A/N: Hey! Heeeey! I'm here!

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Ch. 15

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Waking up felt like she had been crawling through mud for hours. Her muscles felt sore and her joints stiff. It seemed to take all her effort to open her eyes and figure out what the hell was going on. The last thing she remembered clearly was having lunch with Chloe. What in the world happened?

She blinked a few times to clear away the fuzzy edges surrounding everything. Once it was clear, she zeroed in on the only touch of color in the area; the red hair standing near the window of the room.

"Chl- "she had to stop mid-word as the gravel danced around in her dry throat.

However, before she could try again, it was clear the sound had already done the job of getting Chloe's attention and the other woman turned around.

"Hey," Chloe greeted softly, "How are you feeling?"

Beca squinted a moment as she took mental stock of herself before answering.

"Like shit," she answered and looked down at herself for the first time. She lifted her hand to look at the IV needle taped to the back of it and dropped it down with a flop, "What happened?"

Chloe wrapped her arms around herself and looked down as she spoke, "You tell me."

Beca blinked; surprised by the response and noticed that Chloe hadn't come any closer. That felt wrong.

"Uh," she started awkwardly, "I remember having lunch. It's kind of a blur after that. Was there an accident or something?"

Chloe cleared her throat and met Beca's eyes, having steeled herself before speaking, "They don't give you methadone for accidents, Beca."

"Metha- wait," Beca pushed herself to sit up, feeling panic bloom in her chest, "Wait, I can – "

"Explain?" Chloe finished for her, "Good, 'cause that's what I'm hoping. I'm hoping you can explain why the doctors are treating you for withdrawal. Because if that's true, it would mean you've been hiding a serious addiction this whole time," Chloe paused to take a breath as her emotion began to overtake her words, "So, go ahead please. Explain."

Beca swallowed the dry lump in her throat and tried to find the words.

"I…" she started, then, unable to look Chloe in the eye, looked at her lap, "I guess that's it then."

Chloe's eyes narrowed, "What?"

"I mean it's over, right?" she continued, "I don't expect you to hang around now. I don't blame you or anything."

Chloe felt torn. Wanting to comfort Beca and shake the hell out of her at the same time.

"Beca," she shook her head, "I don't want to, ugh, this is a big deal. This is serious. You're in the hospital because you've been lying to me this whole time! I just…how long has this been going on?"

Beca kept her eyes down and started picking at the blanket, reminiscent of the way she'd been plucking it during her fevered state.

"Long time," she mumbled.

Chloe chuckled humorlessly, recalling a conversation from what felt like a lifetime ago. Jesse had told her, and she had dismissed him as buying into baseless rumors.

"Ok," she rubbed her eyes and finally moved to sit in the bedside chair, but still keeping space between them, "What was it? What have you been taking?"

Beca shrugged, "Pills, mostly. Some other stuff now and then. Things to pull me up, bring me down. Make me numb. Make me feel. Anything to get through it. Make me feel human for a few minutes."

Chloe clenched her jaw and tried to hold back the tears that threatened behind her eyes. A question that needed answering pushing its way forward in her mind. She opened her mouth to ask but fear of the answer stopped her. Instead choosing another.

"So, the withdrawal," she began, "you stopped?"

Beca nodded and finally dared to lift her eyes, "Yeah."

"Why?" she asked, "What made you decide to?"

Beca considered her answer carefully. She knew what Chloe wanted her to say. She could read it all over her face. It would be so easy to give it to her. Just say the words 'Because of you. For you.' But it wouldn't entirely be true, and she'd been lying to her for so long. She deserved the truth.

"I ran out," she admitted; forcing herself not to look away as she said it. Forcing herself to watch the disappointment crash over her face like a heartbreaking in real time. She made herself face it; knowing she caused it.

Chloe closed her eyes and nodded.

"Ok," she whispered. Inhaling through her nose and standing, "Ok."

"Chloe, I'm sorry."

Chloe shook her head and waved a hand through the air, cutting away Beca's apology before it could reach her.

"I'm, uh, I'm going to go," she declared, "I'll be back, I just…I need to go," she sniffed and hurried to leave. At the door she paused, and that flashing question came again, this time she had no choice but to give it voice, "Were you ever high while you were with me? At any time that we were together; were you on them?"

