As much as he'd like to forget it, Sirius Black can remember the last conversation he had with his brother like it was yesterday.
It was the summer before his 5th year, and he had just gotten into a terrible row with his parents; far worse than every other row had had ever gotten into with them in his four years of near weekly rows. That was when he decided he had enough. He decided that night that he would run away to the Potters', like he should have done a long time ago.
When he stormed up to his room to pack, Regulus was there, waiting for him.
Sirius swung his door open and stormed in, paying no mind to Regulus sitting on his bed. He walked right past him and over to the trunk he already had half-packed. He was so ready to go back to Hogwarts that he didn't even bother to unpack fully when he got back to Grimmuald Place.
He grabbed the trunk and threw it at the bed, where it landed right next to Regulus. Still, Sirius didn't spare his brother a second glance. He just stalked over to his wardrobe and began taking out the muggle clothes he had hidden deep in the drawers.
"Sirius…"
Sirius's head snapped over to where his brother sat. Regulus's eyes were wide and sad, like a kicked puppy, and he was biting down on his lip as if to hold tears at bay. All Sirius could feel when he looked into those similarly grey eyes was resentment.
Regulus was everything his parents wanted him to be.
"What do you want?" Sirius snapped, shoving his clothes into his trunk.
Much to his shock, Regulus reached out and grabbed his wrist to stop him from going to get the last of his things.
"Don't go."
Sirius tore his hand away violently.
"Did Mummy put you up to this?" Sirius jeered. "Are you trying to keep me here so she won't turn on you too?"
Regulus recoiled at the accusation. If Sirius hadn't been so enraged from his fight with his parents, he might have felt guilty. Just a little bit.
"No, Sirius, I-,"
"But of course she wouldn't dare to hex her precious youngest son," he hissed as he shrunk his record collection to fit in his trunk.
When Sirius attempted to close the trunk, Regulus threw his body on top of it to stop him. It only fueled the anger that started building up inside him from the second he stepped off the Hogwarts Express to greet his parents a week before.
He shoved Regulus off the trunk so hard his younger brother tumbled off the bed.
"I'm leaving, Reg. I'd rather die than stay here for another second. Now you can either leave me the hell alone and let me go, or you can come with me and never have to deal with Mum and Dad again. Your choice."
Regulus looked up at Sirius from his spot on the floor. His mouth was open, but no sounds were coming out. He only shook his head gently as tears gathered in his eyes. Sirius looked in the other direction, highly uncomfortable with the whole display.
"Sirius… You know I can't…"
For a fraction of a second, Sirius had actually let himself believe that his brother would follow him. It could have been like old times, when Regulus followed Sirius around like a lost little duckling. It was stupid of him to believe that could ever happen again.
"Fine," he snapped. "See you at school, Regulus."
The words were hollow and most likely untrue. Their paths rarely crossed at school, and now Sirius was already planning to make sure they never did again.
He grabbed his trunk and stalked out of the room, his leg brushing Regulus's side on his way out. His little brother made no move to get up from the floor.
Against his better judgement, Sirius turned his head to see if Regulus was looking at him. He wanted to see if his brother was giving him one last desperate look, silently begging him to stay.
Regulus was staring down at the floor.
Sirius rushed down the stairs and out the door, ignoring the enraged shrieks of his mother. He took the Knight Bus to the Potters' that night, and he never regretted the decision for a second.
Sirius has barely glanced in Regulus's direction since that night. He tells himself every day that it's for the best. They're on different sides of an impending war. Sirius has no doubt that the time to declare an allegiance will come soon, and he knows unequivocally who his will be to.
He will always choose the family he made by choice. And Regulus will always choose the family he's chained to by blood. Nothing will change either of their minds.
So why in Merlin's name is Sirius here, leaning against the wall outside the transfiguration classroom, waiting for the Slytherin 6th years to exit? It's a mystery to him.
Okay, maybe that isn't completely true. He knows why he's here. He just doesn't want to be here.
It's all Guinevere's fault.
If she hadn't told him what his brother was planning to do and then gone off and gotten herself put in the hospital wing, none of this would be happening. There's something about that girl that always makes him confront feelings he'd rather leave alone.
