Who the Hell is V?

by someofthissomeofthat310

What if Derek found the note Victor wrote to Benji? Alternating between Benji and Victor's POV. I'm pretending that there were an extra couple of weeks in between Willacoochee and going to visit Simon.

p id="docs-internal-guid-db9bfd2b-7fff-8c34-d93e-9749949a9a73" dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Who the Hell is V?/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Summary: /spanspan style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"What if Derek found the note Victor wrote to Benji? Alternating between Benji and Victor's POV. I'm pretending that there were an extra couple of weeks in between Willacoochee and going to visit Simon./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Benji -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Just as I close the door to the microwave, I hear a knock at my door. I smile to myself. That will be Derek with the movie. I don't know what movie he's chosen – he's been remarkably secretive about it. Knowing him, it will be some documentary about the sociological or psychological impact of something. It doesn't matter what he chooses. We need tonight. I need a night to forget about Victor and focus on Derek./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Even as I think it, the memory of that night in Willacoochee bounces around my head. It makes me so frustrated; sometimes, I just want to scream. Part of me hates Victor for it. How dare he? How dare he further complicate my already incredibly complicated life? I didn't ask for this./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I open the door, and Derek gives me a quick kiss. "Hey," he says softly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hi." My chest feels heavy as if my guilt is an animal that is choosing to sit on my chest in an attempt to suffocate me. It used to be so easy to talk to Derek; at least, it was easier than this. I can't figure out what to say. I can hear the faint popping of the popcorn from my kitchen, and I jump on that excuse. "I should go check on the popcorn."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Derek frowns as I walk away. I know I'm being weird; I've been weird all week. I don't know how to act since Victor kissed me. I want to act like nothing happened and like it means nothing. Because it means nothing, I remind myself. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I did something wrong./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Not for the first time, I wish I could tell Derek, but I know he'll blow it way out of proportion. I don't know when I stopped being able to tell him certain things, but I'm hoping to recapture some of that tonight./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hey, babe. Do you have Advil?" Derek calls./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""There should be some in the bathroom. If not, I have some in my backpack," I call back. I pull the popcorn out of the microwave and grab a bowl. Tonight, I tell myself, tonight will fix everything. I just have to pull myself together./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I truly believe that. I truly think that if we have one night to rekindle while my parents are away to celebrate their anniversary, we'll get back to a good place, and Victor's kiss will fade to a distant memory. It will be like it never happened./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"At least, I believe that until Derek storms into the kitchen holding a crumpled piece of paper. "Who the hell is V?" he asks. His face is getting red and his eyes are getting big, the way they always do when he's furious./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I… what?" I ask. Part of me thinks that maybe if I play dumb, this will go away, but I know he's not going to let this go. I stare at the note in his hand. I'm such an idiot. I never should have kept it, but once I read it, I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. It doesn't change anything; I still can't be around Victor, but I miss him. We'd become really good friends while we worked together. I don't want to entirely let go of those memories./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I found the note. Who's V?" he repeats slowly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You went through my stuff?" I ask incredulously./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""There wasn't any Advil in your bathroom. There was, however, a note from a guy who kissed you in your bag. I want to know who he is." Derek's not yelling, but he has this way of talking that makes me feel like he is./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I… can't tell you that," I say slowly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What the hell?" Derek asks. "Have you been cheating on me? Is that why you won't tell me?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No, it's not like that. He was just… confused. I think he's still figuring things out, so he kissed me. It didn't mean anything," I tell him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Then why didn't you tell me?" Derek's voice is getting louder by the second. "If it didn't mean anything to you, why didn't you tell me? And why won't you tell me who he is?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I didn't want to upset you." Even as I say it, I know it's a terrible excuse. "Look, I've talked to him. I told him that I can't see him… ever. I won't tell you who he is because he's not out yet. I don't even know if he's gay." And it's true. He hadn't specifically said in his note; he just apologized that he hurt me while he was figuring out who he liked. I'm 99% sure that his note implied that he's gay, but without the confirmation, I'm not making assumptions. "Maybe kissing me helped him figure out that he's not. I don't know. But I do know that he deserves to figure that out in his own time."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You like him," Derek accuses me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I hesitate a second too long. "No, of course not."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Derek slams his hand down on my kitchen table. "I can't fucking believe this," he says. "I've been nothing but good to you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Nothing but good to me?" I ask incredulously. "What about our relationship has been nothing but good to me? You make fun of me for liking romantic things. You won't even pretend to be interested in the things I like to do, but if I don't want to do something you want to do? I'm being selfish." I shake my head. "But that doesn't matter because you are the one that I want to be with."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He purses his lips. "No, I don't think I am. I think you're still… figuring things out," he says nastily./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Derek, come on. It didn't mean anything," I assure him. "Please. Trust me."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He shakes his head. "If it didn't mean anything you would have told me," he insists. I resist the urge to tell him that the way he's acting right now is exactly the reason that I didn't tell him. He closes his eyes for a second. "I don't think I can trust you right now, and I can't be with someone that I don't trust."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Are you breaking up with me?" I ask him incredulously./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah, I guess I am." He has a neutral look on his face which is somehow worse than his angry face. "I'm gonna go."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Derek, please," I say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No. I don't wanna hear it," he snaps. He takes one last look at me, shakes his head, and leaves./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'm left alone in my kitchen with a full bowl of popcorn and a feeling of emptiness that is rapidly spreading through my chest./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Victor -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I told you that I can just come over after my shift," I remind Mia as I pass her the coffee I just made. I know it's a normal girlfriend thing to see a boyfriend at work, but it's really inconvenient for me right now./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She shrugs. "I didn't get to see you last weekend and you've been working so much since they promoted Benji and moved him to a different place," she says with a small smile. I feel myself growing flustered at the reminder of my lie. I'd panicked when she asked why Benji wasn't working with me anymore and that had been the first thing that came to mind. "I wanted to see you. I figure I can wait here and talk to you when you're not busy. Like now."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She moves her hand to cover mine, and I quickly reach for the towel that's under the counter as an excuse to avoid the contact./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I nod nervously. I need to tell her. Today. It's the whole reason I texted her about coming over. Simon is right. The time will never be right and stringing her along another three weeks until the dance would be cruel./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She gets this disappointed, angry look on her face. It's a look I've seen way too often over the last several weeks. The guilt gnaws at my chest./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I have to clean up," I say quickly. Usually, I would have delegated it to the new girl, Victoria, but I need the escape. I disappear in the back for a minute to compose myself. How am I ever going to tell her?/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I hear the bell ring, and I go back out to the front. Victoria is still training, so I'm supposed to oversee the drinks she makes. I don't think I'm as good at it as Benji was when he trained me. I'm not nearly as patient and I've been particularly on edge today with Mia watching my every move. "Mom. Dad. What are you doing here?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You've been working here for months, mijo. We wanted to see where the magic happens," my mom says. "And we're taking Adrian and Pilar shopping. We could use the pick-me-up." Pilar is wearing the same disgruntled expression she's had on since she got grounded for getting her tongue pierced, so I have no doubt shopping with her has been a nightmare./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Of course," I say with a tense smile. "What do you want?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What do you recommend?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Before I have a chance to make a suggestion, Mia comes over. "Hey," she says. "You didn't tell me your parents were coming in."