There are just some things no one can prepare you for. There are things Alma knows she will never recover from. She had already buried one child. She doesn't know if her own heart could even manage to bury her second child.
Her precious baby girl was no longer here. Despite all the doctor visits, the medication, and vigilant watch over her baby girl's heart, it wasn't enough. Her baby girl was only five years old. She had a future. She had a life in front of her.
Alma didn't even know how she was going to be able to grieve. She didn't know what the grieving process meant for her along with her family. She had to comfort her son. She didn't know how to do that, but she tried by letting him cry in her arms. Holding him tight in her arms as she put him to bed holding one of Kaylee's favorite stuffed animals.
She knew it was going to be a slow process in healing, but when she thought of her husband, she wasn't sure if there was anything she could do.
Words have barely been exchanged between the two. She was surprised they were able to even pull it together to even have a funeral.
Jax has spent the past couple weeks locked inside of Kaylee's room with weed and alcohol as therapy. He just drinks and smokes. He keeps himself in that room and doesn't leave. He only removes himself off the floor to piss and maybe head into the kitchen for something to stomach. Although his meager meals do nothing to absorb the alcohol he is poisoning himself with.
Alma isn't sure what would be the best method to approach. She isn't sure if she even wants to. She knows she is not strong enough to shoulder his grief along with hers. She already went through Ben's death alone, she had come to terms she would have to navigate the stages of grief for Kaylee alone.
She has made a schedule for herself. She gets up, showers, and tends to every single one of Nathan's needs. It's the best she can do. Worse, her baby boy had turned 7 and he had denied wanting even a cake for his birthday. She stopped looking at her phone. She unplugged the landline and stopped answering the door. She can't deal with the pity or other's nosiness.
Alma lingers at Kaylee's bedroom. She only meant to take a peek at the cold room. Everything has been left untouched since her passing. She finds her husband sitting up against the dresser as he looks ahead of him in a daze. He slowly brings a blunt to his lips. He inhales and exhales. She wants to scream at him that he is only tainting their daughter's room. They will no longer be able to smell the chamomile with a tinge of lavender that settles in the room due to Kaylee's favorite body wash products.
She bites her tongue. She doesn't want to start an argument. She doesn't want to say things in anger that neither will be able to take back. The only reason she moves from the door is because the alarm signals that someone has opened the front door.
Alma moves down the hallway and finds her mom stepping through the door with grocery bags.
Ann has been staying in Charming since Kaylee's passing. She is not exactly sure where her mother is staying, but she is grateful that her mom isn't inserting herself in the house. However, Alma has a feeling her mom is at her wits end from the radio silence. After all, despite how much Alma wants to curl in bed and shut out the world, she has Nathan to think about. He still needs at least one of his parents.
Her mom looks up at her with a grim smile. "I brought you guys some food."
Alma nods as she meets her the rest of the way. Alma notices her mom has forgone the expensive jewelry and makeup. Her face is bare and she is in a simple suede pink sweatsuit. A pair of white Adidas adore her feet.
Alma is silent as she puts away the phone. She knows her mom is surprised that the house isn't a mess. Or the downstairs isn't at least. In grief, every member of the house has been confined into a bedroom. Alma spends most of her time with Nathan in his room while Jax is in Kaylee's.
"Maybe you guys should come North with me. Get out of Charming for a bit." Ann hesitantly suggests.
"It's not going to change anything." Alma replies. Kaylee would still be gone when they returned. Her baby girl would still be dead.
"Tell me how I can help you, baby," her mother pleads.
"I don't think you can. Not with this." Alma tells her. She doesn't even know how to pick up the pieces for some type of living.
"You need to talk to someone. Losing Ben and now Kaylee…" her mother trails off before approaching her like a wounded animal. Her mom's hands cup her cheeks forcing her to look at her. "You can't be Wonder Woman all the time. You need a break. You can't forget yourself in all this." Her mom steps back and gives her some space. "I'll stay for a bit. Cook, clean up whatever. Just take a nap. Soak in the tub."
Alma inhales deeply and blows the hot air out. "Okay. Thanks, mom."
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Ann waited until she heard the tub began draining and about 30 minutes after the master bedroom door shut before she went to complete her mission.
She had begun cleaning up the little dust that accumulated in the past week downstairs. She checked on Nathan, who had just woken up from a nap, fed him a sandwich with some chips, before he told her that he just wanted to draw in his room. Ann pressed a kiss to her grandson's head and let him be.
It was clear her grandson was trying to be strong. She admired her grandson, her only grandchild still living. That hurts. Knowing that she has outlived two children who didn't even make it past the age of 5.
She can't imagine the pain her daughter is feeling. She doesn't even know how to help her daughter cope with this loss. She can barely linger on that grief before it makes her breakdown. Right now, she can't do that. She needs to shoulder some of this pain for her daughter as her worthless son in law isn't doing shit.
