ᕙ(O ∧ O)ᕗ

Wind opens his eyes and- "King Daphnes!"
A ghostly Rauru stares at Wind in shock. "Oh dear, something has gone wrong."
Wind: "What?! What is it?! Where's Tetra?"
Ghost Rauru: "Very, very wrong indeed. You're still a child!"
Wind: … "Yeah, so? What's wrong about that?"
Ghost Rauru: "I put you to sleep for seven years. You should have matured into an adult by now."
Wind: "YoU DId whAT to ME?!"
Ghost Rauru: Ignoring the fuming sailor child. "No, no, no. This will never work. A child cannot take up the Master Sword and save Hyrule."
Wind: "That's it! I'MMA SHOW YOU, YA DAPHNES-FAKING-WANNABE-DUNG-HEAD!"

A cursing sailor child storms out of the Temple of Time, Master Sword in hand.
He is going to clobber every monster and villain on the planet!
Just to prove the fat-addle-brained-sea-sludge-scumming-geezer-blow-fish WRONG.

Wind's memories are hazy- but not completely gone.
He knows he's a pirate hero.
He remembers a lot of sailing.
He remembers his family and friends.
And he sort of remembers going on a quest to defeat an evil-something-or-other that stole his sister.
That's about where the memories get a little iffy.

Wind meets a white ninja mummy person.
They introduce themselves as Sheik, the last Sheikah.
Wind has… no idea what that means.
But he's totally getting some Tetra vibes off this Sheik person.
Which of course means he trusts them.

They tell him to go to Kokiri Forest.
Wind: "Sure thing!"
Also Wind: "Uh, where's this forest?"

Holy dung mopped crows nest!
This 'castle town' is trashed!
Redead.
Of freaking course!
Wind hates barnicle damned redead.
He gets out of there as fast as he can.
Sneak style activate!

Wind steps outside of Castle time and-
Woah!
Just… wow.
This is NOT his Hyrule.
Because there is a lot of land.
A lot, a lot of land.
And like- no water.

It's actually kind of scary.
All his life Wind has been surrounded by the sea.
And now it's just… gone.

Adults keep telling him not to swear.
For Naryu's sake! He's not some innocent little pipsqueak. He's the freaking goddess damned hero of the goddess damned world!
So there!

(At this point we know Hylia is just messing with her heroes.)
(Because she could have tricked everyone's mind to see the Link that was supposed to be there.)
(But noooo. Everyone just sees Wind.)
(Which means they see a child.)
(And children shouldn't be cursing like a sailor).

Wind is being stalked by a creepy mini naked lady with wings.
Navi: "HEY LINK!"
And she's freaking annoying.
Navi: "HEY LISTEN!
It's like having a little sister, but with only one setting.
Navi: "LINK! LINK!
Brat mode
Navi: "LISTEN!"
Wind: "Goddess above! Would you SHUT UP?!"

Demons be damned- there is a lot of walking on this adventure!
His feet are killing him.

First time Wind sees a horse he throws a bomb at it.
Malon is not happy with him.
Neither is Epona.
Wind never does learn how to ride a horse.
That's fine.
He didn't need no barnicle-footed bottom-feeder-with-legs anyway.

Guess that means more walking.
… Damn wizzrobe feathers!
This adventure stinks like a bokoblin's backsides.
Malon: "That's it fairy boy! One more swear out of you and I'll set the cuccos on you!"
Wind: "Yes mame!"

Wind finds out the ocarina he has lets him travel through time.
So freaking epic!
Now, how can he use this ability to troll people?

At Kokiri forest, all the forest children are super confused when they see Wind.
Because- like- it's been seven years and Link is still a child.
So… does that mean he was a kokiri the whole time? But how can he leave the forest without dying?
Mido wants to cry.
It just isn't fair.

Sheik shows up again.
How the heck did they get in the middle of this puke stained forest before him?!
Sheik teaches Wind a new song that lets him teleport to specific places.
Oh. So that's how.

Wind defeats a squid-sucker phantom cosplayer with a penchant for picture hopping.
Then this green girl shows up.
She talks really sad. And acts like she knows Wind.
Wind feels sad for her.
So he doesn't mention that he's pretty sure he's not her Link.

Wind thinks he's figured this adventure out.
It's exactly like that legend his grandma used to tell him about the hero who defeated Ganondorf.
So- he's obviously having an elaborate dream based around the legendary heroes story.
But with most of the characters modeled after his own friends and enemies from his own adventure.
The ninja Sheik is the closest substitute his brain could get to Tetra.
The pinched-nose, suckermouth, goblin shark villain is a copout for the Ganondorf he hazily remembers fighting in real life.
The medallions he's having to collect are like the goddess pearls.
And the ocarina is this world's version of his wind waker.

Navi: "Link! Listen!
Wind tries to use his ocarina to warp away from the nightmare fairy.
Navi: "Link!"
Wind: "#•* ¡*£≠!"
It doesn't work.

At a mountain called Death-
Wind discovers there's a dragon causing bad weather.
Seems familiar enough.
Dragon is evil and going to eat Gorons.
Okay… less familiar.

Link the Goron: "Shouldn't you not be cursing? My dad says kids shouldn't curse."
Wind: gives the Goron kid his best stink eye.