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I didn't know," I say uncomfortably. I think it's obvious to everyone that something is off with me and Mia. Mia pretends not to notice. I think she hopes that if she ignores it, it will just go away. It makes me feel endlessly guilty./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"My dad looks at me curiously, but I can't meet his gaze. Being surrounded by all the people I still need to come out to is far more stressful than I'd anticipated. "I'll get started on your coffees."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"They didn't give me an order, but I know them well enough to know what they'll like. I'm making a hot chocolate for Adrian when the bell dings again./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I don't look over until I hear a hard voice say, "Hey, V."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'm confused when I turn to see Derek. "Hey, Derek. You know Benji doesn't work here anymore, right?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm not here for Benji. You're V, right?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I stare at him with my mouth slightly agape as I realize that Benji must have told him. Though, I guess he left out my actual name. "I…"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What the hell is wrong with you?" Derek asks. "You kissed my boyfriend."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I don't think it's my imagination that silence falls around me. I don't look where my family and Mia are standing. I can't. I'm too busy being stuck in a nightmare. "I… I'm sorry. It was a mistake. It never should have happened."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You're damn right it shouldn't have. Benji and I? We were really great together. And you had to go ruin it!"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Were? You broke up?" I ask. My heart drops to my stomach. I never wanted that to happen./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Derek doesn't answer me. "I had to find out from that stupid letter you wrote him," Derek snaps. "Do you know what that was like?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I only had to write him that letter because he didn't want to see me. He switched coffee shops so that we wouldn't have to work together anymore. I'm sorry that it happened, and I'm sorry you found out from my note but don't take that out on Benji. I kissed him, and he stopped it because he's with you. I know it's not an excuse, but I've been confused for a while. I didn't know for sure that I was… you know, not until I kissed him."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You didn't know you were gay," Derek says. Hearing the word is like a slap to my face. I haven't actually said it out loud yet. It just seems like that one little word holds so much power./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah," I admit. "He really loves you, and if you let him go, you'll be making a big mistake. Benji's… awesome. He's kind and sweet and patient… you're really lucky to have him. Don't break up with him because of me."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What are you, in love with him or something?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What? No. Of course not," I say. I can't look at Derek when I say that, and I can feel my heart thumping erratically. I can't even begin to unpack the strange feeling that courses through me like wildfire whenever I think of Benji, but it's definitely not love. Not yet at least, and I'm pretty sure I threw away any chance of it ever being love. "I don't know how I feel about him, but it doesn't matter because he's your boyfriend."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I can't believe this. Just stay away from him," Derek seethes before he walks out. I'm left standing there, trying to wrap my head around what just happened. It hits me all at once that I'm not alone. I look at Victoria who is standing behind the counter with me. She's nervously looking at the ground as if she doesn't know what to say. She's having quite the first day./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Then I look at Mia. Her eyes are filled with tears, and she looks like her world is crumbling around her. Behind her, my family is staring at me. My dad looks horrified. He's shaking his head as if he can't believe what just happened. My mom looks… heartbroken. She's crying and I think… praying? Pilar is looking at me like I'm a nasty bug intruding in her life. Somehow, Pilar hurts the most. I knew my parents weren't going to take it well, but I didn't think Pilar would have a problem with it./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I need to get out of here. I take off my apron. "Call Sara if you need help," I tell Victoria before I leave. To my knowledge, no one tries to call after me or follows me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I don't pay attention to where I'm walking. I just try to put as much distance between me and Brasstown as possible. I send Simon a message while I walk. I hope that he'll have some kind of magical solution for me. Just typing everything out to him makes me feel a little better./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Felix calls me after I've been walking for over thirty minutes. I think it's a first. We usually walkie-talkies, or he just comes over to talk. "Hey, I heard about what happened."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Benji -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I spend the rest of my weekend sulking. Derek doesn't return any of my phone calls, but I'm not surprised. When he gets mad, there's no getting through to him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"When I get to school on Monday, I don't notice the whispers right away. When I do notice them, I assume that something happened at some party this past weekend and that must be the cause of the gossip. It's not until lunch that I realize I'm involved in the gossip around me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Has Victor been staying with you?" I look over to see a girl. It takes me a minute to realize she's Victor's sister. I've only met her in person one time, and I spent most of Victor's party trying to calm Derek down, so I didn't have the opportunity to get to know her./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Why would Victor be staying with me?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I don't care if he is, you know. He just never came home after your boyfriend harassed him at the coffee shop, and he's not in school today. I want to make sure he's okay," she says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Derek did what?" I ask. A feeling of horror is settling in me. I should have known he would have figured it out. I've talked about Victor. It wasn't that much of a leap to figure out that V is Victor./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You didn't know?" Pilar asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No, I didn't," I tell her. "What happened?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Derek went to Brasstown while Victor was working," she starts. "He started freaking out on him because… because he kissed you. Our parents were there." I may be furious with Victor, but right now, my heart is breaking for him. Derek, of all people, should have known better. I feel nauseated. "He didn't deny it, you know. That he's gay."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Good for him. I know how hard that can be," I say. "Did you say he hasn't been home?" I feel fear knot in the pit of my stomach. I remember how hard it was to be in the closet. I, at least, got to come out on my own terms. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him to be outed the way he was./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Not since Saturday," she tells me. "My parents think he's staying with a friend. They're not worried about it." Her face contorts with frustration, and I get the idea that his parents are a whole thing right now. "Felix is his only other friend, and he hasn't seen him."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Have you asked Mia?" I ask. It's a long shot, but it's possible that she hasn't heard yet or that she's forgiven him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She shook her head. "She was at Brasstown too. I doubt Victor is her favorite person right now."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"That nauseated feeling is only growing. I can't believe Derek would do that. "There's still a chance," I point out. "I'll go with you. I'm sure she has some questions."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"It takes us a while to find Mia and then when we find her, I'm surprised to see she's with Andrew. Pilar and I walk up to her./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Mia," Pilar calls. "Have you seen Victor?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Mia frowns. "No. And I don't want to right now," she says angrily. She looks at me. "And I definitely don't want to see you right now."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Okay, I don't have time for this drama," Pilar says bluntly. "Victor hasn't been home since Saturday. Are you sure you haven't seen him?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm sure," Mia says. "He called me Sunday, but I didn't answer him, and he didn't leave a voicemail. I'd say he's probably with his boyfriend." She says the last word with as much condescension as she can fit in her tone./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm sorry," I tell her. "But you have to know that kiss meant nothing."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It's not just about the kiss," she says angrily. "While I was falling in love with him, he was falling for you. That kiss may have meant nothing to you, but I know him. I could see it when he talked about you. He cares about you in a way that he's never cared about me."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I stare at her, my mouth agape. "He talked about me?" I ask. I turn to Pilar. Why wouldn't she tell me this?/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Pilar shuffles uncomfortably. "Uh… yeah. When he defended you to Derek," she admits. "I'm sorry we bothered you." She pulls my arm to get me to walk./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Pilar, what did he say about me?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Enough to make it really obvious that he likes you." She looks at the ground. "And he told Derek that he'd be an idiot to walk away from you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "He said that?" I ask quietly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""He did." A small smile crosses her face. "I really think he likes you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I frown. I don't know what to think about that, so I focus on the easy part. "Mia hasn't seen him. Are you sure Felix hasn't?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You're welcome to ask him yourself, but he said that he hasn't seen him," she says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"We find Felix sitting on the half-wall that encloses the outdoor eating area. He has headphones on and is swaying to a song that only he can hear./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Pilar taps on his shoulder, and he takes out his headphones. "Hey. Any word from Victor?