Content/Trigger Warnings: pregnancy, suicide mention, self-harm mention, rape mention, childbirth, child death.
"Our story binds us
Like right and wrong
Your hand in mine
Marching to the beat of the storm"
'lionheart' – demi lovato
A steady tattoo was beating inside Cordelia Prime's skull. It felt as if there was a vice attached to her head, squeezing it until she thought it would explode. Inside her mind, she screamed.
Silver hands whirred and rested on her face; an oasis of cool paradise against the fire that seemed intent on devouring her.
"Lia? Are you in pain?"
She struggled to open her green eyes. Through her eyelids, she could see the faint shadow of Optimus Prime's large frame looming over her. She felt his weight settle next to her on the bed. Since she'd been ill, Optimus had activated his holoform and had not left her side.
She brought a hand up to her face, that one action an Olympic effort. It was as if there were 50-pound weight attached to each of her limbs and joints, and to move anyone of them seemed just as likely as humanity making it back to the moon.
Optimus was careful not to disturb the clear IV line going into the back of Cordelia's left hand as he moved to sit beside her on the bed.
Her usually cream skin was devoid of any colour, not even the faint flush that was usually present in her freckled cheeks. She sat up without warning and lurched forward, coughing. Optimus realised what she needed and grabbed the bowl from where it sat beside the bed, simultaneously tidying her auburn hair off her face.
She propped herself up weakly on one elbow as she threw up into the proffered bowl. She spat out shiny, stringy bile and eyed the contents of the bowl with thinly disguised disgust. She took a small sip from the glass of water Optimus offered her and swilled it around her mouth before spitting it into the bowl.
She settled back against the pillows, the beat in her head reminiscent of war drums.
Optimus looked at her, his blue optics grave with worry and concern. He gently pressed the back of his hand to her brow and simulated a sigh.
"Your fever is 101.6 degrees Fahrenheit." Wordlessly she reached for his hand and locked her fingers loosely around his.
Another shiver made its way through her body, causing her to involuntarily curl into the foetal position.
"That's it." Optimus declared. "I'm calling Jenny." Cordelia heard the quiet click that signalled the activation of his comm line.
She heard but did not listen to what Optimus was saying to Jenny. All she cared about was being able to eat something or to even simply move without emptying her stomach at every opportunity.
The discovery of her pregnancy had been shocking enough, but three weeks on, Cordelia was beginning to grow accustomed to the idea.
At her twelve-week scan, when she'd vomited for the sixth time in under an hour, the technician had called a senior doctor in to examine her and he had diagnosed her with hyperemesis graviderum on the spot.
Cordelia kept hold of Optimus' hand as he quietly chatted to Jenny.
"Yes, if you could come as soon as you can, that would be most appreciated. No, I don't think she needs hospitalisation. The IV you set up yesterday seems to be doing the trick, but her fever is 101.6. I'll send Drift to come and collect you."
He disconnected his comm line with a quiet click. Cordelia found it within herself to open her eyes. Optimus' face was etched with concern, his lip plates turned down in a worried grimace.
He stroked her face gently, using the cool of his hand to abate some of the fire within her cheeks.
"How are you feeling little one?"
"Rough." Cordelia's voice was dry and croaky from throwing up so much. "Who would have thought that something so small could cause so much aggravation?" Optimus chuckled and placed his hand over the small bulge that was present in her abdomen.
Cordelia smiled and put her own hand over his, interlocking their fingers. "She's not got the best timing, but I want her, so, so much. I can't explain it."
Optimus raised an optic ridge. "'She?'" Cordelia shrugged and smiled to herself.
"I don't know why…I just see a girl when I picture her."
"Is it something you wish to find out? The gender?" She shook her head.
"No. Let's leave it as a surprise. Life needs a little mystery, don't you think?" He smiled in answer.
Abruptly, the steady drum behind Cordelia's skull upped in its intensity. She clutched at her head and scrunched her eyes tightly shut, trying to shut out the pain.
