A/N: I'm back with a Christmas fic! This will be a three-shot unless the plot bunnies have other plans. It's a twist on the usual reunion stories. Instead of Elliot leaving after season twelve, what if Olivia left after Sealview? Set in season thirteen. Elliot is divorced and has been for quite some time as he and Olivia were in an established relationship when she left. Enjoy! Also please proceed with caution as this fic will cover what happened at Sealview. Mentions of sexual assault and attempted rape as well as PTSD, are involved that may be triggering for some. The bulk of that content will be in chapter two.

His views of Christmas had changed through the years. When he was a child it mostly consisted of his parents screaming at each other, and he and his brothers escaping to Rockefeller Center to see the tree. When they got older, they would often spend the holiday with their friends' families.

It became his favorite time of year when he had a family of his own and vowed to give his children a better Christmas than he ever had. Each year he tried to make better than the last. It wasn't always easy with the demands of his job, but seeing the joy on their faces every morning, along with cookie baking, movie watching, and family togetherness made all the stress and chaos worth it.

His kids weren't the only ones he longed to give a better Christmas to, though. His beautiful, but lonely partner was also on that list. It broke his heart knowing how many Christmases she had spent alone wishing she had a family to be with. He invited her to spend Christmas with him, but she always politely declined. Her excuse was that she had work to do, but in reality, she thought it would be too painful. The first Christmas after he and Kathy divorced, though, she accepted because she didn't want him to feel alone like she did. They spent the holiday on her couch with a hot chocolate, watching cheesy hallmark movies, and laughing at how ridiculous they were. It was that Christmas that he realized how deeply in love with her he was and had been for a long time. That night eventually led to talking once the movies were over, which led to a kiss when they realized they were practically cuddling on the couch. The kiss led to more talking and long-hidden feelings being revealed. They knew there was no going back and that they had to deal with all the conflict their new relationship brought.

They had finally gotten to a good point where they could both still work in the unit despite no longer being work partners, and where his kids got over their initial upset over their parents being divorced. They loved Olivia and had always considered her a friend, so it wasn't too hard to adjust to her because she was already an important part of their lives.

Everything was good, until four years later when she went undercover at Sealview and never returned the same. He tried that first day to get her to open up to him, but his attempts failed. Then, the Captain dropped the bombshell that she turned in her papers and left the unit she had considered home, the colleagues she had considered family, without any explanation. When he got back to the apartment they had bought together, all her things were gone. She didn't answer any of his calls, She simply texted him that she was sorry, and that was the last time any of them heard from her. Elliot and Fin felt the most guilt. Fin because he'd been at Sealview with her, and even though he rescued her he wished he'd gotten to her sooner. Elliot because she was his partner, the love of his life, it was his job to keep her safe, and he felt like he'd completely failed her.

He hadn't heard from her in four years, and it broke his heart. It also filled him with rage at the monster she had gone undercover to catch. Elliot knew something had happened in that basement even though he didn't know what. He had horrible nightmares for weeks about all the sick things that could have happened to the woman he loved. He knew it had to have been bad for her to leave the way she did.

It was a week and a half before Christmas when he came home from work and saw the letter in the mail.

I know it has been a while, and after the way I left, I wouldn't blame you if you were angry and stopped caring. In case you still do, come to the return address on this envelope. I'll explain everything.

The letter wasn't signed, but he would know her handwriting anywhere. He reread the note a few times just to be sure. Was his love reaching out to him again after all this time? She was wrong. He never stopped caring. He loved her so much, and even though he had been hurt a part of him understood. His heart was flooded with relief because wherever she was this note meant she was safe. He put the address she gave him in GPS and raced out the door. The drive took him to a cabin near the mountains in Stowe, Vermont. A place he'd never heard of. She had likely chosen it for that reason; isolation from the life she knew would remind her of the demons that haunted her.

