John Ryuunosuke stepped into the office of the Chief Justice of London. It used to belong to Hart Vortex until he was arrested for being obviously evil. Seriously, have you looked at the guy? Why'd they even hire him.
"Good evening," said the chief justice. "Can I help you?"
"No. I need no help. Why? Because I am John Ryuunosuke, the son of the great Ryuunosuke Naruhodou, the son of the great Sherlock Holmes, the son of some random Brit. More to the point, I wish to become a defense attorney just like my father."
The chief justice laughed.
"I admire your spirit, my boy. But before you can become a defense attorney, you must-"
"Pointless. I already know all I need to know," said John Ryuunosuke. "Give me a test trial. Then I can prove myself."
The chief justice thought. Then he spoke. "Very well, it just so happens that there was a curious incident at Dover Port earlier today, the defendant shall be standing trial shortly because the case is just that obvious, if you can save the defendant then clearly you are as great as you say you are."
John Ryuunosuke shook the man's hand and accepted the offer. Then, he went to court.
Crown Court, Defendant's Lobby
John Ryuunosuke stepped into the lobby where his client was waiting for him: a man with a big chin. He wore yellow pants and a brown shirt. He looked like he should be wearing a yellow jacket but he was not doing that.
"Mornin'. I'm in your hands, eh," said Decargo Metermann.
"No. You are not in my hands. You're on the floor. Start speaking the truth or I'll drop this case and let them hang you," said John Ryuunosuke.
"Ah shite, sorry, I am not in your hands, I'm on the floor," Decargo whimpered. "I did not kill the victim though I'll tell ya that!"
"Good enough for me," said John Ryuunosuke. His internal lie detector told him the man was telling the truth this time. And so, he entered the courtroom.
"Ho ho ho, let the trial begin," said the Santa judge.
"The defense was born ready, Your Honor," said John Ryuunosuke, which made sense because he was born about a month ago.
"The prosecution..." said the woman in red with deep blue eyes and black hair with a golden ring on her head. "...is also ready."
"Who were you again...?" asked Santa.
"I am the Chief Prosecutor, Regeria Hope!" she announced.
"Ahhh, sorry for forgetting," said Santa.
Then Regeria took the gold ring off her head and laid it on the prosecution and a golden hologram of the crime scene got projected inside it!
"What the fuck Sherlock Holmes invented that!" said John Ryuunosuke.
"Be quiet," said Regeria Hope. "Decargo Metermann is accused of stabbing John Victim at Dover Port. It was a murder. The knife has no fingerprints on it but we know it was Decargo because the witnesses said so."
Regeria clapped her hands and three people came to the stand.
"I am Kira. I sell flowers but nobody buys them," said Kira the flower seller.
"I'll buy one," said John Ryuunosuke, because he was a gentleman. He took one of Kira's flowers and held it close to his nose.
"Mmm... smells like... nothing?!" said John Ryuunosuke, realizing that the flower was made of plastic. "I want my money back!"
"Ignore him. Next witness, state your name," said Regeria.
"H-Hullo there, I'm B-B-Beppo," said the shivering old man in green.
"Oscar Fairplay," said the man. "I am a man. Don't ask any more, that's all you need to know."
"I'm Decargo Metermann and I am NOT A FECKING MURDERER!" Decargo ran to join them.
"Okay all four witnesses accepted," said the judge. "Testify."
===WITNESS TESTIMONY===
"I was at the port selling flowers to the travellers coming and going when suddenly I heard a man shouting "aw shit I died!"" said Kira.
"I was c-c-cold so I didn't see much," said Beppo. "But I DID see the dead body of John Victim!"
"It was so scary, I dropped my flower basket and screwed my eyes shut for like five minutes," said Kira.
"I had come to travel overseas, but I travelled to the court instead. All thanks to that stupid yellow bugger," said Fairplay.
"Fuck you! I was just loiterin' around!" said Decargo.
"Fuck YOU! I saw you stab that man square in the chest!" said Fairplay.
"HOLD IT!" shouted John Ryuunosuke. "How many gloves?"
