What are Nobodies?
Put simply, Nobodies are not humans because they lost their humanity when their hearts were consumed by darkness, manifesting as the shadowy creatures known as the Heartless. The empty shells they left behind are the Nobodies. Both the Heartless and the Nobodies are not supposed to exist, but when has that ever stopped them?
Most Nobodies are no different from the Heartless: They don't think, look alien and otherworldly, and can be manipulated by much smarter and stronger beings. But a few Nobodies are special because when they were born, they took on the appearance of their Somebodies — their original selves — and can replicate nearly all tasks identically to humans — everything except feeling emotions. Emotions come naturally to people who have hearts; we cannot feel, only imitate true feelings. But given enough time, we Nobodies of the Organization have come to replicate feelings so well that you'd be forgiven for mistaking us for real people, if ones with a certain cruel streak that unites us.
Ultimately, we're not "real": as long as we don't have hearts, we will always be incomplete, wannabe humans, pretending to laugh, cry, fear, hate, love…
At least, that's what Xemnas told us all those years ago when we first awoke after we intentionally succumbed to the darkness in our hearts. To ensure that we could never return to our original selves, we all killed our Heartless. That meant if anyone were to kill us, we would not merely die, but our entire existence would be erased from the world.
The goal was to complete the new versions of ourselves with the release of untold numbers of Heartless into Kingdom Hearts. Their power would be split among the thirteen members of the Organization and form into new hearts, all while retaining the powers we gained from when we were Nobodies. A crazy, complicated plan, I know, but you can't deny how tempting it sounds to be told you could become an infinitely better and more powerful version of yourself if just follow these easy steps. Lea would never have joined the Organization had Isa not convinced him of the possibilities…
But that was a long time ago — Lea became Axel, and Isa became Saïx, and in the intervening period, I'd grown to treat my own existence with a certain level of disdain. I was just someone else's underling doing all the "icky" jobs no one else wanted. If I was only pretending to feel, I must've been doing a damn good job of it, "pretending" to hate myself, to hate Saïx for what he had become, to separate myself from the rest of the Organization.
But then you came along. Roxas. What a beautiful name, come to think of it.
Roxas is different. He may have only been with us a little under four days, but he has already made tremendous strides, his progress managing to please Xemnas (no easy feat). But Roxas is not like us in other ways. If it took us years to perfect the art of pretending to feel or to be sincere, he struck that note nearly effortlessly when he reassured Aladdin that we never really intended to do him or his people any harm. How did he do it? I needed to know.
I promised myself last night that I'd talk to Zexion about all this. The first thing I did upon waking was head to the Library, which I knew to be Zexion's usual haunt. Perhaps, that book Roxas and I procured for him might help him in answering my burning questions, assuming he made any progress on it (Zexion was a meticulous worker, which also meant he was a very slow one too).
The Library was a rather small affair, all things considered, but that just meant it looked busier than it was in reality. There always seemed to be several half-open books and notes scattered about, all pored over by Zexion. His ability to focus on so many things at once was incomparable: Zexion may not have been the best fighter among us, but without his research, the rest of us wouldn't know nearly as much about the creatures we had to kill for Xemnas as we do now. He was also one of the few members I could tolerate to be around, perhaps because he, like me, had no interest in ranks. Zexion was Rank VI, but his position as chief researcher meant he was more important than his rank suggested. Unlike Vexen, whose research was decidedly "practical" and "applicable," Zexion's interests were more grounded in theory, which sometimes meant uncovering facts about the world that weren't always immediately relevant to the Organization's goals. That was much to the annoyance of Saïx, who regularly complained of his forays into "useless knowledge," a term the Cloaked Schemer quickly reclaimed with pride.
"So, what brings the Flurry of Dancing Flames to this humble temple of knowledge?" Zexion asked without making contact. "I cannot remember the last time you paid this modest chamber a visit."
"Me neither, but I suppose I have questions," I answered. "Questions that need answering." Zexion's ears perked up.
"About what?" Zexion asked.
"Roxas," I said. "And me as well."
"Oh? I fear I have not interacted with the boy all that much since yesterday, as he is nearly always by your side. But what about him do you want to know that you trust only me to be able to answer?"
"Are you aware of the fact that Roxas can wield light?" That made Zexion look up at me for the first time since I started talking to him.
"That is… an unusual attribute for a Nobody. I suspect that must have something to do with his ability to summon the Keyblade. It rather abhors darkness."