She had walked past Kaylee's room and was hit with the smell of weed. She risked a glance inside and any grief was quickly replaced with anger.
She could understand his anger with Ben. He was not here to help or to be there to grieve with his family. Ann knows that grief can make people selfish, but she expected better of the man her daughter married. Yet, she doesn't know how she could forget how selfish these men were. She experienced the club's selfishness first hand.
So she had waited. She wanted her daughter to be asleep before she took matters in her own hands. It wasn't as if she went out of her way to purposely antagonize Jax. It was just she wasn't going to blindly stand on the sidelines and watch him treat her daughter with disrespect. She didn't want Alma to go through what she went through with Chico. It is a shame that Ann could overlook the ways that the men made money. After all, it had her and Alma living comfortably. Yet, the women and the control issues Chico had...Ann couldn't suffer through the emotional and mental abuse anymore.
For a time, she thought she could overlook the other women. She did, but Chico could never be quiet about it. He constantly threw it in her face he would be with croweaters in Charming, not just on runs. The worst betrayal was only finding out that Chico only tolerated her because of Alma. She was simply a good lay at the time. A consistent lay that got pregnant. In this world, she was shown how disposable women are to these men. She just couldn't understand how everyone was pissed at her for wanting to divorce Chico when he had been embarrassing her for years.
Maybe it is wrong of her to project those feelings onto Jax. However, it had been an open secret he was fucking around on her daughter when he got released. He did it right in front of her. Ann knows that the reason her daughter was staying was for the kids and the unfortunate circumstance of Jax being the one to provide financial security. She was only able not to get some more independence due to Luann, but unfortunately that was ripped away before it could fully develop.
Ann steps into the room where her son in law is shirtless and glad in some basketball shorts. The room smells like a distrilley and a hide out for skunks.
"Un-fucking-believable." Ann mutters as she steps forward. She stands in his line of step and he doesn't even blink, but stares blankly. "Get up."
He doesn't move or even flinch.
She bends down to look him directly in the eye. "Get the fuck up. You smell like shit and you're tainting your daughter's room with this shit."
"Fuck you." He whispers hoarsely.
"Get up," she sneers in disgust and his reflexes are too slow as she grabs the bottle of Jack and the ashtray on the floor with the burning joint. She moves quickly and Jax falls to his side as she runs out the room.
She makes it to the closest bathroom where she immediately slams the door with Jax hot on her tail.
She instantly pours the bottle down the drain. She jumps when Jax pounds on the door.
"Opening this fucking door!" He screams.
"Calm the fuck down and take a shower. You smell like shit." Ann replies back. The pounding continues and she winces as she hears a crack. "Jax, you're going to break the fucking door!"
"Well fucking open it!" He shouts.
Ann flushes the blunt down the toilet along with the ashes. She places the ceramic tray next to the empty bottle of whiskey. She swings the door open to meet the glare of her son in law.
"What the fuck are you even doing here?" He seethes as he enters the bathroom.
"Taking care of your family since you are incapable of doing shit that doesn't revolve around you." Ann bites.
Jax's body goes tense. He stands down in front of her, his lips set in snarl. "This is not the time for your bullshit."
"No, it's not time for your bullshit!" She snaps back. "You have a fucking wife and son that need you. Stop being so goddamn selfish! Your father would fucking disgusted with the sight of you right now."
This time Ann knows she snapped something in Jax as she even realizes a startled yelp when he smashes the glass bottle against the wall.
"Jax?"
Both she and Jax are still at the sound of Alma's voice at the end of the hall. Ann hurries out of the bathroom.
"You need to fucking get out of here," she tells her daughter.
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Jax sits down against the tombstone next to the disturbed dirt next to it. It's too early for Kaylee's tombstone yet. Benjamin's is an upright monument with columns with red granite. They decided to get Kaylee a matching one with an angel.
And only a few rows away lies Jax's own brother, Thomas, and his father.
This is only the second time Jax has been to the cemetery. He hadn't never ventured to see Ben's grave until Kaylee's funeral. It didn't seem real. He felt he could ignore that loss. He could push it aside. He never allowed himself to feel it until it was too late - too much.
He has lost his little girl. His baby girl. The light in his life. She's gone. He has lost two children due to his fucking family flaw.
He bows his head as he finally lets the past months catch up to him. His body shudders as everything hits him. He doesn't even care that he is in public at this point. He just wants the pain to go away. He just wants his world to go back to the way it was.
He wants his children alive. He wants to be able to go home to his wife and not feel like a failure. He isn't even sure how to help his family anymore. He knows they don't need him. Alma hasn't even spoken to him after his episode with her mother and even then he isn't even too sure what the last conversation they had was between each other. All he knows is she steers clear of him.
