I, Sakura Bum, am not just the best author ever. I am also the best singer ever. And so, I visited Viridian City to participate in the audition round of X-Factor. Of course, Serena, my husband with eight dicks, is participating as well!

First, Serena entered the judges' room and saw Brock, Lisia and Simon Cowell waiting for the contestants to sing.

'What are you going to sing for us today?' Lisia asked.

'Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin,' Serena said. 'Dedicated to you, hottie. Wanna join Sakura and me after the show?'

'Ew, no!' Lisia said.

'You'll change your mind after you heard me singing...' Serena teased.

Way down inside
I'm gonna give ya my love
I'm gonna give ya every inch of my eight hard loves
I'm gonna give ya my love
WHOLE LOTTA LOVE!

However, the judges did not seem to like the altered lyrics about my husband's eight cocks.

'What the bloody hell was that?' Simon Cowell asked. 'I don't mean to be rude, but your singing was atrocious. And why the fuck did you change the lyrics?'

'Because I've got eight dicks,' Serena said.

'It's a no from me,' Simon decided.

Because Lisia and Brock agreed with that, Serena started to cry. 'WAAAHHHH! BUT I AM A GOOD SINGER AND I HAVE EIGHT BEAUTIFUL PENISES... WHY DON'T YOU LIKE MY SINGING?'

'Because you can't fucking sing!' Simon snapped.

When Serena was about to run at Simon to punch him, a security guard pulled Serena away from the judges' room. Then, a security guard let his Ivysaur use Sweet Scent to calm my husband down.

Then, it was Vicky Pollard's turn. My friend who got famous because of Little Britain entered the room.

'Hello Vicky. What song are you going to sing?' Simon Cowell asked.

'Yeah but, no but, what it was like, I was gonna do my own song, but I left the lyrics at home because I forgot about it, because there was this one time when Team Rocket started going around saying that I'm a chav because I'm totally not that. I am so gonna get revenge on them by winning this competition.'

'Vicky, shut the hell up. What song are you going to sing?' Simon asked.

'Closer, by Nine Inch Nails, or something or nothing, cause I heard Lisia is such a lez, since she fucked Lady Gaga, and then she had a threesome with Lady Gaga and you, Simon...'

'Yes, that threesome happened and was hot,' Simon said. 'But please just shut up and sing the fucking song.'

I'm gonna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside

The woman in the pink cardigan fucked up the song, causing the judges to reject her. A security guard had to get her out of the building, because she refused to leave and tried to beat up Brock.

Then, it was John Phoenix' turn. And so, Vicky Pollard's husband with just one cock entered the room and started to sing I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness, much to the judges' happiness.

'You are the first decent candidate today. I guess you'll have to do. It's a yes from me, but only because the rest sucks even harder than you do,' Simon Cowell said.

'John... Can I ask you something?' Brock asked.

'Sure.'

'You sung that song really high-pitched, as if you were emasculated... Do you happen to have a micropenis, like some people say?' Brock wanted to know.

'Yeah but, no but... I have a decent cock, but you just can't see a bulge, because...' he tried. However, Lisia started giggling.

'What's so funny, Lisia?' Brock asked.

'At the nude beach, I saw him walking around with Vicky Pollard, and he has the smallest penis on the planet,' Lisia giggled. 'Which is fine, but he shouldn't lie about it when people ask. Personally, I prefer big cocks, like Simon Cowell's gargantuan Metapod.'

'You're a decent singer, so you're going to the next round!' Lisia said, while seeing how John Phoenix kept starting at Lisia's Diglett, which were poking through her top, because the Contest Idol was not wearing a bra.

'But don't give me those flirty stares! I'm not joining you and Vicky in bed!' Lisia snapped. 'Both you and her have been begging me for a threesome for months, and the answer is no!'

Then, it was my turn. Finally. Was I going to do well? Of course I was. I am the best singer ever. Everybody likes my powerful, emotional, sensual and raw vocals.

'Hello Sakura, what are you going to sing?' Simon asked.

'Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. After all, I'm better than Freddie Mercury.'

'If that's true, show us,' said Lisia, who was the president of the Kanto Queen Fan Club.

Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

I was amazing. I rocked. I delivered that song with my powerful voice, and the judges loved it.

At least, that is what I thought, until Simon Cowell told me to stop singing. 'What the bloody hell was that?'

'I am the best. In fact, I am the champion, my friend. And I will be signing 'till the end. I am the champion. I am the champion. No time for judges, 'cause I am the champion. Of the world.'

'No, you are not the champion,' Simon said. 'I don't mean to be rude, but you are the worst contestant I've ever heard. You are even worse than your weird husband with eight dicks.'

'You're just jealous!'

'Of what? What should I be jealous of?' Simon asked.

'Of my husband's eight dicks! You only have one dick!' I snapped.

'He doesn't need eight dicks,' Lisia said. 'He has one really big one that is bigger than Serena's cocks, and he always gets me fucking soaked.'

'Why can't I fuck her again?' Brock asked.

'Because you are a sexist dick, Brock,' Lisia said, while Simon was rubbing Lisia's Diglett.

'Okay, let's vote on this performance. It's a no from me,' Simon said.