"Yeah, but what are fire and lightning then? Aren't they kinds of light too?"
"Well, yes, but light, pure light, is different from the aforementioned attributes. They are temporary instantiations of light; pure light is a permanent fixture of the world. It is what untainted hearts are made of."
"I suppose the fact is made stranger because Roxas calls upon the light in much the same way we do."
"Fascinating. What else intrigues you about Roxas?" Zexion looked at me intently, as though he were reading me like a book, trying to figure out its message.
"I'm not sure how to describe it," I began, "but the way he 'feels' is so… natural to me. I'm not sure if he's just acting like the rest of us or if he actually can feel."
"All the current evidence suggests Nobodies cannot —"
"I know that, but… what if it's wrong? How can a three-day-old Nobody already know how to imitate human feelings when it took us ten years to master?!"
"That is… impossible. Unless…"
"Unless what?"
"Unless, once again, this comes back to the Keyblade."
"Do you think so? What's special about it, besides being able to release Heartless?"
"Well, it is unusual enough that a Nobody, of all creatures, would be able to wield one in the first place, would you not agree?"
"Yeah?"
"Furthermore, a Keyblade is associated with beings of heart. Therefore, would it not stand to reason that Roxas is somehow absorbing this emotional capacity from his proximity to the Keyblade?" That suddenly gave me an unusual thought.
"If that's the case, then you've led me right into my next question: If proximity to the Keyblade is allowing Roxas to 'feel,' does that also explain my own recent… 'feelings'?" Zexion narrowed his eyes at me like I admitted to something concerning.
"Just what are you suggesting?"
"I mean, ever since I met the kid, I've been… having these weird thoughts… lately." At that moment, I realized not only that I echoed Roxas's words exactly, but what he meant by them.
"Axel!" Zexion called out.
"Huh?"
"You appeared… 'spaced out,' for lack of a better term."
"Yeah, I suppose I did. But I mean what I said."
"Whatever these 'weird thoughts' are, I will be sure to investigate them at a later date, but right now, I need to get back to deciphering the old tome you two procured for me. I have made some progress on it so far."
"Have you now? Do tell."
"It is written in an old language that no one speaks anymore, but the title alone is quite provocative: De creaturam sine cordibus vera natura."
"Which means?"
"'On the True Nature of the Creatures Without Hearts.' Apparently, the author had no single word for 'Heartless,' but they nevertheless recognized their most distinct feature." A shudder suddenly went down my spine — the idea that there were still things we didn't know about the Heartless unnerved me.
"That's a pretty… inviting title indeed. It makes me wanna learn more already."
"Since when have you shown any interest in intellectual pursuits?" Zexion asked half-seriously, almost winking at me.
"I dunno — since Roxas came here?"
"It always goes back to that boy, hmm?"
"Yeah, it sure does."
"How about I make an arrangement with you: I teach Roxas the more esoteric subjects at which I am an expert, and you continue with the more practical matters." This was an interesting offer, but I had to ask what prompted that.
"Why?"
"Roxas strikes me as curious, and I appreciate that in a member of the Organization."
"Okay, I guess. But just… be patient with him, you know?"
"No need to remind me. Now, I suppose that you have someone to whom to return. Am I mistaken?" Again, that half-serious tone.
"Oh, yeah, you're right! I haven't seen Roxas yet! Well, see you later."
"And you too."
How much do we really know about the Heartless? This strange book by its title alone suggested that all our current knowledge on these creatures may be faulty at best and totally wrong at worst, and I didn't know what to make of that possibility. But Roxas needn't worry about these sorts of things just yet. He had the more immediate task of releasing them, ignorant of their nature, regardless of whether it was true or not. I just hoped he wasn't already off fighting them alone. Swarmers may be easy to kill individually, but even five nearly overwhelmed him in Agrabah, and we had to fight off ten of those things.
When I entered his room, he was nowhere to be found. The initial anxiety quickly turned to violent anger (or was it the mere replication of these feelings? Fuck! I hate being a Nobody). Saïx. He'd know — he's the one assigning missions. I immediately set out for the Grey Area.
"Where is he?" I asked as soon as I arrived. Several Organization members — I could pick out Marluxia, Larxene, and Xigbar — turned to look at me, but I didn't give a damn — my sights were set on Saïx, who barely acknowledged me, so I repeated myself.
