A/N: Man, you guys had quite the response to the last chapter! Thank you for all your GREAT reviews. I started this about 2 years ago (whoa has it been that long?) before things like METOO and TIMESUP came to light and a whole lot of these awful secret happenings started coming to light. Because of the state of that, I debated whether to include this plot point for Beca because I didn't want it to look like I was trying to capitalize on the awful reality. But really it was planned from the beginning and is an important detail of the rest of the story, so I decided to keep it. I will do all I can to handle it delicately. Thank you guys for sticking with this and me.
Also, this is long but that's…good? Warning for language and alcohol and basically just references to everything that's already been all over this fic so maybe I should've put the warning in several chapters ago.
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Ch 13
A loud gasp escaped Beca as she shot awake in bed. She felt the sweat sticking to her skin as her heart hammered away in her chest. She sat up in bed and tried to calm her heavy breathing while the remnants of the nightmare knocked around inside her head. No, not nightmare; not really. More like amplified memories.
Beside her, Chloe sat up as well and immediately moved up beside her. Running her hand up and down Beca's back, she felt the tank top clinging to her curved spine.
"Hey," she whispered, "Nightmare?"
Beca just nodded before hanging her head and running her hands through her hair.
"That's three nights in a row," she noted, "Do you want to talk about it?"
Beca shook her head, "It's just a dream. It doesn't matter."
Chloe watched her throw the blankets back and get out of bed. She disappeared into the bathroom and Chloe sighed loudly. She hated not being able to help. It didn't escape her notice that, even though Beca refused to talk about what was bothering her, these nightmares began after Angela had shown up in the parking lot. Whatever happened between them, it had more of an effect on her than she was letting on.
She couldn't continue to let her suffer silently like this. She had to get her to talk. So, she sat up straight and waited for Beca to return.
In the bathroom, Beca splashed cold water on her face with shaking hands. When she'd done it a few times, she braced her hands on the counter and looked at the mirror. She stared at the pale face looking back at her and clenched her jaw tight.
"Get your shit together," she whispered harshly to herself, and pressed her forehead against the glass, "Get it together."
Why was it coming back now? It had been so many years. She thought she'd put it behind her. Damn her mother for making her bring it up. For holding her coping tool hostage like a selfish criminal. As if it had been waiting for the cue, her head started pounding behind her eyes and her stomach churned. She bit back a groan, not wanting Chloe to overhear.
On that note, she knew she couldn't hide in there for much longer without causing even more suspicion from her clearly concerned girlfriend. Reaching over, she hit the handle on the toilet, allowing the flush to sound through the small room and give Chloe the illusion that nothing strange was going on.
She opened the medicine cabinet and dry swallowed a few aspirin, hoping to take some of the edge off at least long enough to maybe get some more sleep. Taking one more look at her reflection, she wiped her face and practiced a believable face that said everything was fine before heading back into the room, hoping Chloe had gone back to sleep.
She wasn't.
"Sorry I woke you," she apologized when she saw her still sitting in the same spot she'd left her in. She climbed back into bed beside her and gave her cheek a kiss before moving to lay back down.
"Beca," Chloe started when she saw she was just going to sleep without acknowledging anything, "Babe, I think we should talk."
Beca's eyes popped open at the words. Suddenly terrified by the implication in them. Wasn't that what people said before something serious happened? Like a breakup? Was Chloe already tired of putting up with her? She couldn't blame her. On top of everything, now she couldn't even sleep through the night without Beca waking her up.
Nervously, she sat up and faced her, "Ok."
Chloe took Beca's hand in hers and carefully began, "You've been having these nightmares all week."
"I'm sorry. I'll sleep on the couch tonight and…I don't have to spend the night anymore. I'm sorry."
"No, that's," she shook her head, "I'm not telling you to leave. I'm not blaming you for your dreams. You can't control them. I just think…you keep having them; ever since that night in the parking lot."
She felt Beca tense under her hand and look away.
"What happened while I was gone?"
"Nothing, we talked. That's all," she dismissed, "It doesn't have anything to do with this."
"I think it does," Chloe scooted closer, "I think you might need to talk about it."
"There's nothing to talk about," she argued, "They're just dreams."
"Beca," she sighed, "I just want to help you. Talk to me."
Running her hands down her face roughly, she glanced down at her grasshopper tattoo; barely visible thanks to the glow of the streetlights outside.
"She's my mother," she confessed without looking away from it.
"What?"
"That woman, she's not my manager. Well, not just my manager," she clarified, "She's my mother."
