The Legend of Zelda, its characters and locations are all property of Nintendo. Any and all OCs and original locations belong to me unless specifically stated to belong to someone else.

Fashion Disaster
Chapter 7

"All right, my faithful minions," Kafei said, rubbing his hands together and giving Sheik, Kiro, and Rena a gleeful and, frankly, predatory look. All that was missing was him licking his lips like he was about to bite into something delicious.

Why did Sheik have to be saddled with such a creep for a cousin? Or, rather, when had Kafei gone from slightly deranged to downright insane? Must have been a gradual thing, because he couldn't rightly recall a moment where a switch was flipped in his cousin's head.

Must've been all this work in fashion. As an industry, it chewed up and spat out individuals at a frightening rate, and Kafei was just another victim forced to adapt or get churned up in the grinder with the rest of the poor souls who couldn't hack it.

Or so Sheik imagined as he, Kiro, and Rena were dragged towards one of the couches in the studio and forced to sit down while the minions unpacked the many, many boxes they'd brought up from the van. Clothes of all sorts were unfolded, and a million little discussions and arguments took place between the minions and Kafei as they decided on what the models were to wear.

"We start off slow and easy," Kafei announced, selecting three outfits from the arsenal. "Kiro, you're the lead in the first series. Sheik, Rena, you'll be background."

"Oh, thank fuck," Sheik exclaimed with relief.

"Happy, Sheik?" Kafei asked, giving him a curious look.

"Obviously?" Sheik said. "Thought you'd be forcing me into that fucking bondage outfit and making me parade around again."

Kafei chuckled. "Oh, I'm definitely doing that, but not right away. We've got to build up to it. Besides, there's plenty of other outfits for you to wear in the meantime. Kiro, what do you think? The corset? Think it'd fit him?"

Sheik gave Kiro a pleading look, hoping to convey just how little he thought of that idea. A fucking corset? Really? As if pleather schoolgirl outfit wasn't bad enough?!

Kiro looked doubtful for a moment, but Kafei cleared his throat meaningfully after a few seconds of absolute silence.

"I suppose you can wear it instead," Kafei said.

"Sheik can wear it!" Kiro exclaimed. "It'll look really good on him, too! His waist is practically made for it!"

"You fucking traitor!" Sheik shrieked, trying to launch himself off the couch to throttle the backstabbing bastard, but Kafei was there to keep him down with a firm grip on his shoulder. "I am not wearing a corset!" he told his cousin in no uncertain terms.

"Yeah, you are," Kafei said cheerfully. "Don't worry, we won't lace it too tight." He gave Sheik another considering look. "Hm...maybe the thigh highs? And the skirt? We want the zettai ryōiki factor...but perhaps it's better to save it for the main attraction?"

"I think we should save it," Rena chimed in completely unnecessarily, in Sheik's opinion, looking very into the idea. "You said you wanted to build up to that, so..."

"You're right," Kafei agreed, nodding and giving his minions a hand signal. "Ninja corset assassin it is! Get to work, people!"

The minions gave an enthusiastic shout, and Sheik was once more forced to endure pure hell.

Link and Zelda were running through the light settings again, trying their best to ignore the shrieking and shouting going on behind them.

"He's a loud one, isn't he?" Zelda asked, clicking through the lamp's pre-sets. "You'd think they were torturing him."

"Did you see the outfit he wore on the catwalk?" Link asked, keeping his gaze firmly on the lights' control panel, refusing to even admit that he wanted to look. "Getting into it probably is torture."

He wanted to look.

So, so badly.

Unpleasant as he was, Ishida was one of the most beautiful people Link had ever seen, and while his personality was like an extra-sour lemon, he sure wasn't difficult to look at. Something about that combination of red eyes, silvery-golden hair, and dark skin, and a face that wouldn't have been out of place on old marble statues just made Link's heart beat a little faster every time he saw them.

And then Ishida would open his mouth and pure hell would emerge from it in the form of a sonic weapon that was, Link suspected, capable of breaking glass if amplified just a little. He could only hope Zelda's office windows were sturdy, otherwise they might have a problem later if yet another thing upset the model.

