I was sitting in the living room with all the lights off when I heard the familiar sound of the wheelchair squeaking through the house.
"Bella?" He asked hesitantly. "You ok?" Billy genuinely looked concerned, probably because I was sitting there like a zombie. The skin on my face was stiff from the tears that had dried there. My voice was barely above a whisper.
"I...uh….I can't sleep." He rolled his chair closer and took my hands to pull me to him. I laid my head over on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart. I know this is a lot to handle. Too much for you. For Jake too. I wish….." He trailed off, sounding like he was holding back from what he wanted to say. I sat up sniffing, and nodded.
"I know. It's just, nothing is familiar anymore. Everything has changed. Everything." I shuddered as my chest burned and ached from all the crying.
"That's not true. Bella, you still have us. We are your family, and no matter what happens, that will never change."
"But Jake, he wants me to find another way."
He sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. "Bella, if you knew of a way for Jake to stop phasing, to go back to his normal life, would you do it?"
"I would do anything for him to have a normal life again."
"What if it meant leaving him?"
I looked up at him, the same pain ripping through my chest that I had felt when he left me before. I clenched my teeth, knowing that if I could ever help him, I would, no matter how much it hurt me.
"So if I leave-"
"No! No, that's not what I meant. Bella, he loves you and wants you to be happy, and if that means getting away from all this, he is willing to suffer through losing you, for the sake of your own happiness."
I finally got it. I understood now why he had said what he did. Putting myself in his place, I knew I would do the same thing. I shook my head.
"I can't believe I didn't think about that. I can't even think straight anymore."
"I can tell. What happened to my sarcastic, don't-give-a-damn Bella?"
I chuckled at his description.
"I have no idea, but I wish I could find her. I think she could handle it better than this weeping, pathetic version."
"Well, you definitely need to find her, but first, you need to get some sleep." He wheeled into the kitchen, and came back a minute later with two pills and a glass of water.
"You're crazy if you think I'm taking any pills from you now. Who knows what creature I would turn into." I joked, smirking at him. He narrowed his eyes and I swallowed the pills.
"Don't worry, those are just some sleeping pills. It's what's in the water around here, that you really gotta worry about." He said with a smirk as he turned to go back to his room. I smiled after him and laid back down on the couch. I needed to think, and at the same time, clear my head.
I stared up at the ceiling, contemplating life as I now knew it, and the way I was currently handling it. Somehow I had lost my spine and my brain, and had been reduced to a pathetic excuse for a girl. I was stronger than this!
Of course, this was a lot, but I wasn't the only one being pulled into this three ring circus. Leah and Jake were the ones it was really affecting, and you didn't see them blubbering all over the place. Well, honestly I couldn't tell you what Leah was doing, I had only seen her for a couple minutes after her change before being pulled away.
If anything, I needed to be strong for them. I mean, if I was in their shoes, having to deal with morphing into an animal, I certainly wouldn't want some weepy friend around all the time where I would feel like I was babysitting.
I could feel my body give into the sedatives, and I felt both heavy, and like I was floating. Right before I gave in to sleep, I resolved to be a better person about all this. A stronger person.
I woke up the next morning, squinting at the light filtering through the window. I rolled away from it and curled into the wall of warmth I knew to be Jacob. I felt him run his hand lightly over my cheek, and I couldn't help but smile. I opened my eyes to see him staring back at me.
"Hey." I said smiling.
"Hey to you. Listen, about last night…"
"No, please, don't." I interrupted, lightly placing my fingers over his lips. "I really do understand now what you meant, and while I appreciate the
gesture, I'm gonna have to politely decline." His brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what I was talking about. I rolled my eyes and kissed him quickly. "Sorry Black, but I'm in this for the long haul, come hell or high water." I whispered across his lips.
"Promise?" He smirked back.
"Absolutely." I said firmly, before he returned my earlier kiss with fervor. He rolled me onto my back, and covered me with his body. I loved how he felt against me, his warmth completely enveloping me. My hands slid up both of his arms, feeling the muscles there flexing as he moved his arms, running his hands down my body, pushing the blankets away, his fingers slipping underneath the waistband of my sweatpants. I broke the kiss and gasped as I felt the tingle of electricity from his fingertips, spreading down farther with each swipe. My hands reached his shorts and slid beneath the band on his shorts, and he moaned at the sensations I was creating also. Unfortunately, that's when we were interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Jake! Bella! Come on! I'm hungry, and breakfast is ready!"
We both froze for a moment at the voice, then Jake dropped his head in exasperation, while I struggled out from under him.
"Jake! Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, pulling my bed hair back into a ponytail and smoothing out the clothes I had slept in.
"I didn't know she was here either!" He said pulling jeans on over his boxers. I whipped open the door and launched myself into Rachel.
"Merry Christmas Bells!" She squealed.
"Merry Christmas Rachel!" I answered.
"It's not Christmas yet, idiots." Jake said, rolling his eyes as he pushed past us, obviously still unhappy about being interrupted. I just made a face at him, while Rachel gave him a solid pop on the head before we resumed our talking, which probably lasted all of 2 hours, all the way through the breakfast that she had made us all, and through cleaning up afterwards.
