This chapter is just two conversations. A long one with Paul and a short one with Sam at the end. Gabriel's not in the mood for answering prayers in this chapter. He's kind of freaking out a little bit and not really feeling himself.

Can I ask you something?

Gabriel?

Yes.

Are you okay? You left in quite a hurry last message.

Not really. I don't think I'll ever be okay again.

What happened?

I think I had a panic attack

Given you just got out of an extremely traumatic extended period of time, I would think that is normal.

Probably. Not exactly what I wanted to ask you about.

Well, not entirely anyway.

What is it you want to know?

How do you stop them?

Panic attacks? You can find something that grounds you. That can help during them or if lucky stop one before it really takes hold.

You can find out what triggers them in you and figure out what to do from that information.

Once one really starts though, you just have to ride through it. Like I said, grounding helps.

What are grounding things?

A friend talking to you, some like to be hugged, or their hand held, some need to be taken to a quiet dark place to ride through it in private, some have small rituals to try and calm down before it really takes off which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. It's different for everyone.

Aww, crap. I kind of blew through my reserves of Grace during that one. I am not going to be any good for anything if that happens every time.

Reserves?

Yeah. I was kind of...

It was taken from me forcefully while I was in Asmodick's oh so ungentle hands.

Asmodick?

Asmodeus. Prince of Hell, the least of four. Total dickbag. I kind of miss Crowley. Say what you want about Hell, at least when he was at his best, he was a good king. He disappeared and never came back. Last I heard he sacrificed his life to save the world.

The king of hell with a noble sacrifice for people?

Like I said, he was a good King. Don't mistake that for a good person, he wasn't.

This is very...enlightening.

Hah, yeah. You know you're screwed when demons do the noble sacrifice while the angels are the ones trying to destroy everything. Well, alt versions anyway.

Things are really quiet lately. I'm kind of worried and don't have the juice to go up and check on Heaven.

I'm not even sure if I would be welcome.

Don't force yourself until you're ready. You will just hurt yourself.

Yeah, got that.

Okay.

Well thanks for the not very helpful advice. Guess I'll just have to find ways to control what I do during panic attacks if they continue to affect me.

You're welcome.

Have you been having any other negative effects?

Well, so low on juice I need to sleep, so nightmares I have become well acquainted with. Can't wait until I am up on power. No more sleep.

Sometimes I forget I am out and end up finding the smallest space in a room possible, bury myself in it and forget how to speak until it passes.

Forget how to speak?

Yeah, my mouth was sewn shut. During those periods, I keep feeling like the stitches are still in and I can't open my mouth.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how much that would hurt.

A lot.

Aaand it's getting hard to see the screen right now. Damn stupid human emotions. How do you deal with this every day of your short lives?

We're born with them.

Yeah, well, angels have emotions too, just...not like this. We don't have physical bodies. We can't do things the human way.

How are you speaking to me without fingers?

I found my vessel and have been living in it since.

Vessel?

A human strong enough to hold an angel. Very rare to find ones strong enough to hold an arch.

Possession?

Permission is asked for and given. Angels need consent. Demons are the ones that just take over.

There are charms and seals to keep demons out though.

Best way to go is tattooing it somewhere on your body.

Is it possible that Pastor Robert is possessed by a demon?

That the name of the one that's hurt the kids?

Yes.

Dunno. Has he acted different since you found out?

No.

Then not likely. A demon would flaunt taking over a man of the cloth. It wouldn't hide. And you'd likely be dead.

Oh...

Yeah, sorry. He's just a bad human masquerading as a good one. It happens.

I asked our Senior Pastor Henry if I can work with the children now that Robert is working on taking over sermon and day to day jobs around the church.

I also do time on confession and counselling.

Is that how you found out? Through confession or counselling.

Yes. I can't talk of that further though.

Yeah I know. Confidential.

That's why the cops didn't do anything isn't it? You couldn't give them the proper info and thought it a joke or something.

Yes.

You know, in counselling if it hurts the children or if the children start harming themselves, it's alright to tell.

I know.

It was confession then. You do know I am one of God's angels, right?

I am beginning to actually believe that.

Can I see what you look like? Or your vessel as the case is.

Okay, wait a sec.

...

Gabe

There I am. Horrible picture I just took, but I am not much in the mood to smile and I keep on going through sudden crying fits. So ignore the blotchy eyes.

If you had looked happy, I would be upset you were lying to me.

Hah, yeah. Well, that's me.

Thank you.

No probs.

I need to go now. It's lunchtime and I am being called away.

Yeah, that's fine. Go eat.

Bye Gabriel.

Yeah, talk later Paul.

Hey, do you have panic attacks?

Wow, just come right out and say that.

Do you?

Well, given all I've been through? Yeah, Gabe, I do.

Oh, good.

...Good?!

Oh, not good you have them. I mean good that it makes me feel less alone.

You started having panic attacks?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

So am I.