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I was about to ask you that. Are you sure you haven't heard anything from him?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Pilar's not really looking at him, so she misses what I see. Everyone has a tell when they lie. For Felix, his eyes get big and he looks around as if he's looking for inspiration for what to say. "Nothing."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""If you know where he is, you have to tell us. We're worried about him," I say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm sure you are," Felix says. He looks down at his phone./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm serious. I just want to help. Where is he?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Victor -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I try not to look openly shocked as I take in Felix's apartment. There's stuff… everywhere. "This is… surprising." We walked around for nearly an hour before we came here. I thought he'd been exaggerating when he said his mom has a problem letting go of stuff./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Felix nods. "I didn't show you this before because I was embarrassed. It's hard to know how someone will react when I tell them about my mom," he says. He shuffles uncomfortably. "My bedroom is a lot cleaner. We can go in there."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I nod and follow him. His bedroom is a lot better - there isn't stuff piled up and it kind of looks like he keeps it meticulously organized. I'm surprised to see how normal his bedroom looks. I sit down in the chair by his desk, and he sits down on his bed. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you," I say quietly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It's okay." He looks up at the ceiling as if he's thinking. "Part of me wants to be offended, but I get it. There are some things that are really hard to talk about. Maybe you've come to terms with it yourself, but you never know how someone else will take it."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah." I tangle my hands together. "It's not that I don't trust you. I was getting ready to tell you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""But then Derek took matters into his own hands?" Felix guesses. "You know, I'm cool with it. You're still my best friend. No matter what."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Thanks," I say softly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Are you going to be okay? To go home?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I don't know," I answer. "You didn't see their faces."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""They're your parents. They love you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I shake my head. "They love who they thought I was."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You never know if you don't reach out," he points out./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Wanna bet?" I take out my phone. I press my mom's contact and put it on speakerphone. It rings once and then goes to voicemail. "So, she's ignoring me."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You don't know that. Maybe her phone died," Felix says. I can tell he doesn't really believe that because he's avoiding eye contact, and he's usually a pro at uncomfortable eye contact./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I press my dad's number. His rings and rings and rings. Until, "Victor." I don't know if it's my imagination that his voice sounds harder than usual. I hear something in the background. They must not be home yet./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hey," I say quietly. I hear my dad sigh on the other end. "I'm really sorry you found out this way."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm not talking about this."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Dad," I start to say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No," he cuts me off. "I don't know what's going on with you or why you kissed that boy, but this isn't you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I stare at my phone. I'm tempted to hang up on him to avoid the inevitable argument, but part of me… wants to be me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""This is me, Dad. I'm sorry you found out this way, but it doesn't change that it's true," I say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"His next words are, "you're not gay."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yes, I am. I can't change this thing about me. Believe me, I've tried."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Well try harder." I hear the click as he hangs up. His contact flashes on my phone before it disappears./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'd say my couch is open, but you've seen my living room," Felix says. I think he's trying to break the tension, but neither of us feels like laughing. He's still staring at my phone as if he can't believe his ears. "My floor is really comfy. You can stay as long as you need to."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Thanks." I sigh. "I think they're still out, so I'm going to go pack some clothes before they get back."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Do you want me to come with you?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I shake my head. I need to do this on my own. "I'll just be a minute."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Sure enough, when I walk into our apartment, it's empty. I go to my bedroom and throw some clothes in the same suitcase I used when we moved. I was supposed to give it back to my mom, but it hadn't happened yet. It seems like my first stroke of luck in a long time that I don't have to go digging through closets to find it. I throw my clothes haphazardly in my bag and hesitate before I grab a picture of me and my family. It was taken back in Texas before our lives fell apart, so we all look genuinely happy. I don't know what's about to happen, but I want to take that memory with me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Felix and I are up all night. I can't sleep after everything that's happened, and Felix stays up with me. It's weird, but I feel like we can really talk now. Sure, there are small things that we don't know, but we got the big stuff out there. It's nice./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"A little after noon on Sunday, my phone dings. It's a message from Simon./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Is that your mom or dad?" Felix asks hopefully./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I shake my head. No one knows about my messages to Simon, but after everything we've talked about over the last 24 hours, it feels like a lie not to tell him. "Do you remember Simon Spier?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Benji -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Felix is adamant that he doesn't know anything but another two days pass, and he's still as cool as a cucumber. He doesn't seem worried about Victor at all./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"On Thursday, I decide that I'm going to ask Felix again. There's got to be something he knows, or he'd be freaking out as much as the rest of us are. Even Mia is starting to worry, and I think Victor may be her least favorite person on the planet right now./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"My plans to confront Felix are derailed when Derek shows up during lunch. He's wearing a visitor's tag and is walking with Ms. Albright. When he sees me, he says something to her then runs toward me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'm frozen where I'm standing. I couldn't move if I tried. He's been ignoring my calls and the last thing I expected was for him to show up at school. He hated this school. After he graduated, he swore he wouldn't come back. We'd been fighting for weeks about him coming to the dance with me. It was only three weeks away and he hadn't agreed to go yet./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Benji, hey," he says. He's a little out of breath. He's not the most athletically inclined person./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Derek, what are you doing here?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I thought a lot about what happened between us," he says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Was this before or after you went and outed Victor to his family and girlfriend?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What are you talking about?" Derek asks. He looks genuinely clueless./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""When you went to confront Victor? His family was in the coffee shop."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I watch as Derek's expression shifts from clueless to horrified. I try to keep that in mind. His anger may have gotten the best of him, but he clearly hadn't realized they'd been there. It didn't make it okay, but I felt a little better knowing he hadn't intentionally outed Victor. "I didn't know that."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Of course, you didn't," I say. I realize a little too late that my voice carries and we're starting to attract attention. "Because you never stopped to think about whether you were hurting him. You were only thinking of yourself. Just like always."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""That's not fair," Derek argues./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I think there's a lot of that going around," I mutter./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I don't want to fight with you. I miss you," Derek says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I've missed you too," I admit./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I was thinking that maybe I overreacted." Derek looks down at the ground. "You didn't ask him to kiss you, and it seems like you did the right thing and stopped him. I wish you had told me, but I can deal with that. I'm here, at a school that I never wanted to come back to, to ask if you'll give us another chance. What do you say?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"It's the romantic gesture I've been waiting for, but it's too little too late. I don't realize it until this exact moment, but I don't want to get back together with Derek. We've been broken from the very beginning. I deserve to start over with someone new. Someone like… "I need to find Felix."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What does that mean?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It means… something has been wrong with us for a very long time. This thing with Victor wasn't the catalyst to our relationship ending; it was just the final straw," I tell him. "I deserve… we both deserve to be with someone that makes us happy and makes us feel comfortable to be ourselves. You're not that person for me and if we're being honest, I don't think I'm that person for you. I'm sorry, Derek."