A/N: This chapter involves discussion of what happened at Sealview, so trigger warnings for assault and attempted rape apply. I'm also deviating from the storyline a bit, so a trigger warning for other heavy subject matter applies as well. Please proceed with caution.

"I want to know what has been haunting you all these years, sweetheart, and why you didn't think you could tell me."

She looked away from his burning gaze and chose to focus on an ornament towards the top of the tree. It was one that had been pulled from a box her mother had when she was young; an angel that had lost its shine over the years. It had scratches from moving around in the box because when her mother would put ornaments in the box with no bubble wrap, no way to protect them from the dents and wears and tears of life.

Reminisce of the way she raised her daughter.

Olivia was forced to grow up too fast. She never had a shelter. She never had supportive packing. She was just tossed in a box and expected to fend for herself. She had spent her entire life taking care of herself. She was strong, she was. She had to be, or so she thought. She always prided herself on being independent and able to take on the world.

Her mother had never mended the cracks in her wings, she had never replaced the rusted hook that was probably forty years old by the time Olivia inherited the Christmas decorations. Even though they were in bad shape Olivia never bothered to get rid of them. She wanted to care for them the way she wished her mother had for her. She wanted to store them in bubble wrap, get new hooks, try to fix the scratches, and cracks in the fragile trinkets.

The way Elliot had done for her.

Throughout their partnership, Elliot had given her the support and care her mother hadn't. He had her back, he protected her, but he also respected her independence. He kept her safe and encouraged her not to give up. He believed in her the way no one else ever had. He made her feel less fragile. No one before him had ever told her she didn't have to face the world alone. He was the sturdy branch that allowed her to spread her wings. The bubble wrap that kept her from breaking. He was her constant. Her "no matter what". Her for better or worse. He was always there. Always.

Then he wasn't.

She knew that was her fault. She had pushed him away because Lowell Harris had taken any shine she had left and turned it to rust. He had erased whatever dignity and happiness she had. She felt filthy, damaged, fragile, broken, and like everything about herself she'd worked so hard to prove over the years had been shattered. She no longer felt strong. She felt weak. She felt like trash that needed to be discarded. He deserved better than her. He deserved the brand new, shiny, expensive ornaments that wouldn't crack so easily. He deserved the ornament that was strong without bubble wrap.

She wanted to tell him she changed her mind, that she shouldn't have contacted him, that she should have let him live his life, and just allowed her to finish rotting away. She wanted to tell him to go to the store and buy a box of ornaments he could be proud of when he got back to the city.

"Liv," His voice broke her out of her anguished thoughts. "We don't have to do this now," Why did he always have to be so goddamn understanding? Didn't he realize he was wasting his time on her? Didn't he realize she wasn't supposed to be loved? She wasn't supposed to be fixed. She was supposed to be tossed in a box to make room on the tree for the ornaments that deserved to be on there. Even before Sealview, if her genes were any indication, she never should have even been for sale. The manufacturer shouldn't have put her in with the rest in the shipping box.

Yes, they did have to do this now because she owed it to him for putting up with her all these years when she didn't deserve it.

"I don't know how to start," Part of her wished Fin had told him the majority of the story so she wouldn't have to, but the truth was there was a lot Fin didn't know either. She swallowed hard. "You know there was a TB outbreak right?"

"Yeah. Warner tried to get Cragen to take you out, but it was already too late," He would never get over the guilt of knowing if they had found out about the outbreak sooner they could have spared her the pain she's carried all these years. It still ate away at him no matter how much the squad told him it wasn't his fault.

"Well, there was a riot because we were upset that they weren't giving us information about it. One of the CO's, Matthew Parker, who we were originally looking at as the suspect thought I'd started it. He told Harris to take me to the hole in C block," She paused and looked at Elliot when she continued, pleading with her eyes for him to believe her. "I never would have let him take me down to that basement if I had known-"

"But you didn't. He wasn't on our radar. You had no reason to suspect him. For all you knew he was saving you from Parker," She shuddered at the irony.

