Chapter 12

Carlisle POV

"You should go speak to Alice, privately," Edward said to me.

"Why?" I asked, surprised. Everyone else looked surprised, also.

He looked torn. He didn't want to tell on Alice, I was sure. "Her thoughts…"

"Tell me, Edward, I won't be angry with her," I said, and I meant it. Alice, like the rest of us, was going through some hard times.

He hesitated, and then said, "She… is blaming you… and I, but mostly you… for making our family leave Bella."

I was slightly hurt, but not at all angry. I already took that blame on myself. "Does Jasper have her under control?"

"Yes, but not for long. Once she is released, she will… wreak havoc."

Esme gasped. One of her pet peeves was teenage vampires destroying her pristine house. It's happened quite a few times before, and each time, the child was punished with a well-deserved—

"Ouch!" yelled Emmett. He was rubbing his upper-arm with a sad expression on his face. Apparently, Rosalie had smacked him, most likely out of aggravation about something he said. This happened often.

I had been too absorbed in my own thoughts to hear what Emmett had said. With a questioning glance from me, he said, guiltily, "All I said was that Jasper's going to have to watch out from now on. I was going to finish that statement by saying that she's not going to want any emotional assistance." He glared at Rosalie. "I didn't mean anything—"

"Well, you usually do," said Rosalie shortly.

"Okay!" I said, loudly, before continuing. "I need to go speak to Alice." But, as I said this, Alice and Jasper descended, this time much differently in their demeanor than the last time. Jasper's arms were wrapped around Alice's torso, and Alice was looking at the ground, not making eye contact with anyone.

"Alice, would you like to speak with me? Outside, perhaps?"

She made a little noise of consent and Jasper released her, concernedly. I followed her out the door and into the woods.

She stood still and quietly, afraid to begin.

"Alice, I want you to vent. You can't keep how you feel pent up; it's not good for you. I'm here, and I don't mind."

She looked at me for a moment before saying, "You made me leave Bella."

"I made everyone leave, not just you."

"You forced me to abandon my best friend! My sister!" Her voice was getting louder and if she could have cried, I'm sure she would have.

"On Edward's orders, Alice."

"Is he in charge now?"

"Bella is Edward's mate. Edward's. Not mine. Not yours."

"She needed me, Carlisle. She needed me then, and she certainly needs me now!"

"Then go to her, Alice. But only after you're finished. I need you to release this energy now, rather than later."

"You…" Her voice was getting softer again. "You did this. Her condition… It's your fault."

I tried to remain composed, but that one caused me immense pain. There was no denying it. The truth was so clear.

She watched as pain flashed across my face, and her expression softened. "You know it, too."

"I have known it since the day we retrieved her. One of the biggest mistakes of my life was making us leave."

"We shouldn't have left."

"I know."

"She needs us. She needs Emmett and Rosalie. She needs Esme. She needs Edward. She needs me. She needs you."

"I'm trying so hard, Alice—" My voice suddenly caught. I was just so overwhelmed. "I want her to come to me for support… I want her to see me as her… As her…"

"As her father," Alice finished. "And she will. I've seen it."

I looked at her hopefully, and she continued, "She will heal, Dad. But she needs our help—she needs your help."

We returned to the house, each of our minds cleared of a few stresses.

I suddenly had a whole new outlook on life. I could make this better.

Bella POV

I lay on Carlisle and Esme's bed, alone, for what felt like hours.

I've decided that I don't like being alone anymore, not after Alice and I's conversation. Bad thoughts went through my mind. My insecurities wouldn't disappear. Part of me wanted to return to the darkness, but the other part of me, the much smaller part of me, wanted to stay awake, to stay with my family.

They don't want you here. They left you. They only came back out of guilt. They feel bad; they think it's their fault that you're in this condition. You are such a burden.

But they do want me here. They said—

They lied. Isn't it obvious? They couldn't say they didn't want you here, because that wouldn't be "making it right".

They miss me.

Look at you. You're not. Worth. It.

They love me.

They don't.

The conflict was making me sick to my stomach. I ran to Carlisle and Esme's bathroom threw up everything that I had eaten and more. Since I had only eaten a bowl of applesauce, this was not a fun experience. Almost immediately, I sensed the presence of the family in the room with me. I released my grip on the toilet and tried to wave them away with one hand, but I was so weak that I fell over in the attempt. I blushed furiously as hands reached to pick me up, and I pushed myself away until I reached a wall.

They ignored my attempts and one of them picked me up anyway. I struggled weakly in their arms, but, naturally, they didn't release me. I didn't look to see who it was, but as we passed a mirror I saw it was Jasper. This was the first time I had seen myself completely in months. When Edward left, I had decided to never look in the mirror again.

My hair was very short. My skin was pasty and blotchy. I had lost nearly half of my weight, and my clothes hung loosely about my sickly form.