Lisia agreed with her boyfriend. 'My favourite song has been covered by plenty of artists. Most of those covers are awful. But this is the worst Bohemian Rhapsody cover ever! You sang it even worse than Kanye West!'

'I like to let the ladies go through, but your singing was just atrocious,' Brock said. 'And besides, your tits are fake and are still small, so you're not even that hot!'

'It's a no from all of us. Fuck off and never participate in X-Factor again,' Simon said.

I burst out in tears. 'I'm gonna tell Granny Harry Styles about this, and she's gonna be furious at you three awful judges! You three are so mean!'

'So? Why would we care what fucking Harry Styles thinks?' Lisia said.

'BECAUSE SHE'S MY GRANNY!' Sakura snapped.

'So?' Brock asked. 'I only care about sexy ladies. So I don't care about you or about Harry Styles!'

'Sakura, leave. Just leave. You're only embarrassing yourself even more,' Simon ordered.

However, I refused to leave. 'Just let me sing one more song to change your minds!'

'No. It just wasn't good,' Lisia said.

However, I still started singing.

Well
Lisia is a bitch
She's a big fat bitch
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a stupid bitch
She doesn't like my singing
So she's a bitch to sexy Sakura
On Monday she's a bitch
On Tuesday she's a bitch

I wanted to hurt Lisia. However, she burst out in laughter. 'Sexy Sakura? Hell no! And I'm not fat, I'm chubby!'

'I'm the biggest pervert in Kanto, and even I don't think you are hot!' Brock trolled.

'Sakura, you're only making things worse. You're going to be on television. The more you keep trying, the more you embarrass yourself. Just fuck off,' Simon explained.

Then, I just wanted to kick Simon in the nuts. However, Lisia sent out her Altaria, who used Hyper Beam and made me blast off, knocking me out of the room. 'Al Al!' the Pokemon screamed, just before shooting his powerful attack at me.

Then, Lisia hugged her Pokemon. 'Thank you. I hate Sakura Bum. She's not FUN!'

The next contestant entered the room. 'Hi, I'm Toya Latte from Jamaica and I'm gonna sing Buffalo Soldier by Randy Marsh. Wait, I mean Bob Marley...'

'You're hot. You can count on me to vote for you going to the next round!' Brock said. 'Even if your singing sucks. Hot ladies always get my vote!'

'I'm a lesbian, Brock! I'm even gayer than Daffyd Thomas, so hitting on me is pointless. I wanna fuck Lisia, not you!'

'I don't wanna fuck you!' Lisia said.

'But Lisia... Hey girl, where are all them Diglettz at?' Toya said, causing Lisia to facepalm.

Buffalo Soldier

In the heart of America

Stolen from Africa, brought to America

'That was one of the worst performances I've ever heard,' Simon Cowell said. 'It's a no from me.'

'It's a yes from me, since you're hot,' Brock said.

'Lisia, please... Vote yes and fuck me... You have such nice Diglett...'

'It's a no from me,' Lisia said, imitating her boyfriend.

Luckily for the judges, Toya walked out without crying or snapping.

Then, Eric Cartman entered the room. 'Hi, I'm Eric Cartman from South Park and I'm gonna entertain all of you with Poker Face by Lady Gaga.'

'Okay Eric, show us what you've got,' Lisia said. 'Lady Gaga is hot. Simon and I had a nice threesome with her!'

Oh, whoa, oh, oh
Oh, oh oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Can't read my, can't read my
No, he can't read my poker face
She's got me like nobody
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
Mum-mum-mum-mah

'That was one of the best auditions I've ever seen. You have a beautiful voice,' Lisia said.

'Thanks, Lisia! Even Michael Jackson said I have a beautiful voice.'

'You might be good, but you're not a hot lady, so I won't vote yes,' Brock said.

'I thought this was good. It's a yes from me,' Simon decided. And so, Cartman advanced to the next round!

The last contestant of the day entered the room. 'Hallo, ich bin Brüno. Ich bin ein superstar.'

'Show us what you've got,' Lisia said.

I've written a song
That I hope is going to bring the world together
Put down your guns and bombs
And just make love forever
Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace
Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace

'That was fucking amazing,' Lisia said. 'I know you're gay, but I actually think you're quite hot.'

'Thanks,' Brüno said. 'You know the gays in Kanto, Johto and Hoenn love you, right?'

'Thank you!' Lisia said, while blushing.

'It's vile,' Brock said. 'If you were a hot woman, I'd let you go through, but I don't like men!'

'But it's a yes from me,' Lisia said.

'And from me,' Simon decided. 'Congratulations, Brüno. You are Brüno, dove of peace!'

At least my fairy godmother made it through. And so, I congratulated him and hummed Brüno Dove Of Peace for him. However, I was jealous. Why didn't the judges appreciate my amazing singing? I am the best singer ever!

After the auditions, the judges were talking in the judging room.

'Brock, why do you say no when guys like Cartman and Brüno do really well?' Simon asked.

'I only let hot ladies go through. That's my policy!' Brock stated.

'You're a creep, Brock! You're a weirdo! What the hell are you doing here? You don't belong here!' Lisia teased.

Altaria hummed along with Lisia. 'Al Al Altaria!'