"I asked him where we were going because the hole was in a different direction. I knew something seemed off, and I should've done something."

"Olivia-"

"Please let me finish," Talking about it already made her feel sick, and she didn't want the conversation to drag on more than it needed to. "I asked him what he wanted," She gripped the couch cushion to stop her hands from trembling. "He-I saw the mattress. He pushed me toward it and-and said…"

What every man wants and you're gonna give it to me.

"He-"

Where do you think you're going, fish?

She felt like screaming. She needed the voice in her head to stop. She needed...she needed.

"Breathe Liv. That's it. Just breathe. You're safe now," Elliot's voice pulled her back to the surface. "You're safe. If this is too much-"

"No, no I can do this," She hadn't fallen yet. She was still dangling from the branch.

"Ok," He resisted the urge to wrap her in his arms in case she needed space right now. He hoped she knew she could seek his comfort if needed.

"He uh...he t-tied my hands with something and threw me down on the mattress. I-" Her body convulsed as she tried to suppress the sobs bubbling in her throat. If she fell apart now she would never get through this. "I've never been so scared in my life Elliot. I was screaming, and he kept taunting me, saying no one could hear me down there. I managed to get away before he could get on top of me, but he grabbed me and-" She let out a strangled sob that cracked Elliot's heart. "He pushed me up against the wall. I couldn't move. I just...froze. I could feel him p-pressing against me, and I thought...I thought that was it. I thought I was about to become my mother, and I felt so ashamed because I should have been able to get out of that situation-"

"How?" Even though she had asked him not to interrupt her he couldn't help himself. He may not have been there to protect her then, but he needed to protect her from self-destruction now. He hoped she would let him. "Babe, you didn't have a gun. You only had one person as a backup, and he had no idea where you were. Your life was in danger. Harris could have killed you. He was armed, you weren't. There was nothing you could have done."

"I should have done something!" She half yelled, half sobbed. "I just stood there and was gonna just take it! Do you know how fucking pathetic that is!?"

"It's not pathetic."

"El-"

"Think about what you would have said to a victim we were working within that situation," She didn't respond, so he continued. "You did get away that time right? It wouldn't have mattered if you didn't, but you did," She looked away from him again and back at the tree.

It looked sad without its lights on. It made her think of how her light had been snuffed out in that basement four years ago. She got up and Elliot wondered if he had pushed her to open up to him too soon. He watched as she walked towards the tree and reached for the light switch. When he realized her hands were shaking too much to turn the lights on he got up to help. He was careful not to go directly behind her in case that triggered her, he stayed in her peripheral vision.

"Here I got it," His voice was soft and laced with concern. "Better?" She breathed a sigh of relief when the lights flickered on.

Something was comforting about the tree being lit up. It made her soul feel less dark.

"Yeah," Her eyes locked onto a lonely branch at the bottom of the tree.

It didn't have an ornament on it because it wasn't able to be fluffed enough to hold one. It was dusty, wilted, abandoned. She wondered if that was how Elliot felt when she left him.

"You ok?"

"Yeah," The crack in her voice told him otherwise.

"Can I do something? What do you need?"

"I don't know," There was an orange ornament on the branch next to the lonely one.

It was a small glass basketball one from her mother's high school days. She wasn't sure if it was that it was the same color as her jumpsuit at Sealview if it was that it belonged to her mother or a combination of both, but looking at it made her nauseous.

She turned to Elliot again and his calming swirls of blue. She felt like she could breathe a little easier when she looked into them. The trouble was she feared what the look on his face would be when she told him certain things. For now, though, she could seek refuge.

"Talk to me."

"I uh...can you..."

"Yeah?" Even with the fireplace going she noticed the room felt cold. She was shivering and her skin was crawling. "Come here, Liv," He was thankful when she let him put his arms around her and snuggled into his warmth. He felt her release a shuddery breath. "Better?" He swayed her in his arms from side to side to comfort and ground her in the present.

