I slept badly that night. I wish I could say it was just my shoulder screaming at me, or my stomach growling, but it wasn't. The faces of the terrified kids standing in the road, eyes lit up against the backdrop of our fuck up were painted inside my eyelids. I managed a few fitful hours before I gave up. Gingerly, quietly, I slipped off the top bunk and over to the medbay. Somebody had to take stock of just how desperate this situation was - might as well be me.
Absently, I grabbed a handful of wrapped supplies and our log book. The sitting still, the waiting and the boredom of everything threatened to drive me crazy. I had to keep busy. Keep moving.
Twenty-Five small gauze pads.
Being here, in this bunker, sharing 500 square feet with 7 other people - I felt like I couldn't breathe. Family or no, sometimes the air seemed so close and rank I thought I might suffocate.
Fifteen large gauze pads.
My hands were shaking. The ceiling was too close. Regulation - 6' 5". Above, tons of dirt and rocks. Pressing down…
Three bottles of sterile saline.
We were sitting in a tomb. A catacomb for Bruce's brood. How long could we hide, really, before the Enforcers found us? Gunned us down until the floor ran red?
You're treading dangerously close to a panic attack, moron.
Six? Seven? Packages of cloth tape.
"You alright, Dickiebird?"
Jason pulled the rolls from my unsteady hands and narrowed his eyes, waiting for a response.
"Yeah, just… inventory." I shrugged, wincing. That quickly, I'd forgotten that I'd been impaled a few hours ago. Idiot. I tried to turn away, but Jason grabbed my wrist.
"It's ok to not be ok, you know? Anybody with half a heart would be pissed about what happened. And, Christ, you've got heart to spare."
I smiled wanly, waiting for him to release me. He didn't. Instead, he stared at me, tightening his grip and waiting for an honest response.
A lie would have to do. "I'm fine, Jay. Just couldn't get comfortable so I thought I'd be productive."
He sighed and rolled his eyes, then leaned in, pulled me close, and whispered, "The truth, Dick. Tell me the truth."
His hot breath ghosted across my cheek and I looked away, shuddering. "You're hurting me, Jason."
Dropping my wrist like he'd been burned, he mumbled a half-apology, "My bad. You need to eat more, though. Felt like bird bones."
"I'll take it under advisement, Dr. Todd." I'd intended that as a joke. It came out soaked in venom - a scathing rebuke against an education cut short. What the hell was wrong with me? Jason looked like I'd slapped him. I was mustering strength for an apology of my own when Selina sauntered by.
"Everything alright, kittens? Time for a bandage change, hm?" She pointed at my shoulder, the wound now bleeding through the gauze.
I shook my head, grateful for the shift in focus away from the building tension. "I can wait a few more hours. Don't want to tear through what we have left. Which, by the way, isn't much. We're one bad night away from being cleaned out."
"That won't fly with me little bird. If we don't stay on top of this, you'll get an infection. And one thing we can't seem to find is antibiotics. So sit down, relax, and let me take care of you."
Relenting, I took a seat. Jason shot me a look that said 'we're not done talking' and stalked away.
Carefully, Selina pulled the tape and outer bandage away, revealing an angry red hole, scarlet tendrils streaking away from the bruised opening. With a sour face, she pulled the packed gauze out, cringing at the thick, yellow ooze that clung to the fabric.
"Damn. Infected already. That was fast. You feeling ok, sweetie?" She knitted her brows and pressed the back of her hand against my forehead, then cupped my cheeks. "No fever, yet. Thank God. Let's just get this changed and rinsed. Did we have any more antiseptic…" she trailed off as she dug through drawers and cabinets.
"I'm fine. Honestly. It barely hurts anymore." Another lie. I was full of them.
Her commotion brought Jason back, this time with two tiny bottles of vodka.
"What're we celebrating?" I joked. An olive branch. My unspoken apology for being so short before.
"You, not dying of sepsis." He handed the bottles to Selina, and she uncapped one.
"Sorry, kitten. This is going to hurt."
Slowly, so she didn't waste any, she poured the first bottle into the gash. The pain was immediate and bright, like being hit by lightning. It seared deep into my shoulder, down my arm, into my chest. I bit down hard on my knuckles to stifle my own screams - Jason offered the sleeve of his leather jacket instead. Blindly, I accepted the trade.
She wasn't finished. She cracked open the next bottle and dipped a long cotton swab inside, then pushed it deep into the wound, pulling out foul-looking chunks of flesh and pus.
Tears slid down my cheeks and I started to shake, but Jason held me tight with his free arm. In spite of the agony, I felt safe. Warm. As Selina finished I dimly realized it had been months since I'd had physical contact of any kind, much less something this close to a hug. I leaned against his chest, listened to his reassuring heartbeat…
He pulled away. And I hated myself for wishing he hadn't.
"There we go, you did really well." Selina smiled at me and patted my cheek.
She stood and leaned in towards Jason. I could barely make out her whisper, "At this rate, he'll be septic in a day, maybe two. Watch for a fever, blisters, pain. That sort of thing. I need to go shopping."
She tiptoed over to Cass' bunk, gently shaking her awake and preparing to leave.
I wanted to help. It was my stupid shoulder that was the problem. But I felt hollow, wooden. Jason helped me to my feet and we shuffled back to my cot.
"You get bottom, got it Goldie?" The hesitation in Jason's voice betrayed him. He was worried.
I nodded, sliding under the thin wool blanket, suddenly too tired to argue.
"Stay with me?" The thought slipped past my lips without warning. I winced, waiting for the rejection.
"You got it, Dickie. Be easier to keep an eye on your temp, anyway."
I pushed as close to the wall as possible, and he pulled himself against me, avoiding my shoulder as best he could, arms looped around my waist to keep himself from falling.
I buried my face in his chest and finally found sleep.