*This chapter mentions suicide*

Chapter 32

Callie gripped the pill bottle beneath her fingers. Her eyes gaped at the label on the prescription. She was supposed to take one, two if the pain was severe, but there was a voice in her head daring her to consume all of the remaining pills. Round white pills spilled into her palm, emptying the bottle. She gawked at the pills, examining the tiny letters engraved in its surface. They seemed so inviting. One swallow and all the pain would be gone.

"What are you doing?"

Callie gasped and sent the pills scattering across the kitchen floor as she nearly jumped out of her skin. Brandon stood a few feet away, his eyes wide with shock and fear. Callie opened her mouth, but no words came out. She knew by the look in his eyes that he understood her dangerous intentions. There were no lies or excuses that he wouldn't see through.

"Callie." Her name trembled on his tongue as he slowly approached her. Time seemed to slow. The sound of his heart pounding echoed in his ears. He knew she was suffering, he knew she was suffering an immeasurable amount of pain, but nothing could prepare him for walking in on her holding a handful of strong painkillers. There was no doubt in his mind that she had been contemplating swallowing all of them and his knees nearly buckled as he thought about what may have happened if he didn't walk in here.

"I…I…" She stuttered, unable to meet his eyes.

"What were you thinking?" He hissed more harshly then he intended. "Did you even stop to think about what this would do to everyone? To Jude? To me?"

Tears sprang to her eyes. Her lower lip trembled. A sob pierced the kitchen. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I…I didn't want to kill myself."

"Taking a bottle full of pills would have ended that way!" Brandon shouted, causing Callie to flinch.

She shut her eyes as silent tears continued to tumble down her cheeks. "I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted the pain to go away."

Brandon's features softened. He took another step forward and pulled her into his arms. "I know. But Jesus, Callie, killing yourself is not the answer. Have you been having these thoughts? About killing yourself?"

"No. I mean there's been times where it seems like the easy thing to do, but I've never…I was just…having a bad day and I went to take my normal dose and it seemed like…I just can't do this anymore." She gripped onto Brandon as if he were her lifeline. In a way he was. If he hadn't walked in she may be lying on the floor while the drugs overtook her body.

Brandon lifted her head off his shoulder and cupped her face with his hands. "I know it hurts. I know it hurts so much and this is never going to be okay. But you can't give up. Not when you've fought this far. I don't know if I believe in heaven and hell, but I do believe our loved ones watch over us. Melody doesn't want to see her mommy giving up."

"I'm so tired of fighting." She whispered.

"I know, but you have to keep fighting. I almost lost you twice, Callie. Do you know how awful that was for me? I can't live without you, okay? So, fight for me because I need you. I need you here with me. It might be selfish, but I don't care. I love you so much and if you're gone, my life is over." Brandon's eyes welled with unshed tears as he gazed into Callie's sad eyes. He didn't bother to hold them back. He needed her to see how much this would hurt him. The thought of her not being here was suffocating. "You need to get help. You need to go back to therapy. You shouldn't have pushed it off to begin with."

"I know. I don't want to hurt you. That's the last thing I want to do. You caught me in a moment of weakness."

"And what if I hadn't caught you? We wouldn't even be having this conversation because you'd be getting your stomach pumped while I paced the waiting room again!" Brandon shouted again, causing Callie to take a step back. "And what happens when you have another moment of weakness? What happens if I'm not there to stop you from doing something stupid? Damn it, Callie, it's not just a moment of weakness!"

Callie blinked back the new batch of tears that sparkled in her eyes. He rarely raised his voice at her and she knew this passionate emotion was because he cared so much about her. She inhaled shakily, wiping at the fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. "Okay, okay. I'll go back to therapy. But I don't see how it's going to help. It's not going to make any of this okay. It's not going to take back what Liam and Vico did. It's not going to bring back Melody."

"No, it's not. And nobody is expecting you to just get over any of this. But she can help you deal with all these emotions you have. All these unhealthy thoughts that you have. But you have to actually talk because you like to keep it bottled in and that's when these unhealthy thoughts form. That's when you think about taking a handful of pills."

"I talk to you." She muttered, chewing on her bottom lip.

"And I'm so glad that you do, but it's not enough. I know there's so much your feeling and thinking that you aren't telling me. You haven't even told me exactly what happened the night of the winter ball." Brandon watched the brunette tense at the mention of that night. "And I'm not a trained professional. You've had so much trauma in your life and you haven't had the time to heal from any of it."

Callie nodded, failing to meet Brandon's eyes. She knelt down to gather the spilled pills from the floor. "Okay, I'll go."

Brandon closed his eyes for a moment. Just once, he just wanted her to take care of herself. He wished she could see herself the way he saw her. He squatted before her and placed his hand over hers to halt her clean up. "Callie, look at me."

Tear glimmering eyes met Brandon's concerned ones.

"Don't shut me out. I'm asking you to do this because I love you." Brandon said. "When I walked in and saw you with all those pills my heart stopped."

Callie gently fell back onto her behind and leaned her back against the kitchen cabinets behind her. "That's how I felt when the nurse said there was no heartbeat."

Brandon scooted so he was sitting beside Callie. He reached into her lap to take her hand in his and intertwined their fingers. "I think it would be good if you went to group therapy too. One with other mothers who have lost babies. People who know what you're going through."

