Pella ran like a free spirit through the forest.
It was revitalising; refreshing the soul.
Tauriel had much to consider.
It had now been eight years since Azog had killed Kili in the battle to take Erebor; eight years had passed and it still felt as though it was only yesterday.
The pain was fresh and continued to sting.
All there was to show for the passage of time was the strength in Pellas muscle and the height to which he had grown. He was now many summers old and a magnificent stag; Tauriel was very proud of him. She even thought he could rival Thranduils steed, once he was of age.
There was nothing like the freedom she felt when riding with him… it was as close to feeling at one with the earth as there was.
But as hard as they both tried; they were, neither of them, entirely whole.
She did not know his reasons.
But she knew hers.
So, to find peace, she found herself at the tallest tower again, staring out to the stars and thoroughly unsurprised her King was at her side; it had been his place for many moons now…
"Legolas took me to that place," Tauriel admitted one unimportant nigh. "He said there was no grave and no memory…" she hadn't turned to him… but still needed to know, "Why is there no recollection of the Queen? No tales or record? Or even a portrait?"
"That was of my doing," the King explained, taking a moment to steady himself on the balcony railing.
The revelation was unsurprising, but still stung a little across her lungs as if she were breathing the flames of Smaug himself. And she had to know, "Did you not want to remember her?"
"Remember her?" Thranduil laughed a little at the notion, "I didn't want to imagine she had ever existed! Even looking at…" the king faltered, turning his eyes to heaven in search of forgiveness, "… even looking at our son brought pain…"
The man was distraught; it took all the strength she had not to rush to his side…
"He looks like her, you know…" Thranduil admitted quietly, "I see her in his eyes… how he moves. I can hear her when he speaks… it took so many years before I could face him; our son. I was so weak…"
"You were not weak," she said, moving toward him and reaching for his hand.
The King smiled at the touch, covering her hand with his own in appreciation, "I have many faults; I am aware of them… this weakness is but one."
Tauriel smiled… the moment felt precious, there by his side… and the Captain of the guard momentarily forgot her place by allowing her hand to turn and interlock with his…
What was more, the King seemed to forget his place too, taking a moment to drag his fingers over hers before giving an appreciative flex.
"I was telling you of…" the name chocked in his throat… "She was a warrior," He smiled, tightly, "every bit as stern and passionate as you."
That took Tauriel by surprise…
"Though her hair was of my shade and her skin was pale…" he laughed, closing her eyes.
There was silence for a time before…
"I once told you I would not allow my son to marry a silvern elf," Thranduil recalled, "you may have thought I was being unkind or unjust… possibly cold to the calling of my sons heart."
"My Lord…"
"Thranduil," the King insisted, quietly… "please…"
Tauriel found herself fall into silence…
"When the darkness first came to the forest," he continued, "she was of much the same opinion as you; follow them to their nest and end them. She had the backing of my father and the guardsmen… and I could never have refused her. So we went to battle against the spiders and the forces behind them… those of Mordor and its followers."
The king paused for a while… and in that moment the pain in the air was tangible; it stung! And the knowledge of that loss, the understanding of all that could have been being ripped away… made her hurt.
Tauriel moved toward him… curving into his back in an attempt to comfort by sharing the same breath, the same heat, the same heartbeat…
"Gundabad…" Tauriel prompted…
"There had been so many battles," Thranduil heaved a breath… "So many triumphs with so little casualties… I had thought we could sustain anything… and then Gundabad. The forces of Angmar… we won…"
And for such a happy conclusion as success, Tauriel felt a shudder tremble through the body beneath her…
"We won," he insisted.
"But you lost her…" she whispered.
"And with her all my future," he curled further in on himself, "all hope," a sob ripped through him, "all faith in victory…"
And, to Tauriel, it made sense.
That was the point their king began to run from conflict; the day he began to mourn was the day he turned away from fighting for what was right… for committing his forces.