"Yes."

"Do you want to stay here or go back to the couch?"

"I don't care. Just don't let go," She gripped him tighter.

"I won't," She rested her head in the crook of his neck, inhaled his scent, and placed her hand over his heartbeat, allowing the things that made him Elliot to soothe her. Then she took a deep breath and continued.

"My hands were still tied behind my back, but when he started to put his hand inside my pants I managed to kick him and run. I hid behind some boxes and chairs which was probably stupid because it didn't take him long to find me. I managed to get my hands untied."

She whimpered when his baton struck and dragged along the chain link surrounding the storage across from where she was hiding. She would never get that god-awful sound out of her head.

"When he...I don't even know how to describe how horrifying that sound was."

"The metal against metal?" She nodded against him.

"It was so...awful. I tried to cover my ears but it was so deafening. It echoed since we were in a basement which made it ten times worse. I uh-" She paused hoping he wouldn't think she was weak when he heard the next part.

"It's ok. You can tell me." He reassured her and stroked her hair soothingly as he held her.

"I needed the sound to stop, El. I knew what he would do to me if he found me, but I needed the sound to stop!"

"I know, honey. I know. It's alright."

"Ok, you win."

"He grabbed me again and...he…" She sobbed. "He threw me down and then...he used the baton to beat me. That was when he broke my ribs and…" She trailed off. She couldn't tell him that part yet. "When he was done I was laying on the floor bleeding. It hurt so bad. I was so sure he was going to kill me. Then he-"

Bite me and you're dead.

"He dragged me to the door and handcuffed me. Not that I would have been able to get away anyway after that. He held me by the throat and throttled. He p-pulled down his p-pants and...exposed himself. He tried to...he said he'd kill me if I bit him and...but then Fin got there before he could."

The tears that had filled his eyes as he listened to her tell him about her ordeal spilled over.

"Thank God," He wanted to hug Fin.

The other stuff that had been done to her still made him angry, sick, and heartbroken, but he was thankful to know the love of his life had been spared from something. Bile rose in his throat, however, when he remembered something she said earlier and realized there was more.

I did something horrible, El. Something unforgivable.

What else did that bastard make her do? Was she leaving something out? Did Fin not get there as soon as she said?

He held her in silence for a few minutes. He knew the conversation had taken a toll on her emotionally and wanted to let her rest before he asked about anything else.

She pulled away from him and walked to the kitchen to stare out the window. If she was going to tell him this next part it couldn't be in the comfort of his arms.

She didn't deserve his comfort for this.

"Livia?"

"I'm sorry El."

"You're-baby you don't have anything to apologize for. Do you hear me? Nothing," The word 'baby' felt like a dagger in her already punctured heart.

"I wouldn't have gone undercover if I had known, Elliot. I swear, I wouldn't have," Her voice cracked.

"If you had known what?" He had a feeling she wasn't just talking about the attack. His heart stopped at her next words.

"That I was pregnant," She sobbed. "I had no idea and if I did I never would have gone. I never would have done something that dangerous and risked hurting our baby."

"You-you were...pregnant?" His mind was still attempting to process the words.

They had been trying to conceive for months and had gotten to a point where they worried it would never happen. They were planning on looking into infertility treatments, but then when they caught the Sealview case things changed.

"I-you're gonna be so ashamed of me. You're gonna hate me."

"No, no sweetheart I promise I'm not. I'm not upset with you. Please, tell me." He spoke tenderly and walked closer to her, but still allowed her space.

"When I went to the hospital to get checked out they noticed some spotting. They were concerned about the injuries to my stomach and possibly internal bleeding. They did an ultrasound to check and-and told me that I-" She gripped the counter as the grief threatened to consume her. "I'd had a miscarriage," She finally sobbed out and his heart shattered. "It might have been my only chance to be a mother and I-Gah!" She took a plate from the sink and threw it on the ground.

"Oh, Liv," How could she think he would ever blame her for that?