Nathan hasn't come to him for comfort at all. His boy is usually wrapped up in his mother's arms and he can hear him crying for Kaylee in her arms. He feels useless in his own house. He could go to the clubhouse, but he doesn't want to be coddled by his mother or even by his brothers. He just wants the pain to stop. He wants everything to stop hurting, but he knows that it won't happen for a while. In fact, he knows this pain will never go away. He will have to learn how to carry it. He needs to learn how to manage it. He doesn't know how his mom and dad manage to deal when Tommy died. He doesn't know how they found a place to accept it. He doesn't think he can ever accept this loss without it paralyzing him.
He stands up from the grave and places a kiss on top of Ben's grave. He kneels down on the fistrubed dirt and places his hand where his little rests before moving to visit his brother and father.
He tries not to think about how half of his family is buried in the fucking cemetry.
He is making his way to his bike when he spots Piney standing by it waiting for him.
"So, how's the old man?" Piney greets.
Jax manages a small smile. "Still dead."
"You know, I hear that happens." He replies.
Jax nods his head and kicks his foot at some loose gravel. "What are you doing, cruising for widows?"
"No. Stopped by your house. Alma didn't know where you were. Figure this would be the next stop." Piney reveals. "You, uh, you want to bounce something off of me? I mean, I'm not as smart as J.T., but I've been known to have my moments."
Jax stands a little taller. "I'm good."
Piney frowns at him. "Jax... we don't, uh, we don't have shrinks or priests. You don't want to talk to me, that's fine. But you gonna talk to somebody in this club and work this shit out?"
Jax releases a shaky breath. "I lost two of my kids Piney. I don't think I can even find a direction to go in. I just end up in a place I never even knew could be this bad." Jax doesn't know how to even be a man with his grief. He can't look at Alma without feeling as if he failed her and their children. Jax wipes away the tears that have begun to leak out of his eyes. "I don't think we can come back from this, Piney."
Maybe Jax thinks is what is eating him up the most. He knows his marriage is slowly reaching it's expiration date. They barely survived losing one child. Hell, they were barely communicating and only just addressed that their relationship wasn't the same and then they lost Kaylee. Most marriages barely manage surviving the loss of one child, but they lost two.
Jax knows the demise of his marriage is solely on him. He was the first one to break away. He weakened the foundation. He also knows he has answer for his episode with Ann in the bathroom, but she never knew when to stop fucking pushing. It wasn't an excuse, but she could never let things be.
Piney grips his shoulders. "Hey, Alma loves you, Jax. You just need to talk to her. She'll understand. You both can work through this."
Jax shakes his head. He doesn't think love alone is enough to fix the space that has come between him and his wife. "I don't think talking can fix it this time, Piney."
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He feels like a stranger in his own home. He was unsure if he was even welcomed in the bedroom. It's not like Jax is expecting any form of sexual intimacy, but at least physical. Alma has closed herself off from him. He knew it would be a bad move to even try to wrap her in his arms. So he stayed rooted on his side of the bed and laid on his back.
He thinks he may have even slept with his eyes open. He doesn't feel well rested. He blinks what little sleep he got from his eyes as he realizes the sound of Alma cleaning is what woke him. She seemed to have already taken a shower as her hair was leaving wet spots on her white t-shirt. She is throwing his clothes he had recklessly discarded into a basket while tidying up things around the room.
"Al…" he says unsure.
She looks up at him and holds the hamper against her hip. She doesn't say anything, but looks at him expectedly.
He sits up in the bed and licks his lips. "We need to talk."
"About what?"
"Alma, please…"
"So what, when you want to talk I have to listen?" She fires back.
"That's not...I didn't mean...we lost our daughter, Alma, how in the fuck is any parent supposed to react."
"Maybe not by drowning in weed or booze, or about tending to your son and wife. How about we grieve together!" Alma snaps.
"How when we can barely be in the same room together, Alma. You act like you want nothing to do with me. I can't turn to you. You don't want me."
"You pushed me away first." Alma states. "With Ben...you weren't here...I didn't hold it against you. I couldn't and even with how you...grieved...I pushed aside the hurt and humiliation you put me through. But I'm not going to be your fucking doormat."
Jax is at a loss for words. He doesn't know what to even say in fear of pushing Alma away. He knows sorry isn't enough at this point. He isn't stupid enough to not know where this anger is coming from. He moves to sit on the edge of the bed.
"Alma please…"
Alma looks away from him. He can tell there are things she wants to say. He wants her to say it even if it makes him scared, or things he doesn't want to hear.
Her shoulders drop and she looks at him with a blank expression. "We need to focus on Nathan, Jax."
He wants to ask what the fuck does that even mean. He wants to say a lot of things, but he bites his tongue.
"I love you, Alma."
Her blank expression cracks a little. She clears her throat. "I know."
She walks out of the bedroom.
Jax grabs the lamp on the stand next to the bed and throws it across the room.