Beca rolled her lips inward and her lack of response was all the answer Chloe needed. She nodded again to herself and left. Beca didn't try to stop her. How could she? Chloe had every right to run away and never look back.

Damn it!

She knew this would happen as soon as it came out. Of course, it would. Of all the ways she thought Chloe would learn about it, she never thought it would be because she had stopped.

How the hell was that for irony?

As the door closed, officially leaving Beca alone, she fell back against the bed and covered her face with her hands.

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Chloe burst into Aubrey's office without bothering to call or knock, startling the woman at her desk. She took in the state of her and immediately knew it was serious.

"Stace, I'll call you back," she hung up the phone and stood up; rounding her desk to approach her distressed friend, "What's wrong? Is Beca ok?"

"No," she shook her head and started pacing.

"Wha- I thought they said she'd be ok?"

"She's not ok!" she argued, still pacing, "Drugs, Aubrey. She's been using drugs this whole time! She's addicted. That's why she got so sick. I just- ugh – I can't believe it. I mean, this whole time, I…"

Chloe stopped talking and halted her movements when she realized Aubrey hadn't reacted at all. She looked at her and saw the look on her face. Like Chloe was the last one in the room to learn a secret and everyone felt bad for her.

"Aubrey?"

With a sigh, Aubrey finally spoke, "Chloe…I know. Everyone knows. It's probably the worst kept secret out here. I mean, the rumors have never been quiet."

"Yeah, rumors, Bree. Why would I give them a thought? Jeez, people actually thought I was dating Chicago because of rumors, for God's sake. You know how true that was," she argued, "If you knew for sure why wouldn't you- "

"Tell you?" she asked with a scoff, "Would you have believed me? If I remember correctly, I warned you about her before and after you let her pull you into bed."

"Don't! Ok? Don't! I already told you, I pursued her," Chloe said; her eyes widening at a realization that was suddenly so clear, "Oh God. She kept telling me she wasn't good for me. I thought it was just some insecurity…God she was practically holding a sign!"

She pushed her hand through her hair, feeling like an idiot.

"Alright, let's calm down," Aubrey put her hands on Chloe's shoulders, "Calm down, it's going to be fine. It's not too far in, ok? I'll draw up a statement. Keep it vague on details. We'll just say you guys tried but were too different to work as a couple. You'll be fine."

Chloe's brows lifted in confusion at the words.

"Break up?" she asked for clarification.

Now Aubrey was the one looking at her like she was crazy.

"Of course, wh- "she paused, "You're not thinking of staying with her, are you? After this? I mean, come on, Chloe. I kept my mouth shut because she made you happy and hadn't done anything to hurt you but come on. You said it yourself; she's an addict."

"I know!" she whined, "I just need to think. I need to think. I mean, she can get better. She can. People do it all the time. She can get better, Aubrey."

"People who want to," she said, "For as long as this talk has been going around, Beca's been doing this for years, Chloe. Who knows how long exactly? If she wanted to stop, she would have by now."

Chloe wiped her face, everything warring inside her.

"I need to think," she repeated again, "I have to go."

"Chloe don't- "she tried to grab her wrist to stop her, but Chloe just shook her off and left; not finding the comfort she thought she would there.

She didn't know what she wanted to hear that would make her feel better, but whatever it was, she wouldn't get it there. She should've expected as much. Aubrey had never hidden her feeling about Beca.

But was she right?

Did Beca even want to get better?

She'd said it herself: she stopped because she ran out and apparently couldn't get any more for whatever reason. If that hadn't been the case, would Beca have ever come clean? Would she have ever tried to stop?

It was one of many questions flying around her head as Chloe got in her car and just sat there, staring at nothing while tears fell.

Should she do what Aubrey suggested?

Should she just walk away from this? From Beca?

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A nurse opened the door to check on Beca's fluids and take her temperature but was surprised to see her patient out of bed and going through the cabinets around the room.

"Are you looking for something?"

Beca looked over her shoulder, "Where are my clothes?"

"You should be resting. Come on, let's get you in bed."

"I can rest at home," she declared, returning to her search, "I need clothes."

"Ma'am, lets just get you back in bed and the doctor will be by shortly to talk to- "

Beca banged her fist against the wall.

"I don't want to get in bed!" she yelled, "I don't want to talk to the doctor. I don't want to be here! I want my fucking clothes!"