"Zero."
"OBJECTION!" shouted John Ryuunosuke. "THEN WHY AREN'T DECARGO'S FINGERPRINTS ON THE KNIFE?"
Fairplay started eating his cane but then he stopped eating his cane because he came up with a counterargument. "He didn't need to wear gloves! All he had to do was pull his sleeves over his hands and hold the knife in that!"
"But the witness' shirt doesn't have long enough sleeves for that," John Ryuunosuke pointed out. "Therefore, he could NOT have been stabbing the victim!"
"Then what was he really doing?" said Santa.
"How am I supposed to know? Ask Decargo," said John Ryuunosuke. "Decargo, what were you really doing?"
"I can't say that they'll arrest me!" said Decargo.
"Listen you stupid fucker would you rather get arrested for this or for murder?"
"KAHHH!" shouted Decargo. "Aight fine I saw the fella die and I stuck me fingers into his pockets to steal shit I'm sorry."
"What the fuck why?" said Regeria.
"Cause I got no money lady," said Decargo.
"HOLD IT!" said John Ryuunosuke. "What'd you steal?"
"Just this piece of scrap," Decargo presented a note that said "I am John Victim. I am destined to die. To he who seeks the truth, the Sign of the Four will identify the killer."
"What's this sign of the four all about?" asked the judge.
"It's "Sign of the Four." Use the capital letters you idiot," said John Ryuunosuke. "Anyway I don't know, but at least now we know Fairplay saw wrong."
"OBJECTION!" said Fairplay. "I... have never... been so insulted... IN ALL MY LIIIIIIIFE! Well except for when I was accused of murder so THIS IS THE SECOND TIME!"
"Woah calm down, Mr. Man," said John Ryuunosuke.
"You will NOT liken me to he who is blind as a bat I am Oscar Fairplay and I saw nothing but the truth and so I speak nothing but the truth and so I SHALL TESTIFY AGAIIIIN!"
===WITNESS TESTIMONY===
"DECARGO HAD A KNIFE IN HIS HAND AND HE SKEWERED THAT JOHN BASTARD, LIKE THIS!" Fairplay chomped down on the middle of his cane, which looked nothing to John Ryuunosuke like a stabbing.
"SHUT YOUR GOB LIMEY I DIDN'T KILL NO ONE," Decargo yelled back.
"Uhhh anyone want some flowers?" asked Kira, holding up her basket full of flowers (don't ask for their names, they're probably lilies or something though).
"I mean he has a point Decargo was standing quite close to the victim eh," said Beppo.
"HOLD IT!" said John Ryuunosuke. "What about Fairplay, where was he standing?"
"Ooh, I saw where everyone was from the ship, how 'bout I put them all on the map, eh?" said Beppo.
So Beppo took out a map of the port and put all the witness' positions on it.
The map looked like this: i,imgur,com/XrN0x1A,png
"Undeniable evidence that Decargo could've stabbed John Victim," said Regeria.
"This cannot be, there must be a contradiction here! Oh wait, yeah, there is a contradiction here!" thought John Ryuunosuke. "OBJECTION! Beppo, what were you doing on the ship?"
"I was coming home after spending a day on a cruise since that's something a poor man like me should be doing with his savings."
John Ryuunosuke slammed the desk.
"But when I first arrived in London on the S.S. Herlock Sholmes... you were sitting by one of the buildings!"
"WHAAAAAAAAT?" yelled Beppo. Then he calmed down. "Ooh, heh heh, I know what's going on."
"What?"
"That was me good ol' cousin, Sandwich."
"OBJECTION!" shouted John Ryuunosuke. "And just how exactly do you expect me to buy that?"
"Simple," said Beppo. "Let's call him to the stand!"
The judge slammed his gavel.
"Okay fine let's declare a recess. Regeria Hope, call this Sandwich fellow. John Ryuunosuke, figure out what that Sign of the Four is."
"Yes," said Regeria.
"No," said John Ryuunosuke.
"Oh. Well, court is adjourned."