Notes: No it's still not fun, it's depressing as fuck, still triggering, but the story slowly moves on.
I'm forever humbled with the kudos and hope you really enjoy this story. Even in its darkness.
"Home sweet home girls! " Kim announced after they made it to her door, with a slow and careful pace to level with Vanessa.
"Thank you" both Hailey and Vanessa answered.
Kim showed Hailey and Vanessa's the guest room they would be occupying, usually where her sister and niece would crash when they're in town visiting.
After a few minutes of getting settled, Vanessa asks for a shower and disappears for some time in the bathroom.
During that time their hosts put out a whole selection of pajama tops, and bottoms and sorted out coffee and cups for the next morning which would be coming too soon.
"Thanks again Kim you have no idea how helpful you've been, this day has been a neverending nightmare".
Kim stops in the middle of getting the living room lights out and observes Hailey for a moment and says "You really don't have to thank me, you would do the same for me, for any of us."
They look at each other intently, they've been through some shit together so she knows for a fact what she is saying holds true.
"Let's wrap this day up, if you guys need anything just come over and let me know" she added yawning while upholstering her gun and taking it into her room.
Then before Hailey walks the small distance to her room, Kim adds"... or if you need to talk, about anything at all".
In the bathroom Vanessa couldn't hear what was happening with her two colleagues, she hoped they were in bed now so she wouldn't have to talk with anyone anymore.
She was out of her third shower in the last 5 hours or so, and while she thought she needed to be dropped in a tub of bleach and be forcefully cleaned by a giant loofa, it turned out she couldn't even find the strength to touch her own body long enough for that. She felt disgusted, no, more like disconnected to her own body, it was nothing like she expected this to feel like, there was no scrubbing her skin raw, she just felt very much out of her body and she decided it was an okay feeling to her, considering.
When she comes out of the bathroom Hailey was sitting in the bed contemplating her gun bedside with a hollow gaze, "Hails, I'm done, the bathroom's free".
Her presence broke Hailey out of her reverie and she gets up and goes to the bathroom without a word.
She wanted to talk to Vanessa, to reassure her, to say something, but she had no more energy, and she didn't want to break down in front of her, and also she really didn't know what to tell her.
She needs to drown her sorrows under scalding hot water and cry.
After her turn in the shower, she comes back to find Vanessa in bed pretending to sleep. She goes around the bed and keeps her distance as not to touch and startle her friend, she slides quietly on the left side and falls asleep instantly.
For Vanessa it was a whole other ordeal, she obviously can't sleep and she starts wondering if she will ever sleep again in her life.
She was so tired and tried to focus her mind on other things, things that usually calm her and help her find sleep, but every time she closes her eyes she sees it all over again in bits and pieces, and some of it wouldn't even make sense. Did she make up the whole thing in her mind? How was this real life? She struggles remembering his face, does this man really exists? Did Med really happen? She touches her lips and feels the gash swallowing her bottom lip, and eventually the pain reminds her it was not a nightmare.
She looks to the window to try to make up what time it must be, but it's still extremely dark and silent outside and she figures it's going to be a long night...
Lightheaded from the lack of real sleep she goes in and out of a superficial slumber that completely fucks her sense of time until she hears Hailey being very agitated in her sleep.
She's moving and moaning as if she's struggling with someone or something.
Vanessa couldn't make up what she was trying to say and didn't know if she should wake her up or not.
So she did what she use to do when she was a kid sharing beds with other kids who often would be snoring too loudly or struggling with a nightmare; she gives Hailey a couple of small kicks in the leg so she wakes up not knowing what woke her up from her nightmare, and Vanessa would just have to lay there and pretend to still be asleep.
Hailey wakes up with a sudden jerk, feeling trapped and distressed, not knowing for a second what was wrong with her.
Then she turned to see Vanessa asleep on the other side of the bed, then she remembered everything, and her dream too.
She passes her hand through her face and hair and checks the time on the phone, 6:13am, far too early to wake up after just 3 hours of sleep.
But she knows now that there was no way she was going back to sleep, not after that nightmare, as usual.
So she very carefully gets out of the bed, and goes for a pee and washes her face to put more distance between the dream and herself, then decides to go straight to the kitchen to prepare a pot of coffee.
"Couldn't sleep either?" she is about to jump out of her skin when she sees Kim also in her pajamas sitting at the kitchen counter already pouring coffee on a mug.
"Fuck ! Thank god I'm not armed Kim!" She replies with her hands on her heart, "I wasn't expecting anyone else up so early".
Kim pours her coffee without bothering to ask and extends it to her while she grabs a stool to the bar.