"So are you all ready for Christmas? I figured you'd be at home baking hundreds of cookies and crap like that." She laughed. At the mention of me being home, I fell silent. I had forgot for a minute what was actually happening in the outside world. Outside of my happy little bubble here.
"Uh, I think we may just have Christmas here." Jake interceded for me.
"What? No! Why? We always have Christmas at Bells' house, it's tradition!" Rachel whined. And I agreed, even though I would be with my family for Christmas, it really wouldn't be the same having it here instead of my house.
"Well, there's been an issue that has come up that-"
"No." I said interrupting Jake. He and Billy turned to look at me like I had lost my mind, while Rachel looked relieved, but a bit confused.
"Bells," Jake said slowly. "What are you talking about?"
"No! Screw that bastard. He wants to take pictures, fine, let him take pictures, he can take pictures of us having Christmas at my house. I refuse to let him, or more or less the fear of him, rule my life." I turned to Rachel. "Don't worry babe, Christmas will be at my house like it always is." I said with a tight smile. By this point, her eyes were wide with confusion, but before I had a chance to explain, Jake was dragging me toward the back door. I didn't say anything until he got me outside, and I let him go first. I knew he was not happy.
"Bella, you have no idea what you're dealing with." He said through clenched teeth. I jerked my arm out of his hold.
"I don't care what he is-" He stopped me with a hand over my mouth, and look that shut me up. He removed it slowly, and I started over, but with a lowered voice.
"Jake, I don't care what he is, it's not fair to me, to us, to just keep hiding from him. Besides, you're going to be there the whole time, right?"
He stood with his hands on his hips, reluctantly nodding in agreement.
"And I assume the rest of the pack won't be too far away, they can-"
"We can't just assume they will be willing to run patrols around your house on Christmas. I just can't ask that of them."
"You don't have to." We looked to see Sam come out of the woods. Forgetting for a moment that I still hated him, I smiled brightly at him, and turned back to Jake.
"Sam, no, that's not fair to you or the others." Jake countered.
"Relax, we can take shifts so that our families will never know what's going on. If you feel better, you can just think of it as us setting a trap."
I heard Jake growl as he pulled me behind him. "You will not use her as bait."
Sam and I both rolled our eyes.
"Down Cujo. You're gonna be there too. It isn't like he's sticking me on a hook and throwing me out into open water." I said sarcastically. Sam nodded, agreeing, and Jake relaxed a bit. "Besides, I doubt he'll do anything with you with you, Billy, and Rachel there, not to mention if there is at least one wolf walking the perimeter." Sam explained. Jake turned to face me.
"Bella, you have no idea what we're dealing with, and on top of him being already lethal, he's apparently psychotically obsessed with you-"
"I know!" I turned and yelled at him, losing my lightheartedness and quickly approaching yet another breaking point. "Don't you think I am aware of all of this? Everything that has gone on the past few weeks, you don't think I know this? I just, I just want some normalcy! I want normal, but I've accepted that normal is off the table, so can you just give me this?" I took a deep breath and softened my voice. "Please Jake, please just give me Christmas."
He pulled me to him and hugged me tight. I heard Sam retreating into the woods.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize it meant so much to you." He said softly into my hair. "We'll have Christmas at your house. And I'll make sure you're safe, I guess I just want to make sure you don't underestimate how dangerous he is." I pulled back and looked at him with a smirk.
"Sounds to me like you're underestimating yourself and the rest of the pack." He narrowed his eyes at me.
"Oh hell no, I could take that little punk and whoever else he's got working with him."
"Then what's the problem?" I teased. He looked at me seriously.
"I just don't want you anywhere near him. He could hurt you, or-" I raised up and interrupted him with a kiss.
"I know you would never let that happen though." Instead of answering, he pulled me tight and deepened the kiss. We stood there for awhile before We heard Rachel making gagging sounds from the back door. I flipped her the bird without looking.
"Whatever! So are we gonna go over to your house or what? You have some serious baking to do."
Jake bent down and whispered for me to stall Rachel, so he and the others could run over first and clean up everything before we got over there. I was able to give them right at an hour thanks to a long relaxing shower, and I gave Rachel a very quick and edited rundown of what all had happened, while I got dressed.
I had a stalker, someone I had went to school with, and although he had dropped out, he was still hanging around Forks somewhere.
She understood Jake's hesitancy for me to come back here, but also understood my point about not letting fear rule your life. Although, I'm sure if she knew the exact circumstances, she would see things a little differently. But honestly, with one wolf in the house, and at least one in the surrounding areas, I can't imagine he would do anything.
I suddenly felt guilty for putting the pack in unnecessary danger. Was this stupid? I mean, it was just a silly tradition, it's not like it wouldn't be Christmas if we had it at the Black's house. Rachel apparently knew I was in deep thought because I was walking up the front steps before I realized I hadn't said one word the entire car ride over.
I opened the door and held my breath, not knowing what to expect. I blew it out, relieved to find the pictures were gone. A couple of the small table lamps had been turned on to give it that cozy feel that Jake knew I liked. Rachel pushed past me.
