Chapter 33
The potent smell of antiseptic assaulted Callie's nostrils. It was a smell that caused dread and anxiety to churn in the pit of her stomach. She hated hospitals. There had been far too many awful experiences at hospitals for Callie: broken bones from abusive foster homes, the countless injuries sustained from Liam and Vico's assault, and the death of her baby. It was a joyous occasion that brought the Fosters to the hospital this time; Lena was in labor. But a mix of emotions were coursing through Callie and joy was definitely not the most prominent. It was too soon. She'd only lost her daughter three weeks ago and now it was like the world was rubbing it in her face by having someone so close to her have a baby. It wasn't that she wasn't happy for Lena, she was. But she still couldn't grasp why the world had taken her baby.
Callie shifted in her seat. They'd been waiting for an hour now. Stef had taken Lena to the hospital late last night when she began experiencing contractions. She'd only been dilated a few centimeters and so Stef suggested the teenagers wait at home until it was closer to delivery. They'd gotten the call at nearly noon that Lena was approaching eight centimeters and that she'd been taken into delivery soon. And since the hour that they'd been waiting, Callie was left to focus on her dangerous thoughts, focus on all the awful memories from her multiple stays in the hospital.
Her chest tightened. Her throat closed. The room suddenly felt hotter. Callie sprung to her feet, quickly glancing at Brandon, Mariana, Jesus, and Jude who all sat in nearby chairs. "I'm just going to get some air."
Brandon watched his girlfriend practically sprint towards the exit. He couldn't imagine the thoughts brewing in the brunette's mind. There was no way this could be easy for her.
"Is she okay?" Jesus asked, his concern for his sister growing.
"I'm going to check on her." Brandon planted his feet on the ground and started towards the double doors. His eyes scanned his surroundings as he stepped outside. He spotted Callie sitting on a bench in the shade and made his way over to her, taking a seat beside her. One glance and he knew she was on the verge of breaking down. "This must be hard for you."
Callie fiddled with the bracelet encircling her wrist, failing to meet Brandon's eyes. Her finger traced the outline of the dangling heart; the heart containing Melody's sonogram. It was something she wore every day since Brandon gave it to her for her birthday, much like her mother's necklace. Wearing it felt like she always had a piece of Melody with her.
"You want to tell me what's going on in your head?" He pressed gently.
Callie hesitated. "I'm happy for Lena, I am. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be…I just…"
"Hey, don't you dare apologize." Brandon scolded gently as Callie struggled to find her words. "Whatever you feel is okay. Nobody expects you to be fine with this."
"It hurts." Callie choked out as tears stung her lids. "I just don't get why I can't have my baby too."
Brandon reached into Callie's lap to find her hand. "I wish I had an answer for you."
"And I just…I hate this place." Callie whispered, turning her head slightly to look at the hospital entrance. It was almost as though she was conditioned to associate this place with tragedy.
"I do too." Brandon agreed. "I have to keep looking at you to remind myself that you're okay. That we're not here for you."
Callie met Brandon's concerned eyes. There were so many times Callie's life was in threat and she could only imagine how distressing it was for Brandon. "I'm sorry, Brandon."
"I don't want you to be sorry." Brandon said softly. "I'll never fully know what you're going through, but on some level, I know how you feel."
"It's just a lot, you know? This was supposed to be me. And it's not. All of this is just a reminder of what I lost." Callie let out a shaky breath as the tears brimming her lids threatened to erupt.
"I know." Brandon frowned. He draped his arm around Callie and she nestled into his embrace. That was all it took for the tears to overflow, splashing against Brandon's shirt. Refraining from crying had been a skill Callie had mastered during her time in foster care, but she was pretty sure the events of this year had obliterated that skill. But unlike her previous foster families, it felt safe to cry in Brandon's presence. Instead of shouting, executing a further beating, or mocking her, Brandon provided the comfort she desperately craved. He gently stroked her arm and planted a soft kiss to the top of her head. "I've got you."
Brandon held Callie, whispering soothing words until her tears subsided Even after her tears dried, she remained in his arms. The two sat in a comfortable silence, enjoying each other's company and the gentle breeze.