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I walk away from him. With every step, I feel a little lighter. Pilar comes up to me as I'm walking. "Are you okay?" she asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah, I am," I say. I think I sound surprised, but I'm not sure. "Have you seen Felix?" I spin around trying to spot him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Why are you trying to find Felix?" she asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""He has to know where Victor is. Everyone else has been trying to find Victor, but he hasn't."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What are you going to do when you find Victor?" she asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I don't know," I tell her honestly. "I just know that I need to make sure he's okay, and we need to talk about this."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""There he is," Pilar says. She's pointing at a picnic table where Felix is sitting by himself./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"We walk over to him. "Before you say you don't know where he is, you should know that I know that you know," I say as I sit down across from him. I'm not even sure if that makes sense because I lost track of what I was saying while I was talking./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Felix looks at me cluelessly. "What?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Where's Victor?" I study Felix, looking for any indication that maybe I'm wrong, but he has guilt written all over his face./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I don't know." Felix looks down at the table./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm one of the few people that can say that I know a little bit about what he's going through. Let me help him. Has he been staying with you? Please, tell us the truth," I plead./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""He was with me until Monday," Felix finally says. "After his dad told him that he needed to try harder not to be gay, he didn't feel like he could go home."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Where did he go on Monday?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hold up. He talked to our dad?" Pilar asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah, he called him. No offense, but your dad was a dick. Victor called both your parents Monday before he left as well, but they didn't answer him," Felix explains./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Pilar looks shocked. "You didn't know?" I ask. She shakes her head. "I'm sorry." I turn back to Felix. "Where did he go on Monday?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""He's in… New York," Felix answers nervously. "He's been messaging with this kid named Simon and when he told him about everything that's been happening, Simon invited him to visit. Victor thought getting away from here might be good for him."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Simon Spier?" I confirm. The odds of it being a different Simon are slim to none, but I still need the confirmation. Felix nods./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Pilar nudges me. "So?" she asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Are you gonna go after him?" she asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""That would be crazy. This isn't some rom-com where the guy gets the guy," I point out./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Why not? What if the only thing that separates real life from the romcoms is the people that say it can't happen?" Pilar is looking at me intensely. She's making me feel like it's possible./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""How is he supposed to go after him? I don't know where Simon lives, and I doubt Victor will tell me," Felix points out./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No, but I know someone who will," I admit./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I don't provide more information, but they follow me as I walk to the library. I take a seat across from someone who's buried behind a stack of cooking books./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hey, Nora."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Victor -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Victor!" I hear someone calling my name, but the sheer number of people surrounding me is overwhelming. Fortunately, Simon comes to my rescue. "Hey, Victor! It's so great to meet you." It's impossible not to return his smile. Simon quickly hugs me. "This is my boyfriend, Bram."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It's so nice to meet you!" A guy that I recognize from Simon's Instagram kisses my cheek./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Whoa," I say, taking a step back./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It's cool. It's New York. No one gives a shit," Bram says. As if to prove a point, he kisses Simon, like a real kiss. He's right; no one blinks an eye./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Come on. We'll take you back to our place," Simon says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He and Bram are so cute together. They're everything I've dreamt having a boyfriend would be like. They hold hands as we walk through the streets of New York; Bram teases Simon as they climb the stairs to their apartment; Simon looks at Bram as if he's the center of his universe. Just watching them gives me hope./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'm taken aback when we walk into their apartment and there are three people huddled together on a couch by a window. I'm a little nervous that we walked into the wrong apartment, but Bram used his key to get in so that wouldn't make sense./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Who are these people?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""These are our roommates," Simon explains. "We couldn't afford an apartment in Brooklyn on our own."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm Justin, with a soft J like Jon." This kid with short blonde hair and the brightest sweater I've ever seen shakes my hand./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm Ivy."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""And I'm Kim. And before you ask, my pronouns are they, them, theirs."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Nice to meet… they," I say uncertainly. I've read that pronouns are a thing, but I've never known anyone that used different pronouns. Everyone laughs, so I guess I haven't said the completely wrong thing./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""So, what's your deal?" Ivy asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""My deal?" I echo./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah," she says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I look at Simon and my terror must be obvious because he comes to my rescue. "I told you. Victor's from our hometown. He's visiting us."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I let out a sigh of relief. It should be so easy to tell them 'my deal'. They don't know me and the chances of me seeing them again are slim, but I can't do it./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You can put your stuff in our room," Simon says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I follow him through the beads to a small bedroom. I see a picture of Bram kissing Simon's cheek on top of their dresser and soak in the rest of the room. There's fabric in one corner, blueish-green curtains that are currently open and reveal white, sheer curtains underneath. There's a mismatch of pictures on the wall. Bram closes the door behind him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You okay? You look a little overwhelmed," Simon says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah. I know I said I wanted to come here to experience what it would be like to be out, but it's all so…"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Gay?" Bram guesses. I nod. "When we first moved here for school, we felt that way. It took us a while to unlearn what was normal in Georgia and to learn that… there's no one way to be gay. We found our new normal here."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Simon nods. "You don't really get to see that in Atlanta," he agrees./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Well, I hope to see some of that while I'm here."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"My first two days in the city are a whirlwind of experiences. It's almost like a culture shock. Aside from the people, the sheer quantity of specialty stores and eateries is overwhelming. Did you know there's this bakery that will deliver warm cookies to you, no matter the time of day? And there's an entire store dedicated to mms./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Bram's in class almost all day on Wednesday, but Simon and I go into Manhattan. We do all the touristy things I never knew I wanted to do./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"On Thursday, while we're eating breakfast, an alarm goes off on Bram's phone. "Do you have to get to class?" I ask uncertainly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No," Bram says. "I don't have class on Thursdays."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah, he piled all of his classes into two days. Pro – he has five days off. Con – he's impossible to find on Mondays and Wednesdays," Simon explains. "He's going to play some basketball. I was going to go watch, but I can hang back here if you don't want to go."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No, I'd love to come." I mean it and not just because I'm terrified to be alone with their roommates. I'm sure they're great people, but their comfort with themselves is intimidating./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Simon puts on his jacket. "No. I can't in good conscience let you wear that," Bram says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It's a good jacket," Simon points out./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""How is someone who has such terrible taste a fashion major?" Bram asks. I look at Simon. I never would have taken him as a fashion major./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""The goal is to do wardrobe for movies," Simon explains to me. He turns back to Bram. "I have great taste."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Bram rolls his eyes. "One day your jacket is just going to disappear. Probably in flames."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Simon shrugs. "We'll see. Ready?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"The place where Bram plays basketball is only a five-minute walk from the apartment. The people he plays with are huge./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I don't play at first. I sit on the bench with Simon but realize that he's not a particularly good conversationalist when his attention is divided. I don't blame him. I think if I had a boyfriend that was playing, I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off of him either. It's actually kind of funny to watch./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"When Bram takes a quick break for water, he walks over to us. "You wanna join us?