Nie Huaisang's first love had arrived like an avalanche breaking the perpetual stillness of his days, shaking his heart with incomparable passion. His mind had always been, from childhood, filled with dreams, images and stories, but this particular feeling had turned everything upside down and taken a very special place in his thoughts. Since then, he had not gone a single day without cherishing this love, trembling with happiness and imagining the sweetest things, dreaming to share words, sighs and longings. Then the silent ecstasy turned to equally silent suffering. Now, whenever he met Meng Yao's gaze and saw him smile, he felt like he received a stab in the heart knowing that he would never belong to him, and he had to carefully cover up his pain to make sure that Meng Yao's keen eyes did not notice it.
Nie Huaisang understood very well when Nie Mingjue appointed him second general that there was something between his brother and Meng Yao. It was obvious, they were so close, got along so well, and spent most of their time together. The gorgeous, gentle and so intelligent Meng Yao would never choose someone with a clumsy and awkward appearance like Nie Huaisang. Meng Yao admired men like Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen, tall, imposing and powerful, with charisma and diligence.
When Meng Yao had officially met Lan Xichen, Nie Huaisang almost choked on jealousy when he saw the tender and stunned look in his eyes as he stared at the sect leader. He had so wanted that look to be given to him; but Meng Yao would never have such reverence for him.
He had tried to forget Meng Yao, to bury his love deep within himself and to burn it to ashes, but it was impossible. His whole being, his soul and his body wanted this man, wanted to embrace him, to touch him, to understand the secrets of his heart and to reveal his own. Meng Yao was always around him, beaming like a distant and unreachable star, and Nie Huaisang could only look at him and talk to him as a friend, feeling an ever stronger and painful love.
So as not to go mad, he had found a way to express his own reverence; he painted Meng Yao's face on canvas, surrounded by gold, silver and sapphire, in sublime and moving poses. His first portrait was relatively small, showing him with his hair loose and his eyes half-closed facing the sun, the light shimmering in his dark and happy eyes. Then, the following ones had became taller and more complex, showing his whole body in the most magnificient way. To keep it as discreet as possible, Nie Huaisang used canvases instead of frames and rolled them up in parchments he hid in a wood chest. During the day, when his bedroom door was locked, he watched them tirelessly. His heart ached, but being able to look at Meng Yao's face was ironically the one thing that kept him from being tortured by loneliness.
He loved each of the portraits, even the one that showed him with a dark, cold face, inspired by a time he had seen Meng Yao have that expression after someone had insulted him. He wanted so much to dig beneath the surface, to see every facet of him, not just the polished facade he was showing the world. He also wanted him from a more… carnal perspective. These thoughts made Nie Huaisang blush and stir shame in his stomach, as Meng Yao was only to share this with Nie Mingjue. Nie Huaisang had therefore found another way to express them.
Nie Mingjue knocked on the door of Nie Huaisang's room and was surprised not to hear an answer; it was late at night and he was usually present at such a time. Perhaps he had gone for a walk in the gardens, or he was already asleep? Nie Mingjue hoped not; he had had an exhausting and stressful day and having a calm conversation with his little brother was something particularly relaxing.
" Still, I won't wake him up if he's sleeping, " he thought as he pushed the door softly. " A-Sang must have done a lot of work today as well... "
The lights in the bedroom were open and the room was empty. However, Nie Mingjue hardly noticed it. His attention was completely captured by a canvas hanging from the back wall, its vibrant colors clashing with the pallor of the walls.
The painting was large and showed Meng Yao, from behind and completely naked, his head turned slightly back and casting a flirtatious look. One of his hands languidly held a purple veil behind his butt, that ended wrapped around one of his legs. His back was covered in lavish and bright red designs of peonies. Without being a connoisseur of the language of art, Nie Mingjue could undoubtedly feel the intense erotic vibrance of the work as well as great despair. The brushstrokes were violent and passionate. There was nothing soft, neither in the colors, nor in the shapes.
Nie Mingjue, disconcerted, was observing the canvas more closely, when he suddenly heard the door open and Nie Huaisang appeared. His brother smiled and greeted him first, then noticed the painting hanging behind him, and Nie Mingjue worriedly saw him stumble, his hands shaking and his eyes wide in horror. He latched onto the doorframe and stared at him distressingly for a few seconds before leaping forward, rushing to unhook the canvas.
" It's... It's not what you think, Da-Ge," Nie Huaisang stammered, hurrying to hide the portrait of Meng Yao behind his back, his eyes so terrified and pleading that Nie Mingjue's heart sank. " It's just… It's nothing important. I will not steal Meng Yao from you. I never told him about it and I never will, I swear. "
Nie Mingjue tried to approach his brother, very upset to see him in such a state, but Nie Huaisang backed up with a panicked movement, as if he expected to be hit.
Nie Huaisang was frightened. His brother founding out about his secret passion was the worst thing that could have happened. He couldn't believe he had made a mistake like forgetting to take down one of his paintings before leaving his room... Now, Nie Mingjue had discovered the truth in the most shameful way possible. He knew that his brother tended to be very possessive of his things and that surely extended to his lovers.
