(≖ ـــــ ≖) #done
The last thing Legend remembers is falling asleep in his warm and comfy bed.
And now he opens his eyes to see a dark and dank prison cell.
Oh joy.
What adventure has he been thrown into now?
Legend tries to fall back asleep.
But a grumpy imp won't let him.
Midna: "Aww, aren't you a cute little beastie. Did you get caught in a trap, silly bunny?"
Wait, how does she know about tha-
And that's when Legend realises he's in his rabbit form.
Legend: "DAMN YOU HYLIA!"
During the whole adventure Legend and Midna constantly sass each other.
Or sass other people.
(It's honestly ridiculous.)
(And hilarious.)
Midna: "What are you doing? Stop avoiding the monsters and just attack already!"
Legend: "If you hadn't noticed, I'm a pink bunny! What am I gonna attack them with?!"
Midna: "Oh for the love of- Just use your back legs and kick em!"
Meeting Princess Zelda in a locked up tower is familiar.
Feels like Hyrule princesses are always getting locked up or kidnapped.
Midna teleports them into a magic pond.
Despite leaving the Dark World-esqu twilight, he's still a bunny.
Curses.
Midna: "Come on?! Don't you want to save your friends?"
Legend: "Shows how much you know. I don't have any friends."
Legend has a pretty tough time sneaking through the totally-not-his village and getting ahold of any weapons.
Not because he's too short to reach any door knobs.
Not because there's a Farore damned hawk that keeps trying to eat him.
Not because he doesn't even have proper fingers (or thumbs… he misses thumbs) to grasp the weapons with.
But because people won't stop picking him up and petting him.
The goat spirit of the magic pond tells Legend he's the one who has to save Hyrule from twilight.
Legend: "Yeah, I figured that already."
He swears-
If Hylia has put him in another dream land
And then expects him to kill everyone like last time,
He will personally find a way to meet the golden goddess and stab her in her own damned head with her own damned master sword!
One round of shadow bug squashing and Legend finally gets to be human again.
A glowing monkey spirit says he's this world's chosen hero.
Legend: "But I'm pretty sure I'm not."
The monkey of light ignores him.
Oh look.
There's a lynel sized golden wolf sitting right where Legend needs to go and-
Oh cucco feathers! It's going to eat him!
The golden wolf doesn't eat him.
Instead, the golden wolf turns into a skele-man.
Skele-man seems shocked to see him.
Skele-man: "Legend? Is that… is that you?"
Legend: "No. Though I damn well better be after this circus show is over."
Legend goes to a canyon village to save a bunch of brats he's never met.
Oh yay… he gets to be a rabbit again.
The sarcasm is just dripping off his thoughts at this point.
After another bout of bugs smashing with bunny kicks, Legend has opposable thumbs again.
Then a huge horse comes barreling through town, screaming like mad.
Children of Ordon: "Link! Something is wrong with Epona!"
Legend: "Yeah, no duh. I can see that."
Children of Ordon: "You've gotta calm her down Link!"
Legend: "How the hell am I supposed to do that?"
Children of Ordon: "I don't know… ride her or something."
Legend: "Of freaking course! Couldn't be something easy, now could it?"
Legend falls off the frightened hooves-of-death twenty-six times.
Midna: "What do you mean you don't know how to ride a horse? Isn't that you're stinking horse?!"
Legend: "NO! She's not. Because this isn't my stinking world!"
Midna: "Just get on the damn horse!"
Legend finally manages to cling to the horse without being thrown off.
The horse calms down.
About Naryu damned time!
Legend complains about Hylia always shoving him off to save other worlds.
Midna thinks he's being a drama queen.
Which… fair.
But he's not lying.
Legend: "I'll prove it! Why did you think I was the hero who could help you?"
Midna: "Easy! The twilight turned you into a divine beast."
Legend: "And what's a divine beast?"
Midna: "A wolf."
Legend: smirks, "And there it is. You just said the divine beast was a wolf, not a bunny."
Midna "Yeah? So? You're a... wait…. but… You don't- You're not a… whaaaaaaat?!"
Legend: mockingly pats Midna's shadowy form on the head, "Don't feel too bad, Impy. You're not the only one having their memories hoodwinked."