"Actually, Kaf, I've got an idea," the female model, Rena, said. "How about this, this, and this, combined with this?"

"You want to cover him up?" the designer asked, sounding sceptical. Why he was so keen on keeping his cousin dressed skimpily, Link didn't want to know, but he'd be lying if he said he minded the results. "Why?"

Yeah, why?

"Not right away. I was thinking maybe..." Rena's voice dropped to a quiet whisper, and Link found himself turning his head slightly in a weak attempt to eavesdrop. He could swear his ear was twitching, trying to find the best angle to bounce the noise into his eardrum.

"What the hell are you two whispering about?!" Ishida snarled.

"So loud," Zelda repeated. She was having some trouble of her own, apparently, trying not to look too interested in Shinobi's lone security guard.

The Sheikah, Paya, had positioned herself near Zelda's desk, keeping a close eye on everything, her eyes roaming the room at irregular intervals, but always watching, analysing. She was physically imposing, but she also kept out of the way, clearly experienced in this job.

Link wondered if she'd ever had to deal with being the centre of attention, unlike her employers and charges. If not, she was about to have a crash course since he very much doubted his sister, the very definition of thirst when someone piqued her interest, inevitably lost the battle of wills between her professionalism and...well, her unprofessionalism.

Link gave Zelda about fifteen minutes before she broke.

"Do I look like a stripper to you?!" Ishida shrieked once whatever plan Rena had come up with was explained to him.

Link fought down the urge to voice his opinion, which was mostly based on the catwalk outfit. What else could that outfit possibly be used for?

"No?" Kafei said. "They carry themselves differently. Look at you, you're slouching!"

"I'm trying to relax!"

"Who said you could relax? We're all on the clock here!"

"Paya-nee!"

Ishida's tone turned a little whiny, and Link dared to look back just in time to catch Paya rolling her eyes at her cousin (or second...or third...cousin? Their family tree was a confusing mess despite the quick rundown Kafei had given them).

"Kafei, we are not in a time crunch yet," Paya said evenly. "Calm down."

"Easy for you to say," Kafei muttered. "You're not the one paying the fees."

"Ah, small labels, gotta love 'em," Zelda whispered, eyes glued to Paya as the suit-clad guard walked over to the huddle of Sheikah, giving both Kafei and Ishida a talk in their native tongue. Her eyes widened a little. "Hylia, that language! Those rolling Rs!"

Link adjusted his internal bet with himself to ten minutes. At most she'd last that long before throwing herself at the Sheikah and asking her if she wants to make out in the stairwell.

"Please don't make out with her in the stairwell," he muttered.

Zelda didn't even pretend to be outraged. "Oh, wouldn't dream of it," she said. "A girl like that, you take to the roof. Her hair must be so beautiful in the sun..."

"Enough with the powder!"

"Look, Ani, you gotta pull harder otherwise the thing'll slip down and expose his nipples!"

"I fail to see the issue."

"Yeah, well, I see it pretty fucking clearly!" Ishida shouted. "Pull, damn it!"

"That's the spirit, Sheik! Let's lace you up nice and snug!"

"Get your hands off me!"

Link didn't really catch the last part of the shouting match, his mind's eye taking the words he heard and creating some very vivid images. Very vivid, pleasant images indeed. It wasn't a crime to imagine things, was it?

Beside him, Zelda winced. "I wonder if I have any earplugs lying around..." When Link didn't respond, she looked at him with a smug grin. "Where are you taking Ishida, huh? He doesn't strike me as a stairwell kind of guy."

Link, rudely brought back to reality, huffed and turned away as his cheeks warmed up considerably. "I wasn't thinking about that!"

"Sure you weren't, little brother," Zelda said, her tone conveying no such thing as assurance. "Sure you weren't. There's a broom cupboard near the elevator, maybe a quick tryst in there will—"

"Shut up, please!"

Link looked into the viewfinder, swallowing nervously as the three models walked in front of the screen, all wearing variations of the outfits Link had seen at the fashion show.

