It was harder than I ever considered, having myself submitted to watch her stare after him like he will be back within hours, looking for her. Even if it has been years now since he disappeared.
It breaks my heart to know she pretends he still loves her, but no matter what I say, she refuses to believe me. She stares vacantly at me, green eyes wistfully remembering times when he was actually kind to her, times when they were happy together.
She is a honest, married woman and mother, now, and she still feels left behind as he ventures off into the criminal world underbelly, leaving poor Liliana Adornato, now Madama Falzone, to pretend he is soon coming back.
Sometimes, I can pretend she loves me more than she actually does, sometimes when she stares at me, I can pretend it is not him she is hoping to see. I have been on the outside looking in while she sits and waits for him.
We have a son, a young, beautiful little boy and he looks so much like both of us and I think this is what kills her. He has her eyes and my face, and sometimes I think she wishes that his eyes were that feline yellow and cold, that his skin was jaundice and his hair was blacker than a night without moonshine.
Alas, he looks like me, with pale skin and platinum hair. He does not him and there is nothing either of us can do about it.
She pretends not to still love him, but I know she does.
She is sitting by the bedroom window, staring out into the night as if waiting for a glimpse of his dark, shadowed face. Daniele is in her arms and she rocks him gently, occasionally glancing down to smile at his lovely, innocent little face.
They are an actual family, mother and son love each other more than life itself, and I stand on the outskirts, watching as I will always do. She is mine, but always just beyond my reach.
She loves me, but not as she loves him. Never will our love be as strong as theirs was, even if enduring in the way theirs was fleeting, even if fair in the way theirs was greedy, even if fruitful in the way theirs was destructive.
"Oh, Lili." I breathe, entering the room.
She glances back and smiles slightly.
"Dante." She murmurs in acknowledgement, then kisses Daniele's forehead, to prove she was still at our home, that even if her mind wanders, she would not commit the crime of actually leaving.
She would. I know she would, and I just might let her.
"Why do you do this to yourself?" I elected to ask, instead. "To us?"
Her lips turn up slightly in a melancholic smile.
"I love you, Dante, I love you so very much, but . . ." She trails off and shrugs. She has tried to explain it to me endless times before and I know I will never fully understand. "I'll always love him. That will never change. In some crevice of my heart, I hope that I must merely persevere, and maybe one day..."
I shake my head. "Waiting for the nightingale to sing. Waiting for the harbour lights to dim."
She glances at me and my heart breaks. She is beautiful, completely stunning and I love her more than anyone in my entire life. Lili and Daniele mean the world to me and I will never be able to fully have them, her love for another will always separate us.
"I've been on outside looking in while the woman in the window waits for him." I smile gently, trying to soften my words. "But he won't be back, can't you realize that? He is likely laughing at your sorrow, ravishing on the fruits of his cruel deeds."
Lili turns away from me, looking back out the window as if she can reach him through the night.
"Waiting for a ship that won't come in. Waiting for a tear to reach your chin." I echo, with no hope of changing her mind.
Her fine mouth quivers angrily, but she says nothing, preferring to bury her rage deep into her soul, like the good Christian she is. She will wait for him, no matter what I say.
My son reaches a tiny hand toward me and it brings a smile to my face. If only she did not wish he was her child with another man, everything would be absolutely dandy. We would be happy together, forever.
" How can I explain that your love is all vain? Face it, Lili, it has been years. If he meant to return, he would have done so already. Even Lin and Fei have given up hope." I say softly, waiting to gauge a reaction. "While he wastes your precious hours, I could fill your days with flowers."
No words come from her mouth once more. Her evergreen eyes flash with emotions that I cannot place.
I sighed, and then kneeled in front of her. For all the pain she caused me, for all her stubbornness, she is a saintlike figure. In fact, I cannot help but to admire her tenacity, I just wish it was directed at me.
"How can I replace the smile upon the face of a lover that I can never be?" I ask, in a thread of a voice. "How can I begin to make you love again?"
"You can't, Dante." Lili whispered back, looking down at her hands holding her son tightly. "You can't. He won't stay away forever."
"No, he won't be back. Can't you realize that?" I refuted once more.
Her eyes shimmer with unshed tears. "He loves me."
"He's a murderer, Lili. A sociopath. He made his choice that night when he left you here, when he jumped off this very balcony. He said goodbye, said it was over and you still do not believe him."
"He loves me." My wife repeated stubbornly.
"He won't be back." I say, then walk over to the window and take Daniele from her arms. He grins up at me and I cradle him gently, then walk back toward the hall.
"It's late. I'll put him to bed." I murmur. "You stay in the window and wait for Yang, like you always do. See if he ever comes back."
As I walk away, I hear Lili begin to sob and for a moment I feel guilty. It hurts her, but it is the truth. The woman in the window will remain alone forever because he will not be back.