"What time is Jenny getting here?" She asked through gritted teeth.
"Soon little one, I promise. I've sent Drift to collect her."
Cordelia nodded and rubbed the back of her hand over her forehead a few times. "Okay. Ugh, I'm sorry." Optimus lowered himself so that he was kneeling against the bed, bringing their faces level with each other.
"Sorry for what? Lia, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for."
She made a loose gesture to the immediate surroundings. Optimus waved her worry away and stood in one fluid motion. "Jenny has arrived. I will go and let her in. I will be right back little one." He bent to brush his lip plates carefully along her hairline.
She felt the faint puff of air as he dissipated his holoform to meet Jenny downstairs.
As Cordelia waited for Optimus and Jenny to come upstairs, her thoughts found their way to the kindly midwife.
Jenny's services had been provided by Joshua Joyce as a way of appeasing his own guilt. The ranch had also been paid for in full, as well as Cordelia's medical expenses and that of any children she had, for the rest of her life.
Jenny was a spirited woman in her early forties with a kick-ass attitude. She was a slim, petite woman with a short, graduated honey-brown bob accentuated by chocolate brown eyes.
At their first meeting, Jenny had put Cordelia at ease right away.
"Hi hon, let me tell you this straight away, I am here to work for you and only you, okay?"
Cordelia smiled at the memory, reaching over to itch the back of her left hand where the plaster securing the IV cannula had begun to irritate her.
The bedroom door opened as Optimus and Jenny stepped through. Jenny had been informed about Optimus and all the other Autobots and had taken it all in her stride.
Jenny made her way over to the bed, setting her bag down on the floor.
"Hey hon, the big guy tells me you're not feeling too hot today. Let's have a look at you, shall we? Can you sit up for me chick?"
Cordelia started to shuffle herself up into a sitting position, but Optimus hurried over to help. He slipped his hands underneath her arms and effortlessly lifted her so that she was sitting comfortably up against the pillows. His hands lingered for a few seconds before he pulled away.
"Is that okay for you Lia?"
She nodded and smiled at him weakly. "It's great, thanks Optimus." Jenny turned to look at Optimus.
"Hey, I could use a cup of coffee if you don't mind?" Optimus faltered for a second before smoothing his features into a warm smile.
"Of course, Jenny, Lia, I'll get you some more water." Instead of simply deactivating his holoform and reactivating it downstairs, he walked slowly over to the bedroom door, shutting it quietly behind him.
Cordelia listened as his footsteps grew fainter and fainter as he made his way down the stairs. She turned her gaze onto Jenny, who was busy digging various medical items out of her bag.
"He really adores you, doesn't he?" She secured a blood pressure cuff around the top of Cordelia's thin arm, sticking her stethoscope underneath it before she began to work the pump.
"Yeah. I'm lucky to have him. He's…he's saved my life over and over, never asking anything in return." Her eyes took on a slightly glazed expression.
She wriggled her fingers as the cuff began to loosen on her arm. Jenny chewed her lip thoughtfully.
"Hmm. 86 over 58. Not too great Lia – a bit lower than I'd like to see." Cordelia lifted her gaze to meet Jenny's.
"Is it something to be worried about?"
"Not worried as in, 'you need to be in hospital,' but worried as in 'this needs to be a higher figure given the fact that you are sixteen weeks pregnant'"."
"Okay, so how do we get it to where it needs to be?"
"Medication if necessary, but I want to avoid that where possible. I brought some medication for your hyperemesis graviderum because you can't keep getting all your nutrients from intravenous fluids. When was the last time you actually had something to eat?"
Cordelia snorted, "what, ate something and kept it down? About three days ago."
Jenny sighed. "We need to treat your hyperemesis gravidarum first if we're going to improve your blood pressure. You need to be able to eat and keep it down."