Ishida had been forced into something that made him look like a ninja prostitute of sorts. His upper body was mostly covered by the fake leather corset Kafei had gushed about, his lower covered in sinfully short...well, shorts that didn't really cover anything, displaying long, muscular and very smooth legs. The view only ended when one reached his ankles, where those weird ninja shoes with the separate toe covered up his feet. He was wearing elbow-length gloves that, with the exception of the hand part, was mostly fishnet. His hair was pulled up into a bun and held in place with criss-crossing sticks, the lower half of his face hidden by a mask.

Kiro and Rena were, by comparison, practically chaste in their outfits, being mostly generic ninja outfits, though skin-tight and showing off their bodies with strategically placed fishnet windows. Interestingly enough, Kiro had the outfit where the fishnet gave the viewer a full view of his chest.

Kafei had...interesting ideas about what should be everyday wear.

They stood there for a moment, Kiro and Rena looking comfortable, while Ishida looked like he couldn't figure out how he wanted to stand, continually fidgeting and picking at his clothes, which Kafei kept hissing at him for.

Link swallowed again. Right, it was his turn now, wasn't it? He drew a breath but found himself unable to say anything. He tried again. Failed again.

"Right," Zelda said, slightly behind and to the left of him, operating the secondary camera. "Why don't we just warm up a bit? You guys just pose—explore the space a little—and we'll take some test pictures, figure out the lighting and such, yeah?"

"Sounds good to me, boss," Kiro said, turning to Rena and nodding. "Bodyguards?"

"Bodyguards," Rena confirmed.

Ishida looked confused. "What do you mea—wah!"

He was pulled to stand between the two of them, who struck dramatic and imposing poses, like they were Ishida's protectors and about to kick the ass of someone who'd insulted or threatened him. Ishida himself stood there awkwardly, unable to find to his balance or something to do with his hands, which he kept stiffly at his sides.

It was almost like he was...nervous?

Link shook his head. Couldn't be. The Ishida he'd seen on the catwalk had been the very definition of confidence. There hadn't been a single shred of doubt or anxiety in that walk, in the swaying of those hips, in the twirl, in the smirk. Sure, he couldn't see Ishida's face because of the mask at the moment but Link highly doubted he'd be displaying another one of those confident grins right then.

He didn't have much time to contemplate it, however, as Zelda's camera began to click, the lights flashing at different tempos as she tried out different settings. It reminded Link that he was there to do a job, and so he looked into the viewfinder once more, and started shooting.

Sheik could safely say he had never been this uncomfortable in his life. Stuck between Kiro and Rena, who seemed like they'd been born to do this shit, he felt about as graceful as a potato with arms and legs. They posed like they were awesome bodyguards, but what did that leave him as?

"Easy," Kafei said, surrounded by his minions just behind the cameras, looking eager, "you're the mysterious courtesan they're protecting! The coy beauty that everyone wants a piece of! Try to look seductive, like you know how much everyone wants you, but that they can also never have you!"

"That's so messed up," he muttered, awkwardly doing his best to look seductive. He had a feeling he was anything but, especially judging by the Hyrule girl's grimace behind her camera.

The other Hyrule was suspiciously quiet, but his face was hidden behind his gear, so Sheik couldn't gauge his reaction.

Not that he cared, of course. If anything, it was a blessing he couldn't see the guy drooling all over him again.

"Sheik," Rena said quietly, "try taking a deep breath and stretching."

He did so.

"Now, place your foot like this, and your other foot like this," Rena continued, instructing Sheik to assume a pose that was half-turned away, like he was about to leave whatever room he and his guards were standing in, looking over his shoulder at the viewer...that is, the camera.

"Oh, that's a good one," Kafei said happily. "But you look like you're about to throw up, Sheik. Try lowering your eyelids a little. You're about to walk away triumphantly from a room full of people knocked out by your beauty!"

Sheik tried to imagine such a scenario...and all he could imagine was either running away from such a room at full speed...or threatening to tie everyone inside into knots. Fuck, he didn't need guards for that, he'd do it himself single-handedly!

"Curve your spine a little," Kiro suddenly said, joining in on the instruction. "You're looking far too tense."

"Put your right hand on your hip, and the other on my shoulder," Rena said. "Like you're saying you're leaving it to me."