It made sense.
It was borne from loss.
It was so very basic, that she understood it; she could forgive it.
"All about me was death and suffering," he explained, "and at the core was my on grief. I couldn't lead like that… so I forbade the memory and vowed to never see such death visit my people again."
There were no words for loss that could ease the moment; Tauriel knew this. All she could do was hold him in the starlight and wish the time would pass.
After a while, Thranduil straightened, twisting slightly to place a hand on her arm so she might loosen and allow him to face her.
"Your kindness is appreciated…" he glanced to the floor, "It was so long ago… but it seems like only days passed."
"Will it ever heal?" She asked, surprising herself…
Thranduils startled expression met her questioning gaze, as the king resolved and answered, "Never fully."
How she wished he had lied to her; told her everything would be alright in time and she would soon look on the pain she felt as a distant and forgotten dream.
"That was not the answer you wished to hear?"
She smiled, it seemed her expressions betrayed her, "No."
His strong arms moved about her, folding her into his embrace as he swayed them both in the moonlight, "You will never heal fully, but you will grow to accept the loss as a reminder of the one who once filled that space in your heart. They will help your heart grow stronger and allow you to live and love in their memory and in their name…"
"You believe that?"
He laughed a little, giving her a squeeze, "Now I do."
And, perhaps he was right. Perhaps the strength in her heart was from Kili after all. Perhaps that meant he wanted her heart to go on beating and allow others the chance to find the happiness he had never explored with her in life.
But what others were there? Nobody came close to bridging the gap in her heart.
Then again, before Kili there had been no one to take that place to begin with. Perhaps he had shown her there was more to life than duty. Perhaps that was their fate.
Tariel looked to Thranduil, who had spent the entire time observing her in silence with an odd smile on his face, as though he himself had spent the same time coming to the thoughts that now ran through Tauriels mind…
"My Lord..?" She asked… but no sooner had the words left her lips were they replaced with the warmth of his breath and the tender press of a kiss from her King.
Tauriel took a moment to register the sensation; the firm but gentle circle of his arms urging her up and toward him as he placed a sedate and testing kiss on her…
And while she was shocked, not really knowing what to do, she had to admit that she wasn't surprised or even trying to move away.
He was kissing her.
The obvious thought began to grow steadily louder as her frozen form made no sign of movement toward or away…
Surely she had to do something; they couldn't stay forever like this…
But the more she tried to move, the more baffling her body became as it simply refused!
Eventually, Thranduil pulled away from her to look into her eyes, seeming unaware and unabashed by the incident. He reached out to stroke a strand of hair behind her ear, making her shiver, and he gave a light laugh…
Tauriel grew more and more bewildered… she had no idea now what she should be thinking or feeling… and the notion she should say something seemed strong, but the thoughts of what to say eluded her.
"Are you alright?" The King asked…
Such a simple question… Tauriel felt she should have a simple answer.
Was she alright?
No! But trying to articulate that was the difficulty.
There were a hundred reasons why the King of Mirkwood should not have been kissing her in the starlight; he was the King and she was a low-ranking Silvern elf, what if someone had seen them? How was she supposed to respond? They had just been speaking of loss and shouldn't they give their lost loves some respect by not acting on remorse? What about all the duties they both had to their people and to each other? And what of Legolas, his son?!
But for all of the reasons she found she was questioning his actions, none of them were even close to the idea she did not welcome his kiss.
And so, a little voice whispered to her, if you are rejecting him because you don't want him then that is a fair and honest reason. But if you are rejecting him because of what others might think… haven't you learned that lesson by now?
Hadn't she been afraid of what others would think with Kili? Hadn't she refused to go with him to Erebor out of duty when Legolas commanded her to leave? And what had she gained from those decisions?
The pain of not knowing what might have been was worse than anything they could have faced together.
So now, on the precipice, would she turn back or take the leap in the hopes he would catch her?