Wind bashes the dragon's head in with a hammer!
Take that you fate-morganna Daphnes!
Bet Rauru's sour squid-face regrets ever doubting his abilities as a hero!

Wind asks the Gorons to mail the mushed dragon head to Rauru.
Along with a colourfully worded note.
Wind intended it as a 'told you so' to Rauru.
But… Rauru isn't actually alive.
And the Temple of Time is kind of locked up.
Plus… there's no mailing address to the Sacred Realm.
So Ganondorf gets the dragon head instead.
Ganondorf is thoroughly insulted.

The less said about the Ice Caves the better.
It's colder than an ice blast from the north wind!
And more slippery than a chuchu's bulbous head!
And the monsters keep turning him into a demon damned block of freaking ice!
He's a sailor from tropical seas.
He doesn't do cold!

Shiek: "Stop swearing. You're worse than a sailor."
Wind: "H-here's the deal. I'll s-s-stop s-swearing for-r-r t-ten min-n-nutes if y-you g-g-get me out-t of here with w-w-whatever w-way you m-m-magic-cally dis-s-sapp-pear all th-th-the t-time so I d-d-don't have to s-swim in th-the f-f-freak-king jelly s-stinging ice w-w-water t-t-to g-get out-t-t!"
Shiek: uses flashbomb to vanish.
Wind: "≠£* ¡#•&^#§!"

Wind is very disappointed by the Zora Domain.
Look, he's happy to be around water again.
But this?
It's nothing like the real deal.
Most of the domain is inside caverns.
The whole place feels closed off and confined- nothing like the open expanses of the sea.

Wind fights a Dark Link!
Personally, he doesn't see the resemblance.
Is this thing really supposed to be a mirror of him?
It doesn't dress like him at all.
And it's an adult!

A giant fish lady flirting with Wind.
Wind: "EW! Yuck! Leave me the heck alone you sea salted, shriveled up prune sponge!"
Ruto: "Such rude language for a child! You better grow out of this disgusting habit my little Linky; or I might call off our engagement."
Wind: "We're not freaking engaged! I'm hecking 13 you hammerhead-sharked blobfish!"

Look… the insults were totally justified.
You'd react the exact same way if a crazy fish lady threatened to marry you!

Wind puts on a concert with a bunch of frogs.
It's heartwarming.
(Literally.)

If there is one thing Wind learns while exploring an evil infested well- it's this...
Never drink well water.
Just don't.

Seriously!
Who thought it was a good idea to build a creepy ass crypt right next to the town's supply of drinking water?!
Wind would like to personally meet the moblin-dung-head and beat their barnicle-sized shrimp-brian right out of their head.

Hot Dang! Hover Boots are dolphin flippin' amazing!
If he could keep anything from this adventure, it would be hover boots!
Either that or the Lens of Truth.
The Lens of Truth would be great for treasure seeking with Tetra!
How about both? Both are good.
He'll have both.

Wind sneaks around Gerudo Valley like a pro.
Dun, dun, da-da. Dun, dun, da-du. Nani-naaaa! Nani-naaa! Da-dA!

Fighting broom wielding old ladies kind of makes for lame future storytelling.
On a better note, Nabooru's pretty cool.

Wind: "Sooooo… why are you just quartermaster? I think you'd make a better captain then Ganondorf."
Nabooru: "Because Ganondorf was destined to be our king."
Wind: "I don't get it."
Nabooru: "Every hundred years, when a male Gerudo is born into our tribe, they are destined to become our true king."
Wind: "Wait, seriously?! You mean goblin-shark-faced Ganondorf is only your king because he's a guy? That's the biggest squid-inked hogwash of land-lover vomit I've ever heard!"
Nabooru: "Watch your language, kid."
Wind: "%**¡£ !"

Sheik: "Surprise! I was princess Zelda the whole time!"
Wind: …
Wind: "Yeah… I don't know why, but I kind of expected that."

Wind faces off Ganondorf.
It's comedic to look at.
Tiny kid up against a giant evil villain.
Only outsiders would think that though.
Anyone who met this Link would probably be feeling pity for Ganondorf right about now.
Little known fact: the guy has virgin ears.

Ganondorf: "I received your charming present, little hero. Please allow me to repay you."
Wind: "Only if I get to stick my goddess damned sword up your shark-chow chowder-clam butt!"
Ganondorf's whole face turns dark crimson.
(Is he blushing with embarrassment or just red hopping mad?)
(Or both?)
(Probably both.)
Gandondorf: "You swear an awful lot for a child! About time an adult taught you a lesson!"
Wind: "$•^#%∞&*¶¡€•¢#•§^!"

Wind stabs Ganondorf in the head.
Ganondorf turns into a giant pig.
Wind stabs Ganondorf in the head again.
Wind: "And stay dead you piece of sea-salted-seawead, washed-out-dingy-debry, charred-bacon-coal, greased-up-moblin-chin, barren-barnacle-brained Ganondorf wanna-be!"

When Zelda sends Wind 'back to his childhood'
He ends up just waking up in his hammock on Tetra's pirate ship.
Well, at least his dream theory was correct.

Later when he and Tetra get pulled into a cross time battle against a mad wizard lady named Cia and he meets another Link and Zelda… he'll wonder if it really had been a dream or not.