"Trust me, it's not for the want of trying," Cordelia sighed and toyed absent-mindedly with the IV line. "I'm literally eating the blandest food I can think of – I mean yesterday I had boiled rice and chicken, no salt, no pepper and within fifteen minutes it had reappeared."
Optimus returned through the bedroom door; a mug of steaming coffee in one hand and a plate of rich tea biscuits in the other. It was all Cordelia could do not to rip the plate from his grasp and stuff them all into her mouth in one go.
Jenny accepted the mug from Optimus' proffered hand and took a deep swig before setting it down on the bedside table. "So, what we discussed while you were downstairs –"
Optimus held up a hand. "No need to repeat yourself Jenny. We need to find an effective treatment for Cordelia's hyperemesis gravidarum before we can begin to effectively treat her hypotension."
Jenny whistled. "Impressive, were you a doctor on Cybertron?"
"No," Optimus said with a small shake of his head. "However, I take any ailment that Cordelia may suffer from very seriously and thus make it my priority to learn as much about these conditions as I can."
She smiled and tucked the blood pressure machine and cuff back into its little case. "Fair enough." She turned her attention back to Cordelia. "I've brought some medication for your nausea, okay?" She produced a box from her breast pocket. "This is Zofran. It's one of the stronger anti-nausea medications on the market, but one that my patients have claimed is among the more effective. And yes, it is safe to use while you are pregnant."
"How many can I take a day?"
"I'm going to start you on a lower dosage, but you can take three tablets within a twenty-four-hour period, but you must leave at least a four-hour gap between doses."
Optimus swiped the box up from where it lay on the rumpled bed covers and opened it, withdrawing the little leaflet inside. He looked at the first side for all of two seconds before flipping it over in a move so fast that it hurt Cordelia's eyes just to look.
Jenny raised a brow. "You read all that?"
Optimus offered her a wry smile and folded the leaflet neatly and slid it back into the box. "All in here," he said, tapping the side of his helm.
"Again, I'm impressed. Now – Lia. I want you to start taking these today and let me know how you're getting on with them. You're to ring me if you get any worse or have a reaction to the medication. Is there anything else you want to go through with me?"
Cordelia took a deep breath. "Yeah. I wanted to discuss birthing plans."
Optimus stood and brought a chair over to the side of the bed. He seated himself in it, leaning forwards on his knees with his hands clasped together.
Cordelia looked to Optimus for a little reassurance and he gave her one of his 'meant for her only' smiles that didn't quite reach his mouth.
"I don't want to have the baby in hospital." Seeing that Jenny was about to respond, she held up a hand. "I don't want to give birth in the hospital, because let's face it, this isn't exactly a 'normal' situation, is it? As soon as I walk through any hospital doors, all of my control will be taken away." She turned to face Optimus. "The world's media know about you all now, the secret is out, and my face with it. Once they find out that I'm pregnant, the rumours and the hearsay will start. Staff at the hospital will be made aware of our…relationship, and I know that you would personally examine the history and possible threat of every single member of staff that would be coming into contact with me."
Optimus made a noise similar to a throat being cleared and wiped his fingers over the corner of his mouth, as if wiping away an imaginary stain.
"Lia, I will stand by you, however or wherever you choose to have this baby. I've got your back little one, now and always."
Jenny smiled. "Okay, well so long as you don't encounter any serious complications through this pregnancy, I don't see any reason why you can't have a home birth. I do have a question of my own though."
Cordelia arranged her hair into a loose bun at the nape of her neck. "Sure, what do you wanna ask?"
"Will you let me deliver your baby?"
A wide smile broke onto Cordelia's face, lighting up all of her features. Her eyes tilted upwards; her dark freckles prominent on the pale canvas that was her alabaster skin. "Of course! I wouldn't have anybody else obviously. Optimus, you'll be there too, right?"
His optics grew misty as he leaned forward and grazed her cheek lightly with his knuckles. "Little one, it would be my absolute honour. Thank you."
Jenny slapped her hands down on her thighs and rose from the bed. "Great! That's settled then. I'll get the paperwork in motion and email the details to you. Does that sound okay?"