He stayed in the car for a while and tried to figure out what he would say to her. He wanted to yell at her for scaring him and breaking his heart. He wanted to apologize profusely for whatever he did to make her stop trusting him. He wanted to wrap her in his arms, kiss her, and tell her he loved her and was never letting go again. He swallowed hard and sighed, deciding he needed to just get out of the car and stop overthinking things.

His footprints were the only ones in the snow leading up to the cabin. There were some by the mailbox that he assumed was hers. It made his heart ache that he was probably the only visitor she'd had, that she was putting up walls, and hiding away from the world like this.

The ache in his heart grew when he noticed her blinds were closed. The hurt and frustration he'd felt towards her was declining with each step he took, replaced by a determination to be there in any way she needed him to help her heal.

He knocked on the door gently so he wouldn't spook her. After a couple of minutes, he heard hesitant footsteps approach the door and stop. The partner he once knew would have opened it, and if she didn't want to deal with who it was would simply slam the door in their face. This change made him hate Lowell Harris even more than he already did.

"Livia?" He called. He almost added 'honey' out of old habits, but stopped himself, not knowing where things stood between them anymore. "It's me. It's El."

A couple more footsteps were heard as he waited patiently.

"Elliot?" Hearing his name from her voice for the first time in 4 years involuntarily brought tears to his eyes.

He sniffled. "It's just me."

He could hear her unlocking the door, and then she cracked it open hesitantly as if wanting to make sure he was real.

"You came," He gave her a shaky smile.

"Did you really expect me not to?"

"I don't know," Her voice broke and his heart broke with it.

"Liv-"

"Oh, El," She threw her arms around him, and he held her just as tight, this time unable to suppress a sob.

"I missed you so much," He buried his face in her hair and cradled her head against his chest. She snuggled in deeper and inhaled his scent.

"I'm sorry," Their tears mixed as she released a sob of her own. "I'm so sorry."

"Shhh...it's ok, baby. It's ok," The term of endearment slipped out as he comforted her like he wished he could have after she returned from Sealview.

"El-"

"It's ok, We're ok," He soothed and her heart warmed.

She pulled back slightly to look at him, and he pulled her into his embrace again. He placed a gentle, lingering kiss on her temple and swayed them side to side as they held each other.

"Elliot I-"

"If anyone should be apologizing it's me. You left because I failed you. You trusted me to keep you safe, and I didn't. I let you down."

"No, you-"

"I promised," He sniffled, and it broke her heart to see the tears in his eyes. "I promised you, Livia." He choked out.

"Elliot," She pulled back to cup his face, and he leaned his forehead against hers, unwilling to stop his tender caresses or let her put much space between them. "Listen to me. None of this was your fault. None of it."

"I-"

"Come inside," She wiped her eyes and took his hand. "Come get warm and have some hot chocolate."

Once they were in the cabin she shut the door and took his coat, hanging it on the hook next to hers. He scanned the place she'd called home for the last four years. The fireplace was on and the room looked cozy. The fact that she mentioned hot chocolate gave him hope that she was taking care of herself and eating properly. Still, his protective instinct towards her hadn't worn off.

"Have you eaten? Do you have enough groceries? Do you need-" She smiled at his concerned rambling. She had missed him so damn much.

"I'm doing alright El," She didn't say she was 'fine' because she knew from experience that word wouldn't ease his worry. "I still have good days and bad days, but I'm not as bad off as I was when I first left," She saw a flash of hurt on his face and instantly regretted her second sentence. She didn't want him to think the reason she was better was because of leaving him. Being away from him cut her deeper than anything else had. She ached for him every day, but she had to get away. She hoped he would understand that when she explained. "I started going to therapy last year. I found a therapist in town and I've been working on things. It's helped. The nightmares and sleepless nights are still there sometimes, but I'm...I'm in a better place mentally than I was. I didn't want to reach out to you until I was less of a mess."

