Chapter 30
Stef and Lena entered the room with a wheelchair. Stef smiled at the brunette as she pushed the wheelchair towards Callie's bed. "Okay love, you're all ready to go home."
Brandon helped Callie out of the bed and into the wheelchair. He glanced around the room to make sure all of their belongings had already been taken to the car. He took the wheelchair from his mother. "I'll push."
Stef smiled at her son and gave his arm a gentle pat. She knew he was hurting too. "Okay. We already pulled the car up to the front."
Brandon led the way out of the room. Callie's eyes scanned her surroundings as he pushed her down the hall. A boy or girl sign stuck on the wall of multiple doors. The painful screams of women in labor could be heard in the distance along with the sounds of crying babies. Several people wandered around, holding baby balloons. An older woman stood beside a man, flipping through her phone as giggles and awes escaped their mouths, undoubtedly at photos of a new family member. The environment was happy, joyful, celebratory, but all Callie felt was an overwhelming sorrow in every part of her body. She was supposed to be leaving with her baby wearing an ear to ear smile, but instead, she was leaving with a memory box and a painful hole in her heart.
Brandon picked up speed to avoid the cheerfulness of the maternity ward. It all just felt like a slap in the face; like the world was rubbing it in their faces that Melody was gone. He finally pushed through to the exit and towards the car that was parked at the curb. His shoulders slumped when he saw the car parked behind theirs where a couple was bringing their new baby. He mentally cursed himself for not thinking of sending someone out ahead to make sure this didn't happen.
Callie watched as the young couple cooed at the newborn. The new mother sat in the wheelchair, cradling the baby while the new father checked the car seat. They were in pure bliss as they loaded their newest addition into the car. Tears stung her eyelids. That should be her. That should be her fussing over Melody while Brandon got the car ready. She felt Brandon's hand on her shoulder as the wheelchair came to a stop before the car. She couldn't take her eyes off the couple; the couple that she resented.
"Callie." Brandon whispered. He knew she was watching them.
Brandon was suddenly standing before her and she met his eyes. She shook her head. "No, no. I can't do this."
Brandon kneeled before her and placed a hand on knee. "Hey, you can do this, okay? I'm going to help you into the car and we're going to go home, okay?"
Callie looked back at the couple, who now had the baby buckled into its car seat and were getting into the car themselves, still wearing matching grins. They were completely oblivious to the horrors of the world. Callie swallowed thickly and closed her eyes for a moment to stop the tears from escaping her eyes. She inhaled deeply and returned her eyes to Brandon, who was staring at her with concern and sorrow. She nodded and shifted in the wheelchair in an attempt to get up.
Brandon shot to his feet and wrapped an arm around her to help her up. She only had surgery four days ago and the doctors said it would take a few weeks to fully recover. Physically anyway. Emotional recovery was a different story. "Go slow."
Callie grimaced as she planted her feet onto the pavement with the help of Brandon. Stef opened the car door. Callie hated this; hated that she had to rely on people, that she needed to be helped. It made her feel weak.
Brandon buckled her in after slipping in beside her, and a small whimper escaped her lips when the seat belt brushed against her tender breasts. Her milk had come in last night; a painful reminder of what she lost. Her body had betrayed her, reminding her that there should be a baby. The nurse told her releasing the milk would only cause more to be produced and so she had to endure the pain until the milk dried up. Callie sobbed inconsolably as the nurse helped place ice packs in a loose-fitting bra. She had read books about breastfeeding; about the treasured bond mothers had with their babies during this time. But she had no baby, she lost hers, and she would never get the opportunity to experience that bond.
"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" Brandon frowned.
"No, it's just the seatbelt." She whispered, and Brandon understood. He had held her for hours while she cried last night.
Brandon found her hand, intertwining her fingers with his. His heart ached unbearably. From losing Melody and watching Callie suffer again. "We'll be home soon, and you can rest."
Callie nodded. The car ride home was silent with the exception of the radio playing softly. The car rolled to a stop outside the house. Brandon helped her out of the car and supported her as they walked through the front door that Stef held open for them. The sorrow consuming Callie multiplied. She had imagined the Fosters waiting in the living room, greeting her as she entered holding a car seat. She had imagined showing Melody the house. She had imagined bringing her to the nursery to change her diaper, feeding her in the rocking chair. But she wasn't holding a car seat with a baby. She was holding an unrepairable broken heart.