"You know what I'm going through."

"I don't, not completely. Yes, I lost Melody too and I miss her and I'm hurting. But I'll never fully understand what you're going through. Not on the same level. You carried her, you felt her inside of you. I bonded with her, but not in the same way you did." He caressed the top of her hand with his thumb.

"A group like that is going to be full of women who are married, who planned to have a baby. They're going to judge me for being seventeen. They'll…they'll probably think I didn't really want her because of…what happened." Her voice cracked as silent tears tumbled down her cheeks.

"Callie." Brandon sighed. "Nobody is going to judge you, and nobody is going to think that. You don't know that everyone there is going to be married or had planned to get pregnant. And you go and tell your story. Everyone's is different, but in the end, you all share the pain for losing a baby. I think it would be good to see you're not alone."

Callie leaned her head back and let out a shaky breath. It would be beneficial to hear other women's stories; to know that they felt the same pain for carrying a child for so long only to lose them. "Okay."

Brandon let out a slight sigh of relief. He figured she would have put up a fight, that it would have taken more convincing for her to agree to the suggestion. But he could also see that she was desperate. Desperate to ease the pain. "Thank you."

"Can we not tell Stef and Lena about this?" Callie asked.

Brandon hesitated. He knew she was referring to the pill incident. "Only if you promise to never do something like that again. That if you have thoughts like that you come to me immediately."

Callie watched Brandon disentangle his hand from hers and hold up his pinky finger. She met his eyes as she locked her finger with his. "I promise."

He leaned forward to plant a soft kiss to her lips. "Was there something that triggered this?"

"No." Callie whispered, twisting the bracelet encircling her wrist. "I just saw the pills and I don't know. I'm just…having trouble finding my purpose in the world. For seven years it was to protect Jude and now he's safe. And then it was to be a mom. Having a baby at seventeen with Liam or Vico's baby is not ideal and certainly not what I planned, but it gave me a purpose, you know? I had this life relying on me. This little baby who I was literally breathing for and she was…she was supposed to be here for the rest of my life. And now she's gone, and I have no purpose."

Brandon's hand found hers again. "Cal, you have so much purpose in this world. You help and inspire so many people. Especially me. And Jude still needs you. So, do moms and Mariana and Jesus. And me. I need you. Mom told you that you weren't worthless when you first came here, remember?"

"I'm having a hard time believing that." Callie admitted softly. "And I know you're going to tell me otherwise and I know that you believe it, but I'm struggling with it. I've heard it so many times it's hard not to believe. Nobody's cared about my wants or needs or safety. I haven't accomplished anything."

"I get it. I don't think it's possible to be completely resilient to everything you've been through. And you've been pretty close to doing so. You've been badly hurt by so many people and you haven't been able to catch a break, but it's not you. They're the ones who should feel bad about themselves. They're wrong." Brandon was furious at every person who had ever hurt Callie. "And accomplishments? You're seventeen you're not supposed to have conquered the world."

"You've performed symphonies, you won a contest at the best music school, you have a huge chance at being accepted to Julliard, you've started an awesome band. Mariana's won STEAM contests, Jesus had been invited to a prestigious wrestling school, even Jude was offered opportunities with his gaming. And what have I done? I've gone to juvie…twice, I ran away from the only people who cared about me, I got pregnant. You all have dreams and aspirations and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life."

"First of all, juvie and getting pregnant was not your fault. And you have to remember that we come from very different backgrounds. I was raised by three parents who loved and supported me. I had a safe home with people who helped me pursue whatever I wanted to do. You didn't have that. You were surviving in toxic environment after toxic environment. You were raising and protecting Jude and that is an accomplishment." Brandon said. "Again, you're seventeen. You don't have to have everything figured out. You don't have to know what you want to do yet. Music is my passion and it'd be a dream to go to Julliard, but I don't really know what I would want to do with music."

"Yeah but you have an idea at least. You'll probably be accepted to so many different schools with scholarships." Callie closed her eyes for a moment as tears pricked her lids. "Melody was supposed to be my great accomplishment. I was going to raise her as a strong, independent girl."

Brandon frowned. "You have to give yourself a break, Cal. You've had so many other things to think about and worries that you haven't had the chance to even create dreams and aspirations. We're going to find your dreams together, okay?"

Callie took a deep breath as she nodded. "I guess the one thing I'm sure I want to do with my life is to spend it with you."

"I want the same thing." A smile found Brandon's lips as he leaned in to plant a soft kiss to Callie's lips. "Which is why you can't go and do something stupid like swallowing a bunch of pills."

"I won't. I promise. I'm glad you walked in here before I had the chance because I really do want a future with you." Callie said as she leaned her head against his shoulder. This time it was her hand who found Brandon's and intertwined their fingers. "It's the only thing that's helping me get through this. And I just want to be over it already. I know time heals, but time feels like it's at a standstill."

"We're going to speed it up by you going to therapy and group therapy, finding your dreams and passions, and making plans for the future, short and long term." Brandon turned his head to press a kiss to her hair, inhaling her sweet scent. "We're going to get through this. You and me together."

Thanks for reading! Another heavy subject, but I think it's important to talk about these things. If you ever feel suicidal, please seek help. You're not alone and you can get better. Anyway, a new family member arrives next chapter!

Review!