next, this is your mistake. You're not a god." Lena seethes letting the false indignation of perceived mistrust save her from hearing the truth of Kara words. Falling back into the safety of feeling like it was distrust that caused Kara's actions That Kara didn't trust Lena to keep her secret, didn't trust her to protect Kara with secrets that everyone else knew. "You really trusted me that little?" Lena whispers, even as her heart races and her fear spikes.
"I do trust you," Kara huffs, shaking her head running her hand through blonde locks, her voice slightly raised in frustration as she paces. "I made a mistake Lena. I know. I made it seem as though I was protecting you from the pain and the cruelty that comes with knowing." Kara sighs, her lips purse as she tries to control her emotions. "But I wasn't, I became comfortable with my justifications for you not knowing and I'm sorry."
"You should have told me, Kara," Lena sighs looking away from the blonde. "I wouldn't have done all the things I did," Lena recoils at the memories that flood through her. "All of this could have been avoided," Lena says through clenched teeth. "You could have told me and we might not even be in this position. We could have avoided all this pain that you put us through," Lena shouts her emotions swelling becoming barbs aimed squarely at Kara. Goading the blonde into a reaction.
"I didn't want to!" Kara shouts, standing to her full height. "Kara Danvers and Supergirl can't be the same, we live different lives."
"For fuck sake Kara," Lena hisses with narrow eyes. "You're the same person and if you'd just been honest we could have avoided all of this. Cut the crap you weren't protecting me I'm a Luthor, my life is perpetually at risk, from assassination attempts and what-the-fuck ever those who want to harm me come up with. What I needed was a friend who was honest, cause that is what is in short supply in my life. You're my friend and... And someone I care about, a lot. It was my decision to make and you were selfish for keeping it from me."
"Selfish?" Kara asks hotly. "It was my decision, Lena, just because everyone in your life has lied to you and kept you from the truth doesn't give you the monopoly on knowing everyone's secrets. You're not Lex."
A pregnant pause falls over them as they stare at each other. Lena grits her teeth as she tries to control her emotions. She thinks about what would have happened had she known about Kara's secret, she knows she would have never divulged Kara's secret. She would have kept it hidden with her own deepest secrets. Like her feelings for Kara, feelings that she had buried for so long but had been dragged to the surface due to their current situation. Had she known would things have been different between her and Kara? Absolutely, she would have been there for Kara because she loved her and she would do anything for Kara. But then she found out from Lex. Lex, who had lied and manipulated both Lena, Lena's family, and even Superman himself.
"You're right, I'm not Lex." Lena bites. "I'm better than Lex. I care, Kara, I'm not a homicidal maniac trying to rid you from the planet. I only asked you for some god damn human decency in telling me the truth unlike the rest of my godforsaken family."
"You don't hold the authority on truth, Lena, you lied to me about Harun-El, the transmatter portal with Rhea, all of it," Kara seeths. "I tried really hard to defend you, through everything against everyone, but I kept my secret. And yes it was selfish but I wanted us to stay the same. I know I should have told you sooner. In Kaznia, even before maybe we could have created this life, but you don't get to sit there and judge me for all the mistakes I made, for keeping a secret that I wanted to keep because I wasn't ready to share, but I care and the parts of me I shared with you were me, just as much as supergirl is me. I care about you Lena, and I know I should have told you and I was kidding myself thinking it was because I was protecting you."
Lena stands stoically, her jaw clenching as she watches Kara catch her breath. Blue eyes staring intently into green. Lena processes the words the Kryptonian has told her before she stands fully, her hands rubbing uneasily.
"You should have told me," Lena states her lips pursed. Lena turns away her hands moving of their own accord as she pours wine.
"I know," Kara mutters. "I know I should have told you sooner," Kara sighs with a shrug. "I couldn't tell you because… Because it was just easier dealing with the fall out of how things between us changed. How you hated Supergirl, but liked Kara and then you hated Kara for not being there and Supergirl and... I couldn't face you hating me. But then you liked Kara again but still hated Supergirl and it just kept being complicated and messy. I didn't want our friendship to change, so I settled on you hating Supergirl and leaving it at that. I didn't tell you to protect myself and I couldn't have you in a position where you were vulnerable because of me."
"I just…. I need… I just need time," Lena whispers before turning and moving to her room at the opposite end of the home. Away from Kara, away from the feelings and the hurt.
