Sean behaved during dinner. Flirting only mildly, as he does with EVERYONE. I relaxed, but there were tense moments. Like when we both reached into the delivery bag for the food, our hands touching and I had to force myself to ignore the twist in my stomach at the contact, and also fight jumping away like I'd been burned. Or when he handed me my utensils and his fingers slid along mine. I felt like I'd touched a hot burner.

Once dinner was over, and Sean finally said goodnight, I walked into our bedroom and gave a long sigh. I felt Norman come up behind me, his arms finally wrapping around me from behind. I leaned my head back against his chest and felt some of my tension relax.

"Wanna talk about it?" His breath brushed the top of my head. "Might help to get it out."

I turned in his arms, feeling more tension build. What if I told him, warts and all what was bothering me and he got pissed and left me? Could I live without him, now, after finally letting him in? I pressed my face into his chest and breathed him in. This was Norman. He loved me and he was the most reasonable person I knew. I could trust him. He knew about Sean and me. I sighed again and pulled him to the bed.

"Lie down with me and hold me and I'll try to tell you." I offered, sitting down and pulling him with me. We laid back on the pillows and turned to face one another. His hand felt comforting on my hip. I closed my eyes to steady myself, and then blew out a breath. "I'm scared of telling you." I whispered. Opening my eyes to see him smile at me.

"Don't be." His hand tightened on my hip. "I'm not going anywhere."

I felt my heart lurch, and my hand cupped his cheek. "You can't promise that, Norman." I whispered, heart clenching with fear. "You can't promise to not leave when you haven't heard what I'm going to say. And that terrifies me." I closed my eyes against the thought of the pain I'd experience if he left me.

He touched my cheek, forcing me to open my eyes again. "Jessa, I'm here. I want you to tell me." He brushed his lips against my forehead. "I love you, baby, tell me."

I tried to smile, but knew it was too forced, so dropped it. "OK, here goes." I forced myself to keep my eyes on his as I told him about the scene, the entire thing, leaving nothing out. I told him how I felt when Sean kissed me, how it felt when he thrusted against me, what he'd whispered. I told him everything, and the tears that I held back, that I convinced wouldn't happen fell. His thumb was brushing them away, but I kept going. Warts and all. "I don't understand why I feel this NOW?"

He chuckled and pulled me into his chest. "Aw, baby, because I think," he kissed my forehead and cradled me tight. "I think that you're finally realizing how you felt about him all along." He shushed me trying to argue against it. "No, listen, Jessa. I think you've been telling yourself all along that you and Sean had a fling. That it wasn't serious, that you did the right thing leaving and not saying goodbye." I felt another kiss, this time on the top of my head. "You admitted to me that you didn't let people spend the night, right?" I shrugged. "You let him. That was a pretty big step for you. I don't think you want to admit what you felt for him, what you still feel for him." I tensed up in his arms. "It doesn't make what we have any less powerful, Jessa, it doesn't." I looked up at him and he was still smiling at me, soothing me. "I love you, and I know you love me. We just have to work through this, you have to work through this." I started to cry again. "I'm not leaving, baby, I'm going to be with you every step of the way."

I let my head collapse onto his chest again. Sniffling, I considered what he was saying. Did I have more feelings for Sean than I wanted to admit. I felt that clench in my stomach again, the thought of him of how his arms felt. Sighing, and fighting to regain some composure, I pulled away long enough to shift and press my ear against Norman's chest.

"So how do I work through it if I don't know what it is?" I listened to the steady rhythm of his heart beating against my ear, letting it calm me. His arms were around me and holding me tight to him.

"I think, the first thing you have to do is admit your feelings, babe." He sighed against me. "I'm not going to lie, it's going to suck, for both of us, but it has to happen."

My feelings? What were my feelings for Sean? I felt the flip in my stomach again. I thought about our time together in LA. About what we talked about, his insistence that he wanted his kids to meet me. That we'd be happy together. That he wanted to keep me. That I'd wanted that, so badly. That I wanted to have the picture he tried to sell me about our life together. I wanted so badly to believe that we could have it. But I had been terrified. Terrified of the backlash I'd get for ruining his marriage. Terrified that once we were together, the rebound glasses he was wearing during our time together would fall away and he'd regret it, and me. And when I saw his wife, and saw her looking miserable, I'd jumped on that as a way to stave off my own pain. Or to hasten it, so I could push through and pretend it wasn't there.