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Really?" I ask hopefully./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah. I could use someone on my side that knows what he's doing. Soccer is really my sport. I'm crap at basketball."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Well, I wasn't going to say anything," I tease./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Ooh," Bram says as he hits me with his towel. "You think you're tough stuff. Come on."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I join him, and it's honestly so much fun. We get our butts kicked, but it feels good to run around the court. I even make a basket – something that Bram is repeatedly teased for never having accomplished./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"For a little while, it's like nothing else exists. I can forget about the craziness waiting for me in Atlanta. I can just breathe and play some basketball. Or lose my breath, if I'm being honest. These guys are so good./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"When we finish, we rejoin Simon. "So, what did you think?" Bram asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""That was embarrassing. At Creekwood, I'm considered good," I tell him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Oh, I know. They're crazy good. Jason," he points at one of the players. "Was in the NBA. He was the first openly gay player."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""He's gay?" I ask surprised./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""They all are. I play in a gay league," Bram tells me. I look back at the group of men that I just spent the last hour playing basketball with. I never would have guessed. "There's no one way to be gay. You can be femme, butch, athletic." He looks at Simon. "Painfully unathletic."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hey," Simon says indignantly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Bram laughs. "You know I love you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Simon grins. "Not as much as I love you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Just as they kiss, Darius walks toward us. I feel like a bit of a peeping tom watching them, but it's all so new to me. They don't look nervous at all to be kissing in public in broad daylight. "Nauseating, isn't it? They're always like this."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""But it's okay because they're in loooooooooooove," Jeff teases. He hits Bram with his towel. Bram and Simon break apart, and Bram flips him off. "Have you heard their story? It was a perfect storybook romance."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Speaking of love," Bram says. "I hear there are wedding bells on the horizon. Danny is finally getting you to settle down?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Jeff grins. "Yeah. And if you keep that up, you're not invited. Simon can bring the newbie."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm suddenly feeling so replaced." Bram puts his hand over his heart and pretends to be offended./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"We linger a little longer before we head back to their apartment. "You know, Simon and I almost didn't happen," Bram says quietly while we're walking./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What?" I ask surprised. I've stalked Simon's Instagram. I can't imagine what it would look like without Bram./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I know Jeff called our relationship perfect, but you need to know that it didn't start out that way. It was messy and rocky. I used to be so scared of who I was. When we started talking, I wouldn't tell him who I was. We went by nicknames. And then he got outed, and I was terrified. All of a sudden, our emails had been posted to creeksecrets by this asshole. There were people emailing me. Some were telling me to go to hell; some said they supported me; some told me I shouldn't hide my identity. So, I deactivated my email." Simon's grip on Bram tightens noticeably. "I turned my back on Simon when he needed me the most."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Why are you telling me this?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Because I know what it's like to be afraid. And I know it's only when I stopped being scared of who I was that I got my great love story. Victor, this is your third day in the city, and we haven't heard you talk about how you're gay or any of the stuff you're going through. I know how hard it is at the beginning. If you're going to take away anything from your time with us, make it that. You have… an undetermined amount of time with us, and you don't have to be afraid. We would love to accept you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Simon adds, "and we have an apartment that is literally filled…"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Figuratively," Bram corrects./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Simon jokingly glares at him. "Literally filled with super gay roommates that would love nothing more than to be there for you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I know, but they don't know me, and I don't know them. It was hard enough to open up to you, Simon, but to tell a group of strangers?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Bram looks at Simon, who shuffles uncomfortably. "I have to tell you something," Simon says. "They do know you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What do you mean?" I ask. I stop walking and earn myself a really nasty look from this guy that almost walks into me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Let's get some coffee," Bram says. "We'll tell you everything."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"We end up at this tiny coffee shop that Simon calls one of the hidden treasures of the city. He's not wrong. It's really comfy inside./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Once we're sitting down, sipping at our coffees, Simon begins to explain, "what you need to know is when you reached out to me, I was flattered… and scared. I didn't want to say the wrong thing or give you bad advice. Like you said, we're not the same. Bram had girlfriends before we got together. One of our roommates had really religious parents. And another one of our roommates was able to explain exactly what an Impossible Burger was." Simon frowns and looks at the table. "When I needed advice, I would ask them."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You've just been sitting around, laughing about my messed-up life?" I ask. I can't believe this. "I trusted you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""We weren't laughing," Simon says. "We were all rooting for you. Each one of them had something that they could contribute to help you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""But why? They didn't even know me. Why would they want to help a complete stranger?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""We were all complete strangers to each other at some point," Simon points out. "The thing that brought us all together was that we knew that we could understand each other in a different way than someone that isn't gay. Even if I don't have religious parents and even if Bram was my first kiss, we are united in the sense that we know what it's like to be afraid of ourselves. We're a family and you've become a part of that family as well."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""So, they know everything. They know I'm into guys, and about Mia, and about Benji," I say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah. I didn't tell them what happened on Saturday. Well, I told Bram." That doesn't surprise me. They tell each other everything. Literally. Everything. "Once you agreed to come, I figured you could share that when you were comfortable."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""They may not have had the chance to get to know you in person, but we all love you, Victor," Bram says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I take a sip from my coffee and close my eyes. It's a lot to wrap my head around, but it's impossible to doubt that Simon had the best of intentions. And it's almost a relief to know that they already know./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"When we walk back to their apartment, I feel the pressure hit me. I haven't actually said the words out loud yet and if I'm going to take Bram's advice and be brave, I know it's time to say them. I need to choose to be brave./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Benji -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I used to know Nora pretty well. She's a little younger than me, but we used to do some rec programs together and we got along pretty well. As we got older, we just kind of grew apart. She got really involved with her cooking, and I started drinking to avoid my reality./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Benji," she says surprised./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""This is Pilar and Felix," I tell her./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I recognize you. You moved here a few months ago, right?" Nora asks as she looks at Pilar. Pilar nods. She doesn't recognize Nora, but Nora doesn't look offended./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""How are you doing?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She shrugs. "Can't really complain." I sit there uncomfortably for a minute. "Did you need something?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Actually, yes. Did you hear about Victor Salazar?" Nora purses her lips and nods. "Did you know that he's been talking to your brother?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No, but it doesn't surprise me," she says. "They were both outed in their own ways. I'm sure he felt that Simon could understand him."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Probably," I agree. "I know we haven't talked in a while, but I really need a favor. Victor is staying with Simon, and I really need to go see him. Can you give me Simon's address?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You know Simon lives in New York, right?" she confirms./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah. And that's where Victor is."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Why don't you ask him for Simon's address?" she questions./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I sigh. I should have known this wouldn't be that easy. "He's not answering my phone calls. I think he thinks I'm mad at him for kissing me. I don't know, but I do know I need to talk to him." Nora looks torn. "Please. Your brother got his great love story. Help me get mine."