I made the journey to the 104th Southern Division by myself. Most kids travel there themselves, because the travel fare is not cheap, and if they have a parent there with them, they may never want to let go. They may just forget why they're there in the first place at all. As much as my parents hate me, and as sick as their company left me feeling, I'm not certain I wanted to let go. I would've loved to have them here in the horse-drawn carriage with me, just to serve as one last reminder that the reality I'm leaving behind was ever even real. In this carriage alone, on my way to a place where I can completely start over because no one knows who I am, I feel as if my old life never truly existed. Despite that, the nerves and fear that course through my veins leave me shaking as if I were amid a blizzard.
I finally arrived at the division and saw dozens of teens aged fifteen and up assemble into long, endless lines. I could tell that these kids were extremely nervous. Their faces were red and green from the nerves in their stomachs, their backs were so straight you'd think their spines were snapped into place, and they avoided eye contact with any and everything. While the nervous energy surrounding me added to my already growing anxiety, I also felt a sense of relief. I'm not the only scared one, we're all scared.
I looked around at the kids cramped beside me, focusing on everyone, trying to get a sense of why any of them were here. Everyone couldn't have been forced to join like me, which means that these kids are willingly donating their bodies to whatever cause the kingdom needs them to fulfill. It was almost admirable.
I caught sight of a blonde boy with a bowl cut, and he looked ready to shit his pants, but determined to prove himself worthy. Another boy with long, brown locks and the most green, vibrant eyes I've ever seen looked extremely furious. He must have something personal against the titans. I continued to scan the crowd until a tall, loud man with a striking appearance began going around yelling at everyone demanding information from them. I could feel the heat and spit from his breath as he approached, before finally stopping in front of me.
"What's your name, you weak, useless cadet!" he shouted into my ears like a banshee. I couldn't help but laugh in my mind at the fact that he already knew I was useless, and I didn't even have to do anything yet. Oh, how I hope my mother was right about the garrison being good for nothing drunks. At least then I wouldn't be disappointing anybody, because uselessness is expected of them.
"Mahala Dinan, Sir!" I shouted back loudly, matching his octave. I'd heard other cadets yelling too as he talked to them, which only prompted him to get louder, but he seemed to approve of the excessive volume.
"I've never seen someone of your race before. Where are you from, Useless?" he asked me curiously with squinted, sunken eyes and a head tilt.
"I'm from right here in Wall Rose, Sir! My race is rare, but this is my homeland! Where else could I possibly be from, Sir!" I shouted. I take offense when people question where I'm from as if I'm some exotic animal. Where else could I possibly be from, if not from within these suffocating walls that you can't seem to get beyond?
He jerked me up by the collar of my new uniform and squeezed the fabric into my bent neck until it felt as if it were slicing my nape.
"Watch your damn tone when you talk to me, you fucking idiot!" he screamed into my face, with his saliva flying into my mouth and eyes. Disgusting.
"Yes, sir," I said glumly. At this point, I just wanted him to remove his hands from me and get out of my face. Once again, the insults of my mother and father have followed me to a new destination. I guess I really am destined to be nothing. Some things never change.
After he finishes harassing the cadets, the officers in charge take it upon themselves to explain how the training will work. They tell us of the three groups into which a cadet can be graduated, the military police, the garrison, and the scouts.
The military police were the peacekeepers of the interior walls. They got to call some of the shots. They announced that only the top ten in the division would be eligible for spots in the military police, and I immediately stopped listening after that. That'll never be my reality.
The garrison is the lads who maintain and guard the wall. Aside from the attack on Wall Maria two years ago, the garrison received zero action or excitement, so they drink their workdays away and are essentially useless. That's exactly where I belong.
Last but never least, are the Scouts. The Scouts are the explorers of the land, that sacrifice the absolute most of everyone in the kingdom looking beyond the walls for more answers to the mysteries of the titans. The absolute bravest and elitist warriors we have are among the Scouts. Commander Erwin, Captain Levi, Hange Zoe, all legends, belong to the scouts.
I remember hearing stories and news about them. Erwin Smith was braver than anyone, Hange was smarter than anyone, and Levi was stronger than anyone. I always favored the tales about Levi, presumably because I'm so weak and love to live vicariously through his strength. It's almost a relief I'll never know him because I have a fantasy in my mind that the Captain would find me worthy and... love me.
It's stupid, I know.
I walk to the mess hall where the cadets gather for meals. When I enter, a large crowd has circled around the table of the furious brunette boy from earlier. I walk over to see what's so interesting and intriguing. I have to shove my way through the crowd to listen in because I'll be damned if I'm left out of the loop. Not here, not in this new life. I refuse to be treated as if I'm invisible.
"Hey! What are you guys talking about?" I inquired. A raven-haired Asian girl shoots me a fierce glance as if she has a problem with me already. I really can't outrun the hate, no matter where I am.
The brunette looks up at me with his impossibly green eyes and for a moment, he completely pauses, gazing intensely into my eyes with his mouth parted slightly, as if he wants to speak but can't find the words to say. Or the breath to say it. I begin to feel uncomfortable, because usually when people stare at me in this manner, it's because they can't believe how ugly I am. Tears begin to swell in my eyes as I remember the pain of the past, and I turn to walk away to save myself from the embarrassment of history repeating itself.
A heavy hand grabs my arm and swings me around.
"I am Eren Yeager! My mother was killed in the Titan attack at Wall Maria, and I will avenge her death by joining the scouts and destroying every single titan until there's not even one left!" he shouted. I admired his passion. I thought he was way in over his head, and a bit too theatrical, but passionate none the less.
He explained to me how his mother was trapped under their house, and how he could only sit there and watch as her life was swallowed away. His anger and grief were still very raw and strong, which leads me to believe that trauma like that doesn't ever get better. If it did, he wouldn't be here shouting threats that he would realistically never adhere to.
My heart filled with pity for him as he told me of the close bond he had with his mother, and how moments before she died, he'd ran away from her in anger. He lives with that regret every day. I don't know why he's chosen to confide in me such personal information, but I don't mind it at all. I find it intriguing to hear how his mother loved him because I've never experienced a mother's love.
Eren's story got me thinking. He knows what he's here for. His friends know what they're here for. Everyone here knows what they're here for. They're here to avenge lost loved ones, here to fight for friends way in over their heads, or are here to fight for themselves and their right to never live afraid of being alive. I'm here because my mother that never loved me said she'd be even more disgusted with me than she ever was if I decided to give up on myself and become a 'slum rat'. My purpose pales in comparison to every other purpose, as per usual, and I can't help but feel ashamed in myself for not wanting better for myself.
Not because my mother would hate me even more, not because everyone here has valid reasons to be here, but because I was willing to settle for being run by the streets, and being a drunk wall keeper so long as nobody expected anything from me. Do I not expect anything from me?
"You would have a chance to meet people beyond this little corner of the world. You may even change it." I remember my mother saying. I may even change the world, but I can't do it slumped against a wall day in and day out while life passes me by. Change is beyond Wall Rose, change is beyond the walls regardless. Change is within the Scouts.
"Do you really think you could kill every titan, Eren?" I asked him innocently. I didn't know what his response would be.
"I don't know, but I'll die trying. The only death worth dying is perishing taking one of those sons of bitches with you. That's what we're here for, right?" He spat out while staring into my eyes. From that moment on, I felt a shift in my game plan. For the first time, I thought I was capable of much more than the garrison. Eren's passion made me feels so confident, that I almost felt I was worthy enough to ride within ten thousand feet of Captain Levi. I knew I was worthy.
That's exactly what we're here for, Eren. That's exactly it.