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Wild wakes up with the most confusing mesh of half remembered memories.

He's a royal knight with warrior friends, and he's a wild child with a massive wolf companion.
There's a princess named Zelda who hates him, but also keeps asking for his help.
The world is a bustling country full of people, and also a wild land of empty of civilization.

Also, Wild is also pretty sure he has died before.

And now he's here:
Standing next to an old lady who calls herself Impa,
And he's looking at a sleeping maiden named Zelda.
But, like everything else, this Impa doesn't match any of his memories of Impa
And he definitely doesn't recognise that Zelda.
When did the princess die her hair brown?

Impa is telling him all about the past.
Apparently Zelda was put to sleep by her mean brother.
Not sure why. Wild wasn't really listening.
Something about the triforce.

Anyway, Impa says he's supposed to wake Zelda up now because of a birthmark or something.
So of course Wild immediately starts shaking her.
Impa: "What are y-"
SLAP!
Impa: "By gODdeSsES GrACe! WhAT arE YOu DOING?!"
Wild thinks it's pretty obvious.

Hmmm… that didn't wake her up.
You know what would really work?
A bucket of ice water.

Impa: "LINK! DON'T YOU DARE!"

After Impa confiscates his bucket, she tells him to go on a crystal quest.
Impa: "Any questions?"
Wild: "Do you have any smelling salt?"
Impa: "NO!"

Needless to say, Wild accepts the quest.
No other questions asked.

Wild spends a lot of the adventure just wandering around exploring every nook and cranny.
Getting himself into trouble because of a some hair brained idea,
Then getting himself out of said trouble with another hair brained idea.
So business as usual, really.

There's this lady,
In- like- one of the only towns he's been able to find so far.
She likes wearing red.
And tight fitting dresses.

But that's not the point.
The point is, she's the best!
How many people do you know heal all your injuries just by talking to you?
Wild knows one.
And boy is he glad he does.
Because Wild gets injured-
A lot.

For a while the only weapon Wild has is a sword.
Which is concerning.
He's convinced it's going to break on him any day now.
It is kind of cool that this sword lets him cast a sort of slicy wave thing, though.

But cool weapons can still break.
Wild is sure of that.
Can he pretty please have a new weapon soon?
Preferably of a different kind.
Wild likes variety.

Oh! Problem solved!
Wild can just make wooden bows and arrows.
There's plenty of wood and rocks around.

While in the Pop-Papa Palace (or whatever it's called)
Wild gets a candle.
The flame is tiny.
Pathetic.
Wild craves a bigger flame.

At least the candle works as a good fire starter.
The few Hyrulians and humans scattered about the land notice there seem to be a lot of forest fires as of late.

Ah-ha!
Wild just had a brilliant idea.
Some of the monsters have some pretty nice maces and spears.
Oh, and the Diara keep leaving their throwing axes everywhere.
So why not just… take those weapons.
The smoldering dead corpses won't be using them anymore anyway.

The Wise Man teaches Wild some magic spells.
Wise Man: "Now remember these magic words, Link."
Sure, okay. He can do that.
Wild has got a good memory… he thinks.
What he can't do is speak on command.
What with this Selective Mutism he's got going for him.
So yeah- no.
Spells are hard.

Turning into a fairy is fun.
He gets to fly.
Wild loves flying.

If only he could caste the spell all the time.
One time his voice went mute half way through the spell.
He was stuck in mini form without wings for five minutes.
FIVE MINUTES!

He nearly got eaten by a Megmat.
There's a reason they kind of look like anteaters.

Wild steps into the Water Town of Saria.
He immediately murders someone.
Just straight up whips out his bow and shoots a villager in the head.
The rest of the villagers are shocked.
Quite a few run away screaming.
Most grab their pitchforks and prepare to battle this blond stranger.
That is-
Until, with a poof of smoke, the dead villager turns into a dead monster.

Everyone is amazed.
They ask Wild how he knew.
The hero just shrugs.

Wild turns out to be very good at picking out all disguised monsters.
He doesn't even need to talk to them half the time.
Just one look and he knows.

Ganon Follower in Disguise: "Ooh poor me, I'm hurt! Will you help me, kind man?"
Wild: stab.
Ganon Follower in Disguise: "What the f-" x_x

While randomly snooping into other peoples houses,
Wild finds a mirror.
Yeesh… that's quite a scar he's got.
I mean, he's seen parts of it on his side and shoulder before.
But he had no idea it was on his face too.
Wild has no clue what could have given him that.
Looks kind of like a burn scar.
But more line-y.

He has to give the mirror up soon after.
Apparently it belonged to some lady.
That's okay, because apparently giving people back the stuff you kinda stole from their house means you get a prize.
The lady was very thankful.
And the Wise Man rewarded Wild by teaching him the Life spell.

Too bad he can only get the spell to work half the time.
Man, if only someone else were here to cast the magic for him.
Someone who's really good with magic.
And could talk.
So basically anyone but him.

Wild goes to Death Mountain.
No… the name does not raise any red flags for him.
Why would it? He likes mountains.

While at the mountain Wild gets a hammer.
This hammer is crazy.
It can destroy whole sections of forests!
He is keeping this weapon.
It better not break on him.

While randomly wandering in the woods, Wild finds a doll.
It kind of looks like him.
But also kind of not.
Either way it is creepy.
So of course Wild picks it up and keeps it.
What can he say? Wild's a curious guy.