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You love Victor," she says. Her face lights up like Christmas came early, and Pilar's grip on my shoulder tightens./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I wish I could give you an answer, but I really don't know. I'd love the chance to find out, though," I tell her./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Felix here," Felix says as he crouches down next to Nora. "I'm Victor's best friend and I can confirm that he really likes Benji. He just thinks that he's ruined everything, so he's avoiding him."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Okay, I'll tell you. But I'm going to give Simon a heads up," she warns me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Of course. Let him know."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She pulls out her phone and sends a text, probably to Simon. She fumbles through her bag to find a piece of paper and a pen. When she finishes writing down his address, I thank her profusely./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I can't believe this is happening. You're actually going to go to New York?" Felix asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Do you think it's too much?" I ask nervously./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yes, of course. But you should do it. Victor's going to love it," he assures me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I really hope so. I'm really distracted at work that night. I tell my new boss that it's because I have a family thing going on and that I need the weekend off. She's not happy about it, but she doesn't put up a fight about it, which is nice. Sara would have. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"All I can think about is Victor./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I try to plan what I am going to say when I see him, but everything either sounds too cheesy or too unemotional. I don't know if I should tell him that I like him or if that's going to be a conversation for another day./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'm let out of work early. It's a slow night and it makes sense for me to be the one that leaves because I'm messing up every order. I go straight to the bus stop from work. It's expensive, but I remind myself that it will be worth it because I'll be in New York soon./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"A 22-hour bus ride is no joke. I've never been able to sleep in moving vehicles, and this is no exception. Despite my exhaustion, I can't fall asleep. Most of the people around me soundly sleep through the night. I hate them./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"It's late when I get off the bus. We hit some traffic, so what was supposed to be a 22-hour trip lasted a little over 24. I'm hoping that they're home and not out for dinner or something./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I stop at a coffee shop with such good coffee, it makes Brasstown look like it sells flavored water. The more time I spend in New York, the more alive I feel./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"As I make my way to Simon's building, I resign myself to the fact that I cannot control Victor's reaction. I can only make sure that I'm honest with him. I hope that's enough./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Victor -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Ivy gets back from her class at the same time that we get back, so everyone's home. Kim is taking a class this semester that has something to do with makeup in film, so they're currently giving Justin a very realistic black eye./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""How was basketball?" They ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It was really great," Bram says. "Victor played. They all loved him, of course."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Of course," Justin agrees./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Of course?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Girl, have you looked in a mirror lately?" Justin asks. The first couple of times he called me girl, I felt really uncomfortable. I guess after three days, you can really get used to things like that. "You're adorable."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Oh, I don't know," I say slowly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Case in point," Justin says as he motions toward me with his hand. "Do I look rugged and handsome with my black eye?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Stop moving so I can take my picture." Kim snaps a picture and then hands him a wipe to take off the makeup. "Thank you. I just have to turn you into a zombie. I'll do your makeup for real tomorrow before we go to Messy Boots." They've been talking about Messy Boots all week. I'd avoided committing to going up to this point. I feel like it will be a lot for me, but I'm gonna give it a shot./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yes please. I've been eying your blue eyeshadow for a while," Justin says excitedly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Victor, honey. If you're still here tomorrow, you have to let me do yours. A little eyeliner and you'll look fierce," Kim says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"My instinct is to decline immediately, but I manage to swallow that. This week is about trying new things. At least if I hate it, I'll know. I manage an uncomfortable nod./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I think Kim expected me to say no, so they turn slowly to look at me with a huge smile on their face. "Great."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I watch, slightly mesmerized as they work on Justin. "Why do so many gay people wear makeup and dress in drag?" I ask curiously. "Is it, like, fun to be a character? Be someone that you're not?" Five pairs of eyes find me, and I instantly feel like I said something wrong. "You know what? Sorry. Never mind."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No, it's okay. It's better to ask than to make the wrong assumption and accept it as truth," Kim tells me. I'm not sure they believe that though because their mouth is in a tight line, and they look disgruntled./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Justin stands up and pulls out his phone. He's a strange sight in the early stages of being zombified. "This was me three years ago." I look at the photo and look back at him and look back at the photo. In the picture, he's dressed like he's going on an interview and is wearing an uncomfortable smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. It's hard to reconcile the picture with the happy, goofy kid I've gotten to know over the last few days. "I would put on this gorgeous ensemble and try to convince my neighbors to join a religion that I knew wanted nothing to do with me. These were dark days. This person you see in the picture? That was me being in character. That was drag. When I wear makeup now? It's so I can be… me." He looks back down at the picture./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I get it," I tell him. "My parents are really religious too. Not like yours, but… I think it's part of the reason…" my words get caught in my throat and I need to take several deep breaths to calm myself down. "It's part of the reason that when they found out I…" why is this so hard? Justin opened up about a really difficult part of his life. I look behind me at Simon and Bram. Simon smiles at me in encouragement. "It's part of the reason they couldn't accept me when they found out I'm gay." I expect to feel anxious like I'm going to explode, but I feel remarkably calm. "I kissed this kid who had a boyfriend and his boyfriend confronted me while I was at work. My family heard him and when I talked to my dad, he told me to try harder to stop being gay. They're still ignoring me."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Justin puts his hand on my shoulder. "My parents disowned me when they found out. At first, I didn't think I could move past it. And part of me will always feel sad for the family I lost, but the family I've made has the most accepting and loving people in the world. They got me through my dark times. They'll get you through yours as well."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He hugs me and I feel myself clinging to him like a lifeline. I begin to cry when Bram and Simon join the hug. Then Ivy and Kim join us./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I don't know how long we stand like that, but I wish I could bottle this moment and live in it forever because my life feels perfectly imperfect right now./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"We end up staying up almost all night drinking hot chocolate, eating magically warm cookies that are delivered right to their door, and talking. I tell them more about me and they open up to me as well. I've never been someone that cries a lot, but my tear ducts are tested over and over again. When everyone goes to sleep, I feel mentally and physically exhausted./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"When I wake up on Friday, I try calling my parents again. No answer. I start to leave them the same voicemail I've left them every day, but I stop after I get out, "I'm safe." There's something else I want to say today. "I'm not ashamed to be gay, and I'm not ashamed of myself. I'm sorry if you are."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Kim has class at 8:00 on a Friday, which they say was the worst decision of their existence as they stumble around the apartment like a zombie in an attempt to wake up. They have to leave a little after 7 because they need to get on a bus to get to class./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Bram wakes up a couple of hours after Kim leaves. "Do you like pancakes? What am I saying? Everyone likes pancakes," he says. He makes himself a cup of coffee and starts preparing the batter./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Do you need help?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm okay. The only way to get Simon out of bed on the weekend is to bribe him with breakfast, so I'm used to this as a solo activity," Bram explains./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""But it's Friday morning. Not exactly the weekend," I point out./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""He doesn't have class on Friday, so it's the weekend for him. Trust me, it's a whole thing." Bram has this little, affectionate smile on his face./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Can I ask you a question?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Of course," Bram says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""How did you know that Simon was the one?