Chapter 13

Jasper POV

I was sitting on my bed with Alice, whispering in her ear what Bella was feeling in the other room. We were both ecstatic. Alice had known it was coming before anyone else had, but she had kept it to herself. She wanted them to be surprised. Bella was getting happier and happier as the minutes went by. I could sense that she finally was beginning to realize that we all really did love her and care about her. Her joy was inflated, as was Esme's, and, later, Carlisle's, when she asked if they would be her parents.

Alice, upon hearing their conversation, began bouncing up and down with joy. "This is just what she needs! Real parents, the first pieces of being part of our family!"

Alice's joy, on top of Bella's, Carlisle and Esme's, as well as Rosalie and Emmett's (who were listening, like us, in another room), was so much for me that I was nearly giddy. I couldn't stop smiling. But even my happiness couldn't be compared to Edward's. He was radiating joy and pride that could only be for his parents.

But, suddenly, it stopped.

It was like a chain effect; suddenly, Bella's joy disappeared to nothing, and Carlisle and Esme's joy vanished, as did Edward's when he read their thoughts. Rosalie and Emmett's joy disappeared upon hearing Esme's gasp of shock, and Alice's joy left at the look of mute horror on my face. She was off the bed in an instant, running to the kitchen with me at her heels. By the time we got there, the entire family was as well, but Carlisle had already accessed the situation.

"It's alright," he said, calmly. Bella was lying limp in his arms. "She just lost consciousness… again." Edward, like Carlisle, was relaxed. He must have seen Carlisle's reasoning, but we hadn't.

Alice was near the point of hyperventilation. "What happened?" I tried to calm her, but she pushed me away. "Stop it!" she said. I realized that she didn't want to be made to feel differently when it came to the subject of Bella ever again.

Carlisle maintained his serenity as he said, addressing everyone, "Bella has felt nothing but overwhelming hopelessness and misery for these past few months. It has left her in a certain… condition. Physically and emotionally. She is, clearly, malnourished and sleep-deprived. We have just reappeared in her life when she was convinced that this would never happen. Her actions have led us to the fact that she is… suicidal. We will need additional evidence before we confirm that she has changed that status.

"Furthermore, I have proof that her efforts to stop us have been in vain. Upon observance of Bella these past few days, I have come to the conclusion that she is torn. The dominant part of her is trained to either protect or punish herself when she thinks of us. She is so convinced that she doesn't deserve happiness. The smaller part of her, the part that continues to be overruled by this more dominant part, is desperate to be loved and to be cared for. Is this correct, Jasper?"

I had been listening intently, unconsciously agreeing with everything he was saying. Surprised at being addressed, I answered quickly, "Yes!" At their questioning looks at my immediate answer, I elaborated, "I was listening closely to what you were saying, Dad, and your observations are equivalent to mine." His eyes brightened and a small smile appeared on his face when I said "Dad". It was only the second or third time I had ever said it; I was the newest member of the family, apart from Bella, and it was still a big deal for me to put myself out there and address Carlisle and Esme as my parental figures.

"Excellent," he said, and by his emotions only I could hear the double meaning in his words. He glanced downwards at Bella. She looked more at peace than she had throughout her entire visit. As he gazed at her with a crease in his brow, he said softly, "I think we should lay her down."

Alice stepped forward. "Can we keep her down here? On the couch? Please, Dad?"

A small smile appeared on his face. "I suppose…" We followed him as he walked into the living room and placed Bella gently on the couch.

We would watch over her.

Bella POV

While I was unconscious, I had strange, powerful dreams. Dreams that contradicted everything that I was told, everything that I wanted so desperately to be true.