"Callie!" Jude shouted as he thudded down the stairs to greet his sister.
Callie forced a smile at her brother that failed to meet her eyes. It felt impossible to smile in a world that her daughter was taken from. She felt sympathy for her brother though. His mind was too young and innocent to grasp the extent of Callie's pain. "Hey, Jude."
"What would you like for lunch, Callie?" Lena asked.
Callie couldn't look at Lena. It was too painful to see her pregnant belly. "I'm…I'm not hungry."
"You have to eat, love." Stef said as she placed Callie's bag on the floor.
"I'm not hungry." Callie repeated firmly. Even the thought of food made her heart ache. She looked forward to eating when she was pregnant. But she no longer was.
Stef opened her mouth to reply, but Brandon interjected. "Mom, just leave it, please? She'll eat later."
Stef glanced at her son's pleading eyes and nodded her head reluctantly. Brandon knew Callie better than anyone, which meant he knew what she needed. Stef was also aware that Brandon's focus was completely on the young brunette; he would make sure she ate eventually. "Okay, we'll make extra and put it aside."
Brandon silently thanked his mother. He assisted Callie up the stairs and to his bedroom. He took note in the way her eyes lingered on the closed door upstairs. The one that contained a warm, loving environment for the daughter they no longer had. Brandon had demanded that the door remained closed before Callie's arrival and he was thankful his family listened.
He led her towards the bed, helping her onto it. "You should rest."
"I've been resting." She whispered. "I don't…I can't…I need a distraction."
Brandon frowned, gently rubbing her leg. He could imagine that lying around in bed only encouraged the painful and dangerous thoughts to brew, but he also wasn't sure there was a big enough distraction. "We could watch a movie or play a board game or just talk? Whatever you want, Cal."
Callie brought her hands over her eyes as tears suddenly burst through them. "I don't know."
"Hey, it's okay." Brandon soothed, reaching for her hands to uncover her face.
"It's not okay!" Callie cried. "I'm not supposed to be sitting here. I'm supposed to be taking care of a baby or watching her while she sleeps."
"I know." Brandon sighed. He didn't know what to do for her, how to make this better.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap." Callie apologized. The hormones running through her body paired with the agonizing grief caused her to lash out at Brandon when she didn't want to. He was so patient through all of this. Taking care of her had been his number one priority despite that he was grieving too. It made her feel guilty when she snapped at him. He definitely didn't deserve it, but being the amazing boyfriend that he was, he never faltered. Not once did he become angry with her. Instead, he continued to comfort her.
"You don't have to apologize. You're hurting. And you're right. None of this is okay."
"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Where I'm supposed to go from here." Callie's glistening eyes met Brandon's as silent tears trickled down her cheeks. "She was my future, Brandon. Every plan, every dream I had included her. Finishing high school, going to college, my relationship with you. It all included her. It was all planned around her."
Brandon frowned as he scooted on the bed beside her and wrapped his arm around her. He completely understood the feeling she was describing. They created a plan for Callie to finish high school. One that would allow Callie to take care of Melody and graduate. She and Brandon had discussed different college options that would allow them to stay home or get an apartment together with Melody. They had briefly discussed how they would plan their classes at different times so someone would always be able to watch Melody. By the time they graduated, Melody would be going to school, which would allow them to continue with their careers. They had planned so many things they would do with Melody; taking her to the zoo, visiting Disney, enrolling her in baby music classes. They had gone as far to imagining her at their wedding. And now it was all gone. In one instant, all their plans were destroyed. The future they had built was on a completely different path, one that was bumpy with no end in sight.
"I know. It's not easy right now. It probably won't be for a while, but you'll make new plans. And I'll help you." Brandon brought her hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to it.
"I don't want new plans." She whispered, snuggling into him. Her hand rested on his chest, tracing the letters on his shirt.
"I don't either. But we have to. And it sucks, and you don't have to be happy with it right now. But we'll make new plans and Melody will still be in them, just in our hearts." Brandon rubbed gentle circles on Callie's back.