"Oh," this information would've been surprising enough on its own but was made doubly so by seeing how the woman treated Beca when they were together, "I didn't know."
"Yeah, that's the point. She uses her maiden name. God forbid anyone realizes how old she is," Beca said sarcastically, "There's a few people who know. Reporters who found out, but it's not really newsworthy enough for them to care about."
Chloe realized what else she was saying with this admission. Whatever argument she'd had while alone with her, it wasn't simply an argument with her manager; it was an argument with her mother.
"So, yeah," Beca continued awkwardly. Deciding that giving that information allowed the benefit of sharing something with Chloe while not divulging everything, "Maybe I have that on my mind, I guess."
"How can I help?"
Beca turned on the mattress so she was facing her and slid some of Chloe's still sleep tossed hair behind her ear.
"Just keep being you," she said. She saw the smile Chloe gave her and scoffed, "Damn, you keep bringing the cheesiest things out of me."
"Aw, I love your cheese though."
"Do you now?"
"Mmm," she hummed and leaned in for a kiss. After sharing one, Chloe pulled them both to lay down again. She wrapped her arms around Beca and held her close, kissing her neck once and whispering, "You can always talk to me. I'm always going to be here to listen, even if listening is all you need me to do."
"Yeah, I know," she paused and impulsively decided to go for it, "and I love…that about you," she chickened out; then bit her lip and waited, wondering if Chloe caught on to what nearly happened.
Nothing came, not verbally, Chloe's arms just tightened around her.
X
They had that weekend off from filming and Beca was glad to take advantage and just stay in with Chloe. She was sitting on the couch, strumming her guitar that she'd taken to keeping at Chloe's for their lessons.
"What do you think?" Chloe's question came suddenly as she jumped onto the couch beside her and held her phone out for Beca to see.
Beca stopped playing and looked up. On the screen was a black and white photo of their hands tangled together. It was one of several Aubrey had taken while they were out. Once Chloe had made triple sure that it was ok with Beca to post her own confirmation of their relationship, she'd decided she wanted something candid for her Instagram. Beca had told her repeatedly that she didn't need to ask permission because she trusted her to know the sort of thing she wouldn't want posted.
She made it clear she didn't want to keep Chloe from doing anything she wanted. Sure, Beca wasn't on social media for her reasons, but Chloe enjoyed it and, again, Beca trusted her.
Looking over the photo she smirked in amusement when she read the font typed over the image of their hands.
'I'm with her. She's with me. You don't have to like it, but you sure as shit better respect it.'
The caption added beneath the photo simply read: 'What she said.'
Beca looked back up to Chloe, still smirking.
"Quite the wordsmith."
Chloe smiled brightly, "You like? Should I post it?"
"Whatever you want, Chloe," she reminded her, "You don't need my approval."
"Doesn't mean I don't' want it," she answered and then hit the button to post with a dramatic flourish, "And done."
Beca chuckled, enjoying how happy it made Chloe to do so, "Give me a warning if people are gonna start using one of those name mashups about us."
"Oh babe, they're definitely going to," she chuckled, "The only question is, what will it be?"
"Bitchell," Beca suggested and started strumming again when Chloe laughed; settling in again her.
After a little while resting against her shoulder, not bothered by the movements Beca made as her hand moved on the neck of the instrument, Chloe closed her eyes.
"That's pretty," she commented on the music, "What is it?"
"Nothing really," she answered, "Just something I've been playing around with. Kind of popped in my head the other day."
Chloe's eyes opened and she sat up quickly, causing Beca to stop in surprise.
"What's up?"
"You came up with that?"
"I guess?" she answered with a shrug, "I mean, unless it's something that's already out there. I don't know every some or anything? You recognize it or something?"
"No, it's just…it's good, Beca. Like, it's really good."
"Oh," she sounded surprised at the compliment, "I mean it's just a little tune. I think it'd probably sound better on piano, honestly, but we don't have one of those lying around."
"Beca," she began somewhat cautious of the idea she was about to suggest, "Have you ever thought about…music?" At the questioning look she received, Chloe elaborated, "Doing music, I mean. Writing it. Performing it."
Beca laughed through her response, "What?"
"I'm serious," she defended the thought, sitting up and tucking her legs under her as she got more excited the more she thought about it, "I've heard you sing. You play beautifully. Clearly you can come up with original music."
"Chloe," Beca shook her head good-naturedly.
"And most importantly, you always seem, I don't know, peacefully whenever I see you play," she spoke seriously and grabbed Beca's hands, "Think about it, you don't enjoy what you're doing now. This could make you happy. What if you could actually enjoy your work? I mean, why not?"
