Chapter 9
The night after Sir Integra told Alucard, Seras, and Akiko about her plan to locate the Yokai, they were all called into her office again. Sir Integra looked at her three best agents and announced, "We've had a Yokai sighting. If possible, I want Alucard or Seras to capture them." The Lady Knight turned her computer screen around and showed them a three second video of a man touching his head and transforming into a rather small raccoon before running away. "Tanuki," Akiko said, "A trickster and shapeshifter. They're very difficult to deal with. They have leaves that allow them to access their powers, if they touch the leaf to their heads, they can turn into anything they set their mind to, among other powers, such as possessing people."
"How dangerous are they?" Sir Integra asked. Akiko said, "Well, they're really not… Generally. Unless you make them angry. They're no more dangerous than the average human, as long as you don't make them angry then they won't have much reason to hurt you; but there are some psychos out there, just like people." Sir Integra nodded, "So, the plan is to capture this tanuki alive and try to interrogate him, maybe get him on our side. However, if he is dangerous to humans, you are authorized to terminate him with extreme prejudice. The helicopter is waiting to take you to Smithsfield, where the video was taken." Alucard bowed low and said, "As you wish, my Master." Seras and Akiko saluted, and they all marched off and got into the helicopter.
For this mission, Seras left her Harkonnen Cannons behind and was armed with two smaller guns, two .50 Desert Eagles. Akiko only carried her Montgomery handgun, while Alucard carried his two guns as usual. "Miss Itto," Alucard asked, "Tell us more about tanuki's. Can our weapons kill them?" Akiko nodded, "If you can hit them you can kill them. However, they are masters of illusion even more than the average kitsune. They can also possess humans, and they are vicious fighters when cornered. Also…" the kitsune started to blush and Alucard said, "What is it?" Akiko took a minute and finally said, "Well, they have very large…testicles. Huuuuuggggeeee!" She spread her arms out wide and Seras and Alucard stared at her. "You're kidding!" Seras said. Akiko shook her head, "In their true form, their testicles are so big that they can knock you out or even kill with them." Even Alucard had what could only be called a dumbfounded expression on his face at this information.
They made the rest of the trip silently, and Alucard grabbed Akiko before jumping down from the helicopter with Seras jumping down after them. Alucard and Seras slowed their descents with their telekinesis, and Alucard set Akiko down once they were on the ground. Akiko sniffed the air; she knew how a tanuki smelled. "I smell our tanuki," she told her companions, "I think that he's in a pub. Tanuki's like their drink." Seras and Alucard nodded, keeping their guns out of sight as they made their way through the town. Seras and Akiko got looks of appreciation from a lot of men and some women, but when they saw Alucard with them they gave the trio a wide berth. The three of them stopped outside of a pub called 'Kingfisher'.
Akiko smelled the air, "The booze and fried fish masks it, but he's in there. Look, we need to go about this peacefully. Tanuki aren't evil, but they are not creatures you want for your enemy. If we can get him on our side, then we'll have a good ally." Alucard asked, "How do we do that?" Akiko took a minute and said, "If you can defeat him in a contest, I think you can get him on your side." Alucard nodded, "Very well, lead me to this tanuki creature." The trio went into Kingfisher and Akiko pointed to a man in the bar. He looked like a rotund Japanese businessman in an undone grey suit, who seemed to have the rapt attention of an attractive blonde lady who looked way out of his league.
Alucard walked up and took the seat beside the tanuki in disguise and said, "Hello, friend." The tanuki looked at Alucard and Alucard said, "Let's not make this any uglier than it needs to be." The tanuki smiled at this, "Oh? Well then, if that's so, why not ask the blonde girl to sit next to me instead?" Alucard took off his hat, "Because it's me you'll be dealing with. My Master doesn't want a mess, she'd prefer you alive. Although, I've learned there are a number of things that are… not quite lethal." The tanuki got a serious look on his face then, "Alright, then, we'll do this my way. We'll do shots. We start with…vodka. After three shots we'll play Jan-Ken-Pon, what you English speakers call 'Rock-Paper-Scissors.' We play until someone wins three times, changing the liquor per round. You agree?" Alucard smiled, "Agreed. I'll buy the first round. Barkeep!"
Alucard put some £50 notes and told the bartender, "Six shots of vodka, three for me and my companion here. Smirnoff brand." The bartender nodded and poured the shots. Alucard and the tanuki drank their three shots of vodka and the tanuki said, "Now: Jan! Ken! Pon!" Alucard and the tanuki made their signs: first round went to the tanuki, paper covers rock. The tanuki smiled, "Alright, I'll buy the second round. Hey Charlie!" The bartender, Charlie, turned to him, "What'll it be, Mr. Goro?" The tanuki, 'Mr. Goro', said, "Six shots of Jameson whiskey, three for me and three for my friend here." The bartender nodded and made the shots. Again, Alucard and 'Mr. Goro' drank, and Alucard said, "Jan! Ken! Pon!" Round two again went to 'Mr. Goro', scissors cuts paper.
Mr. Goro smiled, "You're making this too easy for me. How about we make this more interesting. I saw you walking in with the two lovely girls earlier. Let me leave with the blonde one when I win the third round, and I'll go wherever you want to go." Seras heard this and immediately appeared in front of him, "Like Hell am I being sold off like some tart!" Alucard said, "Agreed." Seras looked at him and Alucard looked back at her. Akiko could feel the tension between them, but Seras quietly walked away. "Are you alright? Maybe there's another way?" Akiko asked. Seras shook her head, "Master has something up his sleeve. He's many things, but he's not the kind of man to gamble a woman's freedom away." Akiko wasn't sure as she saw Alucard order six shots of Beef Eater gin.
The two 'men' drank and 'Mr. Goro' said, "Jan! Ken! Pon!" This time, Alucard was the victor, rock breaks scissors. Mr. Goro laughed, "Finally, a challenge." For the fourth round, Mr. Goro ordered Kraken black rum. The two combatants drank, and Alucard yelled, "Jan! Ken! Pon!" To the surprise of the Hellsing agents, Alucard once again won the round, paper covers rock. Mr. Goro now was really sweating, and Alucard smirked at him, "A deal's a deal. I win then you come along peacefully. You are a man of your word, aren't you?" Mr. Goro nodded, "Last round. We'll be drinking Everclear. Can you handle it?" Alucard smiled, "Certainly." They ordered the Everclear, and Alucard actually looked nervous. Akiko saw that he was actually swaying a little as he drank the first two shots.
Mr. Goro was in the same state, they had drunk more than any single human could without throwing up. Akiko didn't know how much a vampire could drink, but she doubted they could drink as much as Alucard had without it affecting them. Mr. Goro cursed, "Shīné!" and finished his last shot, just as Alucard did the same. "Now, Jan! Ken! P-" They were interrupted when Alucard's fist shot out and clocked Mr. Goro right in the jaw with a loud, "POW!" Mr. Goro went down like a sack of bricks and Alucard picked him up. "Let's go!" he told the shocked ladies, and they left with their prey before anyone could stop them, quickly ducking into a dark alley.
"That didn't go how I thought it would," Akiko said. Alucard smiled, but then swayed and had to lean on a wall. Alucard puked all over the side of the wall and kept puking for a good five minutes. "I'm never going to drink that much again. Vampires aren't meant for it," he said before grabbing Mr. Goro and his companions and teleporting immediately to the Hellsing Mansion.
Author's Note: NEVER! DRINK! LIKE! THIS! It is impossible, you WILL get sick and puke, and have a massive hangover, if you're lucky. If you're not, you could literally overdose on alcohol and need to go to the Hospital or die. Please drink responsibly.