"I said, 'Where is Roxas?' Saïx!"
"He's off on a mission in Twilight Town. Apparently, there has been an infestation of Shadow Heartless, so Roxas will clear them."
"How many are there?"
"Twenty-five of them."
"Twenty-five?! Without me to at least keep an eye on the kid?"
"Relax, Axel!" Xigbar chimed in. "It's not like he can't handle himself against a bunch of swarmers, especially when his first Heartless was a Darkside."
"It's not about whether he can handle himself. I just want to be there for him."
"Aw, are you worried about the poor, wittle baby Roxas, Axel?" Larxene mocked.
"I did not need your input, Larxene!"
"No need to be so hot-tempered. I'm just telling it like it is," she said with a sickening grin.
"Why are you showing so much… concern over this boy, Axel?" Marluxia asked.
"Because, Marluxia, Roxas isn't just another Nobody like the rest of us!"
"I'm aware —"
"We get it, Axel," Saïx said. "But you fail to appreciate the number of contingencies and failsafes Xemnas has in place in the event of any disappointment. Even if Roxas were to somehow fail us, Xemnas will always find another way."
"Just what are you implying, Saïx?"
"He's saying Roxas isn't that special, Axel," Xigbar said.
"Bullshit!"
"Enough of this useless chatter," Saïx said. "We wait for Roxas. That is our mission now."
"You've got to be kidding me!" Larxene and I groaned together. Huh, for once, we agreed on something. I suppose miracles do exist.
"Unless anyone else here has somehow managed to hide the ability to summon a Keyblade for the last ten years, that is the only thing we can do these days."
"So, we're just going to have Roxas do all the heavy lifting from now on?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.
"Yes," Saïx answered through gritted teeth.
"Well, I'll be heading to Twilight Town if anyone needs me."
"Must you always follow Roxas around like a dog does its master? If anything, he should be the dog and we the masters, you especially."
"You gave me the responsibility to watch over him, and I'm not about to have you take that away from me."
"Fine, fine. Just don't interfere in his mission."
"I can't guarantee that." Saïx rolled his eyes at me in defeat.
"I just hope Roxas returns safely," I muttered under my breath as I walked into a Corridor of Darkness.
When I arrived, half a dozen Shadow Heartless almost immediately jumped on me, which caught me by surprise. I always knew swarmers were aggressive, but they were never this aggressive.
"Axel!" Roxas.
"You okay there, buddy?" I asked as I struggled to get the damn things off me.
"I'd be me more worried about you. I'm coming for you!
Slice! Dash! Stab! A shimmy to the right and another stab. Then —
"Light!" and lo, there was light. Blinding. Burning. Beautiful and proud. The swarmers disintegrated, and a literal weight on my shoulders was lifted.
"Everything all right?" Roxas asked, kneeling before me. I stared into his eyes until I could almost see my reflection staring back at me. I hadn't seen him since this morning, so I wanted to savor the moment.
"Axel?" he asked again, waving his hand in front of my face.
"Oh, just a scratch," I said as I got up. "Nothing a little rest and relaxation couldn't help fix."
"Yeah, that'll have to wait. I can smell more of 'em. Can you?" I inhaled deeply, nodding along. Then I remembered what Saïx told me.
"Wait, I can't help you."
"What? Why not?" Roxas asked, his face almost scowling in disappointment, a look I wanted quickly to erase from existence.
"Saïx's orders," I said with a shrug.
"Well, screw Saïx!" Bold of you to say that. "I've had to deal with way more Heartless than he said I would. I think I've already lost count how many I've released today." Interesting — Saïx said there'd be twenty-five of them, which I thought would be on the cusp of too much for one rookie Organization member to deal with alone. How many did Roxas really release? That was enough justification for me to join him. Fuck Saïx and his orders.
"All right, I'll join you. And I'll take the fall for you too. You may have been the one who asked for help, but I won't tell him that." Roxas smiled his approval.
We cut through so many Heartless — way more than twenty-five. I was sure of it. The sun had very nearly set by the time we were done. I took care to avoid killing as few of them as possible so that Roxas could release more of the creatures. My fire abilities weren't always so brutal; with enough practice, I learned how to merely stun Heartless instead of outright killing them with fire. That made Roxas's job — and mine — a hell of a lot easier.
When all was said and done, I counted nearly fifty instances of release. Saïx better pay the kid at least double for his efforts, or I'd quit (not that he or I could quit — once a member of the Organization, always a member of the Organization)!