"Sorry, I just couldn't sleep anymore."
They both sip coffee in silence while staring into the void, both trapped in their own contemplations for a few minutes until Kim breaks the silence "I know it's not your place to say, so you don't have to tell me anything..." she swallows hard and continues, "But you know what happened to my sister right?" Hailey nods, "You weren't with us at the time so you won't remember how it was like for me, how fast I had to grow up and try to fix her and protect her from the outside world... I took time off the job; actually that was around the time you did the joint department sting with Intelligence." She pauses for a while, collecting her thoughts, then continues "There were days I wasn't even certain I would come back... All I'm saying is...I guess I realized you can't save people from hurting like that, at least not alone. You can't sacrifice yourself for this task because it's neverending and it's heart-wrenching, and...", Kim seems lost in her reflections, she never really spoke about it in such terms, sure she mentions it, the whole team knows and every time they catch a rape case it brings it all back to the surface, but usually, she just expresses the anger but never the other feelings.
But she knows now is the right time, she extends her hand to grab Hailey's "I was the one who found my sister that day, I rode to the hospital with her, I know how it looks like and I could see it on your face and Vanessa's", Hailey tries to interrupt but Kim continues "Hold on please, let me finish this, it was eating at me the whole night, I need to finish this ok? I don't think she will be able to hold onto the secret very long, the whole thing at the hospital it was weird, the examination that took forever, I saw Natalie being called in, you willing to come sleep at mine rather than Jay's which makes zero sense on a normal day unless you want to protect her from..." She cuts the sentence in the middle not knowing how to express it; "I know the guys can be thick but we're detectives, and Voight will know, he'll figure it out, and Halstead already know right?" Hailey closes her eyes and nods.
"It just a matter of time before it blows over, I won't say anything to anyone, but you have to know this."
Hailey inhales deeply trying to figure out what to answer, but she just breaks up in tears, deep sobs she was holding just below the surface for hours now.
Kim comes over to her and hugs her and holds her and give her time to just cry.
So she cries, for a long time, for Vanessa and herself, and Kim and her sister and for all the people they cant protect and fix. For a justice that will never really be served and for all the open wounds they have to live with forever.
After a long silence, Hailey finally comes back to herself, she blows her nose and steadies her voice, "I think you know as well as I do there are ways of dissimulating the truth... I mean I know, we do it all the time, we never put all the shit that happens to us in our reports, all the touching and threats when we're under..." this time Kim interrupts her before she is finished.
"But she wasn't under! That's the difference!"
"I don't know what to tell you... I know one thing, I am going to do whatever it is Vanessa wants. I'm not gonna choose for her what is the best course of action, I don't want to violate her agency now. So we wait and we stay ready for whatever happens, at least I will, you don't have to put yourself in jeopardy, you don't have to know this, you don't have to burn yourself."
Kim paces lightly on her own kitchen. She can't think of what to say to convince Hailey to do anything, she was a bit intimidated by her on a normal day, let alone in this situation.
"You know, she is not like us... she is different, I don't think she expects the world to bend over backward to bring her justice." Hailey says, maybe mostly to herself than to anyone else.
Kim sighs and puts on water for another round of coffee then says "You know I'm on board, whatever the cost."
She hated the idea, but she had to wake Vanessa up and tell her she had to leave her alone the whole day, and she felt like shit doing it.
"Hey, hey sweety", Vanessa stirred and opened her eyes, she looked like she never knew sleep in her life, "Kim and I are going to the district soon, I wanted to let you know so you don't panic when you wake up alone ok? I know it sucks and I would rather stay with you, but if I don't show up it will look very suspicious now, you understand?"
Vanessa nods.
"If you want me to stay you just have to say the word and I will come up with a good reason not to show up"
"No... no don't do that, its alright, I need the time. I swear it'll be alright."
Hailey was regretting her decision already, there's no way she should leave her alone today of all days. Come what may, actually fuck what may, she wasn't going to leave her now.
"I'm staying!" she blurs out, "Fuck, I'm staying."
It was Vanessa's turn to observe her intently and finds somewhere in her to smile reassuringly " Trust me, Hailey, I need it, I need to think, I need to process, and I can't do it if you're here hovering". Her voice was firm and she was surprised to believe herself that it will be alright, "I'll just need someone to leave me a gun, I never got the chance to collect my own", she added her voice dropping.
"Sure of course, we can do that, you have your phone right?"
"Yes"
"Ok then you call me any time, anything you need, and I will be back as soon as possible"
Vanessa nods and sends her off.
Then she waits for the flat to fell silent and for the sun to have completely risen before she could actually sleep.