The thought brings to mind their dance from a few nights before. His digs his fingernails into his arm, as if that can stop his heart from racing at the memory. She was so close to him; closer than either of them have ever allowed. She smiled with him, laughed with him, she even allowed him to pick her up. For a while, after the song died down and they were left with just the sounds of each other's breaths, he dared to hope that she would close the small gap between them and lean in for a kiss. Even just a kiss on the cheek would have been enough to overwhelm him in the best possible way.
But she didn't. She wished him a goodnight and went back to her own room like she should have done the minute he invited her inside. A real goody-two shoes, that one.
Sirius won't fool himself into believing she has the same feelings for him that he has for her. What girl, especially a muggleborn one, would want to be with someone tainted by a family legacy like his?
He shoves the thoughts aside when students begin pouring out of the classroom in droves. His eyes are scanning not only for Regulus, but for the less than desirable company that he keeps. Mulciber and Snivellus may be in Sirius's year, but Nott and one of the Rosier brothers are 6th years as well.
Sirius sneers at the thought of the company his brother is keeping. Filthy blood supremacists.
Mother must be so proud.
He spots the rabbit-like face of Nott before he sees his brother. That smirk on his face and his sniveling countenance is enough to make Sirius want to punch his teeth in. How Regulus stands being around him on a daily basis, he has no idea.
Sirius had originally planned on cornering Regulus while he was alone, but why should he care if his brother is around friends? Isn't embarrassing him what an older brother is for?
Marching over to the group of boys, Sirius grabs Regulus by the arm. The boy looks up at him with a blank expression. Sirius didn't expect that. He expected anger, maybe sadness, or at least shock. But Regulus…
There's nothing behind his eyes.
His so called "friends", though, give Sirius the exact reaction he expected.
"What are you doing, Black?" Nott snarls. Rosier just glowers at him. If looks could kill…
Sirius gives them both an annoyingly wide smile and tightens his grip on Regulus's arm. He vaguely remembers Guinevere saying something about smiling at people who insult her. It unnerves them, she said.
"Excuse me, gentlemen, but I need to borrow my brother for a few minutes. You'll get him back later."
With a harsh yank, he pulls Regulus away and down the corridor. His brother provides no resistance. He just lets Sirius drag him around a corner and down a corridor that he knows will be abandoned around this time of day. The last Muggle Studies class of the day let out over an hour ago.
When they make it to the entrance of the abandoned classroom, Sirius finally drops his hold on Regulus's arm. The younger boy stumbles back slightly, glaring up at him.
Sirius leans back against the wall.
"How're you doing, Reg?"
No answer.
Sirius grins at his little brother, trying not to let his own discomfort show.
"Good to hear! I'm doing good as well, thanks for asking. I just love these talks of ours."
Regulus rolls his eyes.
"What do you want, Sirius?"
He sounds too tired to be angry. A hand reaches up to run itself through his thick curls, a nervous habit of his that Sirius recognizes well.
"Just wanted to catch up," he replies, feigning innocence.
While he stalls for time to think about what he's going to say next, he scrutinizes Regulus. It's been a long few years of only occasional glances of each other on the way to class. Sirius never really paid closer attention until now, Somehow, he doesn't look much different. Just taller. Maybe a little bit thinner as well. And more… tired.
Regulus folds his arms across his chest and looks away from Sirius, but he doesn't leave. Sirius takes that as a good sign.
Neither brother says anything. Sirius is waiting for Regulus to say something, anything that could give him an excuse to leave. Regulus is refusing to speak, no doubt waiting for Sirius to give up and leave on his own.
It's Sirius who breaks first.
"Are Mother and Father treating you well?"
Regulus's head snaps up and his stares into Sirius's eyes.
"What?"
Sirius tried to keep his tone light and casual, concealing any real concern he felt. He wonders if Regulus saw through it. The brothers were never good at lying to each other.
"I just want to know if things are okay at home," he insists. "Er, your home, I mean."
Regulus's grey eyes turn cold. It's a defense that Sirius recognizes all too well. He saw it reflected back at him in the mirror every time he went back to Grimmuald Place for the holidays.
"And how is that any of your business?" Regulus hisses. "No coming back, remember? Mother and Father's treatment of me hasn't been any concern of yours for the past two years. Why should that change now?"
The anger and the cold detachment are things that Sirius knows; they're things he can deal with. He finds himself relieved by it, in a way. An emotional reunion would have been way out of his comfort zone.