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Alma is standing near the door of the office of the garage as she watched Nathan and Jax exchange goodbyes. The boys are going on a run to Eureka for a blood drive. Alma also thinks it is a semi celebratory run that with Zobelle leaving without a trace the case against them was dropped even with the weapon charges. It seemed with Zobelle being a known rat could have something to help with that.
Alma does notice the goodbye between her boys is stunted and stiff. More so from Nathan and it reminds her that her son is very aware of the shift happening inside the house. It is the last thing she wants. Despite whatever is going on between her and Jax, she does not want that to leak down into his relationship with his son.
Still it doesn't change that Nathan witnessed how Jax did grieve alone while Nathan found comfort in her arms. And Nathan shouldn't have that choice of having to settle for the other parents because the other one was too deep in their own grief.
Alma feels a presence behind her and she knows its Gemma. Surprisingly, the biker matriarch's helicopter parenting had taken a step back. She thinks it is because Gemma knows what it is like to lose a child that it is best not to impose, but even then Gemma never lost two children in the span of a year.
She does appreciate the space.
Gemma wraps her arms around her shoulder. She thinks maybe Gemma is thinking the same thing as her that Jax shouldn't be on this run. Alma has a feeling about what is going to happen on this run. She knows since she rejected Jax in trying to communicate that she was the one to push him away this time. He will probably justify any action he makes.
Her breath catches in her throat and she feels as if she is being suffocated. She escapes Gemma's hold and rushes into the bathroom in the garage. She slams the door shut and leans against it. She feels as if she is having a panic attack.
She knows her marriage is over.
Her marriage is over.
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Jax sighs at the burn of the whiskey traveling down his throat. He really didn't care for the run to Eureka. It was simple, but nothing he was itching to do. However, being on the road reminded him how much he loved riding. He still had a refuge. He thinks maybe when they get back that a nice long ride will do him some good to clear his head. He doesn't know why he didn't think of taking a ride by himself before. Maybe a roundabout would do him some good. He and Alma could get some space and clarity and figure out how to move forward with their relationship.
Jax leans back in his chair. He lights a cigarette and blows a ring of smoke. He smiles at a few croweaters before his attention is taken by his stepfather. Clay looks at him with furrowed brows, his eyes hidden behind his dark sunglasses.
Jax raises an eyebrow at his President. "Can I help you?"
"I want to know what the fuck you're doing," Clay says lowly.
"Trying to enjoy the party," Jax replies as he takes another sip from his whiskey.
"You know what I mean," Clay answers.
Jax thinks his mom has put Clay up to this. Clay never intervenes on what he deems to be family business. Only when it interferes with club business will Clay open his mouth. Even then, outside of the two weeks following Kaylee's funeral, Jax has been at every church meeting and any task Clay hesitantly gives him. Sure, he sometimes has a glossy look in his eyes and his hair and beard aren't trimmed as he usually keeps it, but he isn't zoning out. He isn't compromising anything within the club. "If you have something to say, just say it."
"Your mom is worried about her family." Clay reveals, which isn't surprising to Jax. "She doesn't know everything about what you did when Ben passed. But we all knew…." Clay trails off. "Probably 40, 50 patches watching us right now. We represent the past, present and future of this club. Sure, the sons are a Democratic organization, but everybody knows what happens in charming sets the tone for every charter."
Jax furrows his brows. He is confused. "And what's happening in Charming?"
"You tell me. These men behind us, they love you. They respect you and they understand your grief. But they're also wondering what you're gonna do with it."
Jax clenches his jaw. "That's my business."
"No, it isn't. Some of these guys are old enough to remember what happened to your old man. How he... fell apart, lost focus when Thomas died."
"Yeah, well, I'm not my old man."
"I know that, but they don't. You gotta show 'em something."
"Show them fucking what?" Jax snaps. "I lost my son and daughter that has fuck all to do with the club."
"How you treat your family is," Clay fires back. "Don't forget Alma is a daughter of a First 9. Some won't take kindly how you're treating her."
"You got to be fucking kidding me." Now people want to care about Alma's lineage. Now they want to care about how members cash in on the run protocol. No one has no problem with Clay indulging knowing he is with his mother. "My marriage isn't club business."
"If people see you can't manage your family life they are gonna start doubting how you can effectively lead this club."
"So what, I'm supposed to wipe the tears away and be done grieving for my kids. It doesn't work like that."
Clay looks at him silently. "You need to make a decision son. You fix things with Alma. Get your head on fucking straight, or you let that hammer drop and be done with it."
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Jax laughs as Nathan does another cannonball in the pool. It is just the two of them at the house. Alma had only told him that she was going to be out for the day. He wasn't really left with a choice in the matter of watching Nathan. He decided that he would skip out going to the club and spend the day with his son.
So they had immediately changed into their swimming trunks and Jax lathered on the sunscreen on his boy. He thinks this is the first time they have hung out just one on one since Kaylee's passing. Nathan has preferred the company of Alma to him.
