TW: Eating disorders depression, throwing up

Hi, I wrote this drunk as a form of free therapy but the keys started to blend together. Enjoy.

Prologue.

He thinks it starts in high school (however years later, when he looks back, he would admit to his therapist that the first incident took place in middle school at his first volleyball tournament because that was truly the first time he felt so light and weightless after throwing up).

He remembers waking up the morning of the practice match with Aoba Johsai with the amount of nausea that could only be likened to the flu. He considers texting Daichi that he was ill but decides to check his temperature beforehand- 36.8 Celsius, he was fine… he was just… anxious? Yeah. Anxious. He had never experienced anxiety before, but he remembered during health class they had a mental health professional come in and they spoke about it.

'Okay,' he thought, 'No need to text Daichi over silly anxiety'.

His stomach rolled again, and he brought he covered his mouth over his hand out of instinct. 'Maybe I'm just hungry, sometimes mom says she feels sick when she hasn't eaten in a while so maybe I just need breakfast'. He made his way downstairs to the breakfast his mom left for him before she headed off for work. He noted that the pancakes were still warm so she must have made them and then left right way. The red head took a deep breathe, grabbed his utensils, and reached for a bite, all the while ignoring his stomach rolling and grumbling in protest as he did so. He chewed and once again brought his hand up to his mouth as his gag reflex decided to, once again, make itself known.

Breakfast took longer than he was expecting so once he finished, he had to rush to throw his warm-ups on and prep his bag with his lunch and jersey for today's game. While he brushed his teeth, he tried his best to avoid looking at himself in the mirror as his paler-than-usual complexion was glaringly obvious. Still feeling like the flu was currently causing havoc on his insides he checked him temperature one more time, but after getting the same 36.8 he put on his helmet, threw his backpack on, and jumped on his bike to head toward Karasuno High, continuing to ignore his intestines that were suddenly deciding to conspire against him.

He sighed as he frantically pedaled his way down the mountain that led to his school because he was late and he was going to cause the team to wait for him and he was once again the reason behind why the team would once again be the reason why nothing significant would come of this year. Deep inhale. Things were fine. People liked him. He had friends. He is in control. But what if…

Hinata arrives with the team waiting for him only 5 minutes late. 'Could've been worse.'

"Dumbass Hinata finally got here," Kageyama smirked. He heard a few of his teammates chuckle while they awaited his response. And he knew this was a part of their ongoing joke. He knew that. It's just with his stomach running a whole marathon against every other organ in his body, he took it personally. 'I am dumb. Kageyama is right.'

"You try biking down an entire mountain at 6:00am every morning Bakayama!"

Everyone boards the bus while he's bst locking up his bike, some still laughing about their brief exchange,

and when he finally makes it on, he spies a spot at the front that's empty but Tanaka calls out, "Hinata! By me!" And because he's forcing himself to keep up with his usual pretenses he runs down the thin ally between the seats until he finds himself sitting next to Tanaka at the back of the bus. All the while with a massive and forced smile stretching across his face.

"You ready for today's practice match?" Tanaka asks.

"Yes! Absolutely! 100%"! He replies. Maybe a tad over-zealously he admis after Tanaka gives him a weird look. Although the weird look could be due to how pale his complexion is after recalling his appearance in the bathroom mirror. Nonetheless, Tanaka laughs and gives him a pat on the back before launching into some speech about how he would never lead his underclassman astray. Hinata keeps his smile blazing from ear-to-ear but tries to discreetly punch his fist into his stomach to try and distract himself from the roller coaster ride happening inside.

It's not a long bus ride to Aoba Johsai but it's long enough for him to ruminate over the thoughts that he had tried his best to push aside throughout the morning. Now that there was nothing to lend itself to act as a distraction, his thoughts were able to take over and cause his nausea to increase tenfold. He quickly puts his headphones on in an attempt to focus on music rather than the rolling waves of his stomach, but that proved to be futile after making eye contact with Kageyma (who furrowed his brows- almost in concern- and cocked his head). Hinata quickly broke the stare-down by closing his eyes and increasing the volume to tenfold. But that only worked for so long before he was thinking of the King of the Court and suddenly he was reminded of what a failure and disappointment he was. "I need to work harder," he thinks, because if he had just slept one less hour, than that hour could have gone towards bettering his skills and techniques and then maybe he wouldn't be such an embarrassment to his team.

And suddenly (with only ten minutes left to go in the trip to Aoba Johsai) he found himself begging Tanaka to open the window before vomiting all over his teammates pants because he can't screw up and the team was depending on his and Kageyama's quick and the win today was all riding on his shoulders which depended on how high he could jump.

Once they parked, he sprinted off the bus apologising to Tanaka who was following him close behind and saying, "It's okay, I'm worried about you."

Hinata ran past his teammates in what he hoped was the direction of the bathroom so he couldn't finish his "upchuck" in the privacy of a stall. He remembers the last time he felt anywhere close to this amount of nerves was when he first entered the gym at he middle school high preliminaries before Kageyama ran his mouth about how much of a failure he was. But even then it wasn't so bad… maybe because there was nothing for him to live up to? He wasn't sure exactly what the difference was.

Luckily his navigation skills were right because he barely made it to the toilets before dry heaving. He quickly realised that his pre-game nerves weren't going to go away anytime soon but if he could just get a grip onto his rolling stomach than maybe his coach and teammates would still allow him to play. Recalling a hushed conversation between his parents after they had thought he had gone to bed about a girl from his middle school who had forced herself to throw-up to manage the stress of exam season, he considers this method, remembering how skinny the girl got, but deciding that any consequence would be worth it just as long as he could play. Hinata shoved two fingers down his throat because he was willing to handle anything just as long as his nausea settled down before the match began.

And just like this he could no longer feel his nausea and roller coaster of as stomach and instead it was staring back at him in the toilet bowl.

It only took until the second set for Hinata to realise just how much higher he is able to fly without breakfast weighting him down.

If this gains any kind of traction, then maybe I'll edit this and post the official chapter 1. But we shall see.