Callie nodded against his chest. "Talk to me. Tell me something I don't know about you."
Brandon pursed his lips as he thought. "I mean you know mostly everything about me. I guess there's a lot from my childhood you don't know."
"Tell me about it." Callie said, taking in his comforting, woodsy scent. She needed a distraction. Listening to Brandon's voice was comforting and she wanted to get lost in his words.
Brandon told Callie about the time he convinced the twins they were adopted from a family of squirrels. The sound of her laugh made him so grateful for being a cunning older brother. He told her about the time he got lost in Disney, the time they got stuck in a downpour at the San Diego Zoo. He told her about the moment he found out his parents were spitting up, the first time he performed, the time they had a whipped cream fight in the kitchen. For hours Callie listened to little stories about Brandon's childhood. About little moments that shaped him. She did indeed get lost in his stories, grateful that he grew up in a safe, loving, supportive home. For a short time, even if it was just temporary, everything felt okay.
Callie slowly strolled down the dark, quiet hall. Her hand reached out for the doorknob, hesitating before turning it. The door swung open. She reached for the light switch, revealing the bright cheerful room. Tears shone in her eyes as they scanned the room.
A sob ripped through her throat. Everything in the room would go unused. Melody would never sleep in her crib, never have her diaper changed on the changing table, never wear the clothes carefully tucked into the drawers of the dresser, never listen to the mobile hanging above the crib, never be rocked in the rocking chair. All of the planning, all of the effort, all of the love they had put into creating a warm, perfect room for her was for nothing.
Her heart ached unbearably. Her knees buckled before she crashed to the floor. Darkness; complete and utter darkness. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. This would never be okay. The pain would never go away. She wanted it to end and yet she couldn't help but wonder what was next; how the world was going to top its latest cruel trick on her. At one time she had thought her mother dying was going to be the worst thing to happen to her. In a way, maybe it was because it was the start to the seemingly never-ending chain of catastrophic events. But somehow things only got worse when she and Jude were thrown into foster care. Each house they were in she thought the next couldn't be worse and yet that very thing happened. Every house was worse than the last. And then they came to the Fosters; the one place she thought she could find her happiness, the one place she thought she was safe. She was in a way. She was happy living with the Fosters, happy being with Brandon, and she was safe living in that home. Foolishly she thought the misery was over, but then Liam and Vico destroyed her. Every wound she had healed had been ripped open by them. She thought that was rock bottom. How could it get any worse? Finding out she was pregnant with one of her rapists' baby had seemed like the end of the world at the time, but she found the strength to turn that around. The baby seemed to be the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Then Vico returned, once again destroying any progress she had made in overcoming her trauma. Once again, she was foolish to think that things couldn't get any worse and the world punished her for it. It laughed in her face by taking away her baby; killing the little girl she had grown in her body, loved more than anything. The world had blown out the light at the end of the tunnel; the tunnel she was pretty sure would forever be pitch black now.
"Callie?" She heard Brandon's voice from the hall before his footsteps grew closer. He had woken up when he felt her disentangle from his arms. He figured she was going to the bathroom, but when she didn't return he got up to check on her. A sigh escaped his lips. "Cal…"
He was suddenly standing before her and she lifted her head to meet his groggy eyes through her burred ones. "I can't do this."
Her voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper. The defeat in her voice made Brandon's heart twist painfully. The world had finally done it. It had finally taken the fight out of the strongest girl. He closed the door to avoid waking anyone else before he sat down on the floor and scooted beside her. He held his arms open and she collapsed against his embrace, burying her head in his chest. He rubbed soothing circles on her back as her tears soaked his shirt. "You can. I promise you it won't always hurt this much."
"What am I doing wrong? Why do all these awful things keep happening to me?" She choked out into his shirt.
"I don't know, but it has nothing to do with you. You are doing nothing wrong." He pressed a ginger kiss to the top of her head.