"Well let me in already, it's cold out here!" Rachel complained as she pushed past me with her suitcase. I heard her stomp upstairs, dragging the case behind her, as I headed into the living room to turn on the lights. It was still fairly early, but the cloud cover made the sky much darker than it should have been. I stood at the window, watching the falling snow swirl around in the wind.
"You ok?"
I turned to see Rachel standing in the entryway to the living room. I smiled back at her.
"Yep! Let's get baking!"
Hours later, and dozens of cookies, brownies, fudge, and pies later, Rachel, Jacob and I were lounging in the living room.
"Alright, I give up. I'm going to bed." Rachel conceded as she stood up.
"It's only nine thirty!" I said through a yawn. She laughed.
"Exactly! I'll see you guys in the morning." And she trudged upstairs.
"Finally!" Jake said as he pulled me into his lap. I laughed and pulled away.
"No way, not with your sister in the same house!" I whispered. He rolled his eyes.
"So, you seem like you're doing a little better with all this." He said with a smile.
"Well, with the exception of my little breakdown this morning, I'm really trying to be better about it. I know I got pretty pathetic there for a bit."
"Oh please. This is a lot to throw on you. Hell, it's a lot to throw on me! You only reacted the natural way. I'm just glad you didn't run away screaming." He chuckled. I smiled and leaned against him.
"No way. As long as I've got you, bring on the big baddies, I'm not worried."
"Ok Buffy." He laughed and rolled his eyes.
"I do have one question though that I never really got around to asking before." I asked hesitantly. I didn't know how eager Jake was to talk about all this, and how in depth he wanted, or was allowed, to go with all the information. "Umm, so I gather after everything, Sam isn't really the bad guy in all of this, although I think he could have done more to prepare you for all this."
"Well, I will say that he is definitely not the bad guy. He's been amazing helping us through this, I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had someone like him to help me. And while I completely understand why you think he should have warned us, it wasn't his call. He wasn't allowed to, and that's on the elders of the tribe, so be mad at them." He smirked.
"Well, don't worry, I am. But I was also wondering, if he truly isn't a bad guy, then what happened with Leah?" Jake stiffened and became obviously uncomfortable.
"That was something…..different."
"So it didn't have anything to do with his change?"
"No, I don't mean that, I mean….ugh. It's hard to explain." He dug the heel of his hand into his temple.
"Did his change cause him to stop loving her?"
"Well, yes and no. I mean, his feelings for her were real, but his feeling for Emily are very real too."
"But people don't just switch their feelings on and off like that, that isn't natural. Something caused it." My brain was processing all this, working things out. I narrowed my eyes at him. "What are you not telling me?"
He huffed out a breath. "This is….a lot. I mean, even compared to everything else, this is really heavy." I really don't know why he thought that would sustain me.
Oh, it's a lot to deal with? Then by all means, keep it to yourself!
"Tell. Me." I leveled at him. He clenched his jaw and shut his eyes.
"Fine." He started. "What happened with Sam, it's called imprinting. When a wolf imprints, it's pretty much finding your soulmate, only, you don't have any control over it. As soon as he saw Emily, everything that he had felt for Leah just fell to the background, and suddenly nothing else mattered, except for Emily." He stopped talking and just looked at me, presumably for a reaction.
"That is the most beautiful, yet horrific thing I have ever heard." I told him, being completely honest. He chuckled, nodding his head a bit. "So, what if Emily hadn't felt the same? What, she's forced into this imprint thing?"
"No!" He said quickly. "No, no way. That's totally up to her. If she wanted to walk away, then Sam would let her. But there would never be anyone else for Sam. He would be alone for the rest of his life."
"That doesn't seem very fair." I said softly. I looked up at him. "So…..does everyone have that happen to them? Does everyone imprint?" He looked at me and nodded slowly. My heart started racing, my throat constricted as I considered the implication.
"Bella," He whispered. "We really don't have to talk about this-"
"No! It's better that I know, right? I mean, if you're going to be imprinting one day, I think I deserve to be prepared for that, don't you think?"
I was starting to feel on the verge of hysterics, so I got up and walked over to the window, looking away, trying to calm my nerves before I lost it completely.
"Bells, please calm down." Jake said evenly, but I was still trying to even get to the point of words. I was devastated. After all this, all that we had been through, to know he would still be taken away from me, and neither one of us could do anything about it. I would eventually have to stand by as he fell in love with someone else, loved them deeper and stronger than he had ever loved me. My stomach rolled at the thought of him being happy with someone else, being intimate with someone else. It was more than I could take. I felt him stand behind me and put his arms around me, but I jerked away.
"No! How can you be so calm?" I now had those stupid tears running down my face again. "How can you be ok with all this? Unless you.." I gasped as the thought hit me. "Oh my God, you've already done it. You've already imprinted." I saw the resignation in his face and I suddenly felt dizzy and lightheaded. I stumbled away from him.
"Bella!" He said louder, grabbing my arm and keeping me from falling. "Stop it! You don't understand! Bella listen to me!" My blurry eyes met his.
"It's you, Bella. I've imprinted on you."