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Bram looks deep in thought while he measures out the pancake batter and pours it onto the pan. "How much of our story do you know?" Bram asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Everything you told me yesterday. And that he made a huge declaration of love on creeksecrets, you showed up at the Ferris wheel, and you shared your first kiss with him while the whole school cheered for you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He nods. "Simon rode that Ferris wheel all night. I was there, but I couldn't bring myself to join him. Then, when he was told it would be his last ride, I saw his face." Bram gets this far-off look in his eyes. "That was the moment I knew he was my person; I didn't want to let him down, and I knew I could be as strong as I needed to be for him. That was the moment I realized that he was more important than my fear and that he made me brave."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""And we'll live happily ever after," Simon adds. "Do I smell pancakes?" He kisses Bram and steals a sip of his coffee. "Morning."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Do you want to wake Ivy and Justin?" Bram asks. "These will be ready soon. Kim should be back any minute."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'll wake Ivy, but I'm not going near Justin. I enjoy living," Simon points out./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I can go wake him up," I offer./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Look at that. A gentleman." Bram pointedly looks at Simon./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No. I can't let you do that. You're too young. Too full of life," Simon says dramatically./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Keep that up, Spier. See how it works out for you." Justin is walking around with his eyes mostly closed. Bram passes him a mug filled with coffee. "You're my hero."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Watch it," Simon teases./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"It's so nice to sit around and have a meal with these people. It's just like having breakfast with my family… pre-Texas move. I wish I didn't have to go back to Atlanta. For a brief moment, it feels possible. I can see it. I can see myself waking up to these people every day and living in this magical world of acceptance, but it's a short-lived moment. It's not possible for me. Maybe, after I graduate from high school, I can move here and make my own little family, just like Simon and Bram did./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Kim starts to do our make-up around 6. They start with me because they say I'll be the easiest to get done. They use this silver eyeliner that causes Justin to fake catcall me. I'm surprised when I don't hate it./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You're gonna be breaking hearts tonight," Ivy tells me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I grin. I doubt it, but I'll take the compliment. Kim spends over an hour on Ivy and then gets started on Justin. Messy Boots must be a really fun place because Simon is tapping his foot eagerly while he waits for us and checks his phone what feels like every ten seconds./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"When they are working on Justin, there's a knock at the door. Simon jumps to his feet and opens the door. "Victor, I think there's somebody here to see you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I slowly stand up when I see Benji in the doorway. "Hi, Victor," he says quietly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Benji -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Victor is staring at me shocked. "Benji, what are you doing here?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"This is a bad idea. I shouldn't have done this. I know I can't just turn around and leave. That would be weird. But is it weirder than this silence?/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hello?" he says. He waves his hands in front of my face, effectively pulling me from my thoughts./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I came to see you," I tell him. Simon waves me inside. I recognize him from pictures; I feel like I'm meeting a legend. It surprises me that he looks so ordinary. I guess part of me was expecting some gay god./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Simon doesn't look surprised to see me, so I know he got Nora's message. He shuts the door behind me. In the back of my head, I register that there are a lot of people here./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Why would you come to see me?" Victor asks. He is unphased by the number of people crammed into the living room. Something looks different about him. I can't quite put my finger on it. At first, I think it's the eyeliner, but it's something else. Something much deeper./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I wanted to talk to you. I'm really sorry about Derek. What he did was really shitty," I tell him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He shrugs. "It's fine."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No, it's not. We broke up," I say slowly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Benji, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to come between you two," he says. He looks genuinely upset./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You don't understand. I broke up with him." I really hope it's not my imagination that there's a spark of hope in Victor's expression./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Why? You guys were great together," he tells me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No, we weren't. We haven't been for a long time. What he did last weekend made me realize how bad he makes me feel about myself, and how much I'm afraid to share with him. I want to be with someone that makes me happy and that encourages me to be myself," I explain. "I want to be with someone that I can talk to about anything without feeling judged."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Oh cool," he says with a nod. I feel my heart sinking./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You're going to have to be more specific, girl," this kid sitting in a spinning chair tells me. "He's very oblivious."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah. We went for coffee yesterday, and this cute barista was totally hitting on him," Simon tells me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Cute?" another kid asks indignantly. I'm guessing that's Simon's boyfriend. I wonder if he's the same kid from the post. I have trouble believing that; it seems too perfect to work out like that, but Pilar's words come back to me. Maybe they went for it, so they're getting their rom-com ending. I don't know. Part of me wants to be skeptical but at my core, I am a hopeless romantic./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Victor looks around at everyone. "What did I just miss?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I have to bite my lip to keep my laughter from escaping. "I'm talking about you, Victor. You make me happy; you make me feel like I can just be myself."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Why me?" he asks. He looks shocked but not upset, so I take that as a win./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Maybe it's because you're so easy to talk to or because I told you about the worst moment of my life, and you made me feel like it was going to be okay. Maybe it's because you laughed with me instead of at me when I made some terrible foam art or because /spanspan style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Baby Shark/spanspan style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" is your most-listened-to song. Or because when me and Derek broke up, you made me realize I deserved better."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I am really sorry that you guys broke up," he says again./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm not." When I bring my hand up hesitantly to the side of his cheek, he tilts his head slightly and I go in for the kiss./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"It's so different from our first kiss. Our first kiss was immediately marred by the fact that I was dating Derek. Now? It's guilt-free, and it feels great. I didn't know that kissing Victor could feel this good… I didn't know kissing anyone could feel this good. Now, it kind of wraps around me. I almost feel trapped in this entirely different world from the one I've been living in… no, not trapped. That's the wrong word, but I'm not coherent enough to come up with a better one. I'm too distracted./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"When we break apart, I'm aware of the cheering happening around us. "Wow," Victor says. "That was surprising."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Wow," I agree. "Wait. Good surprising or bad surprising?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Good surprising. Definitely good surprising." Victor closes his eyes and I figure out what the difference is. Victor used to carry all of his fear and his secrecy in his face. I've never seen him with his guard down. It's obviously down now. He looks so at peace. Someone coughs./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Are you going to introduce us?" I'm grateful that guy points it out because I need to learn their names./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Oh. Everyone this is Benji… Benji, that's Simon. Bram. Ivy. Justin. Kim." He points at everyone around the room but once he says their names, they're lost on me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hey," I say. "Good to meet you all."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I feel this intense scrutiny as they all stare at me. I don't know what they're looking for, but it makes me uncomfortable. Thank God for Victor. "I can't believe you came all the way to New York for me."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah, well. You didn't answer my phone call, and Pilar was worried," I tell him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I see the slightest change to his expression. "Why would she care?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Because she's your sister, and she loves you," I suggest./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You didn't see her that day in Brasstown." He shakes his head. "She wants nothing to do with me."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You're right that I didn't see her that day, but I have seen her at school every day this week," I argue. "She misses you and wants to know you're safe."