"I think I was in love with him." I realized, with a horrible flash. "I loved him and ran away because I KNEW that it wouldn't work."

I felt him give a sad chuckle. "Was in love with him?" He twitched under me and I looked up. His eyebrow was raised as though he would disagree with that conclusion. "And how did you know it wouldn't work?"

I glared at him, and his complete certainty that I was wrong on both counts. "Yes, WAS. I love you, Norman." He smirked at me and I rolled my eyes. "And I knew it wouldn't work for so many reasons."

"Name them." He dared, tracing my cheek with his thumb. "Tell me why you were so sure that being with him like this wouldn't work."

I squinted at him, trying to decide if he was just baiting me to get me in trouble. Then I remembered who he was and shrugged off the suspicion. "Fine. I knew it wouldn't work with Sean because the dream he was feeding me was a pipe dream at best. It wasn't based in reality. Not even an ounce of it." He was watching me intently waiting for more. "How could it? He wouldn't even let anyone know that they were separated, Norman. He didn't tell you for fuck's sake. How could I be with him, like this," I clutched at his sides, "if he couldn't even tell the people closest to him that his marriage was over?" I sighed again. "You know what his social media accounts are filled with? Photos and videos of them, the three of them as a family. His daughter too, but it's mostly the perfect family scene. Sean, his beautiful model wife, and two kids that look like the perfect miniature of their daddy. And not one of those photos or videos show a hint of drama or strife. Not even a spark of discord." I blinked away a tear at a memory I hadn't told anyone. "When I left, I had a wait at the airport, a LONG one. I was planning on unfollowing him, and I did, but then curiosity got the better of me. I hadn't really been on twitter or instagram that week, so I went back to the day we met. You know what was posted that day? A photo of the four of them, looking perfectly content, and it was taken that day. I know because he was wearing the same clothes I'd stripped off of him that night."

I felt Norman's arms tighten around me. "You left because you didn't trust what you felt for him. Not because you felt nothing, Jessa." His thumb was still on my cheek. "Then you pushed it ALL the way down. You ignored it, refused to even acknowledge it." His smile held. "You can't get over it if you pretend it doesn't exist, baby." He pulled me up so I was facing him on the pillow next to him. Giving me a gentle kiss, he pulled away. "That doesn't mean you don't love me, or that it isn't strong. It means that you still have feelings for him, and you never named those feelings. Besides, it's not unheard of to love more than one person at a time."

"I can't love him, Norman." I stubbornly decreed. "I can't, not because it's impossible. Not because it hurts, though it does, but because it's completely ridiculous." I shook my head at the mere thought of it. "He's not just unattainable for him, he's wrong for me. Loving him would be proving my mother right. She'd be right about my taste in men. She'd be right that I can't trust myself to find the right man. And if she's right about that, then what does that say about us?"

He nodded, finally understanding. "You're afraid that loving him and getting it wrong would mean we're wrong too?" I nodded. "Oh, baby, your mom was messed up." He kissed me again. "Loving Sean didn't prove her right. Honey, loving him meant you had the capacity to let someone in again. And me? That proves you have excellent taste." I laughed, knowing that was his aim. "Seriously though, you have to let someone in, Jessa. You have to, because you've held out for so long. You have to trust yourself, and I'm so fucking glad you did with me." His eyes blazed on mine. "I can't really tell you if leaving him was right or wrong. I can't be unbiased, since it got me here with you. I can tell you that holding back the information from him, that not telling him you love or loved him didn't help much. Because that led us to this." He nodded at my current predicament. "You've got to figure out what's going to get you past it. If you want to, that is?"

"Of course I want to." I grabbed his head between my hands. "You want me to, don't you?" I had to ask, had to confirm he still wanted me.

"Oh, baby, of course I want you to. I want you so much, but I can't make that decision for you." His hands went to mine, covering them and holding my hands against his face. "You need to make sure that I'm it, not me. I definitely want you to choose me, but he's one of my best friends. I don't want you to settle."

"Settle?" I scoffed and kissed him. "Being with you, loving you? That's not settling. You're amazing. And I love you so much it hurts." I smiled at him. "The good kind of hurt."

"Well, then I guess you have part of your answer." He was trying not to show me how much he was relieved that I was definitely happy with him. That he was my only choice. "Now you just have to figure out what it's going to take to move past Sean, for real this time."

I lay back on my own pillow, staring at the ceiling and tried to think what it would take. At least I had some peace, now that I knew that Norman was sticking with me. With him there, here, I could at least focus on what to do now.