"It sounds great Jenny, thank you so much." She leaned down and pecked Cordelia's cheek, leaving behind a waft of floral perfume.
"No problem at all hon. Please, don't hesitate to call me if you have any concerns whatsoever." She gathered her things together and made her way over to the door.
Optimus got up and graciously took her bags, hanging them casually over his left shoulder. "Ooh! Tall, dark, handsome and a gentleman! You wanna hang onto him nice and tight hon!"
Cordelia felt blood rush up her neck and flood her cheeks with heat. Optimus shot her a 'help me' look as he escorted Jenny to the front door.
Cordelia smiled to herself and popped one of the Zofran tablets out of its blister and swallowed it down with a tiny bit of water. She waited for the usual gag reflex to kick in, but nothing happened.
Let's not walk before we can run Lia, she thought to herself.
She pushed the covers off her body and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Her pyjama trousers hung loosely on her protuberant hips. She smiled wryly to herself. Great, I've actually lost weight while I'm pregnant. She wondered how many women would want to look how she did at sixteen weeks pregnant. If only they wouldn't mind living with the constant nausea.
Optimus reappeared then, nudging the bedroom door shut with his hip. His optics widened and his mouth dropped open in a surprised 'o' when he saw Cordelia half in, half out of the bed. It would have been funny if she had the energy to laugh.
He hurried over and detached the IV line from the cannula on the back of her hand. "Lia, what are you thinking? You-"
"I'm fine Optimus, please. I've got to wash or have a bath or something. I've been laying in that bed for two days and I feel absolutely disgusting. Even if I just wash my hair."
Optimus' hydraulic joints hissed air out from between their housings – a sure sign that he was frustrated. He ground his lip plates together, working hard to bury his frustration. "Then please, allow me to assist you. Please?"
She burst out laughing. "Oh my God, are you actually pouting at me right now?" He dropped his gaze from hers and she saw the corners of his mouth twitch. She draped an arm around his neck. "Go on then big guy, we both know you're not gonna let me walk to the bathroom."
He crossed his optics at her – his version of poking a tongue out. He moved so that his left arm was secure around her back and shoulders, sliding his other arm underneath her knees.
He lifted her carefully, holding her against his chest, supporting all her weight with his upper body alone. He walked carefully, not swinging her at all. He turned sideways to pass through the en-suite, gently placing her down into the wicker chair that sat parallel to the bath.
"Are you doing okay?"
"Yeah. I think that pill is beginning to kick in. I feel a little groggy, but I don't think I'm gonna throw up." She paused, scratching the back of her neck. "But...I do feel really shaky on my feet – Optimus, can I ask you something?"
He knelt, resting his hands on her knees and bringing their eyes level. "Of course, you know you can ask me anything at any time."
His voice was so sincere and so full of love that it made Cordelia's throat ache. She reached up and ran her fingers lightly over one of his ear finials. He leaned into her touch, almost purring.
"Can you…can you help me? I mean with washing and dressing. I don't think I'm gonna be able to do it on my own."
"Lia, of course I will help you. And please, don't be embarrassed about asking me to do so."
She stared at him, incredulity present in her green eyes. "How did you know?"
Optimus chuckled, a warm vibrant sound that warmed Cordelia's heart. "Because I know you better than you know yourself. Seeing you in any state will never, ever change my attitude towards you or affect my love for you. I will love you come what may, Cordelia Prime. Through thick and thin, you have my Spark. Now and always."
"I'm just worried about…about you seeing me naked. I don't want to change things between us. I mean, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything, but I don't love you romantically, and I know you don't love me romantically and –" he placed a finger over her lips, silencing her.
"Easy little one. You're panicking. Seeing you…naked as you put it, will not change my feelings for you. You are right – I do not love you romantically, so seeing you in any state of undress will not affect me. But, if it really makes you feel uncomfortable, why don't you put your swimming attire on?"