"You think I would have cared about that!?" He tried not to yell, but suddenly four years of grief and worry hit him all at once. He was pissed at himself and her for the way she had hurt him. He was pissed at Fin for not telling him what happened at Sealview. Most of all, he wanted to murder Lowell Harris. Harris wasn't here though, which meant Elliot's agony was projected on Olivia. "Damn it Liv! I loved you! I was in love with you!" Her heart broke. Loved. Past tense.

"Elliot-" He stepped closer to her and gritted his teeth.

"Do you have any idea what has been going through my mind for the last four years!? Huh?"

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't know if you were dead, if you'd been kidnapped, or gotten sick or anything! You didn't think I'd worry?"

"El-"

"I mean, Jesus Christ Olivia, if you needed to leave the job I would have understood! All I needed was a fucking phone call, but you couldn't even give me that! I would've respected you needing space from our relationship. It would have hurt, but I would've respected it. We were supposed to be partners for better or worse. Yet, anytime the worst part of that happened you ran. First to Oregon and then up here. I don't even understand what the hell I'm doing here."

"You can leave anytime you want." But, she was praying he wouldn't

"I would have helped you. I would have been here for you no matter how bad things were. I would have done anything for you, Olivia," He still would, and he hated himself for being the cause of the tears in her eyes, but he couldn't help it. He was hurt.

"I know," Her voice cracked. She knew that. Of course, she did. "El you don't understand-"

"You're right. I don't. I don't understand why you couldn't tell me, but what hurts the most is that I don't understand why you stopped trusting me," She sniffled and looked away from him.

Watching the flames flicker in the fireplace was a lot less painful than looking at his face. She couldn't take it anymore.

"It's not that I didn't trust you. It's just...I couldn't talk about it," This time when he replied his voice was soft. Seeing her in pain was heartbreaking, and he knew she wasn't the one who deserved his anger.

"Help me understand Liv. Please."

"I will explain everything. I promise. I just-I can't right now," He knew she was right.

She needed to tell him when she was ready not while he was yelling at her for leaving him. Besides, their reunion should be a happy one right?

"How are you getting into town? I didn't see your car." He offered a change of subject.

"It's in the back. I haven't been out since last week. The snow-covered up the tire tracks," She had a feeling he would worry she'd be stuck inside with no way to get help if there was an emergency. He was a detective after all, and it was obvious his overprotectiveness was still intact. He nodded and they stared at each other for a moment before she spoke again. "Do you want to sit down? I'll get us some hot chocolate."

"Ok," He saw a twinkle in her eye when he accepted her offer, and it reminded him of when he went to visit his mother a few years ago.

She rarely had visitors and seemed to brighten up at the sight of another human being. Olivia was of course much younger, and due to whatever the trauma was that she endured was likely wary of strangers. Still, Elliot wondered if she got lonely up here. His heart ached to wonder how long it had been since she received a gentle touch or saw a smile. She did go out yes, but it didn't seem like it was very often or like she had a neighbor stop by for tea now and then. Being isolated like this had to be hard. It wasn't the same as the three days he spent in solitary confinement because she could leave if she felt up to it, but it still made him feel sad for her.

He was brought out of his thoughts when she sat next to him on the couch and handed him a mug.

"I put marshmallows in it. I don't know if you still like that," He gently covered her shaking hand with his.

"It's perfect Liv. Thank you," Olivia gave him a small smile but moved her hand out from under his.

Despite the therapy she had had she still felt ashamed of what happened. She felt like she deserved his anger, not his gentleness or his comfort after the way she left him. Plus, once he knew why she had left she feared he would hate her, that he would be disgusted by her. That was why, no matter how much it killed her to be away from him, she had ignored his calls for four years. The silence that followed wasn't awkward but wasn't completely comfortable either. Any attempt at small talk seemed to fall flat, and both of them had a plethora of questions for each other that they weren't sure how to ask.