While heading up the aptly named Death Mountain,
Legend gets beat black and blue because the Gorons keep running him over.
He equips the Iron Boots.
Legend still gets flattened.
Little known fact:
Doesn't matter how much weight you put on your feet.
If you don't have the upper body strength to take a charging Goron at full velocity,
You'll still end up as a pancake.
Minda: "You've gone on how many adventures again?"
Legend: "Look! I usually have every magical item known to man, demon, and goddess at my disposal! I don't need to be a freaking sumo wrestler! But of course Hylia had take away all of my stuff when she dumped me in that stupid prison cell!"
Also Legend: "... Are you sure there's no such thing as a power ring here?"
Legend gives up trying to strong arm the Gorons.
He dodges instead.
It has a 50% success rate.
Defeating Fyrus is hard when you don't have any power rings to help you pull the sucker down to your level.
Thankfully, he's got a bow.
Legend and Midna both dry heave when they see the mucus-bloated behemoth of a louse they have to fight.
To top it all off, it's in the middle of a lake.
Look,
Rabbits aren't the best swimmers, okay?!
Could Hylia just cut him some slack for once?!
Apparently not.
Now he's being made to watch the creepiest vision ever.
It's messed up as all hell and damn pointless.
He gets it, okay!
Don't cross the goddesses. Be careful with Dark Magic or it'll corrupt you.
Yada, yada, yada.
Legend didn't cross into the Dark World twice not to already understand all of this.
Sheesh.
Going to Castle Town turns out to be a mistake.
The Veteran curses out every livy-livered soldier in this place.
They're all a bunch of useless cowards!
No wonder the kingdom got taken over by shadows so easily.
Seems like no matter how many adventures he goes on the guards are always useless.
Legend helps guide the helpless amnesiac and a sickly fish prince across Hyrule Fields.
As expected, monsters try to burn them to ashes.
Legend's got it covered though.
Minda: "Your girlfriend is screaming again."
Legend: kills two bulbins then throws his boomerang to put out the burning wagon, all while keeping eye contact with his conversation buddy. "That joke's getting kind of old. What? You don't have any new material?"
Midna: "Just waiting for you to do some more stupid dungheap. Shouldn't be long."
Legend: shoots down several kargaroks, "Hey, here's a brilliant idea. Instead of complaining like a spoiled emo princess, how about make yourself useful and actually help me?"
Midna: "Emo what now?!"
Legend: "You heard me, princess. I figured it out the first day. You're not as slick as you think."
Midna and Legend bond over snark.
Also over competency.
Because Legend is hella good at adventuring. He knows the drill.
Midna #Respects Legend.
Then Zant shows up and steals their dark magic stuff.
And tries to kill Midna with light.
And turns Legend into a bunny.
Zant is an absolute babusu BAstarD!
That freak is so dead when Legend gets his hands on him.
Trying to drag Midna across the countryside as a bunny is quite the ordeal.
Legend honestly thinks smuggling Zelda out of the city and leading her to Midna would be easier.
But no way is Legend going to just leave Midna unconscious and fading while he goes off to get help.
Some monster would probably finish her off while he's away.
She's way too vulnerable like this.
Okay, so maybe he does care about Midna.
Can you blame him?
It's rare that he finds someone as cynical as him.
They make it to the castle.
Nobody bothers him despite his cuteness factor.
Legend likes to think that's because they sensed his killer intent.
The real reason is the scary shadow creature the bunny's got with him.
Zelda sacrifices herself to heal Midna.
Legend is not surprised.
That's all Hylian princesses seem to be able to do.
Get captured, make a sacrifice for the sake of others, then wait for the hero to fix everything and save them.
Legend blames the kings for teaching their daughters it's okay to sacrifice themselves.
He also blames Hylia.
Because Hylia is a cucco demon spawn.
Good to have a competent princess back at least.
And now she can actually directly help him in his Light World.
Legend and Midna are going to curb stomp Zant into the freaking center of the earth.
The Sacred Grove tries to play tricks on him.
But Legend knows the drill.
This isn't the first time a misty forest tried to get him lost.