Cordelia smiled and shrugged. "You're right. It's stupid to feel insecure. I mean, Adam and Eve were okay about it, even if only for a little while."
Optimus raised a metallic brow. "Adam and Eve? Oh, you are referring to 'Genesis', the first book in the Holy Bible. I'll start the bath. I'm not going to let it get too deep just in case you begin to feel unwell." He got up and flicked the hot and cold taps on, holding one finger under the pouring water until he was satisfied with the temperature. "Do you want to test it?" He turned to look at her and she felt that all that was missing from the picture was a pair of half-moon spectacles on the end of his nose.
"No. I trust you big guy." She watched Optimus as he searched through the bathroom, grabbing shampoo, conditioner, bubble bath and body wash.
He lined them all up along the edge of the bath. Then he went into the cupboard under the sink and pulled out an elegant glass vase.
"What do you need that for?" Cordelia asked, taking her hair out of the bun, and shaking it loose about her shoulders.
"It is for rinsing off your hair. I don't think that it is a good idea for you to get into the shower just yet." He turned the taps off and the water settled with a thick blanket of foamy bubbles resting on top.
Lavender and jasmine scents filled the room as Cordelia began to remove her clothes. She slid her top off and left it in a rumpled heap on the floor. Optimus respectfully turned away from her, his hands clasped behind his back.
She eased her trousers down over her hips and wriggled them off without needing to fully lift herself off the chair. She got to her feet and promptly lost her balance, falling back into the chair with a soft plop.
"Damnit," she muttered under her breath.
Optimus appeared wordlessly at her side and lifted her easily into his armoured arms. He kept his blue optics on her face as he moved over to the bath, never once lowering them.
He stepped over the lip of the bath, lowering one foot into it as he did so. He lowered her carefully into the water and as she was completely immersed in the warm water, she realised that the bubbles covered every intimate part of her body.
The water was simply delicious. It caressed her tense muscles like the soft touch of an old friend. She sat up against the wall of the bath, her legs stretched out in front of her.
Optimus filled the vase and poured the water carefully over her head. He reached over and retrieved the shampoo bottle, deftly removing the cap and squirting some into the palm of the opposite hand. He worked it up into a lather and started rubbing it slowly into her scalp. He worked in slow circles, slowly growing bigger and bigger as he made his way from the crown of her head down to the nape of her neck. No words were exchanged between them because they had already said all that had needed to be said.
She leaned backwards into the ecstasy that was his touch, relishing in the simplicity of it. He ran his hands through her hair, working the shampoo into every strand. "I love your hair, it's so soft. It takes on an entirely different texture when it's wet."
Cordelia snorted, turning to face him. "Do you realise what you just said?"
He met her gaze with a perfect poker face. "I'm perfectly aware of what I just said." His optics tilted upwards in one of his wry grins. She chuckled and turned back around.
Optimus rinsed her hair, holding his hand over her brow so that the bubbles from the shampoo wouldn't go into her eyes. While Optimus was working the conditioner through the ends of her hair, Cordelia began to wash with the honey and vanilla scented body wash. She grabbed the flannel and worked it over and under her arms and legs before washing in between her legs.
Optimus rinsed the last of the conditioner from her hair. "Are you ready to get out little one?"
"Yeah. I feel so much better already. It's amazing what a bath can do." He helped her out of the bath and wrapped a fluffy blue towel around her shoulders.
He darted into the bedroom and returned seconds later with a fresh t-shirt, underwear and sweatpants. Cordelia used his proffered arm to balance while she quickly dried and dressed herself. She wrapped her wet hair into the towel and turned to face Optimus.
"May I dry your hair?" Cordelia went into the dressing table drawer and pulled out the hairdryer and a round brush.
"Sure! Knock yourself out." She sat down in the chair he so graciously pulled out for her.