"What is this," Sheik said, "a roleplaying session?"

"Er, yes?" Zelda said. "If that works for you."

"It does not—hey!"

Kiro grabbed Sheik by the hips and made him stick his butt out a little...towards the camera. Fucking perv.

"That's your money-maker," Kiro said with a wink.

There was a series of clicks and flashes as another round of photos were taken.

"Much better," Zelda said. "How about yours, Link?"

"B-Better, yeah," Link said, still refusing to peek out from behind his gear. The coward. "Um..."

"What?" Sheik asked icily.

"C-Could you maybe smile?" Link asked. "I can kind of tell that you're scowling under the mask. It doesn't really make you look the kind of arrogant we're going for."

Huh.

Well, at least he wasn't asking Sheik to spread his legs more or some other disgusting thing.

Smiling, huh?

Well, Sheik could do that.

He plastered on a big, fake smile under his mask, feeling the edges of his mask rubbing against his cheeks as the muscles of his face shifted under his skin. Right, maybe this was more of a psychotic grin, but what could he do? This was a completely psychotic situation!

"That's a little too much," Link commented from behind the camera, finally peeking out from behind it to look Sheik directly in the eyes. He looked supremely uncomfortable while doing it...but at least there was no drool to be seen. "You're confident, not deranged."

Sheik growled. "Oh, I'll show you deranged—"

"He's right, Sheik," Kafei said, cutting him off. "You look a bit like a comic book villain about to kill his arch-enemy. Tone it down just a bit, like...like that time you completely humiliated that kid who was, like, twice your size in the judo ring back when we were kids."

Oh...that had been a good day. Just the memory of easily slipping through that arrogant piece of shit's defences and throwing him to the floor with barely any effort put a smile on his face.

Evidently, the right one, too.

"Perfect!" Zelda exclaimed. "Link, shoot, shoot!"

"On it," Link announced, and Sheik spent the next couple of seconds being blinded by the flash as he did his best to maintain the smile under his mask.

It was interesting, how different Ishida was when being photographed than he was at...well, at any other time. He almost seemed a little shy, accepting corrections not only from his fellow models, but Kafei and even Link with barely any cursing at all.

Where his confidence from the catwalk had gone, Link had no idea, but he found that he quite liked this side of Ishida as well. He'd been expecting a lot of pushback whenever he nervously made suggestions to the poses the three of them could try, but there was barely any at all.

Well, not physically at least. He still mumbled and cursed, but it was a far cry from the earlier shouting.

"Ahem," Zelda cleared her throat pointedly, drawing Link's attention. "Link, could you take a look at this shot..."

He looked at the screen of the secondary camera but didn't find a shot there. Instead, Zelda yanked his head closer, so his ear was near her mouth.

"You gotta get in the game, little brother," she whispered. "A lead photographer is supposed to keep making suggestions and direct the shoot the whole time. You've barely said a word. Shinobi will see through the ruse at this rate."

"I'm not good at giving orders, you know that," Link whispered back.

"Oh, Link...look, how about this: Pretend you're out in the wilds, right? Pretend that you've just spotted a family of wolves—three of them, in fact. Now, imagine that instead of just having to make do with whatever poses and such you can shoot, imagine that you're able to give them orders. Imagine that you can make a group of wolves pose exactly the way you want. Like...like that stupid T-shirt. Imagine you can make them pose like they do on that!"

Link leaned back and stared at his sister with a look he truly hoped conveyed his incredulity. "What does that even mean? Half the point in taking nature photographs is that they're not posed like that! They're as natural as they can get!"

"I don't fucking know what I'm saying at this point," Zelda said. "Between you playing the wallflower and Paya over there looking like an avatar of the goddess of beauty, I'm desperate to get this thing moving! My reputation is at stake, damn it! Look, just...just look at the three of them, and know you can make them stand, pose, and do whatever you want them to! They're ninjas, for Hylia's sake! Make them do ninja stuff!"

Link mulled it over for a moment. Ninja stuff, huh? Well...he could work with that. If anyone didn't like what he was doing, he assumed they'd interfere.