At one point Wild breaks one of the special crystals he's supposed to put in the palaces.
It wasn't his fault.
Things just tend to randomly break on Wild,
He swears he's not making this up.

One field trip later and Impa fixes the crystal.
But not without giving Wild the stink eye the whole time.
And filling his ear to the brim with her scolding.
At least Wild got to learn some new curse words from this.

Next time Wild breaks a crystal,
He goes to the Wise Man instead.
The Wise Man is horrified.
But at least he doesn't eye Wild with murderous intent.

Turns out this world has more than one creepy doll.
Wild starts a collection.

Wild notices monsters keep trying to make him bleed.
Like, not in the 'I'm stabbing you so you can die.'
More in the 'Hold still so I can collect your blood.'

It's puzzling to say the least.
Wild loves solving puzzles.

One clever, nd highly likely to backfire, trap later and Wild's got a prisoner for questioning.
His new friend is helpful (frightened) enough to explain (at arrow point) that all the monsters think the hero's blood can bring back Ganon.
This is slightly troubling news.
Wild has some scraps of memories pertaining to the calamity that is Ganon.
And none of it is good.

Wild decides to be a little more careful with his hijinks from now on.
Just in case.

Don't know why, but when Wild learns the Reflect Spell, he almost cries.
It reminds him of someone… big… and friendly.
A big friendly friend.
Who he can't remember.

Anyway, using the Reflect spell to parry attacks is so much easier then… then…
Drat. Looks like his amnesia is really acting up today.
Oh well.

Wild keeps seeing the Wise Man pop up all over Hyrule.
Maybe if Wild didn't constantly get lost or spend days galavanting through the wild,
He'd wonder how the Wise Man keeps showing up at villages before him.

Same goes for the lady in red.
She's in every town he comes to, too.
Or maybe there's more than one red wearing lady?
Wild doesn't spend too much time thinking about it.
He has monsters to kill, boulders to smash, and forests to burn!

Wild rescues Kidnapped Child.

Is it just Wild, or do people have really weird names here?

Wild finds boots that literally let him walk on water.
And lava!

The crazy boy walks on lava whenever he can, now.
The hot magma still burns at his exposed skin.
And he can barely see past the heat that keeps wafting up into his eyes.
Making it hard to doge when monsters throw axes at his head.
But he's walking on lava.
So your argument is invalid.

Some dungeons here have weird bodiless dragons.
Like… there's the head.
And the fiery mouth.
But no body.
Just an angry flying dragon head.

Wild learns the Spell spell.
It lets him control other monsters.
More importantly, it is the perfect tool for reeking some real havoc on the monster community.
He loves it.

Wild makes a mistake.
He got too cocky.
And the monsters managed to pin him down.
They bleed him dry.

Wild wants to be angry at whoever's in charge up there.
Because, really?!
What were they expecting?
Wild is the definition of accident prone!
Have the goddesses seen his scars?!
And yet they still put him in this situation where the world depends on him not getting hurt!

… But really,
He's mad at himself.
He failed again.
Because of him, the world will fall once more.

…

It doesn't work.
The blood sacrifice doesn't work.
The monsters are so confused.
And kind of heart broken.
Why! Doesn't! It! Work?!

(We know why, of course.)
(Ganon needs the blood of the hero who has defeated him. Wild's isn't that hero. Wild hasn't successfully killed a reincarnation of Ganon yet.)
(Kind of funny how failing to kill Calamity Ganon the first time actually works out for Wild in this case.)

Wild survives getting dripped dry of blood, by the way.
He doesn't know how, but he isn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth either.
Wild high-tales-it out of there.
Making sure to slaughter any monsters he comes across, of course.
Getting bled dry is painful.
Wild needed some revenge.

Later, Wild realises he's missing one of his creepy dolls.
Huh… wonder what happened to it?
Oh well.

The Wise Man teaches Wild the Thunder spell.
A sense of foreboding comes over the old guy the moment he tells Wild the magic words.

Wild immediately runs out into the forest to try it out on the closest living beings.
Wild: mad laughter.
Wise Man: "What have I done?!"

You'd think a guy with lichtenberg scars would be more careful when wielding the power of a lighting storm.
You'd be wrong.

It turns out to be a good thing Wild likes the Thunder spell so much.
Because he has to fight a Thunderbird.
Which, ironically, is vulnerable to thunder.

Wild struggles in fighting Dark Link.
For some reason Dark Link isn't actually an exact copy of him.
Dark Link is a copy of some other person.
Who sort of looks like him.
But sorta doesn't either.

It's still a hard fight.
The Dark Link is flighty as a Rito.
Seriously, either the Dark Link is using their shield to knock away Wild's sword strike or they're straight up dodging his arrows with crazy high jumps!

But!
No matter how great someone is at dodging, they can't dodge Wild's flurry rush!
Battle over.
All things considering, it was pretty fun.

Finally, Wild finishes his quest.
He's got the whole Triforce!
Impa grumbles that it took him long enough.
Wild ignores her.

As Zelda wakes up-
Wild immediately wakes up in his Hyrule.

There's a dying fire beside him.
A sky full of bright stars above him.
And a warm body of a wolf curled up around him.
This… this is home.

Was all of that a dream?
Or a forgotten memory?
Wild shrugs.
Doesn't really matter, in the end.

Wild snuggles close to Wolfie and promptly falls back asleep.
He's happy.

And we're back to comedy folks!