It hurts, but Jax knows that it is because of his doing and his own grief that his son couldn't come to him. If anything, Jax knows how to deal with the loss of a sibling. He could try and help his son with that because they will never truly be over the loss of Kaylee. They just have to make room for the hurt.
Jax jumps from his place at the edge of the pool and wades over to his son where he is heading into the deep end. Jax knows Nathan is only waddling towards that end since Alma isn't here especially without some type of floaty.
It wasn't as if Nathan was a bad swimmer. He swan pretty good, but when Alma is in mama bear mode they all know not to go against her.
He follows his son as he treads the water. He admires the changes in his son. Outside of the blue eyes, Nathan is all Alma. All he can see is Alma in the shape of his face, nose, smile, and the color of their hair. Alma will tell him that Nathan has his personality, but Nathan is Alma with their quiet demeanor and how they think and contemplate their words and actions before speaking.
"Be careful," Jax warns.
"I know how to swim," Nathan remarks.
"Well you can explain that one to your mother if she sees you without a floatie."
Nathan stills and swims over to Jax. His arms wrap around his neck. It reminds Jax of when Nathan was little and still in a diaper. Nathan loved water and would always smack his reflection and release a tirade of giggles.
Jax holds his son close. He presses a kiss to his son's head. "Everything alright?"
"Are you and Mommy happy?"
Jax wasn't prepared for that question. "What makes you ask that?"
"No one laughs anymore."
Jax's heart tightens.
Nathan continues before Jax can respond. "I know with...Kaylee...but even before that you and Mommy didn't seem happy. Mommy always seemed sad."
Jax swallows the lump in his throat. "Well when Mommy is sad...we just have to tell her we love her and give her lots of hugs and kisses, yeah."
"Are you sad, Daddy?"
"Right now, no. You make me happy. You and your mom."
Nathan furrows his brows and pouts his lips. "I want you and Mommy to be happy."
Jax hikes Nathan up a little higher so he can look his son in his eyes. "No matter what, your mom and I love you very much."
"I love you too, Daddy." Nathan replies.
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Alma had been surprised when Donna reached out to have a girls day together. There has been space building between the two. This time it is coming from Alma after the loss of Kaylee. She has been isolating herself from everyone while she tries to figure out the next move in her life.
They aren't doing much either. Donna's parents have taken the kids for the day and they are at Donna's house. Donna had suggested they go to an actual spa, but Alma didn't want to deal with the looks of pity in public. They have wine and multiple colors of nail polish on the table. Alma isn't sure what is playing on TV, but her and Donna have been giggling since the third glass of wine. Alma might be staying the night if she doesn't sober up a bit.
Alma had painted her nails a very vibrant hot pink with an equally bright yellow on her toes. She is currently waiting for her toes to dry.
"So are you still doing nails at Cara Cara?" Donna asks.
Alma takes a sip of her wine. "Yea and no. I don't go to the studio, but there are some girls that still come to me. Not all of them, but most."
"You should open your own place up." Donna suggests.
Alma smiles. "I'll hire you to be the receptionist."
"You would probably pay better." Donna comments.
"Just lately, I haven't thought about it. Just been focusing on Nathan."
"You also need to focus on yourself." Donna points out. "If you don't you are going to break."
"How are things for you?" Alma asks. Opie still has years left in prison and outwardly Donna has her head held high, but she knows that is not the case. Plus, even far away, Alma knows that Opie is still a present husband. Donna may be alone, but she is not going through all of this alone.
"I have my days, ya know. I'm sure I haven't been through the worst yet."
"But you have Opie though."
Donna gives her a sad smile. "You and Jax…"
Alma gives a bitter laugh. "Watering a dead flower."
"Al…"
Alma finishes her glass of wine. She really doesn't want to cry over her husband anymore. She knows her marriage is at the end. They both are prolonging the inevitable and are making each other miserable. Although the thing is, if she and Jax separate where would she go. How would she support herself and Nathan. She can't just leave. She can't just take Nathan away from his father.
"If you need help. I'm here for you and Nathan."
"I just love him so much. I guess my mother was right about why it wouldn't last." Alma tells Donna.
"Do you think you guys can't work it out?" Donna probes.
Alma leans forward and refills her wine glass. "I think the damage has been done. I don't think it would be fair to him if I stayed."
"If you need help, I'm here." Donna promises.
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Considering the exciting day in the pool, Nathan had quickly fallen asleep after his dinner and shower. It left Jax to his own devices as Alma still wasn't home. He had washed the dishes and tidied up a bit. In cleaning, he found an empty journal and for some reason began writing as he sat in the living room to wait for Alma. He had been baring his soul into this journal about everything that has happened within the past year. He was writing to Nathan, Kaylee, and Ben about his greatest achievements and failures.