She hides away that evening, under the thick duvet in her large bed. Lena watches droplets of rain roll down the window, her mind falling back to the conversation and events since waking up there. How she couldn't stand the sight of the blonde, or her sister or her friends. Her friends too once. She hated what she had become, a cold distant Luthor. A villain. But Lena realises as she lies in the darkening room, she was never the villain, but she had given in and gone down a path that would lead her there due to how she handled her own grief and loss. And maybe if they hadn't been dumped here and had their lives so upended she would have, she would have continued down and become what everyone believed her to be, everyone except… but that had been messed up when Supergirl and Kara became the same person. But deep down she wanted the light that her relationship with Kara brought, before the truth came out and now she can finally admit she had grown to love this life. That she wants to wake up to Kara and be married to Kara, because Kara is right, Lena may not like being lied to, but she is not entitled to truths people aren't ready to share. And the situations between them were messy and complicated and made doubly so by who she is, who her family is. But she wants to be with Kara. To go back to having game nights, where she would beat the Danvers sisters and Kara would silently cheer her on, and being barred from teaming up with Brainy because that's what family does. She enjoys her time here, now and wants it to continue, she's enjoyed spending time with Kara, and getting lost in the small moments, when they aren't fighting, that no one else gets to see. Because she doesn't want to share it with anyone else. She wants Kara, she wants this life, so much more. She wants to wake up with Kara, cuddled close, breathing in the sunshine scent that starts her day, and have bright love filled blue eyes look at her with such awe and reverence murmuring softly and intimately how proud of Lena she is. To come home to Kara and relax into strong arms, powerful enough to break her, but that are soft and sure and safe as all the worries in the outside world stay away. She wanted it all, she wanted a life where that they could talk about anything, with no lies, no miscommunications, a life that they could be themselves wrapped up in each other together. In a softness of a home that reflected them. A home that was theirs, a home they would build from the ground up. A new life, together.
Kara's chest heaves as she stares at the wooden door leading to Lena's room. Her thoughts and emotions chaotic as her body reacts, her heart beginning to race and the walls around her feel like they are enclosing around her, at the thought that she may finally lose Lena and the life she wants. She thinks about how close they had come, how much they were becoming like they were before, but maybe better, because there wasn't this lie and wall between them. The anger and hate slowly dissipating only to return ten fold when Lena turned away, refusing to look at her, locking the door that Kara now stood before trying to keep that fear at bay
The walls kept closing in, feeling tighter and more constricting. Her chest heaving, breath shortening and suddenly she's walking along the pebble beach, thinking of Lena's pain filled eyes. Her steps increase, anger rising up that she should have told Lena the truth a long time ago, before Lex, before Nia before a lot of things. But she wasn't ready, but still, she hurt Lena. Hurt Lena to save herself from the pain of her friend knowing. And all her justifications suddenly stop making sense, why would knowing her secret have put Lena in more danger. Lena was strong and capable and ultimately saved Supergirl far more than Supergirl ever saved Lena. Kara hadn't been ready to share that. And the hero within her has to accept her part that maybe even she can act like a villain.
Kara finds her pace increasing as thoughts race through her head. She had been so wrong about so many things with Lena, she had thought Lena had hated her, had wanted her dead, but then Kara stops realising every smile had been met, every hug reciprocated, every kiss had been returned.
Kara's legs move of their own accord, the loud thumping of her heart in her ears as her mind races. All the 'what ifs', all the missed opportunities. Kara imagines what would have happened if she had just gone to Lena's office two years prior, told her her secret, or turned around on that godforsaken plane, or all the times she had saved her. Kara scoffs as familiar phrases fill her mind. "I flew here on the bus." "I was getting coffee with Kara Danvers" "Terrible Marksmen." "Golly."
Kara stops running her lungs burning needing to catch her breath. They were here now, Lena wasn't innocent, neither was she. They had both made mistakes in each of their own ways. They were the reaction against the other, Lena going down the path of the Luthors, lying and manipulating even as Kara saw the hurt that she had caused Lena. Even as the need to protect herself remained the priority. They had always cared for each other, the times Kara had protected Lena from every attack her family had put on her and when Lena had protected Supergirl with a Kryptonite suit. They had always cared deep down. No matter how bad it had been. The time Lena had pointed a Kryptonite cannon at her, Kara had cared, Kara had always cared just as Lena had always cared. All the way back to their first meeting how open and honest Lena had been. She had vowed to be the opposite of Lex, vowed to be different just as Kara had vowed to be different from her family when she learned the truth. They had always been together, there for one another.