"I wanted a family with you! It was all I have wanted for so long and I blew it!"

"No, you-" Her grief was mixed with frustration at his understanding tone. She didn't understand why he wasn't furious with her.

"I got our child killed, El! Your child!"

"No!" He finally came out of the shocked state. "No, you didn't. That wasn't your fault you, hear me!? It wasn't your fault," A sob of grief ripped from his own throat as he wrapped her tightly in his arms again. He hated this. He hated that she had experienced this kind of agony. It was a pain no parent should ever have to experience. "I'm so sorry Livia. I'm so sorry," She tried to push him away with her fists but he held her securely until her head eventually fell against his chest and her hands clung to his sweater as they cried together. Four years of grief, of pain, of heartache, poured out in buckets.

Their child.

He'd dreamed about having a family with her since he met her and the fact that in one day that dream had been obliterated was heart-wrenching. They hadn't even gotten the chance. They hadn't even gotten to find out she was pregnant and then spend months planning for their future. They hadn't gotten the excitement of sharing the news with their loved ones. They didn't get to experience the moments the product of their love first came into the world. They didn't spend the last four years working so hard, to watch a bundle of joy finally grow, only to have it never come to be. It wasn't right.

It wasn't right.

There weren't words to describe how much he hated Lowell Harris for doing this to them.

It was Christmas. They should be at home hanging stockings for their toddler and making sure presents were wrapped and that there were milk and cookies for Santa.

They shouldn't be in a cabin in the mountains sobbing over what could've been.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He pulled back and cupped her face in his. He wiped her tears away but they continued flowing. "You never should have gone through that alone."

"I couldn't face you after that El. I didn't know how. I thought maybe it was a sign that I shouldn't be a mother. That the miscarriage happened to spare our baby from how much I would have screwed them up."

"That's not true."

"I felt like I let you down. I felt like I had betrayed you. I didn't know how you could want to be partners with a cop that almost let herself get raped. I didn't think you'd trust someone that weak to have your back. I didn't-"

"Liv-"

"I didn't know how you could love a woman who killed your child. I didn't know how you could ever want to look at her touch me because of how filthy I felt."

"Olivia-"

"So I left," She sniffled. "I found this cabin online. I gave Cragen my papers. I was too weak, too damaged to be a cop. I listened to every one of your voicemails, but I was too scared to call you back. I didn't think I could take it if you were upset or disgusted. Even if you weren't, you deserved better, and I...I thought it would be too painful to see you fall in love with someone else."

"I never have, and I never will."

"You should."

"No. I love you. You're not filthy, you didn't kill anyone, you didn't betray me, you didn't let me down. I'm not disgusted. I'm not upset. I would absolutely still trust you to be my partner, both at work and in life. You are not weak, and I never want to hear that word used to describe the love of my life again," The only response he received was a sniffle. "You are the strongest person I know, Olivia."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"Elliot-"

"Let me finish, please. You do deserve to be a mother, and he took that from you. From us. It was nothing you did. He is the one who beat you and caused you to lose the baby. You did not kill our child. Harris did," Hearing his name made her shiver and Elliot tightened his arms around her. "You don't deserve guilt or shame or anger or disgust. You deserve compassion. You deserve love. You deserve to be able to grieve. It's okay to grieve Olivia."

"I've been grieving for four years, El."

"Alone. You've been suffering alone and beating yourself up for four years. We've never been able to mourn our child together, Liv. Harris robbed us of that chance," She shook her head.

"But I chose to leave."

"You wouldn't have done that if you hadn't gone through such a traumatic ordeal. Place the blame where it belongs, sweetheart. Let yourself grieve. Let it out. It's okay. I've got you now. Let me carry some of the burden. Let me lighten your load."

She released a wail that shook him to his core at his words. He knew she was releasing the pain she had kept locked inside that she didn't think she deserved to feel. They cried together, grieving their loss together for several minutes before she spoke again.