Although in the back of his mind and on his paper, he couldn't divulge into his doubts about his marriage has turned out. Alma's silence all day only highlighted it more. He didn't want to bug her as it was rare she enjoyed a day to herself. He just knows if she isn't home in 30 minutes he will call her cell.
He has just placed his pen down and is flexing his hand when the front door opens. He is standing up when he hears keys hit the floor along with a "shit". He moves towards the foyer and he finds Alma struggling to take her shoes off.
"Al?"
His voice startles her and if he wasn't so concerned he would've laughed with how she fell on her ass. Although Alma is giggling enough for the both of them.
"Is Nathan up," Alma hiccups.
Jax furrows his brows. "Are you drunk?"
Alma stands on her shaky legs and Jax can't really ever think of a time Alma got drunk. She would be on the edge, but nothing to have her stumbling.
"If I am?" She counters as she brushes past him to their bedroom.
He follows her confused. "Where were you?"
She makes it to their room and begins to haphazardly throw her clothes and accessories around the room. He follows her as he picks up her clothes and puts them into the hamper. She doesn't answer him and he watches as she strips down to nothing but to her bra and underwear. He helps take off her jewelry and places them in her jewelry case.
"Who were you with?" He presses.
Alma sighs and it seems any tipiness she was feeling had disappeared. "Do you want a divorce?"
Jax freezes and a lump forms in his throat. He was not expecting that to come out of her mouth.
"Couples barely make it through losing one child. We lost two." Jax can see the tears forming in her eyes, but she doesn't bother to hide the pain she is feeling. "We both don't need to be miserable."
"Are you miserable?" He asks her.
"I don't make you happy," she answers.
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Jax feels guilty. With all the shit going on, he has neglected his best friend. Even if Chino is a six hour ride, he had promised to do in house visits at least once a month. He hasn't in a while. He knows that Opie won't give him shit for it, but it doesn't change the fact Jax has been a shit husband and friend lately.
He embraces his friend in a tight hug.
"Fuck, man, I'm so sorry. How you've been?" Opie asks him as they pull apart.
"I don't know man. Shit is just upside down and everywhere." Jax says as they take a seat at the table.
Opie is quiet for a bit. "What do we want to tackle first?"
Jax chuckles and shakes his head a bit. "I can't talk about the kids. I mean...I know...it's gonna take time. I'm trying to deal with it. I am finally dealing with it. I hate that you weren't there, ya know. You didn't get to say goodbye to Kaylee...you never got to meet Ben.." Jax stops as he can feel the tears building.
"Hey, man, I know. I know. We don't have to go there right now…"
"I think Alma wants a divorce." Jax reveals. Since Alma's drunken question, he hasn't been too sure of how to fix their marriage. He isn't sure how to show Alma that he wants them together. He loves her. He doesn't want to live in a world without her. He knows that he is the cause of her having doubts with them and herself.
"Did she say that?"
"She asked if it was what I wanted…" Jax licks his lips. "But if she had to ask me that...it's my fault where we are at where we are."
"What you do?"
"Treated her like shit since I came back." Jax states truthfully.
"Did you…?"
Jax nods his head regretfully. "I fucked up, Opie."
"She know?"
"Yeah. Had a few fights about it and other things. I just feel...we make an effort and it sets us back, or something happens. She's not happy, but I don't want to let her go."
Opie is silent and Jax knows he probably won't like what his friend has to say. "You think about leaving the house? Start back to square one. Just having space between the two of you can give clarity."
"With this life...I just didn't want Nathan to have to grow up in a broken home." Jax reveals.
With the Life he has, he wanted his children to have a strong family base. He may not be a good man, but he wanted to keep that shelter from his kids for as long as he could. He didn't want his kids to grow up like he did with knowing everything. He doesn't even know how much Nathan knows about club business. Sure, he entertains his son when he says that he wants to join the club, but his son didn't know the truth. He still had that child innocence that he knows is surely being stripped away.
"I think him seeing you and Alma slowly turn into shells of yourselves is gonna be worse than you two being apart and healthy. And it's not like you guys can't find your way back to each other."
"I just fucked up. I know I did." Jax says shaking his head. "I don't think I can fix this."
"When you go home, send Nathan to your moms, even if Alma is resistant, you force her to talk. You lay everything out. It might be best for you to stay at your moms than the clubhouse though."
Jax chuckles a bit. "I just...I hate myself for hurting her like this."
"You're human. Make mistakes, it is how we learn and grow from them. Marriage is hard. You both have gone through so much shit...maybe this is what you guys need so the damage isn't fixable at a certain point."
.
.
"I got you Mom!" Nathan shouts as he shoots his water gun directly on his mom's stomach. The water stain spreads and his mom huffs. His mom was mowing the front lawn and he was bored and found the stash of water guns.
"I don't know if I should be concerned about how you know your way around a gun so well." His mom states as she steps away from the lawn mower and looks down her shirt.