Mariana suddenly appeared before the bench. A frown found her lips when she noticed Callie's dampened cheeks. "Hey, you okay?"
Callie disentangled herself from Brandon's arms and nodded. "I'm fine."
"Mama had the baby. Francesca Adams Foster. Six pounds, ten ounces. Mama and baby are both healthy and they want us to meet her." Mariana announced with a wide grin, and Callie couldn't help but think about the amazing aunt Mariana would have been to Melody.
Callie and Brandon stood and followed Mariana back into the hospital hand in hand. The five teenagers made their way to Lena's room to find her cradling a baby wrapped in a pink blanket while Stef stood above the two, taking pictures and cooing at the newborn. Stef's ear to ear smile somehow grew wider when she saw the rest of the Adams-Foster clan flood into the room. "Hey guys, come meet your new sister, Francesca."
"Oh my god, she's so adorable!" Mariana squealed as she ran over to hug Lena and admire the new family member.
"She's so tiny." Jesus grinned.
Callie blinked back tears as she watched everyone fuss over the baby. It was a moment she thought she would experience with Melody. She'd imagined Francesca and Melody growing up together and becoming the best of friends. They'd have each other as playmates from the very beginning. But along with every other dream and every other plan, it would never happen.
"How are you feeling?" Brandon asked his mother as he gave Callie's hand a gentle squeeze in attempt to keep her present.
"I'm okay. A little sore, but it was all worth it." Lena's smile didn't falter as she peeled her eyes off the baby to look at her son.
"Mama was a champ." Stef praised, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead.
The words felt like a stab to Callie's heart. She didn't have a baby to make up for the pain she had experienced. Instead, her pain only grew worse.
"Do you want to hold her, Callie?" Lena asked the quiet brunette. She couldn't imagine how difficult this must be for her.
Callie hesitated, but eventually nodded. "Sure."
Callie moved closer to the bed and carefully scooped Francesca into her arms. Her heart swelled as she cradled the little girl. She felt joy and excitement at the new family member, but her heart ached at the same time. The last baby she held was her own lifeless one and she wanted nothing more than to hold her again. The little girl currently in her arms weighed more than Melody undoubtfully and it was a relief to see her big brown, almond shaped eyes; she never had the chance to even see Melody's eyes.
Brandon studied Callie, noting the tears glistening in her eyes. His own heart was breaking as he recalled the last time he saw Callie holding a baby, and he wanted nothing more than to have shared a moment like this with Callie and Melody. He wrapped his arms around Callie's waist from behind and left a delicate kiss on her cheek. "She's so cute."
Callie nodded as a single tear carved a path down her cheek. "She's beautiful, Lena."
"Thank you." Lena smiled.
"Can I hold her?" Jude asked excitedly. "I've never really been around babies."
"Of course, honey. Everyone can hold her." Stef said.
"Why don't you sit for the first time you hold her?" Callie suggested, swallowing the lump in the back of her throat. She didn't want to let go of the newborn, but she knew she couldn't hold onto her forever. "Make sure you support her head."
"Okay." Jude nodded eagerly with a hint of annoyance. He hopped towards the chair in the corner of the room.
Callie gently slid the baby into Jude's waiting arms, keeping her hand beneath Francesca's head. "Do you have her?"
"Yes, you can let go." Jude huffed.
Callie pulled her hand away and took a few steps back. It was taking nearly everything in her not to fall apart; she couldn't ruin this for everyone. Brandon's arm draped around her again and she leaned into his embrace, cherishing the comfort of his arms. Somehow, he always knew what she needed.
"I'm next!" Mariana called out as she moved towards the chair Jude sat in. "Hand her over."
"Be careful with the transfer." Stef warned nervously.
"I got it." Callie pulled out of Brandon's arms when she read the hesitancy in Jude and Mariana's eyes. She scooped the infant from Jude's arms and carefully placed her in Mariana's.
"Thanks Cal." Stef winked at the young brunette, who seemed to be natural with the baby. "I forgot how worrying having a newborn is and how fragile they are."
"I'm afraid to move with her." Mariana grinned at the baby in her arms before eventually passing her to Brandon.