"I uh...I made some cookies too if you want any. They're in the fridge," He raised an eyebrow in surprise, and for the first time in four years, he heard her laugh. He didn't realize just how much he had missed the sound until he heard it. "I had to learn to cook if I was going to fend for myself out here. There's no takeout delivery like in the city. I learned from Youtube. It helped me when I needed to get out of my head. I'd try a new recipe. Sometimes it worked out and sometimes it didn't, but I don't think I'm too bad." He grinned.

"I'm sure they're delicious and I would love to have one."

"Don't make fun of me if they're gross."

"I would never. I promise," While she walked to the fridge to fetch them he took the time to look around the cabin.

She had brought most of her furniture and decorations, as well as a framed photo of them, and her television which was on top of the fireplace mantle. He was thankful that she had things to distract her from bad thoughts. He knew it wasn't all paradise though. Even away from the city flashbacks, triggers, and nightmares still happened, and he hated that she had gone through it alone.

"Here you go."

"Thank you." She gave him a soft glare at the look on his face when he took a bite. "Wow, this is good."

"Don't act so surprised Stabler."

"It's not that Liv, I just didn't know you could cook," He realized that didn't sound any better. "I mean that this is the first time I've tried something of yours and it's good." He sighed in relief when she laughed again.

"It's fine El. I didn't make these expecting to be Martha Stewart. It was just a solace," She saw the concern return to his face before he could hide it. "At least it turned out better than when I tried painting." She attempted humor again to lighten the solemn mood.

"Painting?"

"That was one of the first things my therapist suggested. I sucked at it and most of my stuff was dark and depressing because of my mood. I needed to find something though. I came dangerously close to becoming my mother," He wasn't sure if she meant the rape or the drinking, and he was scared to ask. She seemed to read his mind.

"He didn't get that far with me, El. Harris didn't rape me. Fin got there in time," He felt like a boulder had been lifted from his shoulders, and tears of relief sprang from his eyes.

"Thank God," He whispered. He knew she had still been through something horrible, but he prayed every night that she had been spared from that type of violation. "I thought...I didn't know…"

"I figured Fin told you."

"He wouldn't tell me anything. I was so worried about you Olivia. I still worry every day because I never stopped loving you. No matter how much losing you hurt. I love you so much, and if you let me I will be here for you now, for whatever you need." She was touched by his words but shook her head.

"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew. I did something horrible. Something unforgivable."

"Baby listen to me. What happened to you was not your fault. It was his. You didn't do anything wrong."

"How can you say that when you don't know everything?"

"Because I know you, that's why. Would you like me to give you the 'you were a victim don't blame yourself speech'? Because I will."

"This was different. I'm trained to know how to get out of those situations."

"Liv-"

"Can we talk about something else? Please?" She couldn't do this right now. She needed more time.

"Ok." He would do anything to make her feel better.

"How are the kids?" She smiled at the way his eyes lit up when she mentioned his children.

"They're great. Eli started preschool this year, and the twins will be graduating high school in May. I'm getting old," He resisted the urge to drape his arm on the back of the couch as she leaned back to get comfortable.

"Yeah, you are," It felt nice to engage in some friendly banter despite the heavy, emotional conversation they still needed to have.

"Hey!"

"I miss them," Things suddenly turned solemn again.

"They miss you too."

"How mad are they at me for leaving?"

"They're not. They miss you and worry about you just like I do."

"Except you were mad at me."

"I was hurt. I was heartbroken and scared for you, but you're not the one I'm really mad at Liv."

"I should be."

"No, no you shouldn't, and I shouldn't have yelled at you earlier like that. I'm sorry." She looked at him in disbelief. What was he doing apologizing to her?

"I figured you hated me. I'm scared that you will hate me."

"I am not capable of hating you, Olivia Benson. Don't you know that? It's just not possible," He smiled reassuringly. "How could I hate someone who's had my heart for so long? How could I stay mad at someone I love so much." She sniffled, and he wanted to pull her into his arms when he saw tears in her eyes again.