"I practice, Mom," Nathan says gleefully.
"Maybe a little too much," she adds.
"I miss playing with Uncle Opie." Nathan tells his mom. He really wanted to see his Uncle Opie with his dad, but he wasn't allowed to go for whatever reason.
"Well write a letter and set up a phone call date." His mom tells him.
"Yeah, but it's not the same." Nathan mutters.
Alma frowns and wraps her arms around her son. "I know, baby. Maybe when Donna goes to visit Uncle Opie we can see if you can go. Or maybe we'll make a trip with it. I'm sure Aunt Donna and your cousins would like that."
"Can Dad come?"
"Yeah, I don't see why not," she replies.
"Are you sure?"
"Why wouldn' I be?"
Nathan bites his lip. He may be young, but he notices things. Since his sister has passed away things have not been the same. He thinks even before that something was wrong with his parents.
He was used to his parents always kissing and hugging one another, but he hasn't seen them have any of those interactions in months. There isn't any laughter between them. He knows losing Ben and Kaylee has to do with most of it, but Nathan got better with the grief with his mom. She helped him. He just isn't sure how his parents aren't able to help each other.
"I just want you and Dad to be happy." He tells his mom.
Alma kneels down in front of him. He notices that she has the sad smile on her face that she has had even before Kaylee has passed. She cups his cheek and her thumb roams back and forth across it. "I love your Dad. I always will, but sometimes happiness and love aren't mutually exclusive."
"So loving Dad doesn't make you happy?"
"I will always love your Dad, but sometimes that love will make me feel sad or mad," she says with a scrunched nose that makes them both laugh. "I'm sorry things haven't been how they were. Things haven't been the same since Kaylee...and Ben, but I think things will get better. Not right away, but we just have to make a new normal for us."
"Does this new normal involve a new bike?" Nathan asks with a smile.
Alma pinches his cheeks. "You are just like your father."
"Excuse me?"
Both he and his mom jump at the voice of a woman who is standing in front of them. She has blonde hair that looks like honey. Nathan thinks she is really tall. Taller than his mom. But his eyes are drawn to her very pregnant belly.
"I'm looking for Jax Teller." The woman says.
. . .
Her name was Wendy. She was pregnant. Six months pregnant to be exact. Her belly was round and full. Wendy had told her that Jury was even kind enough to keep her working behind the bar since she couldn't glide on a pole anymore.
Wendy didn't have to tell Alma why exactly she was here. The belly and scared look on her face was enough. Alma had politely informed Wendy that Jax wasn't here and Alma gathered the appropriate contact info for the woman staying at the Ramada. Although, Alma wouldn't be surprised if Wendy made a pit stop to the clubhouse.
Alma is surprised she hasn't gotten numb to being humiliated by Jax. The only silver lining to any of this was Gemma was not busy and Alma had dropped Nathan off to spend the day with his grandmother.
Alma knows she wouldn't have been able to keep a poker face around her son. She wasn't even sure of what she wanted to do or going to do. She really wanted to kill her husband at this point. She just knows she didn't have any more tears left for her husband.
She is sitting in the living room smoking a blunt with a bottle of vodka open. She hates vodka, but right now it tastes like Kool Aid. She practically inhales the bottle when she hears Jax's bike pull into the driveway.
She waits in silence for him to enter the house.
"Babe?" Jax calls out as he enters the house.
She doesn't bother replying as he is going to smell the weed anyways. He seems to be following the scent as she hears his footsteps approaching.
"Are you smoking weed?" He asks in disbelief.
She doesn't bother with an answer. She can feel him besides her. His shadow looms over her. "And you're drinking." He takes a seat next to her. "What happened?"
Alma didn't say anything for a couple minutes. She doesn't know if she even has the right to be mad. She should've left when she first found out Jax was sleeping around. She stayed and now it is slapping her in the goddamn face.
She digs into the pocket of her cardigan. She places the paper that contains all the information to contact Wendy on the table and slides it over to Jax.
"She's looking for you." Alma tells him.
Jax furrows his brows and he looks down at the paper. It doesn't seem to click as he stares at the paper for a couple minutes. Although maybe Alma adding that she is from Nevada might have helped connect the dots.
"Babe -" Jax starts and goes to reach out to her, but Alma stands immediately and creates some distance. He immediately clamps his mouth shut.
"I want you out of the house. I don't care where you go or who you are with, but I want you gone. If you need something regarding Nathan, you can talk to me through Gemma. But don't call me, don't come here, don't do anything until I reach out."
"Alma, please let -"
"She's pregnant!" Alma shouts and Jax's freezes.
"It's not mine. I wore -"
"I don't care. You slept with her. She's pregnant and she's here." Alma folds her arms around herself. "I'll give you space to pack your clothes."
. . .