Beca set the guitar aside.
"You're sweet Chloe," she said, "and it's a nice idea but it's not realistic."
"Why not?"
"First of all, I don't come up with songs. It's just a little melody to tinker with."
"That's how songs start, isn't it?"
"Ok, well how about I've never written lyrics in my life. You know I'm no good with words."
"So, you don't write lyrics. You can compose or make arrangements for things or artists," she continued to have an answer for each of Beca's arguments, "Besides, how do you know you can't writ if you've never tried. I bet you'd totally kill it if you gave yourself the chance."
Beca grinned at Chloe's unfiltered belief in her. She leaned in while chuckling and gave her a quick kiss.
"I love you," she said when they parted before standing up and heading into the kitchen.
Chloe watched her leave, sitting in shock for a moment before snapping out of it. Coming back to Earth, she quickly got up and followed after Beca. She entered the kitchen just as Beca was opening a beer.
"Wait a second," she started, "Did you just…you can't do that."
"Do what?" Beca asked, playing dumb as she focused on her bottle's label.
"You can't say you love me like that and then leave the room."
"What kind of glue do you think they use on glass bottles like this? It's like a 50/50 shot it'll come off clean or just make a mess."
"Beca," she said with a sigh.
"Ok, yeah, I said it," she acknowledged and let out a loud exhale.
"All right, but, I mean, people don't usually run off after saying it," she said with a nervous laugh.
Beca took a moment kept her eyes on the bottle as she started anxiously picking at the paper there, "Truth is I… I don't know how or when you're supposed to say it, but I've wanted to and I just, I figured I'd just say it so it's said and you know. I guess it was like, I'll say it and then give you a minute to yourself. That way you don't have to worry about reacting a certain way and if you wanted, we could just move on like nothing happened."
She took a breath once she finished; only just realized she hadn't that whole time. She didn't see as -Chloe moved around the island and stepped into Beca's space.
"There's a problem with your plan there," she noted, tapping Beca's jaw to get her to look up at her, "You didn't give me a chance to say it back."
"You don't have- "her words were silenced by Chloe's lips on her own. Slower and softer than the quick one they'd shared on the couch. When they separated, Chloe remained close.
"I love you, Beca," she smiled, "You big dummy."
Beca shrugged, "Well, I never went to college so…"
Chloe laughed and smacked her shoulder, "Shut up."
The ringing of Chloe's phone came next, shutting down whatever they might have done to celebrate the words shared between them. She groaned loudly and ran a thumb over Beca's lips.
"Hold that thought."
Beca made a show of reaching out in the air and closing her fist around nothing, "Got it right here."
"Dork," Chloe teased before hurrying to the living room to answer the call.
Beca watched her leave with a smile on her face. She was a dork when it came to that girl. And she was starting to care less and less about it. Taking another sip of her beer, she heard Chloe carrying on a conversation and took the opportunity to quietly go into the bedroom.
Once inside she grabbed her overnight bag and, after a glance over her shoulder for caution, opened the inner pocket and extracted the small bottle. She gave it a few shakes, her heart pounding at the sad little rattle that came from within and tipped it into her palm.
She looked at the three pills in her hand.
"Shit," she whispered and looked in the bottle to double check.
Nothing.
Dropping the pills back inside and closing the lid once more, she pressed the bottle against her temple and tried to think. These were the last of them. She'd been trying to ration what she had on her, but obviously that couldn't make them last forever.
She'd already gone back to hotel room the day before, searching for the stash she knew was there, but there was nothing to be found. It was probably the first thing Angela had done after she drove off that night.
Beca knew what she was doing. She wanted Beca to come crawling back to her and this was her way of doing it. Screw that.
She wasn't helpless.
Taking out her phone she sent a quick text; asking Ricki, a reliable source, if they could meet up. She chewed on her thumb as she stared at the screen waiting for a reply. Several minutes passed with nothing, which was unusual. Normally she just left it all up to Angela, but on occasion when she'd reached out herself, it was never more than a couple minutes for a response. She still hadn't received anything by the time Chloe ended her call and found her in the room. Looking up quickly, she attempted to sound casual.
"Hey. Was that anything important?"
"No, a friend of mine," she told her as she came and wrapped her arms around Beca's waist, "She's in town from New York and was asking if I wanted to meet up with her and some of the girls."
"Oh?" Beca thought out loud, wondering if Chloe going out might give her a chance to get out herself to get what she needed, "You gonna go?"