"Because you don't know what-"

"Sweetheart, please look at me," The term of endearment was used to emphasize his loyal affection towards her. "Unconditional love means that doesn't matter, okay?" He knew whatever she thought she needed to confess to wasn't her fault, but even if it was, his feelings would remain the same. "Can I hold you for a second?" He didn't know if she would accept or reject his comfort right now, but he had to try. She leaned into him and to his relief, allowed him to wrap his arms around her. She buried her head in the crook of his neck and closed her eyes, inhaling his scent that always made her feel secure. He kissed her temple lightly and left his lips against her hair as he spoke. "I won't pretend I wasn't hurt or upset, but I also know that something terrible happened to you that shattered your soul, and all I want is to help pick up the pieces and glue them back together."

"What if you can't? What if I'm too broken to be fixed?" He tightened his arms around her and stroked her hair lovingly.

"We're all a little broken. That's why we lean on each other. Together we can be whole." She snuggled deeper into him.

"I missed you so much. I know it was my fault for keeping you away, but El you gotta know, I hated being away from you. There were so many nights I couldn't sleep because I felt cold and just wanted to be in your arms. There were so many days where it was too quiet, and I longed to hear your voice. I didn't have the courage to pick up the phone, but sometimes I'd hear your voice in my head and it helped with the loneliness."

"I missed you too, love. I never stopped thinking about you," He kissed her head sweetly again, and they enjoyed the comfort of each other's embrace for a while until she pulled back.

"El?"

"Hmm?"

"I want to explain everything, but I think I need a break from the emotional part of this reunion for a bit. This might seem like an odd request, but it is almost Christmas. I brought some of my decorations from our apartment, and I have a tree. Would you want to help me make this place look a little brighter before we dig into the dark stuff?"

"I'd love to."

The rest of the afternoon was spent doing everything to avoid the elephant in the room. Olivia took the boxes of decorations out of the closet while Elliot put her tree together. They hung a wreath on the door, lined the mantle with garland, lit some candles, and placed various other decorative items around the room. Then, they decorated the tree together, and made a fresh batch of cookies after they finished eating the ones Olivia had in the fridge. Elliot was surprised because from what he remembered about his partner, she rarely decorated for the holidays. The only reason she had the first year they were together was because she wasn't alone anymore, and the kids were coming over, so she wanted them to have a normal Christmas. He knew this year though it was probably a good distraction from her pain, and since it was something that made her happy and didn't hurt her, he would support it wholeheartedly.

That evening, after the work was done and everything looked festive, they cuddled on the couch under a blanket. As the fireplace radiated the cabin, the hot chocolate warmed their throats, but Olivia's veins rapidly turned to ice when she realized there was no going back now, no more distractions.

She had to tell him.

She had to face whatever his reaction would be, and even though he had promised her over and over that he still loved her and nothing would change, that he wasn't leaving her, the shame was eating away at her, and she feared that pretty soon there would be nothing left.

Elliot could see her staring intently at the tree, but he could tell it wasn't because she was admiring it or rethinking the placement of an ornament. There was a storm cloud hanging over her, and he needed to offer her an umbrella before she got trapped in the downpour alone again.

"You're thinking loudly."

"I am? Sorry."

"Don't be. Just tell me what I can do," His voice was her steadying force, his arms were her shelter. Even after all this time. They always had been. They always would be.

Just tell him.

At least she wouldn't have to agonize over what he would think of her anymore, and maybe she could sleep without nightmares for once.

She looked into the blue eyes that had anchored her for a decade, took a deep breath, and spoke.

"What do you want to know?"

"I want to know what has been haunting you all these years, sweetheart, and why you didn't think you could tell me."

A/N: How's that for a cliffhanger? Chapter two will be her story, and chapter three...well you'll just have to read and find out! Thanks for reading and please review!

Thank you to my beta FragileVixenFic!