"Are they forcing you to do anything that you don't want to do?" Sirius presses. "Or your friends are? Or maybe Cissy or Bella? I hear Cissy's new husband is a real world class git. Is he trying to push you into anything… y'know… bad?"
Regulus goes rigid and swallows hard. He stares at Sirius dead on, his jaw set stubbornly. A silent understanding passes between the two brothers in the prolonged silence that follows.
Regulus knows that Sirius knows.
It's a weight off Sirius's chest, knowing he doesn't have to say it outright. He came all the way here, faced Regulus, and didn't leave when he had ample opportunity to. Shouldn't that be enough?
"That's none of your business," Regulus repeats lowly. "You left to live your own life. Stay out of mine."
His words hit Sirius like a bludger to the chest. It stings more than he would ever admit out loud, the reminder that he abandoned his brother to live with those absolute monsters. He's not sure how to put his guilt into words that Regulus would accept.
So he decides to get angry back.
"You didn't want to come with me!" he snaps. "I gave you the choice, but you'd rather stay in that hell hole and do whatever Mummy tells you to. Isn't that right?"
Regulus's large eyes shine with sadness. It's almost enough to make Sirius reconsider this course of action.
Almost.
"That isn't true," Regulus whispers. Sirius scoffs.
"Oh really? Then why are you planning on letting a homicidal maniac use dark magic on your fucking arm?!"
The effect his words have on Regulus is instantaneous. He turns white as a sheet and jerks his head around, looking to see if there were any potential witnesses. Sirius feels disgust.
His brother is already in so deep.
"What else was I supposed to do?" he whispers desperately. "He doesn't distinguish between his enemies and people who refuse to pick a side. I don't want to die, Sirius."
I don't want to die.
The crippling fear in Regulus's voice when he utters that last sentence stuns Sirius into silence. How, in all of this mess, did he somehow manage to forget that Regulus is only sixteen years old?
It isn't fair. A sixteen year old shouldn't be forced to choose sides in a war. Regulus is no fool. He knows which side is looking stronger at the moment. He also knows which side will earn him his parents' favor.
If Sirius was a little bit weaker and a little bit younger, he may have done the same.
He reaches out and grabs Regulus by the shoulders. He wants to throttle him until that idiotic plan of his falls right out of his brain, but he squashes the urge.
"It's not too late to back out, Reg. You're not gonna die if you don't join him. You think I would let that happen?"
Standing there in that moment, with his hands on Regulus's shoulders and a playful lilt to his voice, Sirius is reminded of old times. Where it was him and Regulus against the world. Sirius was always the brave one, his brother's protector. He kept him safe from his mother's violent mood swings and the boggart that took up residence in their dresser. Even after Sirius was placed in Gryffindor, he was just glad that his parents now focused their anger on him exclusively and left his little brother alone.
When did things between them change so drastically?
Regulus jerks away from Sirius's grasp, his expression grim.
"It's too late for me to back out now, Sirius."
He rolls up the sleeve of his robe to reveal a vivd red tattoo of a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth.
Sirius feels his heart drop down into his stomach. He thought Regulus wasn't getting the mark until Christmas break. He thought he had plenty of time to talk him out of it. Yet here it is, mocking him for his inaction.
Out of a sick kind of curiosity, Sirius reaches his hand towards the mark. He traces it lightly. The skin underneath is raised, just like a normal tattoo, but a shock goes through his spine when he makes contact with it. He's sure he just imagined it, but it still unsettles him.
He breathes a sigh of relief when Regulus rolls his sleeve back down.
"You see? He'll always know where I am now. My life belongs to him."
Sirius hates this. He hates feeling so helpless to do anything to help his brother.
"Regulus…," he breathes.
Regulus breaks eye contact with him, looking down at the floor. The conversation is over, and they both know it.
"Goodbye, Sirius. Take care of yourself."
He walks away, and Sirius lets him. As soon as he's out of sight, Sirius punches the wall as hard as he can. He grunts in pain when he feels his knuckles pop against the hard stone. When he pulls his fist away, he sees his blood decorating the wall.
In some deep crevice of his brain, a voice that sounds eerily similar to his mother's is telling him that he deserves it.
A/N: Thank you all so much for the kind reviews on chapter 11! It made my entire month! That being said, I hope you liked this chapter from Sirius's POV, and I hope I was able to do him some justice. :)