"And miss out on all this?" she teased, grasping Beca's rear for emphasis, "No thanks. I'll catch them next time. Besides, Pilgrim's is always packed, we'd spend more time drinking and dancing than actually catching up."
The club name sparked a part of Beca's brain. She knew it was a place Ricki often frequented for exchanges. Before she could talk herself out of it, Beca was speaking.
"Well, we could go together," she suggested.
Chloe stepped back from her, holding Beca at arm's length.
"You want to go?" she asked for clarification, "That place is always swarming with people; not to mention the paparazzi guarding the entrance like crazy."
"Well…hasn't Aubrey been saying we should be seen out more?"
"Yeah and you hate when she does."
"True, but I definitely don't hate you," she countered, "Seriously, they're your friends and who knows when you guys will all be free at the same time again? You should be able to hang out with them. Plus, isn't that an important step for this? Meeting your friends so they can talk about how bad I am for you?"
"First of all, my friends would love you," Chloe said without a doubt, "Second…if you're sure you're sure, I'd love to go out with you tonight. You can finally show me your dance moves."
Beca knew it was a huge risk; planning to sneak away from Chloe and her friends in search of deal. But the image of those three lonely pills shouted at her that it was a necessary one. She lifted Chloe's hand and twirled her around once.
"Then we're going dancing."
After they both got ready, Chloe decidedly more so than Beca, they headed over to the club. They arrived, parking down the street and walking the rest of the way, Beca could tell from a long way off that Chloe was right. The sidewalk in front of the entrance was surrounded by those bastards and their cameras. Their appearance seemed to light a fire under them and the couple found themselves swarmed before they even got there.
Beca did her best to ignore them as she moved through; Chloe's hand firmly in hers, and ended up lowering her head and shoving a path through until they finally reached the bouncer who forced them all back.
"You good?" Chloe asked as soon as they were inside; speaking over the music.
Beca nodded and cleared her throat, "Let's find your friends."
"She said they were in a booth in the back."
Maneuvering through the bodies of dancers and drunks, Beca kept her eyes open for a sign of Ricki somewhere. They reached the large circular booth occupied by three young women.
"Hey guys!" Chloe said, her excitement clear that she had wanted to come see them despite what she said at the apartment.
Everyone greeted her just as enthusiastically and Chloe smiled brighter and squeezed Beca's hand.
"Beca, this is Cynthia Rose, Emily, and Amy," she introduced each one individually, "Everyone this is Beca."
"Oh, we know who she is," the one Chloe called Amy spoke with a noticeable accent.
Beca nodded awkwardly, that one sentence making her all too aware that her reputation was known to her girlfriend's friends. They joined the table, Beca's arm habitually sliding around Chloe's back as they sat.
The group instantly jumped right into conversation and Beca did her best to be present while continuously being on the lookout. After some time, how much she wasn't sure, Beca felt her focus being pulled back when Chloe squeezed her thigh. She looked at Chloe first and then around the table, realizing everyone was looking at her. She glanced back to Chloe for an explanation.
"Cynthia Rose wants to know all our juicy details," she said with a chuckle.
"Hell no, not all of 'em," the woman argued through her laugh, "There's some stuff I do not want to picture. I was only asking how it started. What about our girl here caught your eye first?"
"Oh, I mean, it wasn't one thing really. Just," she glanced at Chloe and linked her free hand with hers on the tabletop, "she saw me, I guess is the best way to explain it. Plus, she's pretty damn stubborn."
Chloe laughed and leaned her head onto Beca's shoulder. Amy made an exaggerated gagging sound, getting their attention off each other.
"Forget that fluffy junk, no offense Junk," she said aside to Emily who had the look of a lost puppy for a moment before Amy continued, "I do want the real details. Come on, give me the nitty gritty. For instance, Beca, how far down do your tattoos go? And Chloe have you licked them all?"
"Amy!" Emily gasped.
Beca turned her head away when she felt her cheeks burn. Chloe pressed a kiss to the side of her head, but Beca barely registered it when she caught sight of someone at the bar.
"I think that's my cue to get us some drinks," she excused, "I'll be right back."
"Ok. Nothing too hard yet, I was promised some dancing."
"Trust me, alcohol would only improve my skills."
Chloe laughed and watched her move through the crowd towards the bar before turning back to her friends for a verdict.
"So…?"
"She's cool," Emily said, "And she's super into you."
Chloe was happy to hear the positive review from her younger friend. She noticed that Cynthia Rose was hesitating to speak though.
"What do you think?" Chloe asked her directly.