Losing his brother's trust and affection would be the most horrible thing in the world, and Nie Huaisang didn't think he could stand Nie Mingjue being mad at him. He had always hated being yelled at, ever since he was a child, and Nie Mingjue had always protected him from that, comforting him after it happened. If it was his Da-Ge yelling at him, Nie Huaisang would probably panic pathetically, and it would make him even more angry to realize that he had such a weak brother.
Nie Huaisang swallowed and took a step back, frantically storing the painting in a wood chest and then bravely straightening up to receive his sentence. He felt slightly relieved to find that Nie Minjgue didn't look angry, only puzzled, staring at him with a raised eyebrow.
" Explain to me what's wrong, A-Sang, " he sighed as he approached him after a few moments of silence. " Why are you so terrified that I know you paint some... revealing portraits of Meng Yao? There is no law against this, as far as I know. "
Nie Huaisang, confused, lowered his head. " Well I… I am… I thought you wouldn't want me to covet what's yours… "
" Meng Yao is not mine, " Nie Mingjue retorted, gesturing for Nie Huaisang to sit down to continue the discussion. " He is free on his own mind and although he is an excellent general, I have no intention of requisitioning all of his time for myself. Did I give you the impression that I was against the idea of him and you being very close, A-Sang? "
Nie Huaisang suddenly felt ridiculous. Now that he thought about it, Nie Mingjue had never seemed to be angry or jealous at any of the interactions between him and Meng Yao… He realized with mortification that he had probably been completely wrong. He pitifully explained the situation to his brother, his hands clutching on his robes and rubbing the fabric nervously. Nie Mingjue's eyebrows rose a little higher with each word as he recounted in a few anxious sentences his ordeal of the past few months.
" ... And that's why I started painting so much. I was so convinced that there was something between you two, and if… if it had ruined our relationship, I would never have forgiven myself, '' he concluded with a choked voice, tears appearing in his eyes as he thought back to all those nights he had fallen asleep feeling so oppressed in pain, torn between his burning love for Meng Yao and his loyal devotion to his brother. " I've been so stupid and blind, Da-Ge. I apologize. "
Nie Mingjue shook his head and pulled him against him in a protective gesture, resting his head against his chest. Nie Huaisang couldn't suppress a sob and curled up, hiding his face in his brother's chest.
'' Oh, my poor A-Sang, '' Mingjue whispered. " I should have told you about this before. There is nothing else than friendly feelings between me and Meng Yao… I… There is someone else. Actually… Lan Xichen and I are in a… romantic relationship since a few months. "
Nie Huaisang's eyes widened as everything fell into place in his mind. Of course. How could he not have seen it before? All those supposed business trips to Cloud Recesses… Immense relief suddenly soothed him. This meant that his jealousy of Meng Yao's admiration for the Lan sect leader was also unfounded.
" I'm such an idiot, " he repeated, rubbing his forehead, discouraged. Nie Mingjue shook his head in disapproval, looking indignant.
'' Your guess wasn't that impossible. I did try to court Meng Yao before I fell in love with Xichen, " he admitted. " But he saw me as so inaccessible that he couldn't see any of all my attempts. I don't have the same finesse as you with this kind of things... And he always felt a little uncomfortable with me about his birth rank, even after I promoted him. I once asked him if he would like to help me style my hair, and he politely declined, saying that it would not be appropriate for a sect leader to have his hair touched by hands like his. With you, he always seemed to have a more friendly and intimate behavior, doesn't he? ''
Nie Mingjue's words sent an intense wave of hope to Nie Huaisang's heart, and the immense happiness he had felt during the first months he started to love Meng Yao returned triumphantly. He sat up with a bright smile, wiping his tears with the back of his sleeve.
" Do… Do you think I have a chance with him, Da-Ge? "
" I don't know, " Nie Mingjue answered honestly, standing up as well. " I know he has a great affection for you, but he never mentioned to me that he wanted more than your current relationship. However, don't let that stop you. "
" But... He wants to go to the Jin sect, doesn't he? I won't be able to keep him close to me anyway... "
" You might make him change his mind if he falls for you. Any well-run court can work in your favor, " Nie Mingjue reassured him gently. Nie Huaisang felt the nervousness come back and darken his euphoria slightly, but it was mingled with a feverish anticipation that made his heart beat so fast that he felt dizzy. Courting Meng Yao. Showing him the portraits he had made, one by one, unveil them and explain in detail what had inspired each of them, and see Meng Yao's eyes light up, his dimples hollow in a shy and amazed smile...
Nie Huaisang, blushing deeply, clenched his fingers on his fan. He looked up to see Nie Mingjue watching him in amusement.
" I'll let you think about all of this, " he said, making a movement to leave the room.
'' Wait, Da-Ge! '' Nie Huaisang suddenly exclaimed, grabbing his brother's wrist. He felt such deep gratitude, like the whole world has just been given to him. '' I… Thank you. "
Nie Mingjue's gaze softens slightly and he squeezed Nie Huaisang's arm affectionately.
'' You are welcome, A-Sang. Always. "