Chapter 15
Bella POV
By leaving, I was going to rid them of the guilt that had caused them to come back into my life. I wasn't going to supply additional worry to their shoulders any longer. No longer would I hurt them… No longer would I hurt myself, believing that they actually wanted me. Leaving was a good thing. Leaving was a good thing. This was my mantra; I continued to repeat it to myself in my thoughts as we drove down the road, Charlie silent in the driver's seat.
I stole a glance at him; I could almost see the hatred that was radiating off of him. He's had lots of time to think, that I knew. Maybe he's convinced himself of worse things during this time…
He pulled into the driveway. I opened the door and tried to use the handles above my head to lift myself out, but before I was halfway through the doorway, my arm was yanked out of the car…
Carlisle POV
"Why did you allow her to—"
"Dad, I know what he was feeling and it wasn't—"
"This won't end well for—"
"I've seen her future and we have to go, now—"
"He hates her, Dad, I've read his—"
"I'll kill him—"
"Quiet!" I was so overwhelmed. Everyone was talking at once. "One at a time."
"She didn't want to go," said Jasper. "She was scared. She wanted to stay but she felt… she couldn't. And he… his calm façade was only that, an act. He was so angry…"
"Charlie was thinking vile thoughts," Edward said, looking at the floor. "He knew right away that she had lied, that she hasn't recovered. She looks worse than the last time he'd seen her."
If what they were saying was true, than the Charlie I'd known had changed. Bella had been the best part of his life. He must have truly convinced himself that Bella's actions were unforgivable.
Edward's face was in his hands. "Alice, just tell him."
I looked at Alice. Her expression was tragic. She opened her mouth, but she couldn't seem to find her voice.
Bella POV
Growing up, I always felt out of step. I didn't have many friends, and the friends I did have were still never on the same page as I was. I always had excellent grades in school. I always tried to help others, and when my mom found a man that she wanted to be with, I did the best I could to make her happy. I moved to Forks.
In Forks, I took care of my dad. I continued to get good grades and I made new friends. I met Edward, and I fell in love. I met Edward's family and I saw everything I had ever wanted in life. They saw something they wanted in me… I couldn't believe my luck. I was never as happy as I was during those months. I was so sure that it was going to last forever… But I wasn't enough.
And so I didn't cry. I was getting what I deserved.
This physical pain is nothing at all compared to my emotional pain, anyhow.
But when he went to the bathroom, I took my chance. I was out the door in seconds and was running as best as I could into the forest.
I slowed my pace as I entered the woods. I instinctively went off the path. It would be harder for him, or anyone, to find me.
I spotted a sturdy-looking stick on the ground. I picked it up and used it as a walking stick. It helped me go faster.
I was exhausted, weak, and injured. I thought back to what had just happened with a shudder…
"When I'm done with you, you're going right back to that place in Florida. You just wait until I tell your mother. You wait until I tell her that you haven't improved at all. You probably broke out."
What was he going to do when he got out of the bathroom and realized I wasn't there?
The thought made me walk faster. I couldn't return to the asylum… I didn't want to see Charlie again… I just wanted to get lost… To lose my sense of direction forever… And once I found the right place, I would hide in my darkness. Not to think, not to feel, ever again. I knew then that I had finally lost myself.
I walked for some time, lost in my thoughts. I wished so desperately that I hadn't left the Cullens'…
I yelled at myself internally for having such thoughts.
The fight between my desperation to give up and my resoluteness to keep going finally made its mark. I was hit with a powerful wave of nausea and I fell to my knees, throwing up much more than is ever acceptable.
When I was done, I held to the nearest tree branch for support and tried to pull myself up, but I didn't have enough strength.
I tried to push myself as far as possible from the spot that I had vomited, and made it to the next tree before my strength diminished completely.
I shivered from the cold. I was still only wearing the outfit Esme had dressed me in.
Esme… I would never see her again.
It's now or never, I thought. I had no more tears to spill. Gaining control of my emotions, I tucked them away, one at a time, into my heart. I felt the numbness seeping through my body. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, I saw nothing.
I couldn't think.
I couldn't feel.
And I was alone.
Forever.
Carlisle POV
We hadn't even bothered using vehicles. Alice had said that she was lost in the woods, and we would get to her much faster by just running from our house.
We started from Charlie's house, and it was clear immediately that she had not taken the path. It wasn't long before we caught Bella's scent. We followed it. She couldn't have gone too far…
I heard Esme gasp, and then I saw it. A puddle of vomit and, not too far away, Bella. She looked terrible.
I immediately went into doctor mode. I was very worried about the vomit; the poor girl had nothing to give up. It was clear that it was mostly stomach acid. I moved on to Bella herself. There were bruises forming all about her frail form. Her face was blotchy and tear stained. Her nose was bleeding. Her clothes were torn. It was a horrible sight.
At least she was breathing.
I checked her vitals. "She's alive… but barely," I informed the others. "We need to take her back to the house. Now."
Jasper was the only one who didn't move.
"What is it, Jasper?" I asked, standing up immediately.
"She's not sleeping," he said slowly. "And she's not unconscious. She's completely in that darkness again."
This was a concern, but we would have to deal with it at home.
I nodded at Jasper and Edward picked her up in his arms.
Bella POV
I fought the force that was trying to pull me out of the darkness. I wanted to stay here forever. Here, I don't even know my own name. It was peaceful.
It didn't take long to be revived. I was so weak and tired that my body wasn't putting up much of a fight. I had used my remaining energy to close my mind and escape into the emptiness that I was being relentlessly pulled from now.
I kept my eyes closed. I didn't know where I was or who I was with, and I wasn't interested in finding out. I knew by my position and the feel around me that I was in somebody's arms.
"What's wrong?" asked a soft voice from farther away. I recognized it as Esme's, and I was immediately wracked with an excruciating sadness. I missed her so much; she was the mom I could never have.
"She doesn't want to be awakened right now, I believe," replied a softer voice from above me. It was Jasper's; that's who was holding me and that's who brought me out of the darkness. After feeling my last powerful emotion, he said, "I think you should hold her now, Mom."
"Why?" she asked as my body was being transferred into another pair of arms.
"She misses you."
I was hit with Esme's potent scent and it brought on a torrent of tearless sobs. I buried my face into her shirt. She rubbed calming circles on my back.
I didn't know what to say, if there was anything to say. One part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness and request to be a part of this family forever. The other part of me, like always, knew that they in fact didn't want me here, and my frequent emotional breakdowns were only making them feel guiltier.
But I couldn't stop. I was too weak to control my emotions.
"That's right, let it all out," Esme was saying.
"I'm s-so s-s-sorry," I found myself saying.
And I was.