Nice perk of having the master sword, he isn't stuck as a bunny anymore.
Legend: "Bet you Ganon's is involved in this."
Midna: "Who?"
Legend: "Evil incarnate. Large pig man. A huge thorn in my side. Constantly making messes, which then Hylia makes me clean up. Basically my version of Zant, but ten times more annoying."
Midna and Legend agree-
Malo is a scary genius who they both deeply respect and will never cross.
The creepy toddler kind of reminds Legend of Ravio.
Except switch out the stone faced killer vibe with an annoyingly cheerful walking disaster.
Meaning Malo is better.
(We all know Legend is lying to himself.)
(The softy misses his merchant friend.)
They find out the sages banished Ganondorf to the Twilight Realm.
And that Zant is basically Ganondorf's puppet.
Midna complains under her breath as she hands over a couple of rupees to the smug hero's waiting palm.
It's official.
The desert is the worst.
Midna: "If you put some pants on maybe you wouldn't scream like a girl every time bugs crawled up your legs."
Legend: "Shut up! Besides, I just gotta get halfway through this dungeon and I'll find an item or something that conveniently kills all the stinkers for me."
The Spinner does not helpfully kill off ants.
Midna laughs.
Legend curses Ravio for never being around when he needs him.
Oh you thought the desert was bad?
How about a snow covered mountain next!
Wolves keep trying to eat bunny Legend.
And walking through snow with no pants is the worst.
Legend gets the Ball and Chain.
Midna: " Hehehe. How are you going to lift that? You can't even lift a stone pot."
Legend: "Shut up! Bet you can't wield it either!"
She can.
Legend is begrudgingly impressed.
He also puts her in charge of using the weapon.
Thank fiery forges of Din!
They got the mirror shard!
Now it's time to leave this mountain and never come back!
Another day another couple more dungeons to traverse.
Walks into the Twilight Realm.
Legend: "Well this is familiar, and not in a good way."
Midna: "Let me guess, you've done this before in one of your previous adventures."
Legend: "Basically. Some details are different, but it's basically just a rinse and repeat for me at this point."
Midna: "Calling my home a weak copy? Bet you charm all the girls like that."
Legend: "Pot meet kettle. Loved that recruitment pitch of yours in the dungeon. You were quite the charmer there, yourself."
Midna: "Ah, good times… … Our gods really screwed this adventure up, huh."
Legend: "Definitely."
(They have no idea.)
(Would it comfort you, Legend,)
(To know you aren't the only hero being forced through this fiasco of a story?)
(Hmm, no?)
(I suppose you would say that.)
(But you'll thank me, in the end.)
(After all,)
(You all have so much more in common now.)
Getting to fight Zant was a real treat.
Both Midna and Legend had soooo much beef to unpack on the tantrum throwing man-child.
Having to fight a marionette Zelda was new.
But fighting beast form of Ganon?
Not so much.
Thank goodness for the power of Fused Shadows and lots of Ganon killing EXP.
Otherwise Legend doesn't think he would have been able to take the huge boar down.
And then Ganondorf kills Midna.
Son of a Moldorm!
Legend relishes the way Ganondorf's face contorts in pain as he twists the blade into the man's chest.
Legend: "You know what's funny, sick monster? This is the fifth time I've killed you. How's it feel knowing you're always going to be defeated by a hero in green again and again and again-" Legend rips the sword from Ganondorf's chest.
With a final, "and AGAIN!" Legend lops off the Demon King's head.
With that, the world flashes white.
Legend's eyes snap open and he throws himself out of bed, gasping in time with the wild beat of his heart.
A familiar room greets him…
His room, with its nice furnishings, warm bed, and triple locked door.
Legend's fists curl into the blankets.
First a whisper, "Damn you Hylia."
Then a little louder, "Damn you. I never asked to be your errand boy! Always being sent off to other worlds to clean up your mistakes."
Legend throws his head back and screams at the ceiling, "I'M DONE! YOU HEAR ME? DONE! I DON'T CARE IF GANON RISES AGAIN, OR A WORLD IS GOING TO END! I'M FREAKING DAMN DONE!"
A final murmur, "I'm not losing anyone ever again."