Kara lets out a sharp cry of frustration, her eyes squeezing tight. Accepting her part and her reasons, owning her choices. She was so stupid., "El Mayarah," was about strength in family and she and Lena were stronger together. How could she have been such a thoughtless idiot to compare Lena to Lex, Lena was nothing like Lex. She was the opposite of him, for every frown he had there was a smile, for every cynical look Lena had a look of hope, for every criticism there was a look of intrigue, a new puzzle for her to solve. And Kara loved her for it.
She loves Lena, Kara thinks to herself as she turns to the setting sun, her eyes shutting as the sound of waves crashing against the shore. She loves Lena Luthor and she wants to tell every person she knows. She loves every bit about her, the way her hair naturally falls in gentle ringlets, the way her eyes light up at a new problem, the way her dimples show when she smiles. Kara loves every part of her. They can't be friends, Kara realises, because she doesn't want to be friends. She wants to have lunch with Lena again, and breakfast and dinner. She wants to take Lena flying and show her the side of her she's only had a small glimpse of since waking here. Kara wants to show Lena every side of her, every secret, every little detail she can think of. She wants Lena to know every last part of her, even the dark side, because Lena will understand and because Lena deserves as much of Kara and Supergirl as she can give to Lena. Because she loves Lena.
Kara glances down to the small bands on her finger and sighs heavily, before walking back towards the grey home perched on the knoll above the beach. She loves Lena, and she's going to tell her, Kara decided firmly. She wasn't a coward, she was Kara Zor El, and she would go tell the woman she loved even if it broke her in half at the thought of the rejection. She had to tell her, just so that it was there, so that there were no more secrets, no more lies between them. Just the two of them open and honest. No matter the outcome.
Lena wakes the following morning, her body and mind exhausted from the argument with Kara and all the emotions that had finally surfaced from the day before. She moves from the bed and the smell of coffee hits her as the door opens to find Kara hunched over the counter, her hair pulled into a messy bun.
"Hey," Kara whispers and Lena gives a tight smile as the Kryptonian hands her a mug that Lena takes willingly. She can't meet the warm blue eyes that watch her closely. The sickening feeling of rejection building within her.
"Lena," Kara begins. Lena looks up to see Kara struggling over words and Lena prepares herself for the denial. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, I should have never compared you to Lex last night, you have never acted like him and have always, always been there for me as either Kara or Supergirl."
"I understand, Kara. Truly, I do," Lena sympathises. "I know now, that it wasn't for me to know. It was your decision to tell me, not for me to demand it of you like some errant spoiled child. I'm sorry that I let my insecurities get the better of me. I know it doesn't make up for everything I've done. "
"I should have told you, I just didn't..." Kara shrugs, running her fingers through the loose strands of blonde locks. "I want to save myself from the anger I knew you would have," Kara sighs, watching the raven haired woman closely. "And now, now you hate me for it." Kara shrugs defeatedly, her voice cracking as she stares down at the counter.
"We both made mistakes, Kara, I should never have manipulated you, used Kryptonite on you. I... It just hurt so much. I thought I could fix a problem and save the human race from the pain of being, I thought I was being a better Luthor. I... in reality it was just my problem, Lex, Lillian, Lionel, they had all lied to me my entire life. Then, my one friend, who I had let in, above everyone else. She lied to me too, and I took out all that anger, all that rage, out on you when you were just trying to protect yourself." Lena bites her lip as she watches the tears threatening to fall in Kara's eyes. "I could never hate you, Kara."
It makes Kara lookup. "Really?" she says, her tone hopeful.
"Really. I can't hate someone I care about as much as you," Lena swallows quickly as she holds her own tears back. "Someone I love as much as you."
Blue eyes search green with a small crinkle dancing between the Kryptonians brow. "L-Love?"
"I know it's not something we've ever talked about, and I know you want to go back to being friends so I completely understand, but we can't go back to being friends and pretend that none of this ever happened," Lena turns away as she stammers her way through the well rehearsed excuse in her head. "We can justify an amicable separation to the press, a divorce in a month or so. I'm sure we can get around it. I could even move back to Metropolis if it's easier," Lena can't stop her voice from cracking at the mention of moving away.
"Lena-'' Kara protests softly. Lena's heartaches but she doesn't stop, knowing that if she doesn't continue it will hurt more.
"Or I'm sure I could work from the Tokyo office, I've done it before, when I worked in R&D for Lex, I could do it again, I'm sure National City can't lose Supergirl for longer than a week."