"Wanna go get ice cream?" Roxas asked, still excited from all the adrenaline.
"What, at this hour?" I asked with a cocked brow.
"Well, you said that this is our thing and that we should do it every day after missions. We're not going to start changing that, are we?" How could I say, "No," to that cheeky grin of his Roxas was giving me?
"No, of course not! I was just messing with you!"
"You mean, 'pulling my leg'?"
"Same difference! Come on, before they close shop!"
We ran together to the center of town, where we thankfully found the stall was still open and attracting some customers. Once we got our ice creams, Roxas and I went to our usual spot on the Clock Tower.
"So, how was your day, Axel?" Roxas asked.
"Not as boring without you as I thought," I began, "but I'm glad to have spent the last hour of your mission with you."
"Thank you. What did you do?"
"I talked to Zexion — you know, the guy with the long hair covering his right eye all the time? — about that book we procured for him yesterday. He has only just begun reading it, but its title alone is pretty interesting."
"What is it?" I struggled a bit to recall its foreign-sounding name, but I remembered the words "true nature" and "Heartless."
"'On the True Nature of the Heartless,' I think. Or something to that effect. Doesn't it make you want to know more?"
"I suppose," Roxas shrugged.
"You don't seem too excited about it."
"Maybe because I'll have to deal with more of them tomorrow."
"What new gauntlet is Saïx making you run through this time?" I asked, giving an unamused expression to him.
"Saïx said I'll have to go to a world called Traverse Town. 'Rich in Heartless' were his words."
"Let me guess: You'll have to do it all by yourself again?"
"Yeah." Roxas frowned.
"I'll come for you again, just like today. Got it memorized?" I smiled at him, which lifted that frown of his upside down.
"You're the only one I like, Axel. Has anyone told you that?" That was sudden.
"N-no. Not at all, in fact." I rubbed the back of my head nervously.
"Well, I do, so now, you know."
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked quickly.
"Because I wanted you to know, and I think that's something that friends do."
"How the tables have turned already!" I chucked. "Now, you're the one teaching me new things!"
"Yeah, I guess I am," Roxas giggled. How natural this all seemed. Felt. How perfect. There was no way you could fake this. Only someone with a heart could —
"Oh, speaking of teaching new things, Zexion wants to teach you things too!"
"Really?" Roxas was not sure how to take this, judging by his slightly raised left eyebrow.
"Yeah. We made a deal that I teach you more practical stuff while you can ask Zexion any questions you have about how the world works or what we are or other broader, more, uh… conceptual stuff."
"Conceptual?" Roxas asked, head tilted.
"It means having to do with ideas or theories that don't necessarily have some 'use' to them. Like, for example, when I told you why the sun shines red during sunset."
"Because red travels the farthest of all the colors of light?"
"Yeah, exactly! Zexion wants to do that with you. He knows that you're curious and wanna learn, so that's why he asked. But I want your input."
"Doesn't Zexion talk a little funny?"
"Yeah, but don't we all?"
"Not like Zexion does, though. He almost sounds like…" Roxas searched for the word, but I think I knew what he meant.
"Like a book"?
"Yeah, I think so. Have you ever read one to know?"
"Yeah, a little bit. Books are written in a certain… voice, and Zexion likes talking like them, I guess. But he can speak in simpler terms for you. Any excuse to share more knowledge with someone is a good one for him."
"Sure, I'll go to him. But only after we get ice cream."
"But you'll be so tired by the time we return to the Castle, won't you?"
"Yeah, you're right. But I gotta make room for Zexion somehow."
"How about before you head out on a mission? Or, better yet, before Saïx assigns you one?"
"Sounds like a plan."
"You can thank me later," I winked.
"Why not now?" Roxas smirked. He then reached out and hugged me, which initially startled me.
"Is this your way of thanking me?" I asked in a low, gentle voice.
"Yes."
"You're special, buddy."
"So, I've been told."
"It's true," I reiterated. Roxas grunted his approval.
For the first time in my life, I didn't want to return to the Castle. I simply wanted to stay at the Clock Tower, stroking Roxas's hair. If Roxas was a "dog," as Saïx so crudely put it, then he was my dog. But I'd gladly be his dog too when no one else was looking. Ah, these "feelings" again. What else did the Keyblade have in store for me — no, for us?