I only saw that image for a moment as Jasper was carrying me out of the bathroom, and it was too much. I clung to Jasper's shirt and buried my face in it and cried tearless sobs. My body refused to release tears because of my dehydration.

There was no way they could accept me looking like this, behaving like this. And yet… they were.

It's because they feel guilty, the bigger, insecure part of me said.

Even as he placed me on the bed and I released my grip of his shirt, I kept my eyes closed. I couldn't face them. My thoughts wouldn't allow it.

"Bella, open your eyes," whispered Edward's voice.

I did as I was asked, and saw that we were alone.

After a moment of just looking in each other's eyes, he asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

My lip trembled and I shook my head weakly.

"Please, Bella. I need to know what the matter is so I can help you."

I closed my eyes before answering, in a whisper, "I was lonely. And, as much as I want to believe it… part of me can't."

He seemed to understand me as nobody else could, just like always. "You will, in time." I opened my eyes to see a sad smile on his face. "Do you think you're up to eating again?"

I shook my head.

"Bella, you have to eat soon, or you know what will happen. Carlisle never goes back on his word."

I gulped. I guess I should eat, but an immovable part of me demanded that I be deprived of food.

"Trust me." Those words made my decision. I reached out my arms and he picked me up in a swift, gentle movement. Within seconds we were in the kitchen, where Esme was already preparing food. He kissed me on the cheek and left me alone with her.

She smiled at me and sat in front of me with a bowl of chicken noodle soup. She hesitantly pushed the bowl and spoon towards me. I felt so weak and unmotivated; I didn't want to do it myself. Looking down at the floor and blushing furiously, I asked softly, "Can you… please… do it again?" I looked up to see her reaction. She was beaming.

"Of course, sweetie," she said with a smile that seemed to light up the whole room.

I relished in the feeling once again of being taken care of. This was one of the moments that reminded me that I actually liked letting go, or "giving up" as the unrelenting part of me would say. It happens.

As I was eating, Esme asked me, gently, "Are you doing any better, honey? After you spoke to Alice?"

"Yes. I mean—" I took a deep breath. "My behavior. I'm having trouble keeping my emotions in check. If I can't control something… It's not her fault. It's not any of your fault. It's mine. I'm starting to understand that you're not doing this out of guilt, and that it's okay to let go and be taken care of. It's tough." My voice was slightly rough and incredibly weak. I was only starting to notice these things as I awoke from my deep, deep depression.

If I scared Esme or concerned her further, she was doing a very good job at hiding it. I was sure she knew I didn't want pity.

"It only makes sense," she said reasonably. "I know you're not used to feeling this way, and it probably scares you. But we're here, and we're going to help you. You're going to need to let your guard down further so that we can take care of you."

She saw the panic cross my face and placed her hand on my cheek. "It's going to be okay."

I had heard that one too many times. It was just so hard to believe. These last few months had been the worst of my life, and I couldn't imagine it getting any worse.

I looked into Esme's eyes. She was willing me to believe what she was saying.

I thought about Carlisle. About Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie. About Edward. They were each exhibiting behavior similar to Esme's. What if they weren't acting out of guilt? If that was true… My heart rose and a smile spread across my face. If that was true, then I would believe it, naturally. And it looked as if it was true.

I suddenly realized that since the moment I was rescued from the asylum, I was hoping with all of my being that I could believe it. Now that I could, my outlook on life brightened exceptionally.

Esme saw the resolve on my face and embraced me. "Oh, Bella. I told you it was true. I love you so much, my daughter."

My heart felt like it was expanding when I heard the word "daughter". This made me think of something I had considered for a while now. "Esme?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Yes, dear?"

"Can I call you… Mom?"

She pulled back and looked into my eyes. "Of course you can, sweetie. I want to be your mom, if you'd let me."

My eyes widened in surprise. I wanted this more than anything, so I replied, without hesitation, "I would love that."

She looked like I had made her dreams come true. I suppose, in a way, I had.

Carlisle appeared in the room. He approached Esme and I and looked at the nearly finished bowl of soup. "You're eating, Bella?" he asked in his doctor-like voice.

"Y-yes!" I tried to say simply while hiding the emotion in my voice from the moment between Esme and I.

He glanced between Esme and I, smiling. "Did anything exciting happen?" He asked, noting the new glow in both of our faces.

Esme took his hand. "I'm going to be her mom." The context sounded strange, but it wasn't awkward at all.

He smiled widely. "That's great!"

I suddenly felt bad and looked down. I knew I should ask him now to be my dad, but, as much as I wanted to, I was afraid.

He lifted my chin so I was looking at him. "Bella, would you like me to be your dad?"

I nodded.

He wordlessly hugged me, and I could feel all of the love and acceptance he felt for me. Esme joined in the embrace.

I was so happy that it was too much for my inexperienced system. I was savoring the feeling before I blacked out.