"She just seems kind of distracted. Looking around a lot like she's paranoid or something."
"Yeah, she can be pretty on edge in public sometimes. There are always people watching her and taking pictures. I mean, you guys know what it's like for me, it's way worse for Beca. It gets to her sometimes."
A sharp bark of laughter came from Amy, "Tell me about it, didn't she break a guy's hand last year?"
"Not on purpose!" Chloe defended immediately, "She pushed him away from her and he fell over the curb. It was an accident."
"An expensive accident," Amy continued, "How much did he sue for?"
Chloe's mouth open and closed a few times before shaking her head quickly, "That's not what we're talking about. Don't be like that."
Amy opened her mouth to respond but saw the look Cynthia Rose was giving her and shut it, choosing instead to just nod and then apologize, "Sorry, Chloe. You're right. Let's talk about the sex."
X
Beca made it to the bar and took a breath before sliding in beside the tall woman. Deciding to play casual first, she signaled for the bartender and put in for her and Chloe's drinks. As soon as she spoke the woman turned her way, revealing the blue streak in her dark hair.
"Well, Well, Mitchell," she spoke smoothly, "It's been a minute."
"Hey Des," she nodded, "How you been?"
"Oh, you know, this shiny town still has plenty of shadows to keep me busy."
"Right," she gave a small smile and cleared her throat again, "So, uh, have you seen Ricki around? I've been trying to get in touch…you know."
Desiree let out a loud laugh, "Oh I know why you'd be looking for her, Mitchell," she said with a glint in her eye, "Also know you ain't finding her anywhere here. Not for a long while."
"What? Why?"
"You need to keep up with your local news, superstar," when Beca remained confused, she leaned in and went on, "Ricki got pinched in a raid two nights ago."
"She what?!" Beca asked in shock.
"Oh yeah, lucky for people like you she's a loyal one. Flushed her phone as soon as they showed up. Keeping your name out of the papers," she scoffed, "For that anyway."
"Shit," Beca muttered as the drinks were placed on the bar top in front of her, then said it harsher, "Shit!"
"No, you wanna hear the real shit?" she asked, "Day before it happened, she got a visitor. Told her not to sell to you no matter what. Ricki told her off, next day like magic, cops bust down her door."
Beca felt her heart start to pound. It couldn't be. But it had to be. No one else would have a reason to. Angela was cutting her off from all sides.
"Fuck, Des, I didn't know," she gripped a fistful of her own hair for a moment and stared at the drinks for a second, before looking up and turning to sharply to Desiree, "Listen, do you have anything on you?"
She only got a laugh in response.
"You don't get it," she started with a laugh, "Words out in the crowd. No one's giving your name, but sure as hell ain't anyone coming near your business. ShortStuff, you're officially blacked out."
"What?! No, Des, Des, come on. You know me, ok? You know me. I'll give you double for it, come on. Triple even. No one has to know," she could hear how pathetic she sounded as she basically begged the woman, "Please help me out. Please. Nobody will know."
"Aw, precious. I like you, I really do," she actually sounded genuine, "But not enough to take that risk. I'm looking out for me and mine. I'm sorry."
"Des, don't- "she tried again but the woman was already walking away and Beca slammed her fist against the bar, "Damn it!"
The shock of pain traveled up her arm and she shook out her hand before grabbing both drinks and throwing them back one after the other. She let out a cough after swallowing and signaled for two more from the bartender. She leaned her elbows on the bar and held her head in her hands, pulling at her hair to excise the mess of emotions running through her.
Calm down.
She had to calm down.
By the time the drinks came she'd nearly convinced herself it would be ok.
It would be fine.
She was fine.
"Fuck," she said one last time and then took some deep breaths and smoothed down her hair to look presentable again. Confident enough that she looked calm, Beca grabbed the glasses and went back to the booth.
"There you are," Chloe said happily, "Thought you'd taken off on me."
"Sorry, bar was busy."
Chloe took the drinks from her and put them on the table, "Well, now you have to give me that dance as penance."
Beca grabbed one of the glasses and drank it in one burning swallow, before grabbing Chloe's hand, "Lead the way."
They found a spot on the dance floor and stood close to each other. Before anything else though, Chloe moved some hair behind Beca's cheek and looked in her eyes.
"Are you all right?"
"Of course," she answered easily, "Why?"
"No reason I guess," Chloe said, trying to ease the sudden feeling tickling at her brain when she looked at Beca, "Just making sure nothing's wrong."
Beca pulled her close so their hips were flush against each other and raised an eyebrow for good measure.
"What could be wrong?"
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