In my dreams, I was in the same situation I was in now. But it was different. I was laying on Carlisle and Esme's bed, alone. In the distance, I heard the voices of my family. They were speaking in loud voices about how insignificant and worthless I was. That they had only taken me in out of guilt. They only acted as if they wanted me in their family because they felt bad for me. They had left on purpose… But their purpose didn't work…

They must've thought I was asleep. Or maybe they wanted me to hear. I cowered at the venom in their voices. I needed to escape, I needed to—

I awoke, but I kept my eyes closed. I immediately felt guilty for having these dreams. All they were were my deepest fears condensed and concentrated into the smallest form possible. I knew the meaning of the dream was unimportant now, since, in reality, they all continually insisted upon it's falsehood, but that wasn't the worst part of it. The worst part was the affect the dream had on me.

The dream made me come to a realization that was the same one as many times before, but was different in its intensity.

I had the realization that none of this was their fault.

It was all mine.

Of course, I had had this realization before. This was the reason behind my earlier behavior. But, previously, there was always a small glimmer of hope, convincing me that there was a small possibility that this wasn't my fault, that they would take the responsibility for my predicament and take control, keep me safe, as they always had. As only they can.

But, somehow, my dream had finally convinced me otherwise.

I don't know why this dream was so much more intense than the others. I don't know why it has finalized my view on the situation. All I knew is that I needed to get out of there. Now.

I knew now that they were telling the truth. But I wasn't looking for pity. I didn't deserve it.

I didn't deserve them.

Why had I taken such advantage of them? Did I really confide in Alice and give in to Jasper's influence? Did I actually… ask Carlisle and Esme what I think I did? I had no right. No right at all.

I had to contain my emotions and I had to make quick decisions. Now wasn't the time to return to the void of no thoughts and no feelings, because I needed to think fast. All I could do was become numb as I had for Charlie until I got the perfect opportunity.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. I saw in my peripheral vision that they were all present. I knew what I had to do; I just didn't decide on how I was going to pull it off yet.

"Bella?" I heard Jasper ask uncertainly. Naturally, he would be the only one to know that something was off.

I stood up too fast and a head rush caused me to land on the floor. Oh no, I thought. How am I going to accomplish this when I'm so… weak?

Hands picked me up and carried me back to the bed almost immediately. I instinctually recognized the loving arms of Edward. I didn't permit myself to breathe in his scent; if I had, it would've been too hard to do what I knew had to be done.

Once back on the bed, I tried to slowly sit up. When I tried to stand up, Carlisle was suddenly at my side. "No, Bella. You need to rest."

I blushed with anger and embarrassment. "Carlisle. I'm not a child! I can take care of myself."

He looked at me with disappointment shining in his eyes. He must have thought that this was over after last night. My numbness faltered and I looked down guiltily. I felt bad that I had betrayed his hope that I was going to cooperate; I also felt bad that he thought I'd be his daughter from now on. A small part of me rose hopefully at the thought. I'd do anything, anything at all, to—but no. I couldn't. A tear fell down my face. I wished I hadn't had that dream. But it was fate.

Carlisle put his hand under my chin pulled my face up to meet my eyes. "Why are you crying?" he asked.

His concern made me cry freely. "I keep disappointing you," I said softly. "I keep disappointing everybody. I'm a walking, talking disappointment."

He shook his head with a smile. "You've never disappointed me. Your behavior is nothing but the result of others' choices."

He was wrong, and nothing anybody could say could convince me otherwise. I needed to follow through with my plan if I wanted to escape.

I closed my eyes so I couldn't see the reaction of the family to the words I was about to speak.

"May I use the phone?"

There was a pause.

"Why?" Carlisle asked slowly.

"To call my dad."

"Bella, he doesn't want you anymore," Alice said quietly.

My throat tightened with hurt. "Yes he does. I—I wanted to leave," I rasped. I was never a good liar.

There was silence before Esme said, "Bella, please don't call him. We don't want you to be hurt further."

I stifled back the tears that I knew would be released if I didn't act fast. "I m-miss him. I'd like to call him." Both were lies.

I lifted my eyes to glance quickly at Jasper, the family's personal lie-detector. He held my gaze and I knew he knew that not only was I lying, but that I had a plan forming. I shifted my head slightly to the side and back, trying to convey to him how much I needed to do this. They couldn't interfere.