"Okay," he said, nodding. "Let's try it." He went back to his camera and cleared his throat, drawing the models' attention to himself. "So...uh...you're ninjas, right?"

"What, in real life or in the shoot?" Ishida drawled.

"Very funny," Link replied. "The shoot."

"Your guess is as good as mine," Ishida said, looking to his cousin for the definite answer. "What do you say, Kaf? Ninjas?"

"What could possibly give you that idea?" Kafei asked, sounding incredulous. "It's only the whole image of what I designed this collection around!"

Ishida nodded and looked back at Link. "Yeah, ninjas."

Link fought down a grin. Ishida was an ass, for sure, but he sure was entertaining when he was being an ass to someone other than Link.

"Right, so," Link continued, fighting through his suddenly very mixed feelings about the model, "if you guys are ninjas, maybe we should lean even further into that."

"How so?" Kiro asked.

"Well, you know...do some cool poses and stuff? Really pretend to be ninjas?" He thought about it for a moment. "I mean, do any of you do martial arts? Maybe you can do some poses from that?"

The whole room suddenly fell silent, and Link grew nervous at the identical smirks that came to Kiro and Rena's faces, as well as the way Ishida's face muscles twitched under his mask, suggesting another grin. The three of them exchanged a look, and Ishida said,

"Sure, how about this?"

As one, they each assumed a pose that was, Link assumed, to do with martial arts. He was by no means an expert, but he could tell by the practised and comfortable way they moved into the positions that it was something they'd done before, many times.

Now they weren't just models pretending to be dangerous ninjas. They were dangerous ninjas! Link took several photos, suggesting minute changes that only made the pictures better and better.

He wasn't sure if this was doing wonders for the shoot itself, but Ishida was certainly far more into the idea, his stiff awkwardness from before melting into smooth and fluid movements that were, in a way, far more graceful than Link had assumed he'd be capable of.

"Now we're talking," Kafei said, sounding happy. "More of that, please!"

"Yeah, this is good stuff!" Zelda agreed, her own camera clicking away. "Rena, could you turn a little more towards me, please?"

"Of course," Rena said, doing so.

"Perfect," Zelda said. "Your shadow mirrors you perfectly like that, makes for a compelling composition. Link, make sure you get a few pics too!"

"Got it," Link said, regretfully turning his viewfinder away from Ishida for a moment. There was something mesmerising about the way Ishida's thigh muscles rippled as he sank into low poses, and Link was worried about subconsciously focusing his photos on those.

Or any of the other parts of him that were on display.

Fuck, was he about to start drooling again?

I am such a fucking disaster, he thought, ducking behind his camera again, just in case.

He failed to notice Kafei giving him a calculating look, a grin slowly spreading on the designer's face.

Honestly, this could be a whole lot worse, Sheik decided.

They were a few hours into the shoot now, and while the first half hour or so had been incredibly awkward for both the models and the photographers, once Hyrule found his stride and began to give out commands rather than suggestions, everything seemed to fall in place.

Of course, his outfits were still embarrassing as fuck. The catwalk outfit made an unwelcome appearance once more, but luckily Kafei didn't demand that Sheik twirl to show off the damned panties again. Hyrule didn't start drooling, either, which Sheik considered a triumph on everyone's account.

On the other hand, his sister appeared to be on the verge of starting to drool over Paya-nee, which would be an unforgivable crime that Sheik could never tolerate, so he kept a close eye on her.

"A little more hostility please, Mr. Ishida," Zelda said. "Pretend like all you want to do is, like, slit my throat or something for insulting your family!"

"No problem," he said, putting everything he was feeling about the girl into the smouldering glare he directed towards her camera.

Stay the fuck away from Paya-nee, you perv, he thought.

"Ishida," Hyrule said, drawing Sheik's attention. "Crouch down and hold out your knife in a reverse grip, like you're standing guard over your lord on the floor behind you."

Sheik did so, flipping the prop kunai he was holding so the blade was pointing down, doing his best to pretend he was protecting his charge. "Like this?" he asked.

"Left leg a little more forward," Hyrule said.

