Chapter 9: Hatred

"I hate my dad! Hate him so much! Why did he have to stay away?" I could feel the tears running down my face as my anger build. "He knew mom was pregnant! Why did he choose not to come back? Doesn't he love us? Doesn't he know mom needs him? Doesn't he… doesn't he…" The words felt trapped in my throat, but I forced myself to say them. "Doesn't he… love me?" I looked up at Dr. Nicholas. "Did I mess up so bad that he hates me now? Was it me who pushed him away?"

"Gohan, I don't think—"

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT DAD WON'T COME BACK! I'm the reason he left! Dad hates me! I screw up and ruined everything! My little brother would never know dad because it's all my fault!" Little brother? A new wave of pain and anger rose within me. "I despise my dad. I hate him so much! He knew, and he chose to stay away!"

"Gohan—"

"I DON'T WANT TO BE A BIG BROTHER! I WANT DADDY BACK!"

"GOHAN!" I finally open my eyes and looked to a terrified Dr. Nickolas. That's when I realized I had transformed again. "Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths." I try doing the deep breathing exercise we have been working on. Slowly my chest felt lighter, and the weight on my shoulders was leaving. My tears still fell, but my muscles were no longer aching. I relaxed more into the comfy sofa and stood quiet. "Gohan, it's ok to feel all those things. And I'm glad we finally were able to help you find a safe place to let them go. But you must know, deep down, all those things aren't true."

"Yes, it is. I failed. I failed everyone. I failed him! If I just finished Cell off sooner… If I didn't get cocky…"

"But, Gohan." I looked at him, and he wore a soft smile. "You're just a kid. Regardless of any situation, you acted as any child would. In a way, you took the cell games as just that. A game."

"But… but…"

"Did you have fun fighting him at one point?" I looked away.

"Yes."

"Were you taunting him?"

"Yes."

"Did you find it funny to see him scared? Did you enjoy toying with him?

I looked back. "Yes. Yes. What's your point?"

"Where ever scared?" I nod my head. "See. You did everything any child would in your circumstance."

"But it's still doesn't change the fact my dad chose to stay away."

"Why do you think he did? Aside from how you feel, what do you truly believe is the reason?"

I tried thinking back to that day and working hard not to feel. Then one thing stood out to me. "I remember dad asking if I still wanted to study." He sat straight in his seat and encouraged me to continue. "He kept encouraging me to keep pushing, so I had a future to look forward to."

Dr. Nicholas then had a big smile. "So, what does that tell you?"

I couldn't help return the smile as I figured out an answer. "He stood away so we could be happy." But then I frown once more. "But I still wish he was here."

"That's a normal feeling. I'm sure in some way he does wish he could be here." I asked what does he mean. "Everyone makes choices they don't like for the people they love. I'll tell you what. I'll share something with you." He pulled out a pen that I have never seen him use. "This is a gift from my daughter when I was working on my Master's degree. I was also working dead-end jobs and studying endlessly. I barely had time for her. But I always made sure to tell her I loved her. She gave me this pen to remind me she knows I do everything for her. My daughter is now in college and working on her law masters."

I couldn't help smile at him. "That's so cool."

"So, don't think too hard on things you can't control. Even when everything seems like it's against you, they aren't. Let yourself feel what you do, but don't let it control you either." With that, our session was about over, and I was getting up. "Oh, and Gohan." I looked back at Dr. Nicholas before opening the door. He walked over to me and was handing me that damn box. "I think it's time to work on these finally. Don't rush it. Just slowly let go of things little by little."

With that, I left. But unbeknown to me, that was our last session. I officially became a big brother, and somehow, I just felt too happy to care.

… 14 years later …

As we walked into the office, I couldn't stop smiling. Today was a good day. Even though dad was dreading coming back, but this time we had an extra person with us. The moment Dr. Nicholas and Dr. Harrison walked in, a certain little girl was giggling. "Oh, is that the famous Pan I heard so much about?"

"It sure is, Dr. Nicholas." Before long, the room was full of laughter, as dad went on about how much he loves his little granddaughter. To watch dad have such a big was nice to see. But he then did something that surprised me and was super embarrassing.

"Dad! Put me down!"

"Why? I just love my little man… Oops. I mean, I just love my grown man so much. If I'm sharing about my little Pan, I should also share about the perfect angel that gave her to me." I never felt so embarrassed in my whole life, and somehow it made me feel even happier.

Dad will always be dad.