Callie swore she heard the crack of her heart shattering as she watched her boyfriend cradle the baby. There were countless times during her pregnancy that she'd imagined Brandon holding her daughter. And now she had to be reminded of the shattered dreams every time she saw Brandon hold his new sister. With every interaction, Callie would be painfully reminded of the amazing father Brandon would have been. He was so tender, so protective, so selfless. But Callie would never be able to watch him raise Melody.
HHH
"How are you doing?" Brandon asked as he took a seat on the couch beside Callie. They returned home from the hospital an hour ago after spending nearly the entire day there. He'd studied Callie carefully the entire day and knew she had only been holding it together for the everyone else's sake.
Callie shrugged as she placed the book she was reading on the table.
"Hey, talk to me." Brandon said softly.
Callie inhaled shakily as she hesitantly met Brandon's eyes. "How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to live with a baby in the same house? I can't look at Frankie without thinking about what I lost."
Brandon reached into Callie's lap to sandwich her hand between his. "It's all so fresh right now. You've barely had the chance to heal."
"I felt like I was making progress. Therapy and group were helping, but now…I feel like it's all gone out the window." Callie swallowed the lump in her throat. The advice from group and several grief books she read was to avoid pregnant women and babies. The advice was well warranted; it was impossible to elude the anguish and jealousy that accompanied the sight of a pregnancy or baby. There was no stronger reminder than that. But it was advice that was impossible for Callie abide by as she lived with Lena. "And I don't…I don't want Stef and Lena to see how much this hurts. This is a joyous moment and I don't want to take that away from them."
Brandon frowned. Callie was once again putting everyone else's needs and feelings above her own. "Healing is not a straight line, Cal. There's going to be setbacks. And I think Stef and Lena know how much this is affecting you. You don't have to hide it or be ashamed or guilty about it."
"I just want to turn my mind off. Even just for an hour." Callie sighed. There was a constant battle in her mind and it was exhausting.
"I know. But it's not always going to hurt this much. All of this pain and trauma is not going to always be so dominant in your mind." Brandon pulled Callie's legs over his lap and held his arm open. "Come here."
Callie scooted forward slightly, falling into Brandon's waiting arms and nestling against his chest. A soft breath left her lips as his arms enfolded around her. The woodsy scent of his cologne was comforting. "She never took a breath or opened her eyes, but it just feels like there's this huge part of me that's missing."
"I know what you mean." Brandon's fingers danced in Callie's curls. "I've told you before that I'll never know exactly what you're feeling because I didn't carry Melody, but we both knew her. We both bonded with her. We both loved her with everything we had."
"I want Vico to pay so badly for what he did to Melody." Callie whispered. "It'll never make up for it, but I need justice for her."
Brandon pressed a soft kiss to Callie's hairline. For once Brandon wished Callie would place her needs and wants above everyone else's. "You deserve justice for what he did to you too."
Callie remained silent for a moment. It seemed natural to dismiss justice for herself. So many people had hurt her, and justice was never served. While she was still pregnant, she wanted Vico and Liam behind bars mostly just to feel safe. After Melody's death and learning that Vico had been the cause of the pregnancy complications, she wanted him to be punished for Melody in addition to feeling safe. It never even crossed her mind that she deserved justice too.
"I love how you have the biggest heart in the world and how you're so loving and caring and always think about everyone else, but you have to think about yourself sometimes." Brandon said. There were so many contributing factors to the feelings of worthlessness that Callie had developed. Brandon could only imagine that the countless absence of justice only fostered those feelings. "You deserve justice. Melody deserves justice and you deserve justice for what Vico caused with Melody, but you also deserve it for all the awful things they did to you. For all the physical and emotional pain that they put you through."
"I guess it would be nice for them to pay. I'm just not used to getting justice." Callie shrugged.
Brandon felt a surge of anger ignite within him. He knew about Callie's difficult past. He knew more details about the abuse she endured than anyone else. And yet his blood boiled every time he was reminded of the horrors Callie battled; of the myriad of offenders that went unpunished. There was nothing he could do to make people from Callie's past serve justice, but he would do anything to make sure she received justice for Liam and Vico.
Thanks for reading! I apologize for the delay in updates- it's been a busy summer with my sister's wedding, and intense summer course, and a move. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! The school year begins again next chapter.
Review!
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