Two weeks Jax has felt like he has been in a constant state of panic. It's been two weeks since he has heard from Alma or even seen a glimpse of her. She had been deadly serious that if there was anything concerning Nathan that it was to go through his mom.
Even when he got Nathan on the Thursdays to Monday morning, his mom would drop him off or pick him up.
Jax had decided to stay with his mom as well. He didn't want to stay at the clubhouse. The guys were not saying much, outside of Piney, but were giving him looks of pity. He knew it was going to be any day now that Alma would serve him divorce papers.
And after a couple days, Jax had made a move to contact Wendy. He had been met with a very pregnant Wendy. She was claiming that he could be the father. He fits in her timeline of conception. He demanded a DNA test, but of course she wanted to wait until the baby was born for the non invasive test. Still, there was a chance that this baby could be his. Even if it wasn't the damage was already done.
"Sitting in your self pity isn't going to get your wife back."
Jax snaps his gaze up from his half empty coffee mug to look at his mother. He of course got a verbal ass whooping from his mother. He feared his mother was going to shoot him. He also had been surprised that she wasn't trying to help him mend his marriage, but he knows it would only piss off Alma more.
"Maybe we should get a court order demanding Wendy performs a DNA test now."
"I'm not going to do that." Jax says.
"Why not? Do you realize what is at stake here? Alma is going to leave your sorry ass."
"Thanks for the reminder, Mom. But I would rather not have to deal with an angry Wendy."
"Who gives a fuck about that bitch's feelings. She went out of her way to humiliate your wife in front of your son. She knew what she was doing when going to your house." Gemma snarls. "Besides from the way you are talking, it seems the kid is yours."
"It could be." Jax admits truthfully.
Gemma sighs. "Then the ink on your divorce papers is practically dry, Jax."
"You know I really don't need this right now, Ma."
"Oh I'm sorry, Alma didn't need to be humiliated and betrayed by her husband when she was mourning the loss of their children. See what happens when you bury your fucking problems in pussy that isn't your wife!" Gemma snaps.
Jax scowls at his mom and he doesn't get to reply as his phone starts vibrating. He sees it's Half Sack. Despite Alma's no contact order he had given the Prospect instructions to keep tabs on his wife.
"Yeah?"
"Jax, you need to get to the house."
Jax immediately stands. "Why what's going on?"
"I think she is leaving, Jax."
. . .
He wasn't surprised to see Ann there. He should have expected it. He doesn't even properly park his bike as he stands and gets off it. He can hear it fall down on the driveway and he removes his helmet and tosses it on the ground.
Nathan is sitting on the steps crying. Ann is packing an unrecognizable car he thinks could be a rental. Alma stands out on the steps not entirely shocked to see him. Any misery vanishes at the thought of Alma leaving and taking his son without any warning.
"So you were just going to fucking leave without saying anything. You were going to take my son!" He roars and he doesn't care about causing a scene.
"Nathan wants to stay here with you." Alma replies calmly. "I was gonna drop him off with you at your mom's. Lowen drew up some divorce papers."
Jax's heart drops to his chest. His anger instantly vanishes. "Alma, please, we can work this out. Just don't leave."
Alma steps down from the steps. "I have no choice but to leave you. Just please sign the papers that is all I want."
"Alma, please…" He begs.
He can tell Alma is trying to fight back the tears. "There isn't anything you can do or say, Jax. I don't want to end up hating you more. When I get settled we can make arrangements for Nathan. Just keep him safe."
She turns away from him and she kneels down to face Nathan. He can't hear what she is saying, but his little boy begins to cry harder.
"Please, don't go, Mom. Just stay please," Nathan wails as Alma holds their son close. Nathan's cries lower, but his body is shaking from the effort. Alma presses a kiss to his head and holds him before she stands.
Alma turns to him. Her eyes filled with unshed tears. "I'll call Nathan when I get settled."
"Where are you going?" Jax asks her. "You don't need to leave, Alma. You can have the house -"
"Charming isn't my home anymore Jax. You made sure of that."
Jax watches as Alma reaches her mom, who finally closes the trunk of the car. Jax is surprised Ann isn't jumping for joy or doing cartwheels. Alma doesn't look back as she gets into the passenger side of the door. The car begins pulling out of the driveway when Nathan gets up screaming for them to stop. The car stops and Alma opens the door.
Nathan stands in front of him. His blue eyes red from tears. "I want to go with Mom."
Jax doesn't bother hiding his tears as he bends down and embraces his son tightly. He cannot deny the boy the right to want to leave with Alma. "You take care of your mom, alright."
Nathan holds him tightly. "I love you, Dad."
Jax presses a kiss to his son's head. "I love you too. You and your mom."
Nathan loosens his grip and Jax lets his son go. He watches as Alma holds Nathan tightly before she helps him into the backseat of the car.
Jax watches his family drive away.
He falls to his knees and he doesn't care who sees him.