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He looks like he can't believe his ears. "So, you came here for Pilar?" he asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No. I came here for you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"The smile that spreads across his face has my heart beating erratically. I don't know how I went this long without realizing that I have feelings for him. The moment I think it, I know that I didn't. I knew I liked him even before he kissed me; I just excelled at repressing that. It's kind of like I've finally set myself free now. I am letting myself feel everything I've ever felt for Victor. "Okay, new kid." It takes me a minute to realize the girl standing in the archway by the kitchen is talking to me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Benji," I say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Right, new kid." This girl is really short, but I'm getting the vibe from her that she should never be messed with. "Tell us, why should Victor forgive you?" The question surprises me because I don't think I did anything wrong./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Victor's expression goes from blissfully loopy to mortified in less than a second. "Ivy," he says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No. You made a mistake. Who hasn't been there while questioning?" Ivy turns back to me. "You know what it's like to be scared of yourself. Victor wouldn't tell us everything, but he told us you had a rough time before coming out. You could have shown him some compassion. You could have told him that everyone does stupid things when they're figuring out who they like. Instead, you cast him aside, so when he was outed, he felt like he had no one."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You're right. I feel this connection with him," I explain. "And if I'm being honest, I have since we met that day in the hallway, and he was wearing these awesome vintage Nike Cortezes and we talked about destiny." Victor smiles softly and looks down at his feet. "Then he interviewed at the coffee shop I worked at and spilled the latte milk all over me, and I found it endearing. That's part of the reason I got so upset when he kissed me." It starts to feel weird that I'm talking about him instead of to him, so I focus on him. "I had a boyfriend and things weren't perfect, but I didn't think they could be better. Then you kissed me, and I felt something that I never felt with Derek, and it was terrifying. I liked you, but liking was complicated and messy. I didn't want that complication, so I avoided having to deal with it. I'm sorry, but I'm here now."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You have nothing to be sorry for," he tells me. "Seriously. If you hadn't, I may never have found my way here." He looks at Ivy. "I may never have seen this whole life that's waiting for me outside of high school, and I may never have met some of the greatest people that this world has to offer. I kissed you because I needed to know who I was. Turns out, I found that here."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Oh, Victor." The guy in the chair, whose name is evading me right now, dabs at his eyes. "Ivy, cut him a break. As far as apologies go, I think traveling 2000 miles is a pretty good start."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It's actually like 850 miles," I correct. He raises his eyebrows at me. "You're right, not the point."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Yeah. You must really love our Victor."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I feel myself blushing, and I'm really hoping that Victor will remain oblivious to it. I am not ready to call this love, and I'm certainly not ready to call it love in front of an apartment full of people I don't know./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'm saved by Simon's boyfriend. I really hope they mention names again. "Okay, okay. Leave him alone. We're all going to Messy Boots tonight. You in?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""What's Messy Boots?" I ask./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It's this amazing gay club," Simon explains. "On Fridays and Saturdays, they do this drag show where they pull people from the audience onto the stage."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Oh… I'm not 21," I say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You don't need to be. They let everyone in," Simon assures me. He doesn't clarify if they're supposed to let everyone in or if they're just very lax with checking to see if people are of age./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Victor looks at me with his puppy dog eyes. Seriously, how is it possible that this kid isn't handed everything that life has to offer? "Please."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""I'm in," I say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"- Victor -/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'm instantly overwhelmed when we walk in. They lead me to the bar that is staffed by a bunch of really fit guys in overalls. "Oh, I feel like it's our baby's first gay club," Bram says excitedly./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I laugh. He and Simon have, weirdly, become something like parental figures in my life, so he's not that far off./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Everyone here is gay?" I ask. I know my eyes are wide as I look around. Benji is speechless. It's a good look on him./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Oh yeah," Justin says. I snort to try to cover my laugh because the way he says it sounds like the Kool-Aid man, and it is so unexpected. "Just a ginger ale for my two friends here. They're drunk enough on boys right now."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Like you're one to talk," Bram scoffs./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"We get our drinks in these little blue cups and sit at the bar for a few minutes. Eventually, Bram lures Simon out to the dance floor. Then Ivy, Kim, and Justin find them and they're jumping all over the dance floor./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I don't know if I should ask Benji if he wants to dance or if I should wait for him to ask me. Instead of figuring it out, I sit there sipping my ginger ale./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"This guy sits next to me. "Yo, I'm Mike." He gives me a head nod./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Hey. Nice to meet you," I say./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Benji puts his arm over my shoulder. "Yeah. Really nice to meet you."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Mike leaves the bar with a slightly frustrated look on his face, and I look at Benji curiously. "What was that?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You realize he was about to hit on you, right?" Benji asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""He was?" I did not pick up on that at all./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Benji smiles and holds out his hand. I only hesitate a minute before I take it. I expect everyone to stare, but no one does. This is normal here. I think I could get used to this. "Come on. Let's go dance," he says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I follow him onto the dance floor. Bram and Justin let out a long "whoo" when they see us. I can't even explain the feeling that comes over me while we're dancing. It's like my world is moving in slow motion, yet time is inexplicably flying by./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Dancing with Benji is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Between our jokes about rump-shaking that have Ivy and Kim looking at us like we're crazy (Justin jumps right on board with it) or this fun competitive edge that takes over us as we dance, I feel myself getting lost in this moment. Part of me wishes that I could be braver. We look like we could just be friends and I want to get closer to him, maybe dance a little like Simon and Bram are dancing. The idea makes me feel self-conscious, and I don't know why. This is a night of freedom. Why am I holding myself back?/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"When it's almost midnight, the music slows a little and everyone in the club seems to gather around the stage. Katya, the host of the evening, comes out and looks around the club. Katya is one of their favorite hosts – she does it a few times a month. Bram had warned me that her job was to make fun of the audience, so I'm not surprised when the first words out of her mouth are, "Welcome to Messy Boots! I just have to say – this is the sorriest-looking crowd I have ever seen. Except for you. I haven't seen you around here before." I don't realize she's pointing at me until Benji nudges me. "Get your cute butt up here."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I look around, hoping that someone else will walk toward the stage. No luck./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I nervously climb the steps to the stage and stand next to her. "What's your name, sweetie?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Victor?" I say it like it's a question, but it's just because there are, like, a hundred people staring at me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Where are you from, Victor?" she asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Atlanta," I answer./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Ooh, a Georgia peach," she says in what is her take on a southern accent. There is scattered laughter and cheering. "What brings you to New York, honey?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I look at Simon, Bram, Justin, Ivy, and Kim. They all look so proud of me. I feel so warm and full of love. "I'm here visiting family." I can see Justin tearing up, and I clear my throat because I'm not crying on stage in front of all these people./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""And how has that been going for you?" she asks./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""It's been great. I really found myself this week." I look at Benji who is looking at me like I'm precious. Benji, who jumped on a bus and made the 22-hour trip so he could talk to me. Benji, who apologized even though he had nothing to apologize for. Benji, who always knows how to make me laugh and has always been there for me. "I learned how to be brave this week. It's been the best week of my life," I answer honestly. "There's something I have to do."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"The cheers and clapping still follow me long after I've rejoined my friends. It's so strange to think that less than a week ago, I didn't know most of them, and I'd felt so alone. They hug me and tell me I'm their family too, but I'm looking for Benji. Bram seems to understand. "Let him go," he whispers to Ivy./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I walk over to Benji. "You were great up there," he says./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Thanks," I say before I lean in and kiss him. I feel a little self-conscious at first, but with Benji, there's little room to feel anything except the kiss. I think about what Bram said, about how Simon made him feel brave. That's how I feel with Benji. There's thunderous applause around us, and I feel like I may combust from all the things I'm feeling. Relief and love and joy and acceptance and like Benji's kiss is the air that fills my lungs./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'd thought I'd experienced the perfect moment when I came out to Simon's roommates, but I'd been wrong. This is the perfect moment./span/p