"I wanted nothing more for those tests to be negative that day and I feel like this is the world's way of punishing me." She thought back to that very day in the bathroom of the supermarket. The torturous three minutes she had waited for the results were spent wishing, hoping, praying to any and every higher power that she was not pregnant. A couple of days prior to that, her period had been late. She didn't think much of it at first; she wasn't always on a regular schedule and it had been expected with the medications, emergency contraception, and the trauma her body had endured. Nausea, breast tenderness, and fatigue were among the other symptoms she had experienced, but that could have easily been chalked up to anxiety, lack of sleep, and injuries. Yet something felt different; something told her to take those tests. Even while she was buying them, she was telling herself she was just being paranoid- she had taken emergency contraception after all. It was supposed to prevent this; take away the fear of it actually happening. But another part of her couldn't help but think about the hours she spent violently puking following the intake of the prevention. And so, while she was waiting for the tests she pleaded to a higher power that the emergency contraceptive had been effective. But the three positive pink signs told her otherwise and she felt as though her life was over. Those feelings were coming back to haunt her. She couldn't help but feel as though losing her baby was a consequence of wishing she wasn't pregnant; of feeling utterly hopeless when she found out she was.
"Callie, no." Brandon frowned as he shook his head. His finger moved beneath her jaw, lifting it gently to look into her tear-filled eyes. "You had every right to feel what you did. You were severely hurt and sixteen."
"I didn't want her, Brandon. She was already growing inside me and I was hoping she hadn't been there." She choked out with disgust; disgust for ever feeling that way.
Brandon blinked back his own tears. She always found a way to blame herself. All of the bad things that happened to her were not her fault and yet she grasped at something to make it her fault. He knew it most likely stemmed from her past; she spent seven years being yelled at, beaten, starved for any move she would make. But the fact that she was blaming herself for this, blaming herself because she hadn't wanted to be pregnant with her rapists' baby hurt. "Callie, anybody in your position would have felt the same way. And how you handled it was incredible. Most people would have gotten an abortion or chosen adoption and there's nothing wrong with either of those. It would have been expected after what you went through, but you somehow managed to love her. I know it feels natural to you, but loving a baby that was the result of a rape is not an easy thing to do."
"I miss her." Her lower lip trembled before her body heaved with sobs once again. She seemed to have an endless supply of tears.
Brandon gently pulled her onto his lap and cradled her in his arms. She shook violently against him from the force of her sobs. He closed his eyes for a moment as he felt hot tears ooze from them and dribble down his cheeks. He was trying to be strong for her, but it was too much. He missed Melody too.
He too was devastated when he learned Callie was pregnant. Devastated for all that had happened to her and now she was going to be reminded of it every single day carrying the baby of a monster. He thought she would get an abortion because he couldn't imagine someone dealing with that reminder every day. When she told him that she was keeping the baby, he was scared. He didn't know what that meant for them. He had always wanted kids and he had always figured it would be a couple of years into a marriage. The time while the two were seeing each other while she was at GU, he had envisioned their future together; dating through high school and college, getting married shortly after graduating from college, adopting a pet, traveling, and then starting a family. But then the same girl he had seen that future with was pregnant with the baby of one of the guys that raped her and she was planning on raising it. He knew he loved her too much to ever even consider leaving her and it would have been awful to leave her with everything she was going through. And when she told him about how Rita tried to convince her to give the baby up for adoption, he felt relieved at her adamant disagreement. Somehow, he had grown to love the baby too. He wasn't quite sure when it happened, but he was pretty sure it was from seeing Callie's own love towards the human growing inside of her. Once he felt the baby kick he became excited about meeting her. It was suddenly so real. And then they started planning; buying baby items, picking out names, choosing nursery themes. He was embracing fatherhood, excited for it. Even if the baby wasn't biologically his, he would be a father to her. And then she was gone without ever taking a breath, without ever opening her eyes to the world. "I know, I miss her too."
Somehow hearing Brandon say those words provided Callie with a slight comfort. Brandon didn't know what it was like to carry a child for nearly nine months; to experience that intimate bond. But he lost her too. He bonded with her in different ways and Callie was certain he loved Melody nearly as much as she did. Hearing him admit her missed her made her feel less alone.
"What can I do? How can I help you?"
"Just don't leave me." She choked out into his chest.
"I'm not going anywhere." Brandon reassured, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Ever."
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