"You need to calm down, or I'll have to sedate you."

"I told you what I need!"

"Beca, stop," the voice came behind the nurse, announcing to both women that Chloe had returned; having spent the last hour sitting in the parking lot.

Beca felt her anger deflate when her eyes fell on Chloe. Embarrassed at being caught so emotionally unraveled, she put her arms around herself and shifted her weight between her bare feet. She noticed how the nurse took a protective stance between her and Chloe, a hand stretched out behind her to keep her back. As if she thought Beca would hurt her, if she only knew she'd already done that.

"What's going on?" Chloe asked, "Why are you yelling?"

"Ma'am, please step outside until the doctor can come and assess," the nurse suggested.

"No, it's ok," Chloe answered, "She won't hurt me. Right, Beca?"

She sat the shameful look on Beca's face after hearing her choice of words. Looking to the nurse again, she assured, "We're fine."

The woman sighed and relented, seeing that Chloe had effectively calmed Beca down, "Try to get her back in bed. She should be resting."

Chloe agreed and waited until after the woman left, with a promise that she'd be back after giving them a few minutes, to step further into the room.

Silence hovered between them for a few moments before Chloe accepted she would need to speak first.

"What were you doing?" When Beca didn't respond right away, Chloe sighed, "Beca."

"Why'd you come back?" she asked suddenly, looking down at the tile beneath her feet.

"Do you want me to leave?" Chloe hoped she'd kept the hurt from her voice.

Beca looked up at her then.

"I just didn't think you would."

"I said I would," she reminded her, "I'd hope by now that you'd know I'm not a liar."

Beca cleared her throat, "Not like me, you mean."

"That's not what- "Chloe cut herself off with a groan; taking a breath to keep herself in check, "Just get in the bed please, so we can talk."

Beca shifted her weight a moment, hesitating before going over and sitting on the edge of the bed. Focusing how her feet hung above the floor. Chloe nodded to herself, recognizing that Beca was giving her the power in the conversation.

"Ok," she began, trying to decide how to start. This was something she'd never done before after all, "Obviously, there's a lot to talk about. So, I'm just going to say first off…Beca, I love you."

She saw the look on Beca's face. A look that reminded her too much of the one she'd seen all those nights ago sitting on her apartment steps. When Beca had repeatedly told her, she shouldn't feel anything for her.

"No, listen, I do," she said with certainty before Beca could argue, "And I don't want this to end. That's the last thing I want, but…"

Beca swallowed, "But?"

"But this is…this is something I can't stand by and ignore," she continued, "You said you stopped because you were out. If you hadn't…Do you want to stop?"

"I don't know," Beca answered honestly, "Sometimes."

Chloe took another breath, again not getting the answer she longed for.

"What, um, why did you start? Was it pressure or-or curiosity?"

Beca bristled at the thought, "What does it matter?"

Chloe huffed in disbelief, "Of course it matters. Something opened this door and if you ever want to get better, you have to know what it was."

"I don't want to talk about it, Chloe," she tried to deflect and after a beat found herself continuing, "I can't talk about it. It won't change what hap- "

She stopped herself and ran her hands over her face. Instead focusing on a different question.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked after a moment. Her voice not combatant or accusatory; more like, desperate, "Tell me."

"Beca, I just want what I've wanted from the beginning," she said softly, "You. You healthy and happy. Just you. But with this, it doesn't matter what I want. It matters what you want. What do you want?"

Beca gripped the mattress on either side of her legs. Before she'd met Chloe, that question was never one she had to answer. Before Chloe, she could barely remember being asked what she wanted. There was always someone just telling her what she should do; what she should want.

But Chloe, it seemed, was always asking her what she wanted. She always gave Beca that power for herself. And since she had, Beca had allowed herself to think about things she actually wanted. It turned out; she wanted a lot.

She wanted to forget so many things that happened before.

She wanted a break.

She wanted a life she didn't constantly need to escape from.

She wanted those days and nights and morning with Chloe.

She just wanted

"You," Beca said out loud, looking into Chloe's eyes and praying she believed that this, above all else, was the truth.

Chloe gave her a small, soft smile. She brought the chair close enough to take one of Beca's hands.

"Then you have to make a choice, babe," she said gently, "What are you going to do?"

Beca looked down at their joined hands and took a deep breath.

"I'm gonna talk to the doctor."

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