"I never got to say hello or goodbye. I never got to say goodbye to you either. I just left and what if you-you weren't-"

"But I am. I'm still here. We don't have to say goodbye. I promise."

"El?"

"Hmm?"

"I know you don't blame me, but can you tell me you forgive me? I've been needing to hear it for a long time."

"I forgive you. There is nothing to forgive, but I forgive you and I want you to forgive yourself, okay? Promise me you'll try?"

"I'll try," She sniffled. It wouldn't be easy, but for him, she would.

"Okay."

X

She slept in her bed instead of on the couch for the next two nights. It was rare for her because normally she slept on the couch to avoid nightmares, although, that didn't always help. With Elliot next to her though, she managed to get a full night's rest for once.

She snuggled deeper into his arms and clung to him, unwilling to let him go even in slumber. When his alarm went off she whimpered and held him tighter. She knew he had to go back to the city. Their Christmas reunion was over. Her heart ached to go back with him, but the fear still lingered. She had left for a reason. She had spent four years hiding away from the horrors of what happened in the basement. She couldn't go back. She couldn't relive the memories that had haunted her everyday since. She couldn't face her former colleagues who still didn't know what had happened. What would they think of her?

She felt the man holding her move as he turned off the alarm. He slowly tried to get out of bed but stopped when he heard her sob.

"Honey-" His voice was gentle as he wrapped his arms back around her. "I-I can't stay," His voice cracked along with his heart as he said those words, and she gripped him like a lifeline.

"Please don't let go," He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Livia I-"

"No, I feel safe here. I haven't felt safe in so long," Her grip was beginning to hurt and it tore at his heart to see her like this.

"Baby, come home with me. Please." Her responding sob gutted him.

"I-I can't."

"No one has to know. You don't have to talk to anyone until you're ready. Just let me take you home. I've still got the apartment. It's still just me there. Please," He pleaded. She hesitated before responding.

"I can't have you put your life on hold for me Elliot. I just...I don't know."

"You are my life. I wouldn't want it any other way. I love you so much," She swallowed at the magnitude of his words. For years, they were each other's lifeline. For so long after walking away she was convinced he would no longer feel the same way, but she could see in his eyes that nothing had changed, that what they had laid dormant between them and was still just as alive as it was in her eyes. Tears pricked her vision.

"I...I need to think about it."

"Ok. I understand," As much as it hurt he didn't want to push her. She cleared her throat to try and appear stronger than she felt and slowly loosened her grip on his shirt.

"You have to go back though."

"I-we're short-staffed at the squad, I can't...Cragen said they needed all hands on deck for this latest case, or I'd-" She knew he was struggling and gave him a shaky, reassuring smile.

'I know, El. It's ok."

"When you...when you decide, call me, ok? I'll come to get you or if you...if you can't...I'll come to visit now that I know you're here."

"Ok," She whispered and he pulled her in for a long, loving kiss.

"No matter what Livia, I love you. That will never change."

"I love you too, El," She sniffled and turned away from him. "Now get out of here."

"Liv-"

"Please. The longer you stay the harder it is to let you go."

"Ok," He kissed her head gently and reluctantly moved away. He then gathered his belongings and placed them into his suitcase. Once he had it zipped up he spoke again. "I'll call you when I get home."

She nodded and squeezed her eyes shut as the door closed. She didn't turn around. Watching him drive away would have been too painful.

Like her mother's ornament, she was back in the box with no bubble wrap again.

Like the branch at the bottom of the tree, he would once again have to face the winds alone.

She went to the living room and turned the tree lights back on. The angel ornament caught her eye again. It looked different than it had when she put it up. The way the sun reflected on it gave it a shine she thought it had lost. A shine that hadn't been there before Elliot's visit. It looked a little less fragile, a little more strong.

She wondered if the same could happen to her.

The thought had her grabbing her cell phone.

A/N: Soooo is she going home? What do we think? Chapter three will tell!

Thanks to my beta FragileVixenFic!