"Le-"
"Please don't make this harder than it needs to be Kara," Lena cries. "I accept what's happened and what I can't have. I understand needing to protect yourself. You know, I do... I understand, I do."
"Lena! Stop." Kara's voice cuts through her and makes Lena stop but she can't bring herself to turn. "I... I realise now I didn't know how to share myself with someone I care about as deeply as I do you."
"But-" Lena starts to turn away.
"Please...," Kara pleads, stepping forward to grip Lena's hands. blue eyes brimming with tears watching Lena carefully. "We both made mistakes, just terrible mistakes. I know we can't take it back. We can't take any of it back." Kara's voice trembles as she tries to convey her thoughts. "But I want to move on, Lena. I just don't want to do it alone, I've been alone my entire life and for five minutes I had you. I want to keep having you, I want to be with you, no one else. There is no one else. I don't want to be alone anymore, Lena. You're the only one that knows what it's like, to be an outcast, to be stood out from the rest, to have to hide who you are. You're my best friend and I know I kept a part of myself hidden but I want to share everything with you."
Lena watches her for a long moment before Lena gives a tight smile. "I'm sorry, Kara," Lena whispers as her heartaches more than before. She can't do this, she can't suffer through the pain anymore of wanting something she can't have. To be so close to Kara and not be with her. "I don't know how we can be fri-"
"I don't want to be friends," Kara snaps. "I don't want a divorce." Kara states resolutely. "I want you, Lena. All of you."
Lena stares at Kara as her brain tries to process what Kara was telling her.
"I know, I'm not perfect and I will never keep a secret from you, I'll never lie to you, I can't think of anything more painful than seeing the way you looked at me in the fortress and I will never put you through that pain again. I can't undo what we've been through. And I know waking up here, with me wasn't what you planned. Or wanted at the time. But I remember when we used to have sleepovers in my loft and you would leave early for meetings, I'd lay there hoping you wouldn't leave."
"I didn't want to," Lena whispers as she stares up at Kara who gives a lopsided smile.
"I want to wake up with you, Lena," Kara states. "I want to go with you to galas, watching as you work the room and… and put old white men in their place. I want to take you to Midvale for thanksgiving and I want to watch Ruby beat you at soccer. Because, because you're my best friend, my person, my wife."
Lena let's out a breath of relief as she blinks away the tears that are falling freely. "I want that too."
"I- I love you." Kara whispers. "I love you so much it hurts."
"I love you too, Kara."
She leans down her forehead resting against Lena's, brushing her thumb over the silver rings as Lena reaches up seizing her lips with her own. It's odd how right it feels, has always felt right Kara thinks as Lena melts against her. Blue eyes meet green as they part both filled with warmth and love that had always been there deep down. Now risen and full of hope, promise and love.
Lena gives a tearful laugh at how corny it is, like one of the terrible romance films Kara watches but she nods as Kara's arms are wrapped securely around her and she buries her face into the blonde's neck. If Kara had had her strength Lena's sure she would have been crushed. Lena cries openly into Kara's shoulder, the feeling of relief that Kara wasn't going anywhere washing over her. She can feel Kara's own tears hitting her shoulder as they hold each other. Relishing the warmth and happiness she feels.
As they pull apart Lena gives Kara a watery laugh as blue eyes meet her own.
"It took us long enough, huh?" Kara asks with a chuckle and Lena laughs openly as she relaxes into Kara's embrace.
"So what now?" Lena asks into the softness of Kara's jumper. Kara's thumb wipes away any errant tears before she pulls Lena's face close to her own. A chaste kiss passing between them.
Blue eyes filled with adoration watch Lena's closely before whispering, "We could truly enjoy our anniversary?"
"I'd like that."
One Chapter Left!
I hope you enjoyed, let me know your thoughts and feels in the reviews alternatively come and shout at me or ask questions on my tumblr: blog/helpbutton95
My next project will be published in the new year a snippet is below, and I will also be on AyakaSpencers Podcast found here: ( ). I am also currently publishing my original works Flat White which can be found here: /works/27633440/chapters/67610426
Something Just Like This Preview:
The transmatter portal was supposed to be broken. It was supposed to be irreparable. Supergirl had done that for a reason. But when Lena Luthor is working late at the L-Corp Lab the last thing she expects is for it to activate. She expects even less for someone to step through, especially when that person is a small blonde haired child looking for her mommy.