She watched his reflection in the mirror, the way his hands gently rubbed the worst of the damp out of her hair with the towel. He began to guide the brush in smooth strokes through her dark hair, brushing back the shorter pieces of hair that had been her fringe a month ago.
She'd decided to let it grow out. Being pregnant seemed to have kicked her hair growth into overdrive, and she'd put on two inches in the last six weeks alone. Not to mention it was much thicker and shinier than it had ever been before.
He turned the hairdryer on and separated the hair into sections, his optics intent on the task at hand. She watched as he brushed her hair down and under.
Twenty minutes later, he took out the section clip and let her hair fall in loose auburn waves about her shoulders. He arranged it so that some was sitting evenly on her shoulders. She looked at him in the mirror.
"Well, I'll just have to start calling you Vidal Sassoon!" At his confused expression, she waved her hand dismissively. "Don't worry; it doesn't matter."
She pushed the chair out from beneath her and moved to gingerly stand. Optimus' hands hovered nervously near her arms, ready to catch her should she need him. At that moment, her stomach decided to emit a thunderous rumble. "Oh my God, I'm so hungry." Optimus swept her up into his arms.
"Allow me to rectify that then," he said with a wink. He carried her down the stairs and set her down on the plush leather couch. "What takes your fancy?" He clapped his hands together, his metal palms making a soft pinging sound.
"Hmm…something salty?"
"I think I may have just the thing – a cheese and bacon omelette?" Cordelia's mouth started to water.
"Oh my God, yes please. That sounds amazing."
He grinned at her and then set to work in the kitchen. Cordelia rose slowly up off the couch and made her way slowly through to the kitchen.
She sat herself in one of the oak dining chairs and leaned forward on her knees, watching Optimus as he prepped the necessary ingredients for her omelette.
He tapped three eggs open with his index finger and poured them into a jug. He produced a whisk and began to stir the eggs in a whir of red, blue and silver. The frying pan on the hob began to spit lightly. He placed the jug down on the worktop and tossed in the bacon and tomato, seasoning it with salt and pepper. He poured in the eggs and added a splash of milk. The contents of the pan sizzled when he added the grated cheese.
The ingredients began to bind together, and just as Cordelia thought it was done, Optimus swiped the pan off the hob and stuck it under the grill.
"That's the secret; it gets cooked evenly on the top and the bottom. It also disperses the flavour more effectively." He grasped the pan and slid the omelette out of it and onto a plate with more flourish than even the most qualified chef.
He set it down before her with a glass of water. "Bon appetit!" He proclaimed, theatrically kissing his fingers with a soft click of his lip plates.
"Oh my God Optimus, you are such a dork," she said as she dug her fork into the yellow mixture. She popped a mouthful in, and it was gooey and mushy in all the right places. The flavours exploded in her mouth, the strong taste of salt from the bacon and the sweet tangy taste from the tomatoes.
She finished it in record time, placing her knife and fork down on the plate. She waited nervously for the usual feeling of nausea to claw its way up her throat, but nothing came. Optimus cleared the table and began washing up.
"Did you enjoy that little one?"
She nodded. "Yes, thank you. It was absolutely delicious."
"Are you feeling nauseous at all?"
"No thankfully. I think those pills are doing the trick."
"That is marvellous. I'm so glad they are making a difference already." He dried the frying pan and hung it back up on the rack above the sink.
Optimus walked over to the couch and sat down on it, patting the vacant space next to him. "Do you want to watch The Green Mile?" In answer, Cordelia grabbed the thick blanket from the back of the couch and draped it around herself before sitting against Optimus.
His arms moved to fit her body and he sat with his chin resting gently on top of her head. His left hand found its way down to the faint bulge in her abdomen, resting loosely on top.
Suddenly, Cordelia felt a fluttering sensation behind her naval. She and Optimus shot into sitting positions at the same time.
His face was full of wonder. "Did you just…"
"Feel that?" She finished, slightly breathless.
Each of their faces broke into a wide smile and they embraced each other, rejoicing in the first movements of Cordelia's baby.