Sheik obeyed, finding that he liked this confident side of Hyrule a lot more than the awkward, fumbling idiot from before. He also appreciated the fact that this pose made his skirt droop down and cover him up a little more. It seemed the Hylian wasn't just interested in what was under his skirt.

...and why the fuck did that make Sheik's heart beat a little faster?

Nah, couldn't be. Must be the whole situation making him anxious and uncertain, and the stage lights...and the fucking starvation he'd put himself through for this day. His heart was working overtime, of course it'd be beating a little faster now and then.

Speaking of the stage lights, it was getting really fucking hot in here. There were at least twelve strong bulbs beaming down on the three of them which, combined with the strain of some of the poses they assumed, was making Sheik feel like he was standing in a damned desert.

"Link?" Zelda asked. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Hyrule said as he stepped away from the camera and unzipped his hoodie. "Just need to take this thing off, I'm about to melt in here!"

Fair enough, Sheik thought. Hyrule wasn't standing in the direct line of fire from the lamps, but that bulky hoodie was probably still unbearably hot, and he couldn't blame him for...for...

...for...

...what was he thinking about again?

His train of thought came to a grinding halt as the hoodie fell away, revealing that Hyrule was wearing a black T-shirt beneath...and it was tight.

So.

Fucking.

Tight.

Where Sheik had assumed Hyrule to be a little pudgy because of the hoodie, he was proven entirely wrong by the physique the photographer had been hiding.

The guy was fucking ripped!

Sheik could see his abs through his shirt, for Din's sake! How was that even possible?! It clung to him like a second layer of skin! And his pecs! And the biceps! The triceps! His waist narrowed to an almost unfair degree, though everything beneath it was hidden by his slightly baggy jeans. Even so, it was clear this guy didn't skip leg day at the gym!

"Whoo, that's better," Hyrule said, sighing in relief.

"I'll say," Kafei commented from the couch, where he was preparing a new outfit with his minions, whistling appreciatively. "You should throw that hoodie away, Mr. Hyrule. It does not do you justice."

Sheik gritted his teeth. Fucking Kafei, flirting so openly like that. Didn't he know how inappropriate that was? Besides, Hyrule's focus was supposed to be on him, not the purple idiot!

...wait, what?

He shook his head. His head was getting woozy. Blood sugar was getting dangerously low, probably.

Yeah, that was it.

What time was it? Surely they'd break for lunch soon? Was Zelda ever going to feed them?

"Right, where were we?" Hyrule said, looking at the models. "Hm...right. Ishida, maybe you could...no, wait, that'll just be an upskirt shot..."

"I fail to see the problem," Kafei said happily. "Make him do a cartwheel!"

He wasn't sure what it was about that statement that made Sheik see red, but it definitely fucking did.

"Yeah, well, I fucking do!" he shrieked as loudly as he could. "Why do they—"he gestured to Kiro and Rena, in their outfits that were only slightly skimpy"—get to cover up while I'm looking like I'm about to start dancing on a pole at any moment?!"

Next to Kafei, Hyrule had winced at his high-pitched tone, but seemed otherwise unbothered by his outburst. Unlike everyone else in the room, who grimaced and covered their ears a little.

Weaklings.

"Because you look damn good in those outfits?" Kafei suggested. Sheik's glare made him falter a little. "Well, I don't really have any other outfits with your measurements."

"Kiro and I are identical in size! You said so yourself!"

"More or less," Kafei conceded, "but he's a little...bulkier? A little more physically imposing than you are. You're more...delicate—"

"Delicate?!" Sheik shrieked even louder.

"...until you open your mouth, at least," Kafei amended. He sighed. "Well, I have do have one outfit that's a little more covering, but I'm not sure it's your st—"

"I'll take it!"

He was tired of being paraded around half-naked. It was one of the other's turn now!

His cousin looked ready to argue, but Paya's quiet voice from the other side of the studio cut him short.

"Let him cover up, Kafei," she said. "You've got enough skimpy shots."

Kafei sighed. "Fine," he said in a whiny tone. "But don't say I didn't try to warn you, Sheik."

"As long as it doesn't show my ass, I'm happy," Sheik said confidently.

He'd regret his words very shortly after.