His brows furrowed, and he said, while continuing to hold my gaze, "Bella, may I speak to you? Privately?" I knew it wasn't a question. It was almost a demand.

I stood up shakily, and Jasper was next to me in a flash, supporting me as we walked out the door. Once we were on the porch, he scooped me up and ran to the forest. "You'd have trouble walking on the rough terrain," he said.

He sat on the ground and held me on his lap. It wasn't awkward; it was normal for the family to treat me like this. I was, in truth, a weak human.

That thought brought on an onslaught of pain. His eyes widened in concern, and I tried to gain control of myself again before he questioned me. It was so much that the quickest thing I could do was slip into the numbness again, which was a good decision anyway because it would make it easier to fib without breaking down crying.

I hadn't thoroughly thought about Jasper's ability, though.

"What was that?" he asked, curiously.

"What was what?" I asked as if I didn't know.

"What were you thinking that made you feel that way just now?"

I couldn't tell him, because I didn't want him to know and because I didn't want to think about it again.

After a brief pause, I tried to change the subject. "What do you want to talk to me about, Jasper?" I knew what the answer was, and I realized that I couldn't tell him the truth about that either.

He sent me an assault of calm. I couldn't think straight.

"First… I want you to answer my question."

"What question?" I asked drowsily.

"What were you thinking that made you feel that way just now, as we were sitting down? You can tell me."

"I was thinking about… Um… I was thinking about how all I'll ever be is a weak human."

His eyes widened anxiously. "And why did you think that?"

"Because… You had to carry me and you all… You all always have done stuff like that."

He shook his head with exasperation. "You're not a weak human."

"Stop that," I slurred.

He looked surprised. "Stop what?"

"Stop lying to make me feel better."

He took a deep, unnecessary breath. "Okay. Bella, please explain to me… What's going on?" He lightened up on the heavy dose of calm.

"What do you mean?" I asked, avoiding his eyes.

"You know what I mean."

Oh, no! I thought. How can I avoid this? I can't think up a lie because he'll know it's a lie and get me to talk again with his mojo! I'm so pathetic; I will definitely spill my guts if he does do that.

All I could do was slip into the numbness. I tried, but Jasper stopped me. He shot me another heavy dose of calm, and I forgot about what I was doing.

He looked at my drooping eyes and shook his head exasperatedly with his mouth slightly open. He was speechless. When he could finally speak again, he said, "That scares me so much when you do that. It needs to stop. Now."

"I am… just… trying to… to…" I took a long, slow breath. "Hide my emotions…"

"I know you are," he said softly. "Will you answer my question now?"

I thought for a second. What did he ask me again?

"Bella." He brought my face upward so I could look at him, just like Carlisle had. "What's going on?" When I didn't answer quickly enough, he said, softer, "What are you hiding?"

"I wanna call Charlie."

"Why do you want to call Charlie?" he asked, patiently.

"Because… I wanna… call 'im and ask 'im to… to… come an' get me."

His mouth fell open but he quickly checked himself and closed it to hide his surprise.

"Do you want to go there?"

"No."

"Then why…"

"It's compli… compli…" I couldn't get the word out.

"Complicated." He finished for me with a frown. "Tell me. We have time."

And so I did, without much thought. I told him my dream and confided about the way it made me feel, about what I knew was true. He listened without interruption, although his eyes widened and his frown deepened as I went on.

He turned his eyes away from me and said to himself, "It's worse than I thought. I'll have to keep her under my wing for a while."

"Mmmm?" I asked dreamily.

"Let's take you back to the house." He scooped me up and began to walk slowly to the house.

"Gotta call Charlie."

"I don't think that's necessary, Bella. Do you?"

"Uh-huh."

"Bella, you aren't going to call Charlie."

My panic began to fight his artificial calm. "I've gotta… get out of here… I want… need…" He was trying to make me fall asleep. "No! You can't… do… this…" I still couldn't think clearly through the calm that was bombarding my system. All I knew is that I didn't